Yep, I'm smoking again

You know, the main motivation for me to stop smoking the 420 was my impending processing by the Fire Dept., and now that's all down the drain indefinitely due to our stupid ass mayor. 
I had a shift that was just total shit on top of a week that was total shit.  Finally, I just said "fuck it" and lit up a nice bowl.  It felt so damn good as I relaxed and unwinded.  Half-surprisingly, half-way though it, I actually missed the feeling of being sober.  I told myself I'd just do it that once...of course that did NOT happen.  I've been smoking maybe once a day, once I've completed everything I've had to do.  I don't think that's bad at all, except I AM taking a gamble and assuming that this hiring freeze is going to last a long time.  I really don't think I'm going to get to the point again where I was high all day.  I know what that does to my self-esteem, and I'm not about to go through that shit again.  I have noticed that, even smoking this amount, I'm more tired throughout the day.  I don't like that. 

A little smokey and my new girlfriend

Okay, so I broke down and decided to take a few puffy-puffs the last couple of days.  I've been so damn stressed out at work and with other shit, plus due to a stupid hiring freeze our new mayor has imposed, I know I'm not going to be testing any time soon now, so fuck it! 
I only did one hit each time, 3 times in 2 days.  I won't do any more today or for a long time.  You know, it's so fucking stupid that one is now allowed to smoke in your own free time.  As long as you're not high at work, who gives a rat's ass!  Ironically, it's about to become legal here in my state come January, but it still doesn't matter as far as employment.  I have an unusually stressful job with a lot of responsibility.  When I get home and I want to relax, I should have every damn right to smoke a bowl and chill the fuck out. 
I'm making a vow right now that I will NOT be picking up the habit again of smoking all the time.  No way.  It's not gonna happen.  I'm pretty sure I'll be fine if I'm tested a few months from now.  Hell, I've even been considering starting my own business again.  Then I can say fuck you to all those anti-weed fuckers. 
Another thing that was stressing me out was that a miscommunication between the girl I'm seeing had me thinking that she was not interested in an eventual LTR.  We talked last night, and I realized that this was incorrect.  She IS interested, and she apologized for her nervous reaction to when I told her that I was falling in love with her. 
I guess I've not written about her yet.  She is from India, and she is a trans-girl.  I've never dated a trans before, mainly because every one I've met before her has been completely bat-shit crazy and unstable.  Let's call her "India".  India is nothing like the other trans girls.  She is SO sweet, and nice, and level-headed.  And she really treats me very well, unlike most girlfriends of any gender I've ever had.  She is beautiful too, and the connection we have is very strong.  I think she is apprehensive about committing to a LTR because of my insistence on "ethical nonmonogamy".  My experience has led me to believe, quite strongly, that most people are NOT built for monogamy, and as a result, it creates SO many problems.  I know that for me, it's definitely not an option.  I'm way too sexual.  We'll see how this goes. 

Freedom at Last! Also, stuff about marijuana addiction.

Ooooh, where do I begin?  This has definitely been the longest break I've ever taken from writing here.  There are several reasons for this.  I guess the main reason is that for several years after my last post, I really didn't feel that coke addiction was something that was so intrusive into my life that it was a major cause of distress/problems.  I really wish I could tell all of you that I finally found the "magic bullet" that slayed my demon so that I could share it with everyone else that is still suffering.  But if I told you that, it would be a lie.  I can't really say that there was a particular incident that made me stop.  Things just kind of slowly fizzled out pretty much.  The people that I was regularly getting fucked up with (particularly Mr. X) moved to FL and has pretty much been MIA ever since (with the occasional text promising he will come visit, but it never happens).  After he moved, I still managed to find a couple of connections and was still having coke binges a couple of times a month.  At that point, I felt that it was relatively under control.  There were times where I did feel like it was a problem, but it was nothing like before where it was a constant cloud over my head. 
During the whole time where I had cut down on using coke, I still was smoking a lot of weed.  In fact, smoking pot increased to the point where IT now became a problem!  I know, I know, a lot of people claim that pot is not addictive and blah, blah, blah.  Listen, ANYTHING can be addicting whether it's food, sex, gambling, cigarettes, legal drugs - the list goes on forever.  It may not be a physical addiction, but there still exists the phenomenon of psychological addiction.  Marijuana is NOT some kind of magical substance that somehow gets excluded from this - period!  That being said, I STILL love smoking weed, okay?  Lol!  However, like I've always said, ANYTHING in excess is bad for you, and that is exactly what kept happening. 
For years, I would go to work, come home, then light up.  Every single day was exactly the same.  I was high pretty much any time that I was not at work or at the gym (or out in public doing something where I had to interact with people).  I was doing what was typical of many addicts, which was simply replacing one addiction with another.  Yes, the 420 was less destructive, but with the amount/frequency I was using, it was still affecting my life in a very negative way. 
When I smoke weed, my introversion gets magnified a hundredfold.  I get way too paranoid and my thinking is very unclear.  So, basically, I stay in and watch videos, listen to music, and watch a lot of porn.  As the years passed, I began getting more and more frustrated with my life being so stagnant, and I knew that this was affecting my self-esteem in a huge way.  I knew that this new addiction was holding me back, and I just didn't have the guts to quit.  I was terrified to let go of that crutch.  "What if I really AM inferior to everyone else and fall flat on my face? What am I going to do with all that time I will have gained?  Won't I just get extremely bored?".  These were questions I kept asking myself, but they were ultimately excuses.
As the years passed, and I watched my life just float aimlessly every day, I became more and more angry with myself.  I tried jolting myself out of it by booking trips out of state and out of the country, where I knew I wouldn't have a chance to smoke.  Those things worked very well while I was away, but as soon as I got back, it started right back up again.
I finally, and truly realized that running from my problems was just never ever going to work.  I had NO CHOICE but to stand my ground right here, and right now, and fight back with everything I had.  And, finally, that is what I did. 
I tried for several months to just stop on my own.  I would tell myself that "this will be the last time" and convinced myself (not really - subconsciously, I knew it was a lie) that I would simply abstain the next time I got home from work.  Finally, I decided to seek help from a psychologist.
It's funny how things work.  I believe things happen for a reason, and what I'm about to tell you is no exception:
I started looking at psychologists who specialized in addiction issues listed on my insurance plan, and found one a few miles away.  Being the researcher that I am, I did a bunch of searches on her name, and found some articles.  Apparently, she is the oldest person in IL to have ever graduated with a PhD in psychology.  When I saw this, I admit that I was sort of apprehensive, but then I felt guilty for discriminating, so I called.  When she answered, it was pretty much what I had expected.  She sounded like she was probably in her late 70's/early 80's, and did have some apparent forgetfulness.  I made the appointment anyway. 
I still had a few days before my appointment, and I stared to think "I know I don't want to judge her because of her age, but I really need the best care I can get.  Do I really want a therapist that has memory issues?".  I finally decided to call her and cancel, then look for another. 
When I called her, I did feel really bad, and told her that I had found another therapist that was a lot closer.  She said she understood, but before she hung up, she said something to me that I will never forget.  It wasn't profound or anything like that, but SOMETHING in me was touched deeply when she said it.  She said "I can help you with your problems, you know.".  That really stuck with me, and resonated in my head.  The way she said it was not resentful or anything like that, but it was genuine and kind.  That REALLY had an impact.
Anyway, I called to try and make an appointment with the other therapist, and they gave me some bullshit about how she can't accept me because my insurance is HMO and not PPO (which is a lie because I've never ever heard that before).  I said, fine, whatever.  So, now I obviously had to look for someone else again...but those words in my head kept resonating "I can help you with your problems, you know".  I just could not get it out of my head!  Finally, I just said to myself "Self, maybe she IS a bit forgetful, but what is one thing that older people have that younger people don't?  WISDOM.  And wisdom is crucial in therapy! Plus, I truly believe that my intuition is speaking to me here.". 
I called her back and made the appointment, and it's the best call I could have made.
When I stepped into her office, it was a room in her apartment she has set up for patients.  Her place is beautifully and elegantly decorated ( I actually love the way it's decorated - seriously, great taste, this woman!).  She used to be an actress, so there is an artistic aura about her place, including a beautiful white grand piano in the living room.  And she has the friendliest and warmest/kindest demeanor of any therapist I've ever encountered!  We clicked right away.  And, within only 2 months of seeing her, I was completely drug free.  Not only coke and weed, but free of even Prozac!!  I've been on that shit for over 25 years!  Now, I know that I can't attribute ALL of this success to my therapist.  I think, and feel, that I was actually TRULY ready to make the change, and I just happened to find an awesome therapist to help me make that change.  I swear, she is like having my grandma to talk to again, except in therapist form!  I love going to see her every week - I truly do! 
When I told her that I had finally stopped, I was holding back tears in my eyes, and she was too.  I really just wanted to hug her (and I think she felt the same), but she's very professional and that would not be appropriate, lol!  I have a feeling that some day that hug will still come when she just says "fuck it!", lol!
Anyway, I can't even begin to describe how I feel now.  It's literally like I've awakened from a 23-year hibernation.  I have SO much courage now.  I used to walk around just afraid of everything and everyone.  Now, it's just like "bring it, bitch!".  It's like I'm a new person in that sense, but I'm also still me.  "Me" in the sense that I still know I'm a good and righteous person.  I still know that I have a good heart inside me.  I still know that I'm very intelligent and capable.  The difference is that now I REALIZE this things beyond a doubt, and it feels incredible! 
For the first few weeks of being totally clean, I was on a natural "honeymoon period" high.  Reality has set back in now and the initial high is over, and I still have plenty of stress.  But, I know I can handle it, and without any crutches.  For the first time, I feel like and adult - like a MAN, like a hero even. 
Folks, when I first started writing this blog years ago, I was writing it because I just wanted to keep an account of what was secretly going on in my life and to try and connect with others who were going through similar things.  That DID happen, and I'm very glad that it did.  But, never in a million years, did I expect this to have a happy ending - and here I am!  I think I might be holding back some more tears as I write this, lol! 
Seriously, I want to thank everyone who has been supporting me, and even those who have been just sitting back quietly and reading.  And to those out there who are still suffering, I truly understand.  But, I am also here to tell you that I am living proof that you CAN get through it!  You really can! 

Not acceptable

My use of coke has still been quite rare these days.  I'm still chanting with fair consistency, so I think I've been fairly well protected from any real trouble.  HOWEVER, I'm having a very hard time trying to resist doing the "chrono" whenever I'm not working.  I don't know what else to do.  It's become such a routine habit, that I suppose it's become one that's going to be hard to break.  This is what I'm being told is a "psychological addiction".  If I repeat myself here, I'm sorry.  I'm too lazy to go back and see if I wrote this already in my last post.  Yeah, I've become THAT lazy too.  I'm actually sober right now, but I'm pretty sure that's not going to last very long.  The weather doesn't help.  It's currently 9 degrees Farenheit with wind chill outside.  Tomorrow it will be -15 (yes, negative 15).  I'm not even sure I'll be able to force myself to go to the gym tomorrow like I want to.  The weather is a big factor, but so is my fucking gut.  I've never been this heavy before & it's starting to look horrible.  My one thing that was keeping me sane throughout this poverty, has been my good health.  Now that is deteriorating.  I still love weed and always will.  But, as long as I keep breaking my own moderation rule, I'm fucked. 

Wow, longest break ever

I was wondering if fucking google would even let me into my account now that they've taken over everyone else since I last wrote.  Well, I'm glad I'm able to come back and give a long needed update.  Sorry for the long break.  I think maybe I was thinking that if I stayed away from writing about it, then maybe I would be less likely to do it.  Or maybe I was just fucking baked (like I am right now & am usually nowadays whenever I'm not at work) and too lazy to lift a finger.  Who knows.  Oh wait, I remember now.  Yea, fucking pervert snooping fuckers, that's why.  Anyway, all I know is that even if I DO (or have, or whatever we're calling this) "beat" coke addiction once and for all, I STILL have other psychological addictions which have developed in the meantime. 
Today I find myself extremely depressed.  My life pretty much revolves around getting fucked up, eating, as much sex as possible, and sleeping.  If I didn't work, I'd be stoned 100% of the time, more than likely.  I'm stuck.  I'm sailing in circles endlessly.  I don't know what the fuck to do and even if I did, I probably could not figure out how to do it!  I'm alive, but not living at all. 
I guess I'll throw in some good shit too though, because it DOES exist. 
I've been going out with the same girl from work for almost a year and a half now & things are still pretty good.  She is someone who truly has a good heart, and has also been through hell.  I'm pretty hopeful with her because she's just about as much of a freak as I am (like for real...almost), and she is very good at staying cool when we disagree.  I've found this to be crucial (thanks in part to my psychotic ex). 
I've also gotten to a point where I'm chanting on a fairly regular basis (she chants too - BONUS!).  And, the sex is some of the best I've ever had.  I'm telling you, she's a freak! 
So, those things are going better than usual. 
But anyway, I know that she's getting sick of my idling, and I can't blame her.  I'm sick of it too.  We're trying to make plans to move in together (she has two kids too) and get the hell out of here and probably down to FL (I've actually missed that place - go figure).  I'm really trying to get my shit together.  I was really skeptic about the whole idea of us all moving in together at first mainly because of the boy.  He was very aggressive towards me in the beginning & I didn't think that was going to be resolved.  But we chanted about it, and amazingly, we're friends now!  I'm trying to really keep my practice strong because I know it's been helping me slowly come back to doing the things I know I have to do. 
But SEX is my weakness, and it has been instrumental in bringing me back to my crazy secret life.  The lure of the intense pleasure is too much.  It just literally feels too good. 
Oh yea, and X.  He has since been out of work (disability) and so has been broke.  As a result, our partying days have been reduced dramatically.  We're lucky if it happens once a month.  Once in a blue moon, I will go off on my own & hit the slopes, but not often.  Does this mean I have this under control now?  Probably not, but I suppose it's still an improvement, even if it's not my own doing (or is it?  I chanted a lot). 
So, I guess I'm okay, but not okay.  Okay?  Okay. 

How to injure your penis by masturbating while skiing and manage to still have good sex afterwards

  Yup, that's what happened.  I really thought I had gotten rid of my coke person's number for good, but a hardcore addict always finds a way.  I found his number in ANOTHER older phone that I still had.  So, I've been getting shit from him again for a while now again.  I had to sell my beloved bass finally because of it and I'm now playing Russian Roulette Checking Account until I get paid on Friday.
Anyway, this time I got 2 bags at first, came back, did lines pretty fast (coke wasn't very good...I fucking hate that shit!), watched porn, masturbated and then decided that I'd make some $ that night.  At least I could use this evil shit to get some good out of it, right?  So, of course I had to get two more bags (of the bad shit, mind you) so I could sell some good sex.  I put out my ad and waited about an hour, and when nobody called, I decided to go to the club.  I did the other two bags at the club, felt bad and I was just about to leave as I finished the last of the last when a guy came in and we had sex.  Here's the thing...as he was leaving, he gave me a hundred dollar bill and said "here, thank you"!  That was exactly the starting price of what I was offering in my ad, hahaha.  As shitty a place I was in at the moment, this seemed to be kind of divine, lol!  I swear, it did.  When I got home, there were several messages from my ad, but I was done, and kind of mystified.  Oh...my penis.  The guy masturbated me so hard that it got rug burn.  Shut up, it's not funny.  

  The following weekend something else unusual happened.  There's a girl at work that I've had mutual flirt sessions with in the past, but it's never gone beyond that because she lives in Bumblefuck, Egypt and had a boyfriend (I never knew this until very recently).  We've been "poking" each other on FB and joking about the poking with sexual innuendos (like probably everybody has done at some point, lol)  via text.  Anyway, the sex peppered talk turned to her basically asking me if she could come over Saturday to have sex.  Pretty cool.  BUT, not only that...she also told me that a friend from work had told her that I practiced Buddhism, and she decided to ask me about it because she was interested and had already been to the center (same Buddhist center I go to!) researching.  Even cooler.  See, at the beginning of this year, I started chanting to meet someone within my Buddhist organization because I think it would really help if I had a sort of spiritual activism, if you will, with someone.  But, when I kept chanting for it and didn't see anything happening, I decided maybe I was being too specific and decided I'd be okay with someone who is just spiritually minded in general.  The first girl I went out with was a spiritual Christian, but the personalities did not mesh.  The second girl was a spiritual Hindu, but again the personalities were just not a good combination.  With this 3d one who is spiritually Buddhist, with a personalty that definitely blends well with mine, I've got a special feeling with.  You know how sometimes in life, you feel like you have known them before?  When I first met her (she will be called JB) I got that feeling.

When she came over, it was super comfortable the whole time and she looked way hot...OMFG does she have a BODY on her!!  She brought some sangria, and we hung out for a good while on the balcony smoking cigs & chatting about INTERESTING stuff, and really liking each other.  Then we did the chanting routine (her first time doing it ever) together and it was pretty powerful.  And later, with my injured trooper of a penis, we had sex that was pretty damn good.  Cooler than coolest. 

She told me that she has a disease (I'm not going to say what it is) and that she just wanted me to know this (she said this before we had sex, btw).  I found that to be honorable.  And here's the thing with this chic again...this time it's different because I'm going to tell her right off the bat too about me.  I really am.  What I went through with my last girlfriend is something I never want to go through again.  I've actually learned my lesson with that.  I don't want to hurt like that anymore and I certainly don't want to hurt anyone else like that.  I'm done, and if it means being alone for the rest of my life, so be it.  I will not do that again.  
Anyway, she's coming back this weekend.  I didn't tell her when she told me about her stuff because I'd not really thought about it.  The women I've dated after my ex have not been anything that I saw any long-term thing happening with, so the dilemma never really came up in my head until this JB thing happened.  If she runs away, I will not be surprised and will understand.  But if somehow this works, this may be great.  I'm hoping for the best, and prepared for the worst.  



  
  

Fuck Me

Well, it was about time I should have a major regression.  Friday night was it.  The girlfriend decided she was staying in for the night, so in my state of infinite stupidity, I called my dealer.  I ordered 2 baggies and told myself "I'll get the coke and just watch porn, so at least I'm not cheating".  Got home and started right away (with my roommate home, mind you!) in my room.  I knew that even buying those two would put me into a really bad financial situation, but I resolved that everything was going to be okay because I could always just sell my bass (like I've said the past 10 times I've done this shit).  Well, this time I really AM selling it because I fucked myself even more.  After I finished the first two bags around 12:30am, I decided that I needed more.  I called the man back again hoping he was still awake.  He was, so I went and got another 2.  Fucking genius.  Not only did I get two more, but I decided to go to the local bath house.  I'll spare you all the details because quite frankly, I'm sickened by them and myself at the moment.  When I'm all fucked up, nothing matters.  I guess that's the point, but escape from reality is always temporary...and then you come down.
Now, I'm guilt-ridden once again and getting through this week is resting entirely on selling that fucking guitar.  I don't want to sell it and it pains me to do so.  I'm paying the consequences I KNEW I'd have to pay.  I feel that sense of hopelessness coming back and settling inside me.  This is NOT who I want to be, and never has been.  Never in a million years would I have imagined my life would end up like this back before I snorted that first line.  I keep trying and trying to fight back with my spiritual side and everything I've learned to combat this shit. Obviously, I've not learned enough.  More negative karma is what I'm getting.  More of what I already have plenty of.
I guess the one good thing that came out of this shit is that I erased my dealer's number from my phone.  At the very fucking least, I have to stop buying the shit because it's really taking a tremendous toll.  I'm so angry right now and guilty.  I feel so fucking hopeless.  I just chanted and don't feel any better.  I want this to end, but I know that feeling will return once the weekend comes around again.  It's GOT to stop...and NOW.