Cocaine Addiction Kinda Sucks

Karmageddon

2012-01-05T18:14:00.003-06:00

Shit, it's been a while! Towards the end of 2011, I told myself that 2012 would be THE year I break free (yes, I realize it's only 5 days into the year, but I've gone 20 without seeing Mr. X!). So far, so good, but as every addict knows, the chances of stumbling are always high...no pun intended. The few weeks before the last time I got fucked up with him were full of inner turmoil. It was pretty much an all-out battle between good and evil inside my mind. But this last effort on my part, I can honestly say, has been the strongest ever. The Prozac has taken full effect by now & I've been chanting consistently and have been seeing the results. There has even been a couple of times when I give in, but by some divine force, my plans to see him are foiled. Call me crazy, but I think all that practice I've been doing in Buddhism has been protecting me. My therapist actually convinced me to go back to practicing even with my skepticism. I'm back because I know it works, and right now I NEED something that works!

I do believe that spirituality in in general, whatever it may be, is one of the only things capable of getting through something like this. Reading "The Secret", I learned that we DO in fact create our own realities. But there was that one thing missing to account for the "bad" things that happen even if all you've been doing is positive. That one thing is karma. It all makes sense now. You create your own reality, but not without the help of past karma.

Fucking Ape

2011-11-14T11:33:00.003-06:00

So before my weekend began, I decided to check my email account (the one I sent X the letter from). To my surprise, there was a reply, but not from him. It was an error reply telling me that the recipient could not be reached at that address. Well, that explains why X just went about things as if nothing had happened! I've sent him similar emails before, so maybe he just decided to block ME on that account. "Fucking ape", as my cousin used to say.

Needless to say, I hooked up with him on Friday again. It was not a long session. He claimed he had to leave early due to work the next morning, so we didn't do that much blow. I was actually well enough on Sunday to go to the gym and do a full workout (weights and cardio).

Nonetheless, I'm depressed as fuck again. What the fuck am I going to tell my shrink? Last time we had a session, he talked about how maybe he was not the right therapist for me due to the lack of progress. He's right. What the hell am i supposed to talk about on Wednesday? How I failed to resist again? I'm considering cancelling or just giving up therapy all together.

In the meantime, the girl I was dating became pretty upset about me not pursuing her any further. I feel bad about it. I'm back to being lonely as hell on top of miserable. Great.

Magic Jackass, Bloody Sunday

2011-11-07T16:29:00.002-06:00

The weekend started out well, and remained well until Sunday night. Friday, I went out on a third date with someone, which went okay. Saturday was my cousin's birthday party, which was basically a big bong smoking party, lol! Sunday was going great. I cooked a new recipe, which turned out decently, organized, cleaned, then played some God of War II.

But then, at approximately 7:15pm (right about the time X usually gets coke), my MAGIC JACK phone rings! Shit!!! I KNEW it was him without even looking. My body instantly felt very cold and the acids in my stomach burned my GI tract. I paced around, turned up the heat, and paced around some more. I started rationalizing in my head: "Maybe it's NOT that bad", "Maybe I DON'T really want to stop, as my shrink has suggested", "Maybe I AM gay", "Maybe just this one last time"...yea, I've told myself that one before. FUCK!!!

After about 5 minutes, I checked the voice mail. It was as if I had never sent him that email. "Hey, just wondering if you're around. Give me a call". About 5 minutes later, I did call. He answered just as nonchalantly. He started telling me he wanted to get together but that he was broke and didn't know if he could get much coke, and was about to give "The Man" a call. I told him to find out what was going on, then call me back.

When he called back, he said that The Man was not going to be around that night and if I could do something the next day. I told him no. Then he said he could probably scrape up enough for a little party from empty bags. I told him no. Then he said we could just try next week.

After I hung up, I considered calling my dealer, but decided it was just too much damn effort.

I'm now really starting to think that I really don't WANT to stop. What in the FUCK am I supposed to do??? On top of this, he's got fucking HIV, and that's STILL not enough to fucking stop me??? WTF is wrong with me???

Bring it.

2011-11-04T14:33:00.002-05:00

So last weekend may be the last one that I mess around with X. I had promised my therapist that I was going to tell X that I no longer wanted to see him. Nonetheless I hooked up with him on Friday and was too fucking depressed to make it to my best friend's Halloween party & I felt horrible. This had an extra powerful effect due to the fact that the exact same damn thing had happened a couple weeks before with my other friend's going away party. What the hell kind of friend was I being?? What the hell kind of life was I living where all I looked forward to was getting fucked up and treated like shit by X, then being depressed for the rest of the weekend?

I have to give credit to my therapist who was really starting to "threaten" to start to be real hard on me. I'm not gonna lie. The dude kind of scares me! But that's probably a good thing. So, that pressure was on me as well.

So, on Monday, I sent X and email explaining how it was affecting me physically and mentally and that I had to be done with him. It took me a good couple of hours to hit the "send" button, but I did it. I didn't stop there though. I wanted to make sure that he could not contact me on my phone, so I had his number blocked. That's the first time I've ever done that. Of course, he could still get in touch through the email, but I've not checked that account since. It's been exactly a week.

It's on.

Cold Theme

2011-10-30T12:31:00.003-05:00

I've been trying to post on here lately, but I've been too damn depressed to even do that. Even though I'm up to 30mg now on the Prozac, this depression is getting worse. Despite "demands" from my therapist to go to NA meetings, find a sponsor and to tell X that it's over, I've not done anything. I've kept the weekly binge schedule, although we did less this weekend, but that's not making a difference. The fact that I could not resist is what's bringing me down, I'm quite sure. I got fucked up on Friday, and Saturday was my best friend's Halloween party, which I skipped because I was feeling like shit. I told myself I would not miss her party. I failed.

This is not me. This is not who I am. I've not gone to the gym. I'm walking around with an angry frown on my face whenever I'm outside. I don't like this at all.

To make matters worse, my shitty ass building has been without hot water for the last 2 days. I fucking hate this place. I guess the 3 weeks without cooking gas wasn't enough. And this stupid ass bitch who moved in upstairs (who walks loudly and constantly on the hardwood floors) is irritating me. I looked like the hot water heater got fixed last night because I tested it and the water was no longer freezing like the water from the cold side. So what does this dumbfuck upstairs do? She runs the fucking water all night thinking that's going to help it heat up! When I woke up, she was still running the fucking water, so I had to fill my tub up pan by pan of boiling water. By the time there was enough for me to get in, I noticed the hot water was finally starting to work again.

I'm seriously thinking about moving down to FL again.

Zack is Back for the Counter Attack

2011-10-17T14:20:00.003-05:00

Last week, I went down to FL to visit my family. It rained the whole time I was down there, but it was nice to see everyone and it was nice to have a reason to stay clean that week.

I started thinking about moving down there again just to be close to everyone. I dunno. It's a consideration.

I canceled my therapy appointment the week before I left because I simply ran out of time to prepare for the trip. When I came in the next week (this was the first time we were meeting on a Wednesday rather than a Monday), my therapist (DM) told me that one of the reasons he switched my days was because Wednesdays would be in the middle of the week and not right after my weekend binges. He thought maybe there would be a difference in my mood...and there was, but not what he expected. He said I actually looked more depressed than usual. Wonderful.

Well, there's still hope though. Just before my session, I stopped at the pharmacy to FINALLY get my prescription for Prozac (SEVEN fucking weeks to see a Doctor with this United Healthcare bullshit insurance! I imagine many patients end up killing themselves within the time it takes to see a fucking psychiatrist!). So, the next morning I started on the low dose of 10mg, and over a month I'm to work my way up to 40. I could have sworn I felt the effects the same day I started taking it, but that was probably just the 'ol placebo effect. Nonetheless, I succeeded in counteracting the effects this past weekend by going on another coke binge with X, and then by myself afterwards.

I also ended up blowing off my good friend from college as she was having a going away party (leaving the country again). I feel like such a piece of shit for that. I'm losing what little is left of my friends. This has got to stop now.

The Skiing Hindu

2011-10-02T16:01:00.003-05:00

I gave in again on Friday night (big surprise there). Part of the problem is I've become so friendless that I'm left with absolutely nothing to do on my days off. Actually, I DID have something to do. My mom was in town and wanted me to see her at my family's place where she was staying. I told her I was too tired to go. I suck.

After X left, I opened the package I had bought from him and kept snorting and watching porn all night...but wait! That wasn't enough, because a couple hours into it, I hired that call girl I was so impressed with last time! It was pretty much the same thing this time. I got semi-hard, then totally lame for the rest of the time. She seemed tired too (it was pretty late). Basically, I just blew $260 for nothing. The one semi-saving grace is that I came 4 times. Once with X and 3 times watching porn. What an awesome life I live <---sarcasm.

I FINALLY got this damn book I ordered from Amazon called "The Power of the Dharma". I've been interested in a long time in Sanatana Dharma (Hinduism) & so far it seems to be right up my alley. Based on everything I've learned studying different philosophies, I think this may actually be one that I stick with.

I skipped the last NA meeting. No excuse, just did.

There is a Light That Never Goes Out

2011-09-25T15:00:00.003-05:00

Another weekend is coming to a close here & I guess you could say I've improved slightly. No, I did not resist temptation on Friday night, but the "coke" we got was some of the worst shit I've ever tried. Like it was such shit that I actually returned it to Mr. X and he gave me my $ back. On top of selling us a bunch of fake ass bullshit, the fucker wanted to charge us more for it because they were larger than normal packages. Yea, fucking great, so you're charging us more for a large package of fucking baking soda? Fuck you! I hope someone gets whacked for cutting it. Assholes.

Anyway, needless to say, I did not get too fucked up, so I was actually functional the next day.

I went to another NA meeting on Wednesday & actually got my white key chain this time (symbol of someone who is at least trying). Everyone clapped enthusiastically when I got up to get it. It was actually pretty cool! PN, the girl I mentioned last time gave me a big hug afterwards and said "thanks for coming!". It was quite nice.

On Saturday, I called her just to talk and get a little more familiar with her and the program itself. Turns out she was in a similar situation as I was in '08. She lived with an abusive girlfriend who had her hooked on heroin. I think she threw the girlfriend thing in there to make sure I knew she is a lesbian, lol! I'm actually glad she is, because right now I need a friend more than anything. There was another guy there that spoke to me for a bit before I left the last meeting who seems really cool. I swear, this may just be the thing I need to finally get the fuck out of this mess.

I also went back to the gym (finally) after two weeks of being too fucked up to do it. It feels good, although I still feel sluggish.

Destroy Everything You Touch

2011-09-19T14:47:00.003-05:00

I'm starting this one out with a thanks to "outcast5555..." for reminding me about the NA meetings! In my warped mind, I thought I had written about that, but it turns out I did not.

I did attend my first Chicago meeting the week before last & it actually went really well. The particular meeting I went to advertised that it was GLBT friendly, so that was an immediate attraction. It also advertised that they held meetings by candle light, which was very much my taste. I got a few numbers afterwards, then my social anxiety kicked in full force, and I had to go. The girl sitting next to me was particularly very friendly to me and was encouraging me to participate (no sexual attraction...I think she was lesbian anyway). I'd LOVE to have someone like that as a sponsor. That's what I need. Someone who I click with, who is kind of in my face about things. Only certain people could pull that off with me. I don't think they let co-ed sponsorship happen anyway. Maybe they do, I dunno.

Fast forward to last weekend...I had what I believe to be the longest coke binge I've ever had. I fucking snorted for roughly 26 hours straight. I bought two large bags for myself, and after X left, I kept doing it and watching porn. Of course, as I'm doing it I use the excuse of chasing the elusive orgasm, but I'm really doing it as an excuse to do more fucking coke. Typical bullshit. Told myself I was only going to do a couple lines from one of the bags. Yea fucking right. I did 1.5 bags by myself in addition to what I did with X & the only reason I stopped was that it actually started making my headache worse (big surprise).

When Sunday rolled around, I made myself go out with the girl I've been dating because I blew her off 2 times in a row already because I was too fucked up to go out. Luckily, we had planned to go out for drinks! Yea, I was miserable the whole fucking time and had to cut it short. As an extra bonus, one of these pussy ass meter maids gave me a ticket! Motherfuckers! I HATE them! I hope people start shooting your fucking asses! I'm not kidding, I really wish that on them. Right in the fucking head. Apparently, you can't park for free even on fucking Sundays now. Pieces of shit...DIE! DIE! DIE!

Anyway, I saw my therapist today & he's quite worried about me. My eyes actually started to tear during the session. That does not happen much at all! He strongly recommended that I attend 4 NA meetings a week and find a sponsor. This is going to be hard, but it may work. I'm running out of ideas...and time.

A song has been stuck in my head since last night. "Destroy Everything You Touch" by Ladytron. Holy fucking shit, that describes me to the letter. They're singing about ME, lol! I don't have anyone close because I cut everyone off before they hurt me. It's my fucking theme song, and the video is amazing!

Please, not again

2011-09-12T18:21:00.002-05:00

It's certainly feeling like I'm slipping back again. X wasn't available until Sunday night over the weekend, so I broke down and called my old dealer (who is an ass to me), half expecting not to hear back from him. Well, he got back and I bought. So now I'm starting to buy my own shit in addition to what X gives me...just like back in '08. I'm fucking scared.

I did the shit I bought and hired a hooker who did some with me. She was okay, but nothing special. Then I found some guys on the website. This was Saturday. Then, just as I'm starting to recover, BAM! Now I'm partying with Mr. X. In anticipation of being fucked up today, I called Sunday and cancelled today's appointment with my new therapist. What a great start I'm off to. I'm at a complete loss. I really don't know what to do any more. Any serious suggestions (especially from former addicts) would be appreciated. I feel like I've tried everything except for actual rehab. My best friend suggested outpatient rehab, but I'm not exactly sure how that works. I imagine you have to go through the emergency room first, which is not an option for me because the chances of me being recognized at any of them are high.

My life appears, once again, to be revolving around coke. This is bad. Very bad.

Going Down Now

2011-09-05T16:25:00.003-05:00

I've sunk into a level of depression I've not experienced in a long time. I cancelled my date with this new girl I've been seeing (mild attraction) because one of my exes (lots of attraction) called and said she was going to try and see me today for her birthday (coincidentally Labour Day). She's flaky as hell & I fully expect to be blown off, and so far my expectations appear to be well founded. Thinking ahead, I stopped by an ATM on the way back from the gym for the possibility of hiring an escort. I met one a couple weeks ago who blew my mind. She was expensive, but easily the best I've ever had as far as call girls. I was so fucked up though when I met her that I could not get hard. I'm kinda hoping she's around tonight. Seems like all the others pale by comparison. Even if that does happen, or if I see one that's as appealing as is she, I don't know if I'm even going to call. I'm just so goddamn depressed, I'm not sure I'd even enjoy it much. I'm actually quite attractive & I shouldn't have to be doing this, but I do. Maybe it's the thrill. Who the fuck knows.

I've not reached the point of suicidal thoughts, but I feel like I'm dancing along that edge. I need some hope. I need my fucking Prozac!!

The Struggle to Keep Hope Alive

2011-09-04T13:14:00.002-05:00

Yea, so the NA meeting went great! I got stoned about 3 hours before it started and figured I'd be okay by the time I had to go. Guess what! I wasn't, so I didn't go. Shocker, huh?

So Friday came around and I got the inevitable page from X & I responded immediately, of course. I was so distressed about the situation that he could just tell from my voice and asked me if I was sure I wanted to get together. I know I was less than enthused, but I wasn't gonna pass up a chance to get fucked up for free. I DID refrain from buying my own package/s this time. And a good thing, because the shit he got this time was not that good. These motherfuckers cut the shit more and more until people complain and stop buying, then *BAM*, all of the sudden the shit is really good again, and the cycle starts all over again until people complain again.

Whatever they mixed it with this time has not been sitting well with me. I've had a lot of trouble sleeping and with temperature control. For the past couple of nights, I've laid in bed either too cold to sleep with the sheets off me, or too hot to sleep with them on. Last night, every time I put the covers over me, I'd begin to sweat, then I'd take them off and I'd be freezing. I spent pretty much the whole night going back and forth with that shit.

Oh, I should probably mention that I got my letter from the fire department that contained my "lottery" number, which determines when I will be summoned for consideration. By my calculations of my shitty ass number, it will be at LEAST 5 years until I'm even considered. The whole time I've been waiting for that fucking number, I've been telling myself that I should not put all my eggs in that basket anyway. Now that I've finally got the stupid number, I realize that that was pretty much my ONLY basket. That was pretty much my last hope of ever making real money. It's over. By the time they get to me, I'll be too old, or with any luck, dead.

No, really, I've tried to put a positive "spin" on this shit, but I feel like I'm lying to myself when I do. I know there's very little chance of me ever being able to go back to school for anything because of the massive amount I owe and am in default with. Even if I did manage to get back in, I've got that goddamn undiagnosed learning disability. I KNOW it's there. If I were really stupid, I would admit it. I really would! But I know I'm not. I'm no genius, but I'm certainly not stupid. At this point, I'm praying for a miracle. I know they DO happen sometimes. Maybe the gods will smile upon me. So that's that. This has added to my distress.

I also contacted AJ upon her return from VA (now she tells me she was actually in NC). I told her that I didn't believe for a second that she was making her decision to never consider me again due to that stupid ass small mistake I made (I got her last name wrong while ringing her door bell, after not seeing her for months). She finally admitted, in a roundabout way, that she knew I was still doing shit with X. Fair enough. She's gone forever.

Hmmm...it's starting to make sense now why I've been so goddamn depressed lately.

Last night there was a CA (Cocaine Anonymous) meeting that my best friend turned me on to. I conveniently fell asleep. No, I didn't even fall asleep. I laid down with the intention of sleeping and missing it. I don't feel like doing ANYTHING. It took a great effort just to get my ass up to go grocery shopping about an hour ago. I've been trying to get myself to go to the gym and get a haircut. Good luck to me.

Wow, amazing, I wrote more than a couple paragraphs! There must be a shitload of shit on my mind.

Massive Counterattack

2011-08-31T16:04:00.003-05:00

Yea, so that same night I was so happy about finding out my new therapist and I were going to click, I must have REALLY pissed off evil because it came at me like a shit storm (Trailer Park Boys reference)!

I had a little over one bag of coke left and I decided I was going to "just do a couple lines" and watch some porn. As you guessed, one "a couple lines" turned into the entire fucking supply which lasted roughly 8 hours. And, as usual, I didn't even have a fucking orgasm.

Once I snorted the last line, I knew I was going to have to call off work and I just collapsed on my bed and actually began to cry (I don't do that often at all). My lack of control was so goddamn obvious, and I had let it defeat me once again. It was also obvious that it was starting to affect my work again (on top of the rest of my life). I felt completely alone and covered my face with my arms crossed over my eyes.

Of course I told myself that I was now determined to stop for good. I've told myself that before, but this felt different. I've told myself that before too. I'm still not giving up. I'm doing something about it.

Tonight, I'm attending my first Narcotics Anonymous meeting here in town. As I mentioned before, I tried them when I was down in FL with no success. I'm telling myself that I'm in a better position now since at least I don't have that fucking asshole to deal with when I get home. I have my own place now where I have some peace. And if this doesn't work, I will put myself into an outpatient rehab program. I HAVE to stop. I NEED my life back. Fuck this!

Pushing Back the Enemy Lines...

2011-08-29T15:39:00.004-05:00

Get it? "Lines", hahaha! That was horrible, I know!

I had my first therapy session with the shrink I'll call "DM". As you recall, in my last hopeless episode, I was weary about this guy and was very skeptical to meet him. As it turns out, I like him a LOT!! As part of me suspected, his voice is just naturally deep and soft, and I must have interpreted that over the phone as being disinterested. I felt comfortable right away, and the place I'm going to (a place that caters specifically to the LBGT community) matched me up with him well. He also happens to have lots of experience, especially with drug addiction! When you sign up, they ask you what your preferences are. I told them that a bisexual male would be preferable, but not necessary. He assured me that we would get through this. It felt really good to hear that, and he was quite confident in his statement, which made me feel the same. There's HOPE!! Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!!!

After this one session, I've even gotten a little more comfortable with the idea of going back to school. That appears to be a far stretch at this point, but nonetheless, it certainly seems more possible now than it did before. It's also nice to feel less alone. This is a good day.

The Feel of Shit

2011-08-28T18:11:00.002-05:00

I don't even feel like writing but, again, I feel the need to at least make my secret life known to SOMEBODY.

Once again I'm all fucked up from this weekend's binge. I bought $300 worth this time on top of what X gets. I actually started out by going to see MU first, then X, then watched a bunch of porn. It's totally out of fucking control. And, it's become what I look forward to on the weekends. I know this is not normal and I know it's destroying me. I did that shit until my nose bled & then some. The things I do are disgusting and make me disgusted with myself.

Someone commented on my last post that I should check out AA. I tried NarcAnon when I was down in FL and it did not seem like it was going to work for me. I know there is an AA meeting place literally 2 blocks from here, so it wouldn't hurt to check it out. I've heard nothing but good things about them.

I'm seeing my therapist for the first time tomorrow. I really hope he's not a tool. He called me last week to tell me (in a less-than enthused voice) that he had been assigned to me and was calling to set up an appointment. Why the fuck would you become a therapist...ok I'll stop. Maybe...hopefully...he was just having a bad day or something.

I've not heard a word from AJ since she left on vacation. I'm thinking she may have started that last argument on purpose. I need to just let her go...I think.

Lord Zack v.s. The Red Swarm

2011-08-24T20:23:00.005-05:00

It's been slightly better lately. I still mostly hate my life and feel trapped, but I'm able to laugh some, unlike last week. My mom brought up this idea again that she has of opening up a bed and breakfast in South America. It's tempting because of the distance I'd be away from all the shit and it would be nice to be in control of how much I make. But I think it's too dangerous and I also know that there's part of me that would not WANT to leave this life. This has happened every other time I've tried to "quit". I can go without it for a max of about 2 months, then the crave just gets too strong and I find my way back.

I'm also aware that this is absolutely incompatible with ANY sort of serious relationship with ANYONE, which means I'm pretty much doomed to a lonely rest of my life. I don't see how it could possibly turn out any other way as long as this crave exists.

I suppose it doesn't help that I stopped taking my Prozac five months ago because I couldn't afford to see a Dr. to renew my prescription. I decided to see how life would be off it once I ran out. Maybe it's time to go back on it. Still, even the great Zack can't stop the "Red Swarm".

I feel a sense of great urgency to DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS, but no idea on how to fight it. So I just live day by day, frustrated, depressed and friendless.

OH, and I've been trying to hook up with a therapist at a local center which is friendly to LBGT people, and finally after 2 weeks of red tape, my assigned therapist calls me, and I got a bad vibe from him. He seemed like he was being forced to do something when he called me to make the appointment. WTF??

Never in a million years

2011-08-21T13:43:00.002-05:00

I feel like things are going back towards rock bottom like they did in '08. I've been given extra hours lately at work, so what do I do with the extra $? You guessed it...cocaine! Last weekend it also included a hooker (who was amazing!) whom I may just see again, despite the high price.

I told myself that when I got back to Chicago, I'd make an effort to get out more. That has not happened. Shit, I tell myself a lot of things that never happen. If someone would have told me that this is where I'd be at my age, I would have laughed at them. But now I'm the one to be laughed at, or felt sorry for. I don't want to be this, but it is what I have become and have been for a long time now. I feel like a waste. I've been going through the long process of signing up for therapy again. My new therapist is supposed to call me next week. Maybe that will help. Who the fuck knows anymore.

I recently began talking to AJ again, but it's been the same shit. She told me last week that she was moving back to VA & that set off a terrible depression in me. Of course, I got all emotional and asked her to stay and all that shit. A day later, we're not talking again. I hate my life.

I have these fantasies about going somewhere exotic and completely starting a new life away from all the bullshit. But how the hell am I supposed to do that? I'm feeling very much trapped again. Now I'm getting a headache. More drugs, please.

Ironic Bullshit

2011-07-31T21:28:00.005-05:00

Yea, so I changed my passcode and email a few months back and I didn't remember what I used...FUCK! I finall messed around with it some and I was able to figure it out. That was annoying!

Anyway, so I'm all moved back into Chicago. My place kind of sucks, but it was the only one that would accept my dog. Whatever. I've been seeing X pretty much on a weekly basis still.

I actually got a text from AJ a couple of weeks ago asking if I was still blocking her, lol. That lead to us going out again for a short time, but I absolutely could not keep myself in a relationship knowing that I can't stop X. I didn't tell her that, of course, I kind of made her break up with me. That's really sad in more ways than one. I think I'm seeing myself more like a sick individual lately. It seems like I've really decided that as long as I can't stop X, I won't let myself be in a relationship. I can't do that to someone again, and can't put myself in that position again. I won't do it.

I need to either stop now, or be single until I do. That's the ONLY way anything is ever going to work with me. I miss AJ. I feel like texting her. She wanted to hang out this past weekend. I told her I could not. Why? You know why. It's very sad. I'm very sad.

When I saw her last, she had matured as well. She no longer drinks every day and no longer feels the need to go out all of the time. It's like she is more like I wanted her to be now. Un-fucking-believable.

Operation Diamond Vision

2011-04-18T19:29:00.003-05:00

Another weekend, another binge. After the last one, I started formulating this plan to rid myself of this shit once and for all. I have the basic elements mapped out, but still need some specifics. The plan should work in theory, but I know that the underlying cause is psychological, so some sort of therapy will more than likely be part of it.

Years ago, while researching various forms of Buddhism, I came across a form called "Diamond Way". One thing that stuck with me was the metaphor of using a diamond as the way your mind should be seeing the world. The diamond vision is one that is not distorted by anything (including drugs) and enables you to see the world just as it is. That's why I'm naming this operation as such. This battle has been going on for far too long and it is going to kill me if I don't defeat it very soon. My father said to me a couple of years ago that drugs impair your ability to make decisions, even when you're not high at the moment. I have found this to be true. Shit, 15 years ago I would have NEVER imagined I would be an unmarried sex-crazed lonely drug addict. Fucking never!

I'm determined to win this bloody battle. I will not go down like this. No fucking way!

God Help Me

2011-04-11T10:39:00.003-05:00

I don't really feel like blogging, but I just wanted to report my last "incident". I went into Chicago Saturday night for what I thought was going to be a date. As it turns out, the girl I went to meet just wanted me to swing by for a few minutes, and had plans with a friend later. Whatever. So, what does my dumbass do? I call Mr. X (who I knew had to work in the morning) and asked if he could pick me up a package. He said he could. About 5min later, I called and asked if he could get me two instead. He did. I went to pick it up and we ended up fucking around for a bit, then I headed to the baths. Long story short: Lots of oral sex and coke until my body was to tired to go on. Incredibly, I had only gone through most of ONE package. I drove 70 miles back home, then pretty much watched porn and did the rest of the coke for the next 24 hours.

Needless to say, I feel like shit now. I've spent $500 on coke this month. That's the most ever. I don't want this shit anymore. I want this to be the last time. I no longer have enough money for a security deposit for my new place. I spent it because I knew that I could sell my music gear and get the cash back. Still, that's bullshit. I prayed to God last night to please help me. I want to be done.

Fuck, Fuck, and Away!

2011-04-04T13:42:00.003-05:00

So, of course, the hooker was not enough for my sex-crazed ass this weekend so naturally, I hooked up with X. We partied for a few hours and apparently I turned him on so much (I WAS in an extra slutty mood, lol) that he came before he wanted to. Afterwards, he was insistent on leaving and said he didn't think he could go again. Incredibly, we had only gone through one of the bags of coke. I asked him if he could just wait for a little while to see if he was really done. That lasted about 10 minutes before he decided he was leaving for sure. I was disappointed, but he said he would leave me the other bag for myself so I could keep going with someone else if I wanted...SCORE!

He said he was just going to take a few lines for himself, which i discovered later was about half of the bag...FUCK. Anyway, I did end up hooking up with another dude later, but by that time I was so damn tired, I could barely do anything. I apologized to him and told him I'd make it up to him next time. I DID make him cum, but it just wasn't very exciting. He was cool about it though.

I've gotten better at dealing with the crash afterwards. Last night, I just made sure I kept thinking about sex the entire time (otherwise depressing thoughts tend to sink in). It worked for the most part. Still, later on, I wondered when this shit is going to end if ever. I wondered if this is how I'm going to die. I guess I'm having some fun at least. Still lonely as fuck though. I don't know if that will change. That's the thing that bothers me the most.

In Love with a Hooker

2011-04-02T19:28:00.003-05:00

I've been looking for a sweet young man-pleaser lately. Today, I found one. She said she was nineteen & probably could have been. Most of these whores have an attitude and fucking them is like fucking a lifeless sex doll. This one was sweet and comfortable to be around. I spent half hour looking for her because she told me she was at a Super 8 motel when she meant to tell me Motel 6. Long straight black hair, fair & soft skin & body, and blue eyes that hypnotize. I could swear she was totally turned on two because she was pretty wet. I kissed her all over her tits and face and ran my fingers through her gorgeous, sweet scented hair. She even sucked my balls for me, laid next to me and talked and kissed me on the lips. She was taller than I expected, but that's nothing that her attitude didn't make up for tenfold. She was probably just THAT good, but she made me feel like I had a girlfriend for a little bit. Either way, she really made my day!

Bi, Bi, Wisconsin

2011-03-27T12:03:00.002-05:00

I'm at a complete loss. Being bisexual really sucks. I've toyed with the idea of "coming out", but I know if I do, I'll be automatically labeled as "gay" and forever ineligible to women. Friday was another binge night with Mr. X. I was seriously considering trying to have a relationship with a guy. I've thought about it before but never actually considered it. I guess the more I've been finding out about how women are, the less I want to be what they want. I used to have no clue what they wanted and now I'm quite aware. It's not their fault, it's instinct. I've even become pretty good at faking it, but you can't fake someone out all the time when you are in a full relationship with them.

I officially quit the band last week & I'm moving back to Chicago. I feel relief from not having to commit to the project any more. DS was actually really cool about it. He's the only one I've talked to, so I'm not sure what the other guys think. Everyone's equipment is still here, so I'll have to deal with them eventually. I'm just as nervous about moving back than I am excited. There are so many things that I miss, but of course a lot that I don't. One thing I will definitely miss is my current awesome apartment. The chances of me getting a place with laundry, dishwasher and garbage disposal in Chicago on my budget are slim to none. The chances of me getting a place this size are absolute zero, unless I move to the ghetto...yea, not happening.

Something inside me still compels me to try and find a compatible female companion, but I've tried so many times before, and telling myself that if I find the right one, I'll just get rid of Mr. X. I'm pretty sure I've accomplished the first part, but not getting rid of my deadly addiction.

Since I was 12 years old, I remember wanting to be a girl. If I had the money, I would have become one a long time ago. That would be nice.

Fucking Tea Fuck

2011-03-21T13:39:00.004-05:00

I'm coming down from my post-binge recovery smoke, so I figured I'd write some on here and make some Chamomile tea. Was very excited to add honey and start drinking it, so in a hurry I grabbed the bottle and started squeezing. About a teaspoon into it, to my horror, I realized I wasn't holding honey at all. I was squeezing a bottle of Eggo brand butter-flavored pancake syrup. Needless to say, the tea is not as good as I imagined it to be before the Eggo Syrup Incident, but at least it wasn't Draino or something, I guess. Wow, that was a really long explanation! I'm still kinda stoned so that's okay.

Where was I...ah, yes, I was going to tell of yesterday's festivities...

Waiting for the highly anticipated sex & drugs binge was excruciating! And now I can't seem to turn of this bold or italic bullshit or get my font back to goddamn normal! FUCK!! Fuck it, I guess I'm stuck with this until I'm done. Can you believe this shit?? Fuck it.

ANYFUCKINGWAY, in order to get the blow, I had to leave Shitforbrains (Mr.X) in charge of getting it because he's the only fucker I know with a connection besided MU and she would not call the guy because she had not talked to him in years. This font is really fucking annoying me and is prompting me to write the word "fuck" (and variations of the word) way more that I would normally. I don't even think I'm using the right word..."font"...I'm trying to describe the ugly ass letters that I'm now forced to write with instead of what I started out with.

So, I'm all excited about finally hooking up with MU again, so i go all out and get 3 large packages. It was not cheap. I could not pick it up from him until Saturday night, so I had him get in Friday night so that I knew I had it for sure. So I talk to him Saturday morning and he tells me he is going to a protest that's like 3 hours away, but that he would be back at night so I could grab it. While he is on his way to the protest, he informs me that he brought the shit with him! WHY? Why the fuck would anyone do that? Incredibly, nothing happened and he got it back safely.

I had a little time to wait for MU to get off work, so I decided to stick around and play with Mr. X for a couple hours (using his own coke, of course, lol). 3 hours later, I headed to MU's.

When I got there, she was dressed in loose jeans and a t-shirt...so typical! At least she appeared to have done some makeup stuff. She was really nervous at first, but since I was already buzzing, I went into it pretty quick.

Right from the start, there was something missing. It didn't feel like before...definitely not as intense. There were some moments, but not like how it used to be. That's not to say we didn't have fun. I guess I had expected this massive explosion of sexual energy that just didn't happen. It occurred to me that maybe I'm just getting old. She too. After about 5 hours or so, she said she just could not go on because she was exhausted and her stomach hurt. I was exhausted too, so I didn't mind so much...but I had to cum.

After a couple hours of rest, I got up to see if she could keep going for a bit, but she was just not well. So what did my dumbass do? I went to the sex club for another few hours and did the other bag of shit.

Needless to say, I feel like shit right now, but not as bad as it could have been. I'm actually kind of glad that my thing with MU did not go as well. This way it's not such a big temptation for me to want to do it again. I've got to lay down...FUCK!

My Specialty: Playing With Fire

2011-03-19T02:23:00.004-05:00

In my own ungracious way, I kind of saw this coming eventually. Remember "MU"? She was the psycho I was living with 3 years ago, at the low-point in this whole coke thing. At least every weekend, we would go on coke binges and have nasty intense sex (still the best sex to date). Anyway, we say hi to each other once in a while through text, and more recently I had to turn to her to get my herb since the entire state of Wisconsin is fucking dry!

So, last week I told her I wouldn't mind doing some "dirty play" with her again sometime. She concurred. Tonight I'm going back to the same place where it all finally spiraled out of control to do what we used to do. I know it's a huge risk to open up that Pandora's Box again, but the thrill has overpowered me. What a filthy slut that girl is. I can't wait!

Dumber than a lab rat.

2011-03-10T13:16:00.004-06:00

One of the worst parts about my situation with Mr. X is that the urge often comes in VERY powerfully and suddenly. That's what happened last night. I scheduled myself off work today because we were supposed to play a gig last night, but it got moved to another date. So, I spent the day yesterday trying to come up with things to replace the bad habits I have. I had a few ideas that I set in motion, but then out of the blue came a sucker punch. I felt like I could have controlled it, but I didn't. does that mean I CAN'T control it?

I went to his place this time. Once again, the shit was not even that good. After we both got completely worn out, we both pretty much just collapsed on the bed and didn't even finish the last package. This time I didn't crash like I do normally, but I did break out in a pretty intense cold sweat for about an hour. My body felt paralyzed like it usually does after a binge. I can move if I want, but I don't. I lay pretty much motionless for long periods until I have to go to the bathroom. This time I could feel sweat running down my face and hear the drops hit the pillow. Surprisingly though, I was not in pain. But I was still so damn tired that I slept there for a few hours.

So, here I am again back home and feeling like shit. I'm seriously considering moving back to Chicago again. Nothing seems to be going right, and I KNOW that the main thing standing in the way is this Mr. X bullshit. SO many problems would be eliminated if it weren't for this situation. Oh, and I would like to thank those who have posted comments recently. It really helps somehow knowing that SOMEBODY is reading this. Maybe it's an ego thing or maybe it just makes me feel less alone, or both. It also motivates me to keep writing...yea, it definitely makes me feel less alone! Okay, back to bed.

Blah Fuck Blah

2011-03-05T16:53:00.003-06:00

Another freezing rain gloomy ass day in Wisconsin. Saw Mr. X again last night, so I'm recovering but not as bad as usual. We finished 2 packets of coke in about 5 hours, and it wasn't the purest shit. These assholes who "cut" the coke and put other shit in it should have their balls freeze dried, ground up, and added to their own coke to snort.

Anyway, I've had an unusual number of migraines this week. On Tuesday, I actually had to call off work because of it and last night I had to cancel band practice. Funny thing is that I knew that doing coke would numb the pain for at least a while. It worked!

I've been telling myself that this will be the week where I stop smoking weed every day that I'm off work. Obviously that didn't happen, and as a matter of fact, I think I'll go for my first puff of the day right now...

MU got me some really good shit last week. You would think that living in Wisconsin would mean no problems getting good shit...WRONG! Since i've been living here, it's been hard to find ANYTHING. One more reason to miss Chicago.

I need a career change. I need a life change!

A Note To Nobody

2011-03-02T15:39:00.003-06:00

By now, I blog so seldom that I doubt anyone reads this any more. But, I started this thing, so I might as well update once in a while. Actually, I may be slightly more frequent now since I've destroyed the infamous paper journal...well...kinda.

AJ and I got together yet again for the very last time around Xmas 2010. Long story short: We got back, she told me she wanted me to move in with her, but I saw some contradictions in her behavior which suggested otherwise. The red flag was when she asked me if I could help her bring some furniture to her house that someone had given to her. "Hmmm..." I asked, "where are we going to put all of MY stuff? It's already pretty tight in here". She danced around the question and from that point I knew something was up. So, we spent xmas together and hung out a few more times before the typical fight broke out. This time, I got criticized and belittled for letting her know that LH (psycho bitch from work) was stalking me. Ironically, the reason I made it a point to tell her was because I promised to tell her more about what's going on in my life. No good deed unpunished, right? Anyway, we broke up shortly after, then she sent me a text saying that she never planned on having me move in anyway and that she was still in love with the guy she told me she was broken up with. I replied with quite a nasty bite and told her to erase my number from her phone and that I no longer have the desire to even be friends with her. After I sent the txt, I blocked her on all means of contact. We've had no contact since.

And, of course, I must answer the question "Am I still doing coke?". The answer is "yes". And I also still see Mr. X. A few times a month, so it could be much worse.

Currently, the music project is going horribly & I'm in a pretty deep depression. I'm becoming pretty isolated from the rest of the world most of the time. I've been smoking lots of herb and staying in.

I started to see another girl from Milwaukee not too long ago, and spent lots of cash on her, but it didn't work out. She ended up not having the curves I crave. Shallow, I know.

I'm pretty lonely and miserable lately. I didn't even get myself to go to the gym today. I keep thinking I could have just hired a whore instead of spending all that money for nothing. I'm still thinking about getting one, but I've been keeping in mind that I've got more important things to save my money for. Sometimes I don't care. A whore shure would be good right now.

I'm feeling old & trapped again. I've done very little chanting I'm lucky if I get one morning gongyo in each day.

Half-ass Blog Entry

2010-11-13T09:05:00.002-06:00

I've been dating here and there lately. Same old shit so far, the ones I'm attracted to really don't seem interested and vice versa. Honestly, the last girl I dated was physically gorgeous, but there did not seem to be a strong chemistry anyway. I'm trying hard to avoid Mr. X, but the fucker keeps popping into my mind...well, he's been trying to contact me too. Ugh, I don't feel like blogging and my best friend is IMing me.

Life of illusion

2010-10-24T09:13:00.004-05:00

Last night was our first out-of-state gig. It went pretty well, especially compared to our last one. Yet, again, we ended up playing to a handful of people. They were dancing though, and we got compliments. As usual, the venue ripped us off by telling us one thing and doing another. We didn't even get enough to cover our fuel costs.
We're a good band, and I definitely think we can survive by doing this, but I still question whether I really want to any more. Is it good music? Yes, in fact it's above average. But is it groundbreaking or the stuff of legends? I doubt it.
Perhaps I am getting old and waning something else over this. But I think it's the very fact that I have not been able to FIND what I want due to my lifestyle. I want to have a special someone for the rest of my life and possibly raise a kid or two...yea, one is plenty. But I also have developed this liking for being a coke whore. The two are simply not compatible, which is why my relationships always eventually fail. The band is a shield from that pain. It's the "replacement". But then again, when I'm NOT in a band, I miss it. I'm rambling. I need to go back to sleep.

Please make it stop

2010-10-20T15:55:00.004-05:00

I need to stop this train wreck that my life has turned into. I'm getting too old for this, and I desperately want to believe in something more than just this. I had to break too many hearts, including my own because of the stupid shit I do. It may have worked out with AJ had it not been for that shit. I love her SO much, and it kills me to know that it can never work out because of what has already happened between us. The damage is done. It's the same goddamn thing with my ex fiance. It would have definitely worked with her, but once again, my bullshit got in the way.

I got way fucked up last night again with the notorious Mr. X. Once again, neither of us even had an orgasm, so he kinda just took off. I laid in bed pretty much paralyzed from complete exhaustion. Then came the crash. Not the worst I've ever had, but it was still a bad one. I know when it's gotten really bad when I start to lose my balance, which happened last night. After about an hour of laying there wishing I could just sleep, I started breaking out in a cold sweat and feeling very nauseous. After about 2 hours of this torture, I laid in bed looking like I had taken a shower. Amazingly, I was able to resist vomiting.

We have a show this weekend, and I don't want to even do it. I've been losing interest. There is some fire left, but nothing like before. I've been considering quitting the band and just going back home with my tail between my legs. DS keeps reminding me how awesome it is to be out there rockin all over and having chicks all over us. I'm not denying that it's a really good feeling, but it's not ultimately what I want. I want a "love of my life". Shit, I've HAD a few of them, but have had to let them go. It might really be over this time. I've not made an official decision yet, but it's what I've been feeling lately. DS will be pissed, but I can't force this. Also, even if the fire comes back full-force, it's not enough for it to just come back for a while and then leave me high and dry again for months. That's not enough for a sustained effort, which is essential for what we are trying to do.

I really miss having my little family that I had with AJ and her daughter. I swore I would never let my bullshit fuck up another promising relationship. But, here we go again. God help me.

Misery

2010-10-15T18:57:00.003-05:00

I thought I had shaken it off last week, but apparently not. I've been in a pretty deep depression lately and I'm not recovering as quickly as I've learned to lately.
I still miss the hell out of AJ & think about her constantly, but I know for sure it will never work now. I'm also feeling very much alone up here in this town. DS has become less friendly to me lately and I'm not sure why. He is down as well because the band situation feels like it's grinding along very slowly, which of course affects me too. Then there's my toe. I've gone for a run exactly twice sine I moved up here because my toe still hurts from when I kicked my garbage can (steel) after one of the last incidents with AJ. I've not been able to do any cardio stuff because of it and that was one of my biggest defense strategies against my depression. I did join a health club finally, so at least I'm doing some exercise, which helps some. DS is really the only person I know up here, and in my state I'm not really in a mindset to meet new people.
I've been smoking LOTS of weed, mostly to escape my depression and anger. I'll be okay, but I'm a bit uneasy about how long it's taking me to get out of this particular funk. Oh yea, and to top things off today, my dog vomited all over my car 10 seconds before I opened the door to let him out. Awesome.
I've still been seeing LH (from work) at least once a week. She's trying really hard to build a serious relationship with me, but I just can't do it because I'm just not THAT into her AND I'm still very much in love with AJ.
I'm still seeing Mr. X a few times a month and we do our little binges. It seems like even that is getting old lately. Maybe that's a good thing.
There's a girl who is a social worker at one of the places we go to at work that I'm gaga over. Her face and voice are both very similar to a beautiful girl that I went out with in college. I keep thinking "why put another girl through the pain of dealing with me?". Well, an LTR is a longing that I have and will probably never lose. I'm SO sick of being alone. Really really sick of it.

The Pain Of The Bi Closet

2010-10-04T16:09:00.000-05:00

Any bisexual guy must be familiar with this story. I love that I'm bi, and I've know this since I was a child. As a child, I was very shy and it was very hard for me to make friends (and still is). Most of the male friends I've made in life have been straight and even homophobic. Coming out to them would drastically change the friendship and very possibly end it ultimately. I think it would be easier if I were gay, but I'm definitely NOT. I love women as well. Always have and always will. In fact, I prefer love relationships with women.
I feel that some day I'm just going to come out and say "fuck you" to all who have a problem with it. I really wish I had the balls at this point, and I may grow them soon! I'm just terrorized by the idea of losing friends I've known for ages, and the general public rejection.

Down Again

2010-09-27T12:36:00.005-05:00

I'll start out by describing the "miracle" that happened last month. My car was found, without a single scratch. We got a letter from the Chicago Pound saying that the car was in their lot and impounded. I could not believe the news when I heard it, and was so happy! But my excitement dwindled as I found out the details as to where it was found. The car was found on the next street south of where I left it and at the exact hundred block west! I was 100% sure about where I left it - I even remembered the details about that walk home from the last time I saw it. But there was a factor that I had not considered until I found out about where it was found. At the time, AJ and I were smoking LOTS of weed. Yes, I began considering the possibility that this whole thing was a mistake on my part and that the car was never stolen! Is it possible that I parked it A BLOCK AWAY and was so absent-minded that I simply forgot where I parked it??? As embarrassing as this is, and as much of a pot advocate I am, I HAVE to admit that this may have indeed been what actually happened! Is it possible that the car WAS stolen, taken for a joy ride, then returned a block away without a scratch?? I guess, but it's seeming less likely! I've not told ANYONE this because I'm far too embarrassed. Regardless of what really happened, the fact is that I've put myself in a situation where a mistake like this CAN happen. That whole memory of me walking back from the car that night and seeing a woman staring at me DID happen...but I now believe that this memory was of a DIFFERENT night! I can't go on like this! It's unacceptable! But...I have.
AJ and I broke up after another altercation. We had another huge argument over something stupid and she brought up something from the past (which we both agreed we would not do) and I lost it. No, I did not hit her, but I threw her to the ground after she tried taking my shoe as I was trying to leave and calm down (we also agreed that she would not interfere when I needed to step out to calm down). That was the last time. I still love her to death, but I can't have her. Not like that. I think about her every day and wish the good things could have kept going without the bad, but that's just a fantasy. God, I miss her. I miss her daughter too. We were a family. But I can't go back. When things get physical like that, I have to draw the line.
So, now I've started seeing LH again (girl from work with the killer body, but below average above the neck). When I left her to go back to AJ, she ended up in the hospital because she swallowed a bunch of pills. Yes, this is the girl I've decided to go back out with! But, she does everything for me and i feel respected (unlike with AJ) and gives a HELL of a blow-job! It gets worse...
I'm back to Mr. X again a few times a month. Yes, the coke too. I don't think it will ever get as bad as it did in '08, but again, it's not the best thing to have when you're wanting to be in a serious relationship with a female. I know I'm not taking this new relationship with LH anywhere near as seriously as she's taking it. I'm in hell.
Also, to make matters worse, my big toe is still hurting me from a few months back when AJ pissed me off so much (within literally 10 minutes of getting back together) that I kicked my steel garbage can. I think I have a fracture. Anyway, I have not been able to do my normal cardio workouts because of it and it's definitely affecting my brain. I'm back to being depressed again. I'm also starting to look and feel old. The most terrifying thing in American culture is getting old. The horror. The horror!

Longest Break EVER!

2010-07-19T09:26:00.004-05:00

WOW, it's been a long time! I've completely stopped writing in my paper journal because other people simply cannot be trusted not to go through it. Like pretty much everything, I've learned that the hard way, lol.
I'll give you the last year or so summed up in a nutshell:

Just before I moved out of Squeaky's place, I started seeing this other girl, AJ. Heart of gold, shell and tongue of steel (spiked too!). We've had a pretty bumpy relationship for about a year now, but one thing I can tell you without a doubt about her is that she is trying harder to work things out with me and within herself than any other girl I've ever been in a relationship with. Also, she loves me very very much and the feelings are mutual. She has a daughter, whom is very sweet and we get along great. She is 7. We all lived together in Chicago for almost a year, but I was still dealing with the tail end of my whole stupid thing with Mr. X and coke. We all went through absolute hell, and it's actually amazing that we're still together (after many breakups, of course, lol). We both did some horrible things to each other, but we both know our love is very deep...even deeper than our own personal issues. We plan on getting married on 6-6-12.
As for me, I live in Southern Wisconsin now. I moved up here because everyone else in my band lives here, including my longtime best friend and guitarist, DS. I actually just moved in at the beginning of this month. I had just bought an AWESOME car, which was stolen in Chicago literally the night before I was bringing the last of my stuff up here. It was a huge blow, but I'm holding my head high and have had nothing but great support from those around me. As one can imagine, I was completely freaked out at first (and homicidal, of course...I'll still KILL whoever took my car if I ever find out). My drive to work from here is 1.5 hours minimum (I still work in Chicago). Luckily, I got my shifts down to 2 a week (I work a 24 on one day), so it's not that bad...unless you don't have a CAR!!! Again, luckily, DS has been nice enough to let me use his car until I can find another one.
As far as the band, we are doing very well. Everything seems to be coming together actually. I see the car theft thing as a test of my will. I've passed this test and I'm ready for the next.
When I was looking for places here, i was very specific as to where I wanted to live (downtown, by the lake, and close to DS). I got rejected about 30 times because I have a dog. I really started to lose hope until the last minute (literally DAYS before my move), DS found a place. It's where I live now, and it's AWESOME!!! I've got me a HUGE 2 bedroom with two bathrooms in the heart of downtown, 2 blocks away from the lake and a 5 minute walk from DS's place. But, even more exciting is the fact that when I first walked in this place, I noticed the gigantic living room space, and thought "Wow, this would be GREAT for a rehearsal spot!". Well, we're rehearsing here now and it's worked out perfectly so far!
Ah, yes, the coke issue. As I mentioned before, I was still doing it while I was living in Chicago with Mr. X, but nowhere near as much as I used to. 3 times a month at most. This was during a time when AJ and I agreed to have an open relationship with people of the same sex. She found out about the coke use through my paper journal, hell was raised, and the rest is history. I've been completely clean of it for over a month now, and have had no problem doing so. Mr. X does try to contact me here and there, but I just ignore him. He really pissed me off last time we hooked up, so it actually makes it easier to ignore him. All I have to do is think about the incident, lol. I think that as long as that fucker is out of the picture, I'll be just fine. Wow, it feels good to write again, lol! Peace.

"Life Is full of surprises It advertises Nothing" - Depeche Mode

2009-03-23T11:17:00.004-05:00

The week before last was the last time I'll probably ever see Idiot again - or at least have sex. The following week, I received a phone call from him that nobody wants to ever get. He asked "do you have a moment", which usually means it's something actually serious. It was. He told me that he had just gotten back from his re-test, which had confirmed that he has HIV. I was terrified, but at the same time, not surprised. I stayed on the phone a couple more minutes, then told him I was going to go. It's something I've mentally prepared myself for for a long time actually, but I don't think any amount of mental conditioning could prepare you for that completely. My whole life flashed before me & it actually surprised me that I felt quite accomplished. I honestly feel that if my time to go is approaching fast, I'm okay with it. Shit, I've experienced more in a decade of my life than most people ever experience. I've defeated monsters that many people never defeat. To a bohemian like myself, experience is everything.
Needless to say, I went to get tested the next day. The test guy asked me what I was going to do if I was diagnosed as positive. I told him that I was okay with it because we are all going to die someday from something. He did not look very happy to hear that, but he knew it was the truth, lol. It still amazes me how people in our culture live in complete denial of the fact of death. It's no wonder that we hide all the old people away like they don't exist.
Anyway, to my amazement, he told me that the test result would be ready in about 20 minutes! They don't need blood tests anymore. It's a "swab" test, where they take a swab & have you run it along your gums & that's it.
So, I waited for the test to come back as a frantically continued writing in my paper journal. When he came back, I was cool, calm & collected. I went back in the patient room where he had the swab attached to the indicator device, which he turned towards me so I could see. I could tell that there were two horizontal red lines that could possibly appear on the indicator. The one that showed up on my test was the top one. I had no idea what that meant, but he told me after about 2 seconds..."you're negative".
I must admit that it was a huge relief, but not a complete relief. I knew that this test was not likely to indicate weather I got the disease from Idiot last time we hooked up. This one just showed that I did not have anything prior to our last "engagement". I said to the social worker, "Well, that's good, but it's not conclusive, right? I imagine that I still need to take another test in a few weeks(?)". He confirmed this & said that I need to check back with them in three weeks. It still worries me, of course.
But, one of the things that I've found to have me satisfied with my life is the fact that I've been able to record these songs. Many people say they love the songs & just as many say I suck. That's the music industry for ya. I'd be lying if I said that I don't care, but I don't care as much anymore. I just care about leaving the world with SOMETHING after I'm long gone - even if only one person listens to it.
So, even if my fate is still uncertain, I must keep in mind that it's NEVER certain. For all I know, I could be killed before the re-test by a drunk driver. You just never know.
The worst part, by far has been the thought of me having to tell Squeaky. I'm not going to say anything if my next test is also negative, but if it's not, I will be claiming my spot in hell.

Obsession

2009-03-09T03:24:00.003-05:00

I feel friggin' great! I'm literally obsessed with this music project. Today, Squeaky went to work for 8 hours. I started working on stuff by the time she left & was still at it when she came back! During that time, I re-did the vocals on one song, then re-mastered it...THEN I recorded another song to it's completion! I'm talking all the instruments & vocals (okay, I DID finish the drums prior, but that's it). I'm very happy with my songs so far (and thanks for the compliment, Kimmy! :) ). I have not doubt that I will be able to make a living doing music now & it feels damn good. I know this because I have a conviction in my brain to not let anything stop me.
Oh, and as far as partying...I've kept the "once-a-week" plan & it's worked flawlessly. I feel completely in control & I do it now to have fun & not to get away from a miserable existence. I WANT to live my life now. I've got so much work to do & I'm loving it because it's what I love. Case closed!

Place "Rocky" Theme Song here

2009-02-17T23:06:00.003-06:00

Hey, all. I've been really slackin' on this blog, so I thought I'd do a little update. Actually, I have not been slacking at all. I've been programming drums, writing and recording my ass off. I've got the first song pretty much complete. It definitely sounds good enough for a demo-type thing. I'm not a producer, so I will leave that to the pro's who know that shit well. It's been a very tedious, time-consuming & frustrating process, but the end result is always worth it. I'm literally learning to use all this equipment AS I'm recording it, so I gotta give myself some credit - I'd say I'm doing pretty damn good, considering!
I've had no problems at all with addiction & I've had no problem with my new & slightly flexible "once-a-week program". The only concern I've had recently is my lack of exercise. I'm normally a pretty active guy as far as workouts & when I slack, I feel...well...not right. BUT, I've also had a cold for the past couple of days so that excuses maybe a whole .01% of my laziness. No, again, it truly has not been sheer laziness. I've put a serious effort into the music project & I have to sacrifice some things. If it means I get a belly for a while, then so be it. I want my friggin album done! For those of you who asked, I will definitely send you a link to the first song when I finally download it (I still have to figure out how to do that too, lol).
And, you know, I'm SO okay with my "program" & myself lately that I've seriously been contemplating changing the name of this blog to "Cocaine Addiction Kinda SuckED"). Actually, it's probably better to just start another blog under the same account. Anyway, my point is that I totally feel in control now & it feels good!
Lastly, I'm pretty sure I'm about to get hired at a place which I think I'll really like. I interviewed on Friday & it went very well. I really liked the people there & it's a non-profit place, so like-minded folks will be there. The benefits are pretty much un-beatable too! I also can get a chance to learn more about non-profit organizations. I have been also thinking about trying to start my own non-profit for equal treatment & respect for the elderly (working on an ambulance for 10 years & seeing the nations nursing homes, especially "after hours" will do that to you!).

Total lack of irresponsibility

2009-02-02T10:26:00.003-06:00

Nothing too exciting has happened lately (which usually means I'm due for something to happen soon). Things have been pretty good here. We've been getting along great & I even went out to run yesterday for the first time in months. I really hate to admit this, but I was actually missing...um...you know...that state I lived in down south. I'm sure my experience in FL has a lot to do with my negative attitude towards it, but I know there's a lot of good things about it. Running in FL was fucking awesome. No, I'm not thinking of moving back.
Squeaky and I partied again this weekend & it was awesome. Idiot has been sick, so I have not had to worry about that. I have developed a new addiction though, which is pissing me off. Not any drug, but one of these online RPG's. Damn those games are addicting! But it's seriously been drastically reducing the amount of time I've been spending on the music project. Not cool.
I also did something uncharacteristically responsible. I'm actually kind of ashamed to report that, instead of buying tickets to the Death Cab concert, I paid my cell phone bill (had to choose one or the other). I've been dying to see DCFC for the longest time too. Oh well, I can still listen to their music whenever I want.

Moderation Man

2009-01-26T11:13:00.002-06:00

Been doing pretty good lately (hence my lack of posts!). Been working on music & keeping my partying down to about once a week, which was my goal. I did hook up with Idiot last night, but it was only for a few hours & I was fine with that. I'm supposed to go up and pick up the rest of my music gear from my ex-drummer in Wisconsin tonight. There's a chance I may not go though because Squeaky bought Metallica tickets for tonight & her friend that's supposed to go with her may cancel 'cause she's sick. She originally asked me if I wanted to go and, although they are one of my all-time favs, the last time I went to a show, we almost got into 3 fights all in one night! I guess that's what happens when there's that much testosterone flyin' around, lol. Anyway, I go to shows to have a good time, not to start shit - wtf is the point of that?
There WAS a small incident last night though. While I was partying with Idiot, I sent Squeaky a text asking her if she could give us one more hour (he showed up late, as usual). She said it was fine, but when she came home she was all pissy, so I called her on it. She said that she did not mind, but she just wanted to be home. I told her that it was obvious that she DID mind by her behavior. I pointed out that we are both passive aggressive (she actually laughed when I said that & I started to as well, lol) and we need to watch out for that shit. I told her that even though she's telling herself that she does not mind, subconsciously she does & it's just going to build up until it explodes again. I told her that I do not want that to happen again. I told her to please just say so if she disagrees next time. Hopefully she will.

My drummer is a total ANIMAL! No, seriously.

2009-01-16T07:38:00.005-06:00

Well, shit - I can't sleep & I have not written in a while, so here I go. Not much has happened since I got here actually. Before I left Southern IL, I picked up my last pay stub from the job I left & was like "holy shit!" because it really hit me how well they actually treat their workers! There's no doubt that having money is nice, but I gotta live my life without ever getting too comfy.
I have not hooked up with Idiot (who dropped his phone AGAIN and broke it AGAIN - I know you're all shocked.). Squeaky and I have a little something planned for tonight. It's -17 degrees Fahrenheit outside. My eyelashes froze within a half a block of walking my dog this morning. So, a little indoor skiing is fiiiiiiiiiiiine with me!
As far as the music project, I've got things moving. I'm practicing my set list every day until I get it down perfectly. I'm working out the details with my ex-drummer in WI & my parents in FL to get my equipment back to me here. I'm still kind of open to the idea of working with other people, but not very enthused about it. I'm not about to have another project blow up in my face because of someone else in the band. If I have full control of the project, then I can only blame myself. But, as much as I love being alone, I have to admit that it's a lot more fun when it's a collaboration. Fuck. I knew I'd start thinking about that again. I truly have a love/hate relationship with people! If only I could teach my dog to play drums - that would be sweet.

My Own Personal Jeebus

2009-01-12T03:20:00.005-06:00

I've finally decided that I'm going back to Chicago. I've had a long-ass time to think about shit between Squeaky & I, in fact, almost a year. I think I can forgive her (but NEVER forget) for our falling out & the things she did and said. She really does think the world of me for whatever reason. Even my aunt said that it would be foolish to let go of someone that loves me so much & actually "gets" me. Shit - I don't even get me most of the time! For a while, I was convinced that this was nothing but a suicide mission, but I honestly feel like I've grown strong enough to deal with my shit this time. I guess I needed actual proof that my problems will find me wherever I run to & that the only way to beat them is to stand up to them whenever & wherever they rear their ugly heads.
I'm not going up there without a plan either. Believe it or not, I've been making an effort to think things through. I cannot deny what I am & what my passion is and always will be. When I do, I feel dead. I died another death, so to speak, when I let my addiction take precedence over my music. Once again, I guess I needed proof that it would fuck me up that bad. I'm one stubborn ass mother fucker, lol! But I can use that stubbornness to my advantage now. There is only one I ultimately live for & that's music. It's a lifelong obsession. Music, to me, literally equals "God". There is no other reason to go on living without it. If I feel dead, then I might as well BE dead. Fuck that! Rock 'n' Roll has been in my blood ever since I can remember & I've inherited it from my father (who is an excellent musician & also encourages me). I know I have been given something very special & I'll be damned if I let it go to waste. For all I know, the music may never be heard until years after I die, and I'm okay with that. I'm happy to die trying. I'm just another human being who's mission happens to be of great importance as far as I can tell. I'm absolutely certain that love will win in the end. How do I know? Because I'm going to make damn sure of it!
And, no, this does not mean I will completely stop partying. Sex, (blank) & Rock 'n' Roll? I don't think so!!!

I Am Lord Numskull

2009-01-07T23:42:00.005-06:00

Yea, I've been sort of MIA for the past week. As you can probably guess, I've been getting myself into trouble as usual. I'm not even sure of the fucking days here, but let's say Friday was the day I played in the snow with Squeaky (wow, that sounds gay, even though it's the one non-gay adventure I had). So, the next day, I started fiending again, so I went online and ran across someone that I used to do meth with (and vowed to never do meth again because of how shitty it makes me feel for days). Well, my vows are about as good as good as a Vegas marriage vow, so off I went to see Meth Man. I'm not going to lie, the first couple of hours were fucking amazing. Then, that feeling started to come back. The feeling of extreme nausea took over & I kept thinking "Yea, THIS is why you said you'd never do this shit again, dumbass!". I started puking, and then puking some more. But did I stop there? Hell no. Since I had actually bought an eighth of this shit from him, I decided it was a good idea to go to the sex club & do some more! Needless to say, there was no sex, but there WAS plenty more puke! Yes, I graduated from Moron to Super-Moron! Oh, but it does not end here. My standard two days of hell were to follow, and they sure as fuck did. But, on the following night, Idiot (N.S.) calls me & asks if I want to party. As you can guess, I instantly graduated to Emperor of Morons. Luckily, divine intervention occurred & my plans got canceled. Now, any normal human being would stop here and say "Wow, I lucked out this time - I'll be more careful". Not me though, because the next day (still feeling like shit), Idiot and I went out & even though I knew that the chances of me actually having a good time were close to zero, I had to chance it. Yea, it sucked. I suck. I now proclaim myself to be Lord Numskull. Of course there's only one reason why I did all this shit. I'm an addict. Plain & simple.

Modest Muse

2009-01-02T01:27:00.004-06:00

Well, this is my 3d night in Chicago & I'm feeling pretty good. I'm staying at M.U.'s, of course. On New Year's Eve, we had a great play session. I was not expecting that because I did not think she had enough money for shit, but somehow she go it, lol. And the big question everyone is asking me lately is "are you and..."...hold on a second, I'm sick of this "M.U." shit - from now on I'm calling her "Squeaky" (because her laugh sounds like squeaking, lol). Okay, so the question everyone is asking me is "are you and Squeaky getting back together?". The best answer I can offer at this time is "quite possibly". When the new year hit, she kissed me & I actually did not feel like pulling away, lol. I can't stay too long though because I'm in my uncle's truck. Oh, and get this shit...
So, my aunt & uncle got back on Tuesday. I had told my aunt earlier that I had quit my job & she took it pretty well. I assumed that she would tell my uncle. So, they got home & I had dinner waiting for them (a kickass recipe I dug up from one of their million cook books) & everything was great. They loved the "Brazilian Beef" I made & they had offered for me to take the truck up to Chicago instead of me having to take the train. I jumped at the idea because that meant I could bring my dog & my guitar in addition to my standard travel shit. So, I helped them unpack while I packed & things were just peachy. I was JUST about to leave and said my goodbye's, when the fucking dome light would not turn off. I went back in & told my uncle about the problem. He came out and messed with it until it was fixed. Once again, I was ready to take off, but then at the very last second he asked me when I had to go back to work. OH, NO FUCKING WAY!!! Somehow, the news of my quitting did not get to him. So, I kind of fumbled for a few seconds & said "well...I don't know". He gave me a very puzzled look, then I finally just told him that I was not happy at all at that place. His entire demeanor changed to one of not being very happy. We said our goodbye's once again & my happy mood was instantly killed. The journey that followed did not help things either, believe me you, but I will spare the details.
I'm still standing by my decision though. I've been coming to terms with the fact that, to most people, I'm a complete freak. Actually, I've known that since I was about 8 years old. I guess I'm coming to terms with accepting it & really not worrying so much about what others think. I'm not happy when I'm "normal". I feel trapped & eventually, when I break out, I make a huge mess! Anyway, this mindset is very fertile ground for The Muse & I feel the strong need to start writing & performing again. I don't care anymore if I have to go out there completely alone & do open mic's. If that's what I need to do, then I'm going to do it. I think the time is now. I don't give a shit if I'm 99 years old, I'm still gonna rock if I have any life left in me!

The Idiot's Guide to GPS

2008-12-28T02:13:00.004-06:00

I did not expect to hear from N.S. this week. Last time we hooked up, I tried to wake him up in the morning, but he was in deep sleep. So I took off & took the rest of the coke with me (technically it was mine - I just had not paid him for it yet, which basically means he's not getting paid, lol. Yea, I'm an ass, lol.) Anyway, I thought that, since I had not heard from him in over a week, he was pissed. Maybe he was, but he called Thursday & was like nothing happened, so hey - whatever. We ended up hooking up the following night. The shit was pretty damn good & the crash afterward did not include the standard deep bout of depression, so I was happy about that. In fact, it took less than 24 hours for my sinuses to recover. Good shit, man!
Now let me explain why I'm an ass to him. Basically he's a friggin idiot! He and I have been playing for about 8 years now & I think he's been on time maybe 10 times during that whole period! I'm not even exaggerating. It's like impossible for him to get from point A to point B without doing a bunch of bullshit in between. Now, most of the stops that are done in between could all be done in one shot, but that's rarely how it goes because his dumb ass forgets and either has to go back or find another place. And he whines a lot (I'm talking much more than I do!). He'll FINALLY get here, then start complaining about some shit that I have nothing to do with & I'm thinking "shut the fuck up already & let's get this shit started!!". Oh, and just one more thing I have to bring up that happened this weekend with him. He is the only mother fucker I know that can make a wrong turn & not realize until he's 6 miles off track...USING A GPS SYSTEM!!! How the fuck do you get that far off your intended route while using a working goddamn GPS??? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGGH!!! *Deep breaths* Needless to say, the only reason I still hook up with him is because of the coke. It's pathetic. I know.
Anyway, so here I am almost fully recovered & preparing myself for the return of the aunt & uncle. I'm dreading this. I have to tell them that I quit, then that I'm thinking of moving back to Chicago. This will undoubtedly cause an uproar with my family. They just came back from FL and DID visit my mom and dad. I would find it surprising if a conversation did not come up about my cocaine use. If my aunt did not know how bad it had gotten in Chicago, she will know now. M.U. keeps telling me not to worry because I'm an adult & I can do whatever I want. I know, but there is still a tremendous amount of pressure on me.
Of course, M.U. has her own reasons for wanting me to move back. She tells me she loves me every time she sees me & I know she does. Yea, I DO love her back, but I can't say it to her - at least not yet. I'm still scarred like a mother fucker from my previous relationship, and not to mention she shit M.U. herself did before our big break-up. I really do feel like she actually "gets" me though. I can't say that about many people at all. I know I'm virtually impossible to deal with & she deals anyway. She's a sweet girl, but can be a real irrational cunt when she's pissed. I guess we all can. I just don't want to go back there and get myself into the same situation that I worked so hard to get away from. If there was something that changed, I would be less hesitant, but I can't think of much that has. If N.S. is still in the picture (which he will be), it's going to be very difficult to keep that from happening again, unless I occupy myself with other stuff. That's the only thing that may be able to save me. If I work & start school up there, that may be the key. Roll on, roller-fucking-coaster!

Language Fail

2008-12-23T14:29:00.003-06:00

Okay, that was fun. Unless you can read Hindi (I can't), you're probably wondering WTF is up with that last post. Well, I did something with the settings the other day which changed everything I write into Hindi & I could not figure out how to switch it back until now. I'm going to leave it there because I think it's kind of amusing that you can tell where I'm swearing by the exclamation points, lol!
Anyway, as I began to write before I was rudely interrupted by this little incident...
This last mega-depression bout did not last as long as I thought it would. In fact, it was less than 24 hours. By the next day I was cranking the music, cooking & singing again, so it's been good for the most part. I'm still stressing over what the hell I'm going to do when the folks get back. I'm considering just telling them that I got fired instead of having to go through the reasons why I quit. So, here I am again, making up lies to cover up other lies & I just don't like that shit!
Throughout all this bullshit though, I have a genuine feeling that I'm taking a big step closer to finding out who I really am. I'm not even exactly sure what that means, but it makes me feel better, so fuck it! No, seriously, I have a feeling that I have a better idea of which general direction I should point this ship in. Most of my life has been spent just spinning in circles with the occasional mirage of land in sight. Maybe this is just another of those mirages. Maybe life is a big fucking mirage. What the hell do I know?
Okay, I promised myself that I would fill out applications for culinary schools in London and Paris. I need to do that and cook. Laters & to all my readers - happy holidays! :-D

इन्स्तंत हिन्दी

2008-12-23T14:21:00.004-06:00

ओके, सो इ स्टार्टेड व्रितिंग थिस ब्लॉग अ फेव मिनुतेस अगो & इ'म नोटिसिंग ठाट एवेर्य्थिंग इ राइट इस नो तुर्निंग इन्तो हिन्दी चरक्टेर्स! व्त्फ़? इ वास मेस्सिंग विथ थे सेत्तिंग्स थे ओथेर डे & इ मुस्त हवे दोने सोमेथिंग। ग्रेट। सो, अस इ'म व्रितिंग थिस (सिंस इ दोन'टी क्नोव हाउ तो रीड हिन्दी), अल इ कैन सी इस थे वर्ड इ'म कर्रेंत्ली व्रितिंग, व्हिच इस प्रेत्टी फुच्किंग अन्नोयिंग! वहत'स मोरे अन्नोयिंग इस ठाट इ कैन'टी फिगुरे आउट हाउ तो स्वित्च आईटी बेक। इ'डी बेत्टर चेक तो सी इफ आईटी'स गोइंग तो अच्तुअल्ली पुब्लिश थिस वे। *उघ!!!!!!*

Diary of a Madman

2008-12-21T18:20:00.000-06:00

The party with M.U. last night went pretty well until the end. The guy we played with last time came over too. He's cool with us skiing & is good company in general. The last time, it was one of those threesomes that is just uncomfortable & awkward because everyone is nervous. This time we knew the third person, so it was much more comfortable. M.U. even admitted that she had a really good time (she was not eager for a 3d person because of last time). He left about half way though, which was perfect. Everything was going really well still until probably the last hour when I started to crash. I basically got really depressed and had to stop. It sucked. I could not stop thinking about my situation & what the fuck I'm supposed to do now. I started having "bad thoughts" again. I'm better today, but still not well by any means.
Luckily, I still have 2 Prozacs left, so I popped one earlier, which helped somewhat. I simply forgot to take one yesterday, which was not helpful, I'm sure.
One good thing about crashing I guess, for me, is that I tend to open up a bit (I have walls up that are thicker than the Cheyenne Mountain Military Fucking Command Center). I told her how much I truly despise this world & that I really don't want to do shit anymore, except get fucked up. I know I sound like an angry teenager & I suppose I'm in the same mindset as such. When you are an adult, you're somehow supposed to learn to cope with this shit & become very thick-skinned. Believe me you, I've tried. But I'm way too goddamn sensitive to ignore shit. Go ahead, call me a "pussy", "weakling", or whatever else comes to mind. I don't give a fuck. I am who I am & I'm not going to pretend that I'm not. Fuck that. I'd rather die. Maybe I will.

Escape

2008-12-19T22:45:00.000-06:00

So, as I suspected, "slam guy" totally blew me off yesterday. I guess that's just as well - I don't need to be making this shit any worse. The thing that pissed me off was that he strung me along all fucking day. What a dick.
I had my interview, but I'm not sure I'm being considered. In fact, I'm not even sure I would want it anyway because of the pay. It was not a surprise, but the pay is less than half as what I was making in my previous job. But, that's how you start out in any Carrier, right? The interviewer was actually a pretty sexy Asian chic. It was very informal & she was all punked out (definitely NOT what you would expect for an interview!). In fact, I think she might have been high because her eyes were red as hell, lol. Needless to say, I instantly liked the place! She showed me around & everyone there looked like they were either an actor or musician. Bonus! Everything went very well until I said goodbye and started out the door. For some reason, I just got the feeling that I did not get it. I have mixed feelings about this. The lack of funds would be worth it in the long run if I decided to definitely pursue a culinary career. But the more I talk about it with people, the more discouraged I get. Many people I know say that they have friends who are chefs and cannot find a job worth shit. I guess it's like being a musician. Since everyone and their fucking sister wants to do it, the competition is fierce. Anyway, I've not been called back yet. It would be nice to at least have SOMETHING by the time my aunt gets back. You know what it is, honestly? I'm SO god-damn sick of the fucking rat-race that "sick of" does not even begin to describe how I loathe it. It's fucking stupid & I fucking hate everything about it. I don't want to be part of it anymore. I guess I'm trying to minimize my participation in it by getting low-key work & making damn sure that I have enough time & freedom to myself to do what I WANT TO FUCKING DO. "Life's for my own to live my own way", as Hetfield says.
M.U. is coming down tomorrow, so I'm rather excited about that. I guess that's another good thing about that dickhead blowing me off. I'm not going to still be recovering by the time she gets here. Shit, I would not be surprised if I decided to just go back up there with her.

In a Chemical World

2008-12-18T06:53:00.000-06:00

I have a job interview in about 10 hours. I answered an ad for a baker position, which is pretty much exactly what I've been looking for. I was actually dancing yesterday because I was so happy (I know...GAY!). I have a good feeling about it & it's going to be much easier telling my folks that I quit my other job if I already have another one. Today is also the day I'm supposed to hook up with "slam-guy". I'm kind of nervous, but there's a good chance it may not even happen. People flake out about 60% of the time, I'd estimate.
I tried to get to sleep early, but kept waking up, so here I am trying to kill time & make myself sleep already. I even took Benadryl & it's hardly effective this time. Actually, I can feel it making me tired, but when I lay down, I just sit there not getting to sleep. That's okay, I know it will likely hit me about 2 hours before I have to go to the fucking interview.
M.U. is coming down this weekend too. I sent her a check for just about all I will have left after paying my cell phone bill so that we can enjoy a nice long fucked up weekend! Okay, I'm going to try this sleep shit again.

Born to be Cyco

2008-12-15T02:17:00.000-06:00

N.S. came down on Thursday for what was supposed to be a super-sex-fest. I had gotten in touch with a couple others that were going to join us that night, but they flaked. We ended up having to get a room again, but the shit that he had was phenomenal! Yes, once again, I pretended to go to work, but this time I actually had a place to stay, lol. Despite the complications, I had a pretty friggin' awesome night.
Another migraine my aunt had threatened this second trip the following day. Luckily, it only delayed the departure by a day. Yes, that means I'm here alone with nothing to do, which can only lead to trouble, which I'm finding already.
I met someone online who is coming into town in a few days who says he's got lots of shit, including my favourite powder & some tina (which I have not done in a long time because I just hate the way you feel the next day). He asked how I like to do them & I told him either snort or smoke. He suggested we slam. At first, I did not know what he was talking about, but then it hit me - duh! That's one thing I've never tried before, but I'm definitely curious because of the way other junkies describe the feeling. It's supposed to be fucking euphoric. I'm a bit nervous, but you know I'm gonna try 'cause I'm crazy like that.
THEN, for the weekend, I've got M.U. coming down to visit, which means another all-party weekend! I could feel guilty about all this shit & I'm sure it will catch up to me, but right now I just feel like saying "fuck it" & enjoying life the best I can. Rock 'n' Roll to the fucking core, bioooooootches!!!

Modern Day Candide

2008-12-07T04:22:00.000-06:00

Okay, so here's the longer version of my weekend since I called off work: Both my aunt & uncle were supposed to go out of town for a few days on Thursday night, which meant I would have the place to myself. That was also a factor in my decision to call off, but not the deciding one. So that night, I was all set & let nobody know that I had called in. The plan was simply to wait until they left & enjoy the rest of the evening alone at last. The rest of the plan was to have NS come over & we could party on Friday, then the rest of the weekend I could study for my job. Yea, none of those happened!
I anxiously waited & waited for them to leave (I was sure that they would leave hours before I had to...um...go to work). It started to get dark out & I started wondering if they would even go. So, I made a "plan B" and a "plan C". Plan B was to get ready and dressed for work, leave, then do drive-by's every hour or so to see if they left yet. Plan C assumed they were not leaving & would be used after 10pm if they were still there. This plan involved me driving up to Chicago & staying with MU, then figuring out some sort of explanation as to why I did not come home after work.
6:15pm & there was still no sign that they were going anywhere. I switched to plan B & started "getting ready for work". As I was running around gathering up my stuff, I noticed my aunt was laying on the couch in her migraine position. Fuck! I was pretty damn sure they were not going now. On my way out, I asked my uncle if they were going or not & he replied that it was up to my aunt. Double fuck!
I had not eaten dinner, so I figured I'd go kill some time & grab something to eat. I got the urge to eat a Big Mac, so I hit the Mickey D's. After I ate, I made a couple calls. Call 1 was to MU to make sure it was okay for me to go up there, which of course it was. Call 2 was to RM to ask her to call the house and ask for me & if nobody picked up, I would haul ass back home. RM was out to dinner & said she would call after she was done. She was, of course, very amused by my situation, lol. We have a great relationship - she helps me out with her bullshitting skills & I give her entertainment of telling her about my stupid life.
Anyway, so I'm driving around in my uniform wondering what the fuck to do until I able to make the decision to use plan C or not. Plan C was becoming very unappealing too because I started to feel the effects of the bronchitis.
I pulled into a parking lot near a mall in front of a bar. I kind of wanted to go in and get a drink or two, but I was feeling shitty, so I just sat in the truck watching people come in and out like a friggin stalker. After an hour or so, I got tired of waiting for RM to call, so I decided to do a drive-by. When I got there, the car was still there. Triple fuck! I drove back to the bar & waited another half-hour or so. I finally decided that I would just give up, drive home and tell them I came home sick. When I pulled up the second time, to my amazement, the car was gone! I came in, messed around on the web & went to sleep...but not before making a final call. This one was to NS to confirm Friday night. It was confirmed & it would be smooth sailing from then on....NOT!
I woke up the next morning & got a call from my uncle telling me that he would be back that night & only my aunt was staying the few more days. Quadruple FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!! Needless to say, Friday night did not happen & I ended up having to tell them that I came home sick from work anyway. For those of you who don't know me personally, this is how my life always goes, lol! This is why I do drugs!
Anyway, so here I am, 3 days later & have not studied one bit. I'm pretty sure I'm going to quit the job before I even start, but I feel kind of stuck because it's all I have right now. I've had a lot of time to think over the weekend & I'm pretty sure I'm just ready to get out of health care completely. I'm just not feeling into it any more.
I've been checking out culinary schools all over. I'm looking at one in London & one in Paris. That would be fucking cool. I actually love to cook - it relaxes me & allows my mind to wander like it always wants to. Why not get paid for that shit? London seems more reasonable at this point considering I don't know how to speak French, but I think I could learn pretty quick since I speak Spanish. I'm going to go pound my head against the wall some more. Cheers!

Feel Like Shit...Deja vu

2008-12-05T03:19:00.000-06:00

I've got the bronchitis again. Actually, I don't think it ever went away - it just became very obvious when I tried smoking a square. I called in sick to work on my first day out on the street. Yea, not a good start, but wtf am I supposed to do? I probably could have gone it 'cause it's not like I'm dying, but this is a job that can be very physical & can be outside in the freezing cold. And yes, I'm also still having issues with even working there. The funny thing is that other people in my field would kill to have my job. In fact, they would probably kill me if they found out I was considering leaving. But hey, that's me - Mr. Loose Canon. I found out the other day during training that a lot of times I will be working alongside five-0 (sometimes in the same building). I have enough trouble relating to people in general already, shit! Anyway, my next shift is supposed to be Tuesday night. We'll see what happens. Until then, I'm just chillin' & letting these antibiotics do their thing (including making me feel like shit).
I told MU that I was considering going back to Chicago if I found a more desirable job. She jumped right on that & called her "friend in high places" & is telling me to send a resume. I know that, as far as the drug problems, I've been doing much better since I've been down here just due to the situation. I HAVE sought out connections. I was even doing that earlier tonight. That's probably just asking for trouble. Maybe that's just what I want. I'm definitely crazy.

See no evil

2008-12-01T17:48:00.000-06:00

I'm without a computer monitor. This sucks. I have everything except something to SEE what I'm doing (on my aunt's pc right now). hopefully this won't last long. I'm gonna have to probably get one of those cheap ancient 600lb monitors, 'cause I just can't afford a flat screen yet. I'll be back soon - hopefully. This was my first day at orientation. It was boring, as expected.

420

2008-11-29T23:47:00.000-06:00

I'm in Chicago. My aunt had to come up here, so she figured I might as well pick up my guitar & some other stuff. I was so praying that MU had some weed here. She does. It's the shit! Yea, so I'm happily enjoying my last day before I start work. I've even had the place to myself all evening until tomorrow morning when MU gets back. I was getting so annoyed down there without a minute of being by myself. On Friday, they BOTH left for about an hour, but my aunt told me that one of her friends was coming over in half an hour! So, I got a total of about 25 minutes of having the house to myself since I've been down there. I know - I should not complain. At least I have somewhere to go. It's just so annoying. Oh, and in case you're wondering, yes I DID try to get coke tonight. Luckily, I was unable to in such short notice. I've got problems!

From "blah" to "baaaaah!"

2008-11-26T00:05:00.000-06:00

These past couple of days have been kind of just "blah". I guess I should mention that I went to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting on Monday. I was pretty interesting, but not too much different than the group I went to in FL. There were a couple newbies there besides myself, so I guess I was a bit more comfortable in that sense. One thing that bugs me about the group is that they are of the mindset that the ONLY was is to completely stop doing ALL drugs, including your weekend drinks. I disagree with that philosophy. I think that to stop everything completely is going to intensify the crave even more. It's like those health food maniacs that never ever eat anything considered "junk food". I think it's actually healthier to have that bacon burger or ice cream every once in a while. Moderation is the key. That's my theory and I'm sticking to it, damn-it! Now if I could just get myself to do these things the way I say, I would be just fine. Anyway, I was close to going back today but decided not to. I think the main reason I wanted to go back was to connect with people. Hmmm...it WAS nice to connect. But I think I can find a group to connect with in a different context. Another thing that bugs me about their philosophy is that they consider anyone who has ever been addicted an addict for life. I think that there are more healthy ways of looking at it. I've often contemplated changing the name of this blog for that very reason. But, I still feel that my addiction is still the main theme here. Perhaps I'll change it when I feel differently. This paradoxical world we live in drives me mad. Sometimes it's nice to do drugs just to stop thinking already!
I've not cut things off with GH quite yet. I know I probably should have, but it's been nice to have someone to go out with. The intimacy is nice too, but I know it's just going to deepen things. We went out to eat for a while tonight, then went back to her place. She made it clear that she wanted to know me better before we had sex again. Yea, that usually works BEFORE the first time you have sex! Anyway, I'm not that worried about it because the attraction factor is still lacking somewhat for me. Trust me, I'm not looking to date a super-model. If fact, I'd probably never date a model because I would just be too annoyed with her. But there is a certain level of attraction that I think is necessary between two people for a long-term thing. I suppose I'm still comparing any girl I date to my ex-fiance. God, the feelings I still get when I think about her are not pleasant. After 4 years, I'm still hurting. I wonder if she is too. Probably not - she turned into a total cunt anyway. Fuck her!

"Melody Lee Is Damned" blog readers, please read...

2008-11-23T17:02:00.000-06:00

Our fellow blogger & brilliant entertainer, Melody Lee, is in the hospital. Her friend "K1tten" is forwarding any messages you may want to send to her. Go to this blog...

http://k1tten.blogspot.com/2008/11/melodly.html

for details.

Stranger in a Strange Land

2008-11-23T01:02:00.000-06:00

I just finished my first run (treadmill) since I got sick. Sometimes I forget how much that really affects my mood. Fighting depression was the main reason I started integrating cardiovascular exercise into my routine in the first place. I'm feeling better than I did yesterday.
I got a call from my realtor yesterday informing me that the people who own the condo I was looking into buying are offering it to me for 20k less than what I offered. Wow. I'm trying to figure out a plan where I can get the money for a down payment & get a loan. So far, it's looking promising, but you never know. It's strange how this affects me psychologically. When I start thinking about buying my own place & paying dues, etc. (basically being responsible again!), I get a sense of hope as far as living a "normal" life again. I'd like to think that I've gained some wisdom from the shit I've been through these past few years. Perhaps I'm better prepared to deal with a conventional world while remaining a "free spirit" (I can't stand that term, but it does describe me). I'm especially referring to my new job, which I will start next month. Who knows, maybe I'll get lucky and get put with a cool partner. It's happened in the past. I'm still nervous as hell.
Oh, and as far as GH...I've kinda sorta blew her off this weekend. I just don't think we're a match. I feel bad, but dragging it out is worse. Maybe I'm just not ready.

Bluer Than Midnight

2008-11-21T22:41:00.000-06:00

My current bout of depression finally seems to be letting up today. Ones that last days have become rare, but this was certainly that. About a week ago, I doubled my dosage of Prozac because I felt a bout coming on.
While in this state, I found myself rightfully worried about my ability to function at my new job. In the past, I've called in sick if severe depression hits me on a day I have to work. I HATE having to do that, but I really don't know what else to do. I'm not talking about your regular run-of-the-mill depression here. There is a long history of unipolar depression and suicide on my dad's side of the family. I have to admit that those thoughts did cross my mind from time to time this week. When I start thinking of how I'm going to do it - that's when it gets scary. I know exactly what has lead to this latest outbreak though.
When I got here, I feel like life had offered me a "clean slate". However, I've found myself starting to lie & make up stories again to cover up my lifestyle. I don't feel comfortable at all like that & of course it's only going to get worse if I keep going like this. I've used GH as an excuse to go out the last couple times and get fucked up. It's perfect because I have an excuse to not have to come back until morning. The truth is that I've only seen her a couple times & honestly I don't think it's going to work out. Last night, NS came into town & we got a room again. I told GH that I was going out of town. We had a lot of fun for sure, but I really don't like to be dishonest. It makes me feel like shit.
Today, I've pretty much just laid around recovering from last night. I'm hoping that once I start working, it will force me to get back into "recovery" mode. I know I'm going to be found out sooner or later if I keep this up. It's inevitable.

Como se dise "Feel like shit"?

2008-11-17T22:12:00.000-06:00

The only reason I did not party again last night was because NS, who offered to come down, ended up not being able to make it. I'm glad now that he did not because I've not felt that great today. Physically, I've got a headache and my lungs still feel crappy from the bronchitis. If fact, just a few minutes ago, I felt that pain in my lungs which tells me I'm still fighting it. Emotionally, I feel like crap too. I feel bad for not starting my job today, but at the same time I'm glad because I don't feel that great. I did not postpone my new job because of the bronchitis though. I really thought I'd be well enough today. I did it because I knew I'd be recovering from my coke binge on Saturday. There's a big part of me that does not even want to start this new job. I have a feeling that I'm not going to "fit in" with the crowd there. I think I would have fit in a lot better at that job that turned me down, but...yea, they turned me down. I know that part of the reason I'm having a bad feeling about it is because it's mostly guys. I've not had a guy friend in years now because I tend to feel much more comfortable around women. I'm not sure exactly why that is, but I have my theories. I have been dealing with esteem issues pretty much my whole life. I've gotten much better, but it still affects me and my interactions with people in general. Knowing that being a guy who lacks confidence is the male equivalent of being a female who lacks beauty, as far as attractiveness goes, does not help things. I also know that I'm more sensitive than most males, so "ball busting" is difficult for me. If someone starts talking shit about me, I tend to immediately go into "fight mode". I don't like feeling like that. I dunno, these are theories. They make sense to me...sorta.
GH and I DID end up talking briefly on the phone last night. She called right before she was going to sleep and told me that she just wanted to call so I would not think she was blowing me off. Yea, that was sweet of her. We talked earlier this evening & she invited me over to her place for dinner & Star Trek (yes, she's a Trekkie), lol. She obviously likes me...so far. I keep thinking "God, if she only knew. I think she would run the other way". I also keep thinking about how nice it felt on Saturday to just lie next to MU after partying. It felt nice because she knows all the "bad" shit about me & does not care. There's definitely something to be said about that.

I am The Lord of Chaos

2008-11-16T16:47:00.000-06:00

I returned home at about 11am or so from partying with MU all night. I have to admit that it was fun as hell! I don't like having, once again, to make up stories about where I'm going & all that jazz. I actually told them I was going out again with GH, the girl I had the date with last week (more on her later). I also figured that I would be feeling pretty shitty for the next couple of days and not wanting to start work tomorrow. So, using my razor sharp memory (NOT!), I remembered that the job had offered me to start either tomorrow or on Dec. 1st and that they also knew I was dealing with a bout of bronchitis. Yea, you know where this is going! So, needless to say, I've arranged for the later start date. In my lazy ass good-for-nothing junkie defense, I still DO feel mildly ill with the bronchitis. I've already perfected (hopefully) the story I'm going to tell my family as to why I'm not starting tomorrow. These people are no dummies, so I've got to make sure my story is flawless. So far, I think it is. Yea, I suck.
Back to GH, as promised: "Daft Dragon", you were right - she IS still interested. I knew I should have gotten a female opinion before jumping to conclusions, lol. I checked my yahoo IM today & apparently she has been trying to send me messages on there, but I had not checked until today. We chatted online for a while. She's supposed to call me tonight.
I should also mention that MU, before she left this morning told me she loved me again and was crying because she did not want to leave *sigh*. The world, to me, is absurdly confusing. I'm talking tax return papers X like 999 trillion. I often wonder if most people feel like this. They either don't, or do a really good job of hiding their confusion. It does not help that I can't focus on anything for more than 5 seconds. LOCUST! See?

Mizzoth to the Flizzame

2008-11-13T23:48:00.000-06:00

So, I went out with this girl last night. We went to grab some drinks & then to see a movie ("Role Models" - it's funny as shit - see it!). Anyway, she seemed pretty nervous the whole time, but I think I did a good job of calming her down. This is a "guy" version of the story, so it's short & to the point. We were holding hands by the time we said good-night & said we'd go out again soon. I even got a text from her when I got home saying that she had a great time. So we're all good, right? WRONG! I sent her a text today just wishing her a good day at work - nothing elaborate (I'm not one of those clingy people - I just wanted to say hi & say something nice). I have not heard from her at all. Weird. Oh, well. It was nice anyway to just hang out with someone who is NOT family, lol.
Earlier today I did get a text from MU. She said that her trip to IA was cancelled, so I suggested she drive down here instead & we could get a room. Yea, she did not hesitate at all to accept my offer! So I've booked for Saturday & she's bringin' the party favours. So, why am I going to party with my ex two days before I start my new job? Because I have a fascination with anything akin to playing with fire. I have it in my head that I have to burn in order to feel "normal". Is it really the case? Or am I just so used to it that it feels right?
I spent 5 hours on Monday filling out paperwork, giving them my urine and blood, taking physical tests & all kinds of other shit. I was very proud to get my badge (no, I'm not a cop!), yet I'm willing to risk it all for a few hours of intense dirty nasty coke-enhanced sex. Shit - even writing the previous sentence turns me on, and at the same time makes me feel guilty. Maybe I'm just thinking too much about it. I'm even having some intermittent thoughts about getting back with MU.

Psycho Killer, Qu'est Que Ce'st - fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa...

2008-11-10T01:24:00.000-06:00

I'm at the tail end of my bronchitis bout. I could have probably worked out today, but hey - I'm taking it easy.
So I get this message out of the blue in my e-mail box from this girl from a dating website I've not paid much attention to. I usually don't think much of these messages when they come because they are usually from someone at least 400 miles away. This girl is actually in the same town. So, we exchanged a couple of messages and ended up IMimg for a while tonight. Towards the end of the convo, she asked if I wanted to do something on Wednesday night. I said that would be great. Now, part of me is asking why the fuck I'm even considering going on a date with her. Maybe I'm trying to test myself again. Let me explain.
I'm insane. Don't get me wrong, I'm not insane as in "I'm a serial killer", but I'm certainly not what most people would consider a "pillar of society". I've had sex with more people than most male rock stars and I've done just about as many drugs. I'm basically a rock star, minus the rock stardom, fame & money. And, I'm used to dating women who are rather psychotic themselves. I was bitten a long time ago & there's just no turning back...or is there? I guess that's my problem with this whole thing.
I'm trying to start something again with a "normal" girl. I HAVE tried this before & I know that the only way for it to actually work is for me to become "normal". Judging on past experience, I would conclude that that is improbable. It's funny, this girl says in her profile that she does not want to date any "freaks" - LMAO! She also states that she wants someone that can "deal with life's troubles". Well, I DO "deal" with them - just not as effectively as other people (plus my way just seems more interesting, lol). I suspect that I may just be one of those people who need more stimulation than average. That would explain a LOT.
Anyway, my point is that I think that I'm doing this to try and stabilize my life as well as for companionship. I try to convince myself that maybe now that I'm older, I can do this.
The last "normal" girl I dated was the girl I almost married. I was going to, but the guilt from being the way I am just would not let me.
Oh, and in the meantime, as I started to mention in my last entry, my ex still thinks we're an item! Yea, she's one of the psycho ones, as you may have guessed. I left her over a year ago after she got physically violent with me (I don't hit girls) & tried to break up my best friend and I. We still have gotten fucked up and had sex though since the breakup. I guess she's seeing that as us being back together. I seriously need to find some herb!

"Flash! Aaaaaah! He's for every one of us."

2008-11-07T17:57:00.000-06:00

I'm feeling better today (not super-weak/depressed as yesterday). I got my new running shoes & WOW, what a difference! I had not realized how much I had flattened out the cushioning on my old ones, lol. I'm also okay (so far) with not getting tweeked this weekend. Then again, NS has not called me yet. I think it's a good thing that every time we party, we have to rent a room. It definitely cuts down the frequency of wanting to do it. That shit gets expensive!
I talked to RM today & apparently my ex still thinks we are together & everything is fine *sigh*. Shit - I hear guests arriving. Gonna have to write later.

Times you miss being a stoner

2008-11-06T04:40:00.000-06:00

I'm pretty much out of commission with the bronchitis. I was feeling pretty shitty all last week and did not know why. Oh well, at least I'm not calling in sick to work. On top of this, I've been pretty damn depressed lately. I don't know anyone here, I've got no job & I can't even work out because I feel like crap. I was also reading this book that's supposed to make people feel better, "Think and Grow Rich", and yea - I'm pretty much feeling like a piece of shit now - thanks a lot. It's one of those books that calls everyone who is not rich a "loser". In fact, this idiot states that 98% of the population are losers. Ever see the movie "Little Miss Sunshine"? I'm pretty sure that Greg Kinnear's character was based upon the author of this book. Needless to say, I'm not reading that shit any more.
I'm also feeling guilty for not writing or playing any songs lately. Sometimes I just feel like going back to being a pot-head and just saying "fuck it all". It was nice to just kick back, smoke some herb & give a big one-finger salute to the world. I know myself though. I would not be happy with myself if I did that. Then again, when am I ever happy with myself?

Time to take the power back!

2008-11-04T00:11:00.000-06:00

Well, today is officially the day America decides it's fate. Well, supposedly (I'm still not 100% sure this whole election thing isn't just a big show). All I know is that it's time to show these right-wing pussies who they've been fucking with. The criminals who hold office need to be shown the door. In fact, many of them, under the REAL constitution (before the Bush Regime decided to rewrite it) they should be tried for treason. If that albino-turtle-lookin' mother fucker "wins" this time, I don't think The People are going to let it go without a fight. Since they've taken over the media, they have tried to portray the "left" (which, in their description would include moderates like myself) as "weak". Well, let me just remind them who kicked who's ass in the first American Civil War. Yea, that's right, and we'll do it again, fuckers!

Okay, now that I've gotten that out of the way *deep breaths*...

I'm starting to feel down again. Both jobs I interviewed for have not called me back. I called both of them today for a follow-up, but got machines. Yea it sucks, but it could be worse. Onward through the fog. I've also started to feel extremely lonely in this town lately. I've been going out a lot, but when I do, I'm usually either reading or writing. I'm an introvert with big walls I've put up around me, so it's not exactly easy for me to start out in a new place. Again, it could be worse.

I'm not sure if I ever wrote about LW. LW is actually a girl I met off of MySpace. I was actually surprised that she requested to be a "friend" because she just seemed way too "Jesus-ey" for my taste & it's pretty obvious from my page that I'm not like that, lol. Anyway, long story short, we started talking on the phone while I was still in FL. When I got up to Chicago, she wanted to talk, but I could not because I was at my ex's place (the only place I could stay) and that pissed her off. So, LW has made contact with me again & we're cool. JH (girl who moved to San Francisco) has also been talking about visiting. I just don't want to get into the situation I was in with ML in FL. Okay, all these initials are starting to annoy me. I feel like a fucking car salesman now with their APR's & MSRP's. Fuck all of them & their stupid commercials! Okay, I guess I should try to get some sleep before the 10-hour wait at the polls later.

Oh well, at least it was good!

2008-11-02T00:12:00.000-05:00

Last night, NS & I hooked up (did the motel thing again). The shit he had was actually pretty good. I guess "the man" finally got the hint from all the people complaining about the recent dive in quality. I had a lot of fun pretty much the whole time until, as usual, I realize there's almost none left. But even with that, it ended well. I know there's no way I'm going to get away with doing this once a week. They will eventually catch on. That's good. It will encourage me to not do it so much.
I went on 2 interviews last week. Both of them seemed very promising & I was sure I would have to decide between jobs. I've had no callbacks yet though. I know that does not mean it's over, but I figured they would get back to me sooner.
I've not been much in the mood to write lately. Laters.

Vomit-Fest Puts Me to the Test

2008-10-22T00:09:00.000-05:00

This has been a very strange week. On Sunday night, I decided that I did not want to wait any longer, so I started looking online again for partiers in the area. And, who did I see that was online? NS. Within about 40 seconds of chatting, we decided that we should hook up that very night. I told him I'd pay for the motel room if he got more shit. I was certainly very excited about this, so I got the room about 4 hours before he was to arrive. He actually got there before I expected (which is extremely rare for him). By the time he got there, I was fiending something fierce! The first line he made was huge & I vacuumed it up as usual. Well, it was the same thing over again. The first couple of hours were pretty kickass, then towards the end, I kept trying to chase the high by doing more. This time, something happened that freaked me out. I actually got so fucked up that I could barely move. I just laid there on the bed & asked him to bring another line (thinking for some stupid reason that it would help). I did another & it did nothing. I started feeling really weird & I could hear myself starting to talk incoherently. After about 10 minutes of that, I started to feel something that felt like nausea, but I was not sure if that's what it was. Well, about 2 minutes after that, my theory proved to be right. I started throwing up. It took me so much by surprise that I did not make it to the toilet in time. I threw up 6 or 7 times, then I could not even get up. I had to crawl to the bed because I had no balance & could not see straight at all. After that, I just laid there with my hands over my face while I gasped. I honestly don't know if I was trying to cry or trying not to, but it came out as gasps, lol. I can't remember ever being that fucked up. When there's still shit left and I don't use it, you KNOW I'm fucked up as hell! I have to be grateful that I really was not in much pain though - physically anyway. Meanwhile, another set of events were starting to unfold at the home front.
My uncle has been having pretty severe back pain lately and has been given strong pain killers. They also want to do some tests on him tomorrow (which is the day they are supposed to leave). They still planned on taking the trip - only they would wait after he got the tests done. However, this morning my aunt began having really bad migraines which subsided by the time we ate dinner...or so we thought. I guess the gods felt that I had not experienced enough vomit this week. After eating, she drank some water that was apparently too cold, and it set off the migraine symptoms with a vengeance. I saw her start to run to the bathroom, as my mind flashed back to Sunday night. She did not make it either, and guess who was going to have to clean up...ding-ding-ding! Bingo! Luckily I'm pretty used to this sort of stuff because of my job, so it was not that big of a deal.
So, they've decided to cancel their trip. I'm not sure if I should feel glad that I ended up partying early or not. Either way, I'm kind of disappointed. Partying aside, I was just looking to have the place to myself for a week. That would have been pretty cool. But, I'm a beggar at this point, so I cannot be a chooser. And, that's definitely not a good combination of illnesses to have on a long road trip.
I was also informed that the sale of the property in FL is probably not going to happen. I guess I've been sort of naive about the situation (I've never done this before), but my realtor set me straight. The guy who is supposed to be the buyer has gotten turned down 3 times by the banks already for a loan. Well, I guess in Real-Estate-World, it's pretty much an in-vain effort if you are turned down even once. I had a hell of a good deal too on the place I was going to buy. Oh well, fuck it. Everything happens for a reason, right?
I could not help but notice, once again, that as soon as my mindset went back into "druggie" mode, everything just seemed to start going wrong again. Maybe I'm just being superstitious, but then again, maybe there's something to this shit. I'm more towards believing that there is. The same exact goddamn thing happened in FL.
I've also noticed that, just from that one day binge, my body is not responding the same. My vision is still kind of weird, I'm very tired, my mind is slow & I cannot work out as vigorously as I've been lately (trust me - I tried!). I think I actually started to like myself again before Sunday night. I think I like that feeling. I want more of it. But can I resist next time?

Porno is Great and Real Estate

2008-10-18T00:13:00.000-05:00

Okay, I'm pretty excited about next Friday - yea, that's the day! I've even started kind of looking around here though - not good, I know. It's going to be SO nice to have the place to myself. I have a feeling I'm going to go berserk, lol.
On the flip side, I'm doing really well physically. I did a full body strength workout followed by a non-stop 3 mile run. I actually ran further than that because I did not feel the need to stop, but I did not want to overdo it. I've only been training for 3 weeks. My legs are actually starting to look muscular. I've not had muscular legs since I was in martial arts almost 20 years ago - wow, that really makes me feel old.
In other news, I finally got my friggin' journal back. My dad mailed it back with some other stuff I left down there. Okay, I have to say that my dad is pretty damn cool. He actually put some of my DVD porn I left down there in the box, lol. That is seriously some good porn too - I thought I was going to have to buy that shit all over again.
I'm making an offer on a condo here in town. I'm a bit worried about buying something without having a job, but I will actually have enough money to keep me going for a couple years if need be (I'm selling property in FL). I'm not rich by any means. This is really all I have, so it's kinda scary, but the deal I would be getting on this place is too good to pass up. I'm definitely getting a hell of a lot more bang for my buck than I would in Chicago (or just about anywhere else).

The Drifter-Taming Dilemma

2008-10-15T01:40:00.000-05:00

So, it actually looks like a have a real chance at getting back on my feet. I checked out a condo here yesterday and I think it would be stupid not to buy. Then all I would need is a job! Well, that last sentence was only half sarcastic because I also talked to a person a couple days ago from a company which I sent my resume to. I have to take an entry test to get in. I've been unemployed for so long that I'm nervous about it. I have to study my ass off if I'm going to take the test, which is this Thursday. I probably can reschedule for a later test in another couple of weeks. Maybe I should since I plan on partying at the end of the month. Speaking of which...
The thought has crossed my mind on more than one occasion to cancel my little party, but it's unlikely that will happen, lol. I'm already feeling guilty for planning it & I'm worried that this may be what "taints" my new promising situation. I'm telling myself that it won't. I've told myself that before. Fuck. I'm seeing real hope now for the first time in years. Would I really fuck this up again after what I've been through? I sure as hell hope not. I really am sick of being a fucked up person. I would love to find a good female to settle down with. I've said that before too, lol. Oh well, we shall see, right?

Making Friends with an Archnemesis

2008-10-10T01:31:00.000-05:00

I'm definitely in the most promising situation I have been in in a looooooooooooong time. Even though I have not found work yet, I'm feeling pretty good overall. I'm finally back up to the point where I can run 2 miles without walking some of it. I've done 4 miles recently, but I had to walk some of it. I'll get there. Baby steps.
This week has been the first in which I've gone to school in order to prepare myself for my math entry test. It's a bitch. I have an extreme case of math anxiety. The first time I went there with my aunt to check it out (the math tutorial system) my hands were literally shaking. There's a reason behind this. In recent years, I've come to see math as my arch enemy in life. I can honestly say that my lack of understanding of the subject has literally ruined my life, and has contributed to my addiction without a doubt. It has forced me to give up 2 different majors in college. With my first major, you DID need math for the actual job in the real world. But my second attempt at college was majoring in psychology. Give me one good reason why a clinical psychologist needs to be good at college-level math. It's fucking BULLSHIT that it is a requirement to get a psychology degree. Total fucking BULLSHIT!!! What's even more frustrating is that I know I would make a pretty kickass psychologist. But hey, I suck at advanced math...so much for that idea. Okay, I think you should have an idea about my feelings towards math, lol.
Anyway, my point is that I'm giving it my all (again), but this time I'm going to do my best to keep a positive attitude towards it. I can honestly say that I have had many instances where I've actually liked math. It's like a puzzle. Puzzles can be fun. I've just got to chill. Yup, gonna chill *takes long deep breaths*.
I'm still thinking about the end of the month. I've got 3 people that I can party with, but I need to pick only one...maybe two...no, I can't be greedy...one...maybe two *ugh!*.

Marathon Man

2008-10-05T22:55:00.000-05:00

I've been completely clean for 9 days now & I do feel pretty good by comparison overall. There has been so little to do here in my new town, so I've made sure to keep myself occupied with things I will benefit from in the long run. I've discovered that my aunt has a bunch of exercise equipment in the basement here including a Bowflex (which I must admit, I was skeptic at first but I'm now a fan), treadmill, and bicycle. I've kicked my workout routine into high gear & I decided to start training for the 2009 IL Marathon. I don't know if I'm going to do the full marathon because to me it's kind of like breaking your own leg for a medal, but I have people around me that are telling me it's really not that bad. Either way, I'm doing at LEAST the half-marathon. 13.1 miles sounds reasonable to me rather than 26.2 at this point. I have more than enough time to train this time (I tried training for the Chicago Marathon a few years back, but started too late). Anyway, I'm glad to report that so far I'm doing great!
Today was the first day that I've actually gone out on my own to do my own thing (no, not coke). I actually found a pretty cool cafe downtown & hung out there for hours doing some studying up on my skills for jobs I'm applying for in the area and drinking iced chi. I was surprised at how much I actually remember even though I've not really worked in that capacity in over a year. Nonetheless, I don't want to look like a retard when I take the routine entry tests. And, speaking of tests, I got my "gonumber1" kit today, so they can drug test me all they want.
Yes, I still DO plan to see and party with CE at the end of the month. Hey, I never said I was going "cold turkey"!

Die, insomnia, die!

2008-10-01T09:03:00.000-05:00

I got here to my aunt's on Saturday night. I partied for the "last" time on Friday with MU. NS was already calling me as I was driving down. So, I've been clean for 4 days so far. Before I left, I ordered my favourite drug-test-buster, the "Number One" for urine tests. I've used them 3 times already, and they are flawless. I'll even give them a plug: http://www.gonumber1.com
I still don't know for sure that I'm going to apply for a job yet because I'm still finding out information about Australia. If I end up going, I'm going to make it as soon as possible. I have to get out of this limbo state - I can't stand it.
I'm not going to lie - I have been thinking about coke every day since I've been here. I can't sleep worth shit, which makes it even worse somehow. It's very easy to get bored down here & I'm feeling the effects. Boredom, as any drug addict trying to quit knows, is not good for staying clean. That's another reason this limbo shit is driving me nuts.
My behaviour is definitely revealing the part of me that does not want to quit. I'm already making plans to see a friend (who is struggling to quit too) at the end of the month. She lives 5 hours away from Chicago, so now she's only like 2 hours away. We'll call her "CE". She's a pretty cool stoner chic that I met on line a few years ago. In my head I'm thinking "I just need to cut down a lot on my skiing and not necessarily quit altogether". It will definitely be much harder to use while I'm here. My family has got a close eye on me, now that the word has gotten out.
I'm going to try and get back to sleep. Wish me luck.

Manic Panic

2008-09-26T07:27:00.000-05:00

I thought I would be leaving on Sunday, but as it turns out it's going to happen tomorrow (Saturday). My aunt called me up last night to inform me that she and her husband need to come up for a meeting in the suburbs and that this had literally just developed. She said that I might as well go back down with them instead of borrowing a car, having to drive it back, then take the train down again (I need a car for all my stuff & my dog). Shit! Tonight is the last night MU & I are supposed to party. I don't want to feel & look like shit when they get here. This sucks. I'm hoping that it will be one of those where I barely feel it the next day. Fuck.
I'm unusually sad about leaving MU here. I'm actually feeling worse about it than when I left for FL. I guess part of it is because I'm not furious at her this time. But the other reason I think is because I believe that she may have thought that I was coming back to stay here. I feel extra bad because I'm taking the dog (he's like our kid - dog owners know what I'm talking about). I'm debating weather I should leave him here at least for now. He's probably the only thing that has been stable in my life for the past few years, so I it makes it worse for me if I leave him. Perhaps the deciding factor will be the amount of room left in the car.
I'm still looking into Australia too. I already have my 2-3 year stay in S. IL planned out including a job, school, fitness & social activities. However, I think that if I can find a way to escape to the Land Down Under sooner, I will jump at the opportunity. As everyone who is conscious here knows, things are going from fucked to WAY fucked here in the former U.S.A. and I really don't feel like being here for when it turns into WWII Germany. These fuckhead globalists have taken over so many countries around the world, and they have been doing it by first destroying those country's economies (sound familiar?). Okay, I'm not going to get myself going on this shit because I'd be writing a fucking novel and putting myself into a suicidal depression! But I will say that the similarities between how the Nazis took over Germany and how they are going about taking over my country today are too familiar to anyone who knows their history. God help us.

Believe me you - I KNOW that ignorance is bliss!

2008-09-22T17:48:00.000-05:00

This weekend was another binge. Friday with MU and Saturday with NS. Even though I knew that it would be better to wait a day in between, I decided to go two day in a row anyway. I did not even really have a good time on the second night, which was what I was afraid of. And trust me, I tried! It was actually more of a situation where my body was just too tired to keep up with my high-ass brain. I guess I figured that this would be the last weekend I'd be doing anything for a while. Of course, you never know.
Last night was kind of weird. I was bored, so I decided to smoke some herb & surf YouTube. I watched a couple news segments from when real journalism was still in existence. They dealt with murders that were covered up as suicides. It set me back into my truth-seeking mindset. I was reminded again about how this world is run & how we're constantly fed all these bullshit lies about what's really going on. Now I'm depressed again & I'm trying to get back into my "ignorant state". Yes, I purposely make myself ignorant because I'm so sick of being depressed. If we dig too deep, we find that what we are being told is a bunch of bullshit. I tend to dig deep because I was taught never to trust authority. I hate to be among the ignoramuses, but I've learned that it's the only way to keep what's left of my sanity. I'm not sure what's worse: being truly ignorant, or purposefully being ignorant!

Talking about coffee, blogs & dogs...no big whoop.

2008-09-18T14:15:00.000-05:00

It took some procrastinating, but I made the call to my aunt yesterday. She was happy to hear from me & there was no problem at all. I told her that I've decided to move down there for now, as she had offered. This is a good move & I'm going to make sure it's for the better. I can at least take some of the math classes I need for school and get them out of the way while I'm waiting to get into the clinical program. I'm still not 100% sure that I will stay there for school though. I've actually been thinking a lot about Australia - yes, Australia. I've been wanting to go there forever, and maybe this is a good time. It all depends on how long I'm going to have to wait to go to school full-time. I may try and go to school and/or work over there for a few years. I know that I may not want to come back.
Anyway, I'm going to have to stay here for at least another week because my mom is bringing me some more of my stuff on Wednesday. It's going to be a huge change and I'm nervous, but I'm sick of living my life in fear & I'm making a conscious effort to face any fear that gets in the way of my progress. And, if it knocks me down, I'm going to get right back up again and back in it's face until I defeat it.
MU will be upset. I feel bad because she's going to be left alone again, but she decided to stay here on her own and renew the lease. I'm taking my canine buddy with me. He's always so happy down there because he has two other dog buddies to hang out with and they all get along great. If there's one thing I've done right in my life, it's adopting that dog. He's seriously the best friend ever!
Boy, I love drinking coffee while writing in my blog! There, now my title fits perfectly.

Blue Blah Blue Blah

2008-09-15T23:37:00.000-05:00

Not much really exciting to report today. I had another weak moment earlier. NS told me that we might be able to hook up today or tomorrow, so I called him around 4:30. He said he had to work in the morning, so he couldn't party. I was relieved and frustrated at the same time. I did hesitate for a few minutes before dialing, but the crave got the best of me.
I seriously thought that I would be out of here by now. Actually, I thought I would be strongly urged to go to S. IL by my aunt, but she still has not called. I know she's not stupid and she knows what's going on. I should be able to do this on my own though, but I guess I'm too comfortable, as weird as that sounds.
I've been trying to take Melody's advice (thanks :D) and divert my thoughts to something else. It DOES feel good to take a break from my high revving brain once in a while. I started to watch "Cocoon", but got too annoyed with the overdose of 80's cheese. We popped in "Mosquito Coast" instead. That one was decent and tolerable. After the movie, I planned to work out, but instead I'm eating pizza and writing on here. I'm still going to work out - I swear! I HAVE to - I've been way too lazy about that shit.

Viral Spiral

2008-09-14T22:23:00.000-05:00

It didn't take much for me to convince myself it was a good idea to go out and get fucked up again. I had no plans to do anything last night, but NS called and offered. I didn't hesitate. The stuff he had was pretty good. It's very rare that I can't walk straight due to a coke high, but last night, that was the case. Still, no sinus pain or severe headache afterward. I wish I could say the same about guilt though.
I still have not called my aunt. I'm surprised she has not tried to call me. My mom was supposed to come up and bring me some of my belongings on Tuesday, but that is probably not going to happen until next week now due to weather & overbooked flights. I know that the longer I stay here, the more I'm just going to keep on doing the same shit.
I've been thinking a lot lately about the latent effects of all of this shit & it scares me. I want to keep my health. That's the one thing that I've always had & before I got into the druggie lifestyle, my health was above average. I want to get back to that level again.
Feelings of hopelessness are creeping back into my head. I have to fight them hard because they do not help things one bit.

How many times can I move in one year?

2008-09-13T17:06:00.000-05:00

This is supposed to be the last weekend I spend here, but I'm guessing it may not be. My aunt is probably pissed at me that I have not called her since I was down there. I haven't done so because I'm very apprehensive about moving in there. First, I've had it in my head that wherever I go, I end up fucking things up for everyone around me, and I don't want to do that to them as well. I was doing a lot of thinking about that theory earlier, and I've decided that it is not true. I've decided that I'm just a VARIABLE that when added to an equation, inevitably changes things. Sometimes those changes are painful, but I think that for the most part, they are for the better. The most recent (when I stayed with my mom and Asshole) sucked royal, but I think that I went into an already fucked up situation, and I was the variable that was needed for the mistake to be realized. Also, I need to realize that I've stayed in places where the people were happy to have me there and it actually improved things immediately (as with my dad). The second reason I'm worried about moving down with my aunt is just plain boredom. Even though I don't even go out very much, I know that at least here I can walk out the door and walk somewhere and just see interesting stuff. Down there is a much smaller town (although it IS a college town). The area they live in is not within walking distance of the more lively areas. Still, I know these are just excuses. I WILL have access to a car, and there's other ways to get around too. I know it's best to go. It's just kinda hard to leave now. I truly DO dread having to move yet AGAIN.
Last night was party night for MU and I, of course. The shit she got turned out to be very weak, which was a big disappointment for both of us. Still, we made the best of it, but went through it pretty fast.
It's been raining all morning and day here & has not stopped. It's a good night to just stay in and watch movies and goof around on the web.

The Great Escape - Part II

2008-09-11T00:52:00.000-05:00

It's very true that tragedy brings people closer together. It has been very apparent in my situation here, and is especially true of family, of course. Although my dad claims that he only read a couple pages of my journal, I have my suspicions. Shit, if I had someones intimate details and I had already read some, I'd more than likely read more myself! Anyway, he commented tonight about how it's amazing how similar we are. It's very true. I still sense a great deal of sadness and worry in his voice. I hate to hear him like that. I'm not surprised that he's not angry though. Of all people, I know he understands my situation (which is probably why he's so worried).
On the other hand, I AM surprised that The Mom is not angry. Maybe she's just hiding it - I don't know. Either way, she has been very supportive as well.
I know my brother is very concerned too. He actually went through rehab, so he knows firsthand. I know he means well, but I did get kind of annoyed when he kept telling me what hard drugs to do you. I already know that stuff. I know he's just trying to help though.
I spent last week downstate at my aunt's place. I decided that it would be a good idea for my cousin and I to take a trip. Her husband has filed for divorce, but they are still living together, so getting away was good. It took a lot of mental battling, but I actually resisted the temptation to cancel the trip. MU was out of town, so I had the place to myself AND I was offered a lot of free coke that weekend. At least I know I'm not COMPLETELY controlled by my addiction. I did, however, do it when I got back.
Being here, as predicted, has got me back on the "twice-a-week minimum" program. Not good. I know I need to get out of here and find something to take up my time. I've got idle hands. You know how that shit goes.
I actually only planned to stay here for a few days, but between the hurricanes and the addiction, I've been pretty much "trapped" here again. I only brought enough clothes for 4 days, and I have nothing meant for cool weather, which we are starting to have now. Good thing I brought all my winter shit to Florida!
Anyway, while I was down at my aunt's, she was very persistent about trying to convince me to move down there and go to school. She said I could stay there and live rent free and not even have to pay for food if I just wanted to go to school full-time and not work. Something tells me that my dad had a talk with her! I do think that is a good idea &, like she kept saying - a chance like this is not going to come my way again. She's right.
I've pretty much made the decision to do it, but I have to admit I'm scared as shit. It's been so long since I've been in school, and I AM still concerned that my demons will follow and continue to torment me. In fact, I'm sure of that. I just need to be stronger and focus my energy on other things.

Back on the web at last...for now

2008-09-09T21:53:00.000-05:00

Yes, with a whopping TWO whole Internet services to choose from, we've gone with slightly less incompetent Comcast. AT&T wins the all-time incompetence award. Their customer service is simply non-existent. Ok, I know - what else is new?

Well, the reaction from my family has been one more of sadness and worry rather than anger. That's a good thing. I'm actually really tired right now, so I'm going to elaborate later. I just wanted to let people know I'm still alive and not in rehab.

Fucked to the power of infinity

2008-08-23T20:10:00.000-05:00

So, where the fuck have I been this past week? Well, AT&T (BUNCH OF FUCKING INCOMPETENT ASSHOLES!!!) decided to cut off MU's Internet service even though she made the payment. So, I'm at the Internet cafe now. She called them and bitched up a storm to the point where they told her to find another service. So, if I'm not here for a while - you know why. But that's not the only reason I may not be here...

As I've been staying here, I've been skiing about twice a week. Last night I did not really even want to, but MU had already gotten the shit and she wanted to. I inhaled that shit like there was no tomorrow & we were done with all 3 bags within 3 hours. It was barely fun. The whole night, I had a feeling that something was wrong & I was right (although I'm sure guilt had something to do with it too, but this was stronger than the usual guilt feeling). Just as we had started I saw that my phone was ringing & it was my dad. I figured I would just talk to him in the morning and shut my phone off to concentrate on partying.

I called my dad back at around 11 or so this morning and he sounded weird from the get-go. After a few minutes, I finally found out what had happened. The whole time I've been up here, I've been regretting not bringing my paper journal (which is even more personal than this one). Instead, I locked it up in a chest at my mom's place along with my old journals that go back to 1995. Well, apparently I did NOT grab my latest journal (which goes back to 2002) and left it right on the fucking bed at my dad's! Yea, FUCK ME! He claims to only have read a couple pages, but he read the right ones if that's the case. He's fully aware that I'm doing fucking coke and with who, etc. I'm 1200 miles away from my personal journal and anyone can read it now and there ain't SHIT I can do about it. FUCK! The next day, of course, he was going to meet with my mom for some business matter & they discussed it. She is coming into town on Monday. My mom is one of those super anti-drug people and she's going to shit. I have no idea what the fuck is going to happen. For all I know, she's going to get my entire family up here to confront me like on one of those fucking sitcoms or something. She might do her damnedest to have me check into a rehab. Maybe that's good. I don't know. Maybe that's what I need. Last night, I was sure I was going to be able to handle the problem finally by replacing my bad habits with good ones, but I've told myself that before and been wrong. In a strange way, I'm kind of glad that it's out in the open now. I just don't want this shit to go overboard.

My dad was not angry, but very worried. I know my mom will be the same, but probably with a bit more anger. He was also telling me that he really wanted me to stay down in FL, but to do what makes me happy. He's also pretty sure he is going to lose his house and his wife is going to lose her job if she misses one day or is late only once from now until February. They did an assessment on the house, and literally doubled his taxes. This is fucked. I had an actual plan yesterday before all of this shit hit the fan & I was quite satisfied with it. I was going to get my own place away from MU, get my old job back (I already talked to people from there and they said it was likely), and get involved with some health-related groups (health club, yoga, Kung-Fu, etc.). Now that this has happened, I'm not sure I will be able to even get my own place because my mom was going to help me out with that.

I'm trying to tell myself that all of this is happening for a good reason, and it probably is. I DO know that even if my little plan works out like I described, I still would not be happy eventually, unless I "moved up" job-wise, which likely would involve me getting a degree of some sort. What might happen now is that I might end up moving to Southern IL with my aunt and going to school. That would be the most logical thing. It's POSSIBLE that I might return to FL, but I'm going to fight that very strongly. I DO feel bad for my dad, and that may be the only thing that would bring me back.

Anyway, so that's my life right now. I have no fucking idea what the fuck is going to happen. I guess I will have a better idea on Monday. I'm going to try and get online to write as much as I can, but I don't know how much that is going to be. Writing in here actually helps me feel better and you all reading this who have left feedback are much appreciated. It DOES help. I'd better check my e-mail before my minutes run out. Peace.

Fluoxetine, you are my heroine

2008-08-14T23:39:00.000-05:00

My happy pills seem to be stabilizing somewhat. I've been able to think more positively today, which has put me on a better frequency. I've had more energy and only a couple of "dips" during the day. I ran a couple of miles earlier, which felt really good. I feel like I'm finally going to get back into good shape like I was before I became a total druggie. I even ran into a former co-worker while I was walking my dog. She was very surprised to see me, as I was to see her. We talked for a while & apparently I had a pretty strong impression on my old partner (whom she's pretty tight with) because she still talks about me a lot, lol. I feel kind of bad because I always would get kind of annoyed with her, but she was nice enough. Anyway, she told me that a lot of the people that were there before are no longer there and that they are desperate for people that do my job. She was pretty sure that I would get the job again if I applied. Honestly, I would love to be back there. And I'm sorry this sounds so vague, but I have to keep it this way for privacy purposes.

I still think back to that night that changed everything. Because of someone else who decided to get shitface drunk then drive into me, I had to take a drug test. So, instead of pissing hot, I walked out. I did it because if you piss hot, the whole industry will know about it. It was better to just walk away. The problem is...ummmm...this happened once before too. They already took me back once. But, knowing them, they would probably take me back again. I'm sure they have dealt with much worse! I was always on time & did my job well. I was just a big pot-head at the time. But I never came to work stoned or lit up on the job either. That's what pisses me off about those fucking drug tests. What do they care what I do during my time off? Anyway, I'm trying to find out if a certain person is still there. If she is not, then I'm pretty sure I'll get in. That would be SO fucking cool!

Oh, and we're all set for tomorrow's festivities.

Oh, shit! I almost forgot. I got a phone call from ML (my ex-fling from Florida) earlier. I did not answer, but she left a voicemail. The voicemail said that she was pregnant, but not to worry about it because she's going to "take care of it". Honestly, I think she's bullshitting. We DID have sex a couple of times unprotected (she had to twist my arm because I'm the Condom King), but she also told me that she cannot get pregnant because of her surgery. I'm not too worried about it, but I was just shocked when I got the message!

Nice, nice. Flotation device.

2008-08-13T21:31:00.000-05:00

Man, these psychotropic drugs can do some weird shit sometimes. So, I kept on being depressed for hours after I posted my last entry & all of the sudden, I felt like I could work out. I went to my weight bench, and vaboom! I had a pretty damn good workout! I'm feeling better now - definitely more confident and focused. I have a clearer picture of how to work this whole thing out & I don't feel completely trapped right now, which is a HUGE relief. I've been wanting, but procrastinating, to talk to MU about possibly trying to work things out. I know she wants to & I know she would be ecstatic. When I left here, she said and did some really bad things that hurt a lot, but I have to take part of the blame for driving her to that. I tend to drive people around me crazy. Another of my wonderful talents! Anyway, she's one of those rare people that you may or may not ever meet who just thinks the sun shines out of your ass (stealing a line from Juno) no matter what you do. She seriously thinks the world of me (for whatever reason).

Caught in the undertow

2008-08-13T19:10:00.000-05:00

Okay, so usually when I take Prozac, my mood improves. It seemed like it was starting to help yesterday until I got up this morning. I had a hard time sleeping & didn't get to bed until around 3am, then got woken up again at 5am by an ambulance - THEN, again by construction in my building which started around 8 or so. Anyway, when I got up, I was feeling pretty damn depressed again & even had those "bad" thoughts popping in again. I don't want to say "suicidal" thoughts because technically they weren't. I was like I would think "okay, well what the hell am I going to do even if I do go back down to FL and get my shit? That's IF I make it back.". I've become extremely asocial & that is not a good mode to be in when looking for work. Today, I have not even looked. I've tried to work out, but decided to eat ice cream and write in my blog instead. Maybe I'll try later. I feel so goddamn inadequate right now. I feel like I have not got shit to give and I'm living off of other people. It might seem like a joy-ride at first glance, but nothing could be further from the truth. I was independent. I was on a road to greater goals and prosperity until I fucking fell & decided to "take a break for a while". It's like I saw myself finally getting somewhere & then I just sabotaged the whole fucking thing. Perhaps it's just another form of my self-destructive tendencies. I'm so sick of it. I want out NOW. At this point though, it seems impossible to get out. I've burned too many bridges & replaced good habits with bad ones. I know there IS a way out, but I can't see shit right now. This sucks giant chupacabra ass.

Drug Tales

2008-08-12T13:14:00.000-05:00

On Monday, as MU was leaving for her babysitting job, she asked me if I was going to see NS & I told her "no". In fact, the thought had not even occurred to me until she mentioned it. So, of course, I called him and he was at work and did not get back until Tuesday night. Well, even though I was depressed that I had even called him & was feeling like shit the whole day, I called & we hooked up. He had gotten 2 bags (these are bigger than the ones we usually get from TM). We did both of them in about 2.5 hours. I think one reason it went so fast was because it was weak shit (the guy he gets it from has told him before "if you don't like it, you don't have to buy it"). I was actually kinda glad that it turned out that way because had it been good shit, I would have been feeling extremely shitty afterwards, which I really didn't. So, overall the night was okay & I was kinda glad that my stupid plan was semi-foiled.

I also FINALLY went back on my anti-depression med (Prozac) on Sunday night. I felt it really start to kick in yesterday. I tried going off of it a few times during my 15 years or so of taking it, and have always been relieved to go back on. I know I have actually made a shitload of progress in fighting off depression since then & I guess I always want to see if maybe I can do it without the drug. Hopefully I can get back on track now. I feel slightly more focused & I don't have the suicidal thoughts popping in periodically, so that's good. Ah, drugs - what would we do without them!

History Repeating Itself

2008-08-09T21:23:00.000-05:00

Last night was a complete roller coaster. I dropped off MU to her babysitting job through solid traffic and back, then my phone rang as I was on my final stretch. It was "the man", who I'll just start calling "TM" from now on. He was taking the train back from a baseball game and asked if I could pick him up from the station, then we could go get the shit. So, I turned around and went to meet him. Luckily it was not far from where I was. He was pretty drunk when I picked him up & said that we needed to wait for a call from his higher-up, so we drove back to the apartment to wait. He pulled out some bumps for us to do as we drove, which was cool. TM also runs a recording studio, and an open mic, which he's always bugged me to go to, but I never had. I've never done it mainly because of two reasons. First, I've always collaborated with other people, so I would be playing only a part of a complete song. The second reason is that it's always on a Friday, which has usually been when we've picked up our shit, which means that MU and I (especially my impatient ass) anxiously await to party and fuck the shit out of each other after we get it. So, I was playing him some stuff on the guitar & he was saying that I should definitely start working with him on a collaboration. He said I was a total asshole for never showing up at his open mics. I know. I totally am, lol.

So, we got the call and went to do the pick-up, then off to drop him off at his place. He wanted me to come in to do the exchange and show me his latest work. So, we went in. I noticed the studio looked a lot nicer than the last time I was there. This is the first time he played me any of HIS stuff. The first song was actually pretty good, but everything after that was just not really what I would like to work with. The hooks were very weak and the arrangement was bland. I was kinda hoping that I would be able to just record an album there and pay him for the studio time (which he has offered before), but now I think that he will want to work together. Fuck!

After that, I decided to go with him to check out the bar where he hosts the open mic. I wanted to hang with him for a while so that he would not be TOO pissed when I did not show up that night, lol. So I went there and the setup was okay. He introduced me to a few people, but my anxiety level was steadily rising. I stayed there for a short time, then I finally left. Now, we had been doing bumps ever since I picked him up, so I already had a decent buzz going.

I drove back home already knowing what would happen, even though I promised MU that it would not. The first thing I did when I got in was open one of the packages. I was only going to so a couple lines (which is always what I tell myself). Needless to say, that's not where it stopped. Luckily, I was able to half-way control it and only almost finish one package (we got 4). When she came home, I did not even tell her because I did not want to ruin things for our party. We started almost immediately. The sex was awesome & we were both really into it. It was great up until the very end when I had to tell her that there was no more. I was SO pissed at myself. Surprisingly, she was only slightly upset, but more worried about me. She actually held me on the couch while I stared off into the distance thinking about how much I fucking hate myself. I'm worried that this shit is just going to start all over again. I know that as long as I don't find work, and have nothing to do, the likelihood is very high. MU was crying earlier because she is so worried about me. Fuck.

Depress Mode

2008-08-07T22:21:00.000-05:00

The shit finally got to us last night around 8pm. MU had to drive over there to pick it up, and came back with a single bag, which supposedly was 3 in 1. It did not look like that to me, but whatever - I was fiending bad & I knew that was enough. I will say that it was more pure than usual, but that did not stop me from making huge-ass lines, as usual. We partied for about 4 hours and had some great power exchange sex. What's really cool is that "the man" felt so bad for having MU wait so long, that he's going to hook us up this weekend with 3 more at the price of just the one he owes us. Bonus!

Other than that, my life has still been pretty depressing. I still have not found a job, although I've been looking half-heartedly. It's kind of discouraging when you know that the government is going to take about 40% of your fucking paycheck (I get an extra 10% garnished for unpaid school loans). But I HAVE been looking. I noticed that my old job (which I vowed never to return to because they treat their employees like shit) is hiring. It has been very humiliating that I'm actually considering going back. At least I would be able to work as a professional again & not some entry-level bullshit job. I've also considered nannying...or becoming a "manny" as they call it. The pay would be unmatched even if I worked at my ex-employer's - mainly because it would be cash. But doing that shit, especially as a guy in his 30's is just not something I would be comfortable with. Either way, I'm gonna have to swallow my fucking pride in some way.

I talked to my dad earlier & told him, again, that I plan on moving back to Chicago. He told me again that he really does not want me to come back & that he really needed me there. I feel so bad about this. I know my mom feels the same way, but she knows how much I dislike living in FL, so she understands. Why is life so friggin complicated? I know I have to do what's best for me right now, even though it's selfish. I've been battling severe clinical depression since I was a teenager & I swear that lately, it feels like all my efforts have been in vain. I've actually had suicidal thoughts pop into my head. Not cool. MU suggested that I go back on Prozac. I think she's probably right.

Divine BULLSHIT!!!

2008-08-06T15:06:00.001-05:00

Yea, so last night did not even happen. Apparently there's been some of the biggest busts ever in Chicago and us cokeheads are feeling the impact. Actually, what happened last night apparently, was that he WAS offered some to sell, but "the man" tasted it and refused because it was "weak shit". At least we know that he's lookin' out for the quality. Luckily, we all know that these things are only temporary. So, here I am again waiting to hear from "the man" to see if we get to party tonight. This wait is fucking agonizing & I gotta make sure there is something else to distract me in case it does not happen again. Yesterday, I actually picked up my old hollowbody guitar (which is old and slightly out of tune due to age-related defects) and played a lot, which felt good.
My aunt called me yesterday too and said that she know a guy who manages a pretty popular band who is in need of a guitarist. I called him, but unfortunately they are looking for a "flaminco" style guitarist, which I'm just not. My heart is with rock 'n' roll (and some jazz - you just can't beat jazz as far as musicianship).

Divine Intervention?

2008-08-05T15:21:00.000-05:00

So I was supposed to pick up a hearty supply of blow last night so we could party today (MU just got back from Denver). I gave the "man" the cash, and he said he would be back shortly. About an hour later, all hell broke loose. I swear, even in Florida, I have not seen the sky look so threatening! Sure enough, there was a friggin tornado watch for the exact area I'm staying in. I heard the alarms go off & shut the storm windows. At first, I really thought that it might have been possible that a hurricane had somehow made it to Chicago, lol. Strangely, my dog was very calm. Anyway, finally he gives me a call and tells me that he has not been able to even reach the main dude. Fucking great. I had it all planned out too. I was going to pick her up from the airport, then just go apeshit on her. Instead, here I am writing in my stupid blog again. We still have not heard a word. This sucks.

My Other Addiction

2008-08-03T18:39:00.000-05:00

I'm back in Chicago, and I plan to stay! I got here about a week ago. I was SO glad to get the hell out of Florida, and even more glad that I was returning to my beloved hometown. Yes, my other addiciton is Chicago. And, yes, the cocaine - I'm getting to that...
The original plan was for me to stay with my friend, RM, but she just had two kids and it just did not make sense for me to stay there while trying to look for work (she also lives in the burbs). So, I came to stay with my ex (MU), who I have to admit, I've missed. My dog is also here, so I'm very happy to be able to see him. And, of course, MU likes to party and have intense nasty sex! She apparently got the stuff the weekend before I came here. I noticed she was being very vague about how much she had (she said she was going to try and get 3 packages). When playtime came, there was only one. She told me that she had been able to only get 2, and that she just put them both in one bag. I commented that it did not look like it amounted to 2, but was cool with it. The sex was amazing, as usual. Afterwards, she admitted to me that she had done some already, and that she was scared of becoming addicted. STOP! Wait a minute...
She said that she had been doing it every Friday, and she looked forward to her fridays now because she could escape for a while. I commented that "once a week" was what WE used to do, and she never had a problem with it. I felt like some sort of manipulation was in progress. I asked her if she did it alone, & she said "yes" and that "thats what porn is for". The last quote is exactly what I said when I did all that coke she sent down when she came to visit in FL. I asked her straight out "Are you being honest, or is this some sort of manipulation thing?". She said she was really scared of the addiction, and brought up the fact that she looked forward to Fridays again. I still smell a rat, but I don't know. I know that she wants me back more than anything, and I don't think she knows that I've been considering getting back with her very seriously. I really think that if we could keep it down to doing it just once a week, we will be fine. The problem before was that I was doing that in addition to partying with NS once, and sometimes twice a week. That's when things got really bad.
When I came up here, I really thought I would be able to just ignore NS, and not even let him know I was here. Well, MU went out of town for the week, leaving me here alone. I smoked some weed, and my inhibitions disappeared, so I called him. Needless to say, we partied on Friday. I WAS actually surprised that I actually called him. I really felt that I was through with that. Another former party person called me as well. He's been sending me texts to come party with him, but so far I've resisted. I really don't want to fall back into that fucking trap again & I'm scared. I worked out today for the first time in a long time, and it feels so good to do that again. I want THAT to be my habit that I do several times a week - not coke.
She is coming back on Tuesday. Apparently she has stuff already lined up for us to party. I can't wait! Damn, why is that shit so good???

Super-Foque

2008-07-21T17:03:00.000-05:00

In case anyone is wondering where the fuck I've been. I got into a fight with my mom's fuckhead boyfriend. I'm living at my dad's now with extremely limited internet access. Who knows when I'll be back on my feet. I'm tryin' .

A Salty Discharge

2008-07-02T23:10:00.000-05:00

Not too long ago, I asked a friend if it was normal for a guy to not be able to cry. She said it was. I seriously have not cried in about a decade (and that was due to a bad trip on mushrooms!). Well, today I was wasting time on YouTube, when I ran across a video one of my old favorite songs that I have not heard in ages. It was "Do You Realize" by The Flaming Lips. Low and behold, towards the last third of the song, I began to feel a salty discharge (as Seinfeld would say) coming from my eyes! OMFG, I can still do it! I don't give a shit what anyone thinks (especially in our Western bullshit society), but it felt good! I personally DON'T think it's normal to be unable to cry. It reminded me that I'm human - a LIVING human! It also made me remember just how powerful a song can really be. It made me want to write again - something I have not felt like doing because of my situation here.

After my last crash, I lay in bed unable to sleep, then remembered what this guy, John, was saying at my last NA meeting. He said that he had done something very unusual for him. He finally decided to ask for help from a higher power. Well, shit - I did the same damn thing. Lord knows I've tried to do this on my own and have failed miserably. I got out of bed in the dark and dropped to my knees and prayed intensely! And, I have to admit that things have been going better since. Don't worry, I'm not about to get all religious wacko on everyone (seen that shit & don't like it at all)! However, I have always been a spiritual person, although unsatisfied with organized religion. I do strongly believe that there IS a higher power, and I know that it helps you when you open up to it. My life experience has done enough to prove that to my skeptic ass! Man, life is strange!!!

5 Days of Being Clean

2008-06-30T12:08:00.000-05:00

Yup, 5 days - that's how long I made it. Mike called me and asked me to come by but said he did not have much blow. As I expected, I offered to volunteer my $100 bill I got for my b-day to get more. Even as I was getting ready to go out there, I knew how the night would end up. It was fun for a while, then in the end when the shit ran out, I was disappointed and felt depressed. It's no excuse, but there was another factor that pushed me. My mom's ass-wad boyfriend was supposed to go to his daughter's place last night, so I drove my happy ass home from ML's place thinking I would have the place to myself. Turns out the fucker decided to invite his daughter & obnoxious granddaughter here. I think he did it on purpose to piss me off. I thought about inviting my dad over to piss him off (and possibly scare the fuck out of him).

Da Coke Binge!

2008-06-25T16:37:00.000-05:00

So as expected, my trip to Chicago was pretty much a week-long cocaine binge. Shit, MU and I discussed partying on the way home from the airport, lol! So, I partied until my nose bled, then partied some more. The second night, I had the absolute worst crash I have ever had. It was way fucked up - I seriously just wanted to die. The next time I did it, my sinuses gave me hell to the extreme. I was in SO much fucking pain, it's not even funny. That was the day before I left (MU said she wanted to "play one more time before I leave". Of course, I said "yes". MU was not the only one I partied with. I saw "Idiot"(NS), and it was okay. The shit he had was not that great. You know the kind of stuff people say is the "mellow" coke? Yea, "mellow" means it SUCKS, I hate to break it to you. Coke is NOT supposed to make you mellow - that's what weed is for! Anyway, he's supposed to actually come down and visit me in a couple weeks. I'm telling myself right now that I don't even want to see him, but I'm guessing that will change once the time comes and I'm ready to party again. Fuck. I keep thinking that "this is the last time - that's IT, I'm going straight edge now". I wish I believed it.

Mr. Clean

2008-06-18T10:22:00.000-05:00

Yea, I've been clean for over a week now (due mostly to circumstance). Last Thursday I was supposed to hook up with M. I waited around and he kept telling me "soon". I waited in agony until 6:30am when I finally just fell asleep. The next night, he finally calls at around 4pm and tells me his phone dropped in a jug of beer. Whatever, so this would be the night instead. As soon as he was done with a birthday party, he would be ready ("great", I thought). Yea, so I went through the same bullshit until the calls just stopped (by the way, I was not like bugging him every 15 minutes or anything like that. It was more like every 2-3 hours). Again, I fell asleep around 6am. The funny thing is that I really did not even feel like going either of those nights. Thursday morning was the day I switched my multi-vitamins (I got some from the health store because I thought they would be better than my Centrums). Well, something in the new vitamins did not agree with me and I felt nauseous and extremely weak all day. It did not occur to me that it was the vitamins until Friday evening. Nonetheless, I still would have gone given the chance. He called me late the next day telling me that his new phone's battery died. Again - whatever. So, here I am - the cleanest I've been since before I started again, lol. I'm going to Chicago tomorrow for a week or so. My clean record will be dirtied by then for sure! I will admit that my mind seems more clear and focused. I've also been off of my anti-depression meds for longer than I've been in years. Fuckin' drugs!

Disgusted in thyself

2008-06-08T11:08:00.000-05:00

Friday night was one of those nights where I waited in agony to hear from my peeps in Pompano as to weather there was going to be a party. Finally, around 10pm I got the call. He was getting some shit. The guy was "on his way", which usually means that he won't be there for another couple to a few hours. So, I made a few stops on the way - including a stop at an ATM to take out the last $40 I could spend to give to them. As I pulled in, there was another car pulling out. Guess who it was? Yup, the Always Mega-late Guy. So, I ran up and saw that M was a bit disappointed. I soon saw why. There was nowhere NEAR an 8 in the bag he had. First, he got this one with a partial "IOU", and they always give him less when that's the case. Second, he had to borrow $40 from B to get it because I was not there in time (go fucking figure), so B took some. So we partied for maybe 2 hours and ran out. I was pissed about the whole situation, and pissed at myself because I could not even keep "playing" when the shit ran out. That's not cool. Oh well, at this point I'll do just about anything to stay away from my home situation. I'm moving in a couple of months - I cannot fucking wait.

Why is it so fucking good?

2008-06-01T06:57:00.000-05:00

We partied again tonight. This time, we brought my connection guy to the hotel and we double teamed her. I have to admit it was a lot of fun. The tail end of it was usual though. Everyone was exhausted and it was a lot of effort to keep things going. I feel like a cruel joke is being played on me. Even though I feel bad for doing it, I want more at this very moment. Why is something that feels so good so bad? I hate this. I really do.

Narcotics Anonymous

2008-05-31T12:27:00.000-05:00

I went to my first NA meeting on Thursday. It went really well and I felt pretty comfortable. There was no religious crap going on or anything like that. It was just a bunch of recovering addicts trying to help each other out. The general consensus is that it works. I'm definitely going back. This may actually be what I've been needing. They focus on personal issues, with the drug addiction being a SYMPTOM of them. I've got nothing to lose & in fact, I think I may make some friends there (something I need badly!). The stage is set for friendships because we are all there with a common problem and goal. I accepted a white key chain, which was a promise to myself not to use for that day. I DID make it though the rest of the day, BUT at 12:31am the next morning, I was using again, lol. My ex is in town, so we have been planning this "party" for some time now. It actually did not go anywhere near as well as planned - mainly because this is probably the worst time for her to have come visit. I was so fucking stressed out by my home situation that I had a very hard time keeping my mind off of it. My friend in Pompano said that he could get us more shit for tonight if we wanted. I'm not sure what to do. Well, I know what I SHOULD do, but I don't know what I WILL do. Baby steps, I guess.

Completely out of control

2008-05-28T20:44:00.000-05:00

I fucked up big time. My ex made the mistake of letting me hold on to the blow intended for this weekend. Well, guess what. Yea, ALL of it. It started with "I'm just going to do one good line, then leave the rest alone. Bullshit. After I got the highest high, I kept chasing it relentlessly until I finished all four fucking bags! I'm extremely pissed at myself right now & severely depressed. The good news is that I've found a way to replace the shit for the weekend. The bad news is that it's going to fuck me in the ass financially. My bank account will go into the negatives, and everyone knows what happens from there. So far, I don't see a way to stop it from happening. This is proof that I cannot do this on my own. After my binge, I called my friend, TL, who is an ex-addict. She strongly suggested that I go to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting. I'm going to take her advice. I can't keep doing this shit. It's killing me inside. I don't even feel like a likable person any more. I'm so disconnected from everyone and it seems like all I care about is getting fucked up. I don't want to be that kind of person. I hate myself right now, and that's no way to live. I know that the situation here at home is not helping, but it's still no excuse.