A Note To Nobody

By now, I blog so seldom that I doubt anyone reads this any more. But, I started this thing, so I might as well update once in a while. Actually, I may be slightly more frequent now since I've destroyed the infamous paper journal...well...kinda.

AJ and I got together yet again for the very last time around Xmas 2010. Long story short: We got back, she told me she wanted me to move in with her, but I saw some contradictions in her behavior which suggested otherwise. The red flag was when she asked me if I could help her bring some furniture to her house that someone had given to her. "Hmmm..." I asked, "where are we going to put all of MY stuff? It's already pretty tight in here". She danced around the question and from that point I knew something was up. So, we spent xmas together and hung out a few more times before the typical fight broke out. This time, I got criticized and belittled for letting her know that LH (psycho bitch from work) was stalking me. Ironically, the reason I made it a point to tell her was because I promised to tell her more about what's going on in my life. No good deed unpunished, right? Anyway, we broke up shortly after, then she sent me a text saying that she never planned on having me move in anyway and that she was still in love with the guy she told me she was broken up with. I replied with quite a nasty bite and told her to erase my number from her phone and that I no longer have the desire to even be friends with her. After I sent the txt, I blocked her on all means of contact. We've had no contact since.

And, of course, I must answer the question "Am I still doing coke?". The answer is "yes". And I also still see Mr. X. A few times a month, so it could be much worse.

Currently, the music project is going horribly & I'm in a pretty deep depression. I'm becoming pretty isolated from the rest of the world most of the time. I've been smoking lots of herb and staying in.

I started to see another girl from Milwaukee not too long ago, and spent lots of cash on her, but it didn't work out. She ended up not having the curves I crave. Shallow, I know.

I'm pretty lonely and miserable lately. I didn't even get myself to go to the gym today. I keep thinking I could have just hired a whore instead of spending all that money for nothing. I'm still thinking about getting one, but I've been keeping in mind that I've got more important things to save my money for. Sometimes I don't care. A whore shure would be good right now.

I'm feeling old & trapped again. I've done very little chanting I'm lucky if I get one morning gongyo in each day.

Half-ass Blog Entry

I've been dating here and there lately. Same old shit so far, the ones I'm attracted to really don't seem interested and vice versa. Honestly, the last girl I dated was physically gorgeous, but there did not seem to be a strong chemistry anyway. I'm trying hard to avoid Mr. X, but the fucker keeps popping into my mind...well, he's been trying to contact me too. Ugh, I don't feel like blogging and my best friend is IMing me.

Life of illusion

Last night was our first out-of-state gig. It went pretty well, especially compared to our last one. Yet, again, we ended up playing to a handful of people. They were dancing though, and we got compliments. As usual, the venue ripped us off by telling us one thing and doing another. We didn't even get enough to cover our fuel costs.
We're a good band, and I definitely think we can survive by doing this, but I still question whether I really want to any more. Is it good music? Yes, in fact it's above average. But is it groundbreaking or the stuff of legends? I doubt it.
Perhaps I am getting old and waning something else over this. But I think it's the very fact that I have not been able to FIND what I want due to my lifestyle. I want to have a special someone for the rest of my life and possibly raise a kid or two...yea, one is plenty. But I also have developed this liking for being a coke whore. The two are simply not compatible, which is why my relationships always eventually fail. The band is a shield from that pain. It's the "replacement". But then again, when I'm NOT in a band, I miss it. I'm rambling. I need to go back to sleep.

Please make it stop

I need to stop this train wreck that my life has turned into. I'm getting too old for this, and I desperately want to believe in something more than just this. I had to break too many hearts, including my own because of the stupid shit I do. It may have worked out with AJ had it not been for that shit. I love her SO much, and it kills me to know that it can never work out because of what has already happened between us. The damage is done. It's the same goddamn thing with my ex fiance. It would have definitely worked with her, but once again, my bullshit got in the way.

I got way fucked up last night again with the notorious Mr. X. Once again, neither of us even had an orgasm, so he kinda just took off. I laid in bed pretty much paralyzed from complete exhaustion. Then came the crash. Not the worst I've ever had, but it was still a bad one. I know when it's gotten really bad when I start to lose my balance, which happened last night. After about an hour of laying there wishing I could just sleep, I started breaking out in a cold sweat and feeling very nauseous. After about 2 hours of this torture, I laid in bed looking like I had taken a shower. Amazingly, I was able to resist vomiting.

We have a show this weekend, and I don't want to even do it. I've been losing interest. There is some fire left, but nothing like before. I've been considering quitting the band and just going back home with my tail between my legs. DS keeps reminding me how awesome it is to be out there rockin all over and having chicks all over us. I'm not denying that it's a really good feeling, but it's not ultimately what I want. I want a "love of my life". Shit, I've HAD a few of them, but have had to let them go. It might really be over this time. I've not made an official decision yet, but it's what I've been feeling lately. DS will be pissed, but I can't force this. Also, even if the fire comes back full-force, it's not enough for it to just come back for a while and then leave me high and dry again for months. That's not enough for a sustained effort, which is essential for what we are trying to do.

I really miss having my little family that I had with AJ and her daughter. I swore I would never let my bullshit fuck up another promising relationship. But, here we go again. God help me.

Misery

I thought I had shaken it off last week, but apparently not. I've been in a pretty deep depression lately and I'm not recovering as quickly as I've learned to lately.
I still miss the hell out of AJ & think about her constantly, but I know for sure it will never work now. I'm also feeling very much alone up here in this town. DS has become less friendly to me lately and I'm not sure why. He is down as well because the band situation feels like it's grinding along very slowly, which of course affects me too. Then there's my toe. I've gone for a run exactly twice sine I moved up here because my toe still hurts from when I kicked my garbage can (steel) after one of the last incidents with AJ. I've not been able to do any cardio stuff because of it and that was one of my biggest defense strategies against my depression. I did join a health club finally, so at least I'm doing some exercise, which helps some. DS is really the only person I know up here, and in my state I'm not really in a mindset to meet new people.
I've been smoking LOTS of weed, mostly to escape my depression and anger. I'll be okay, but I'm a bit uneasy about how long it's taking me to get out of this particular funk. Oh yea, and to top things off today, my dog vomited all over my car 10 seconds before I opened the door to let him out. Awesome.
I've still been seeing LH (from work) at least once a week. She's trying really hard to build a serious relationship with me, but I just can't do it because I'm just not THAT into her AND I'm still very much in love with AJ.
I'm still seeing Mr. X a few times a month and we do our little binges. It seems like even that is getting old lately. Maybe that's a good thing.
There's a girl who is a social worker at one of the places we go to at work that I'm gaga over. Her face and voice are both very similar to a beautiful girl that I went out with in college. I keep thinking "why put another girl through the pain of dealing with me?". Well, an LTR is a longing that I have and will probably never lose. I'm SO sick of being alone. Really really sick of it.

The Pain Of The Bi Closet

Any bisexual guy must be familiar with this story. I love that I'm bi, and I've know this since I was a child. As a child, I was very shy and it was very hard for me to make friends (and still is). Most of the male friends I've made in life have been straight and even homophobic. Coming out to them would drastically change the friendship and very possibly end it ultimately. I think it would be easier if I were gay, but I'm definitely NOT. I love women as well. Always have and always will. In fact, I prefer love relationships with women.
I feel that some day I'm just going to come out and say "fuck you" to all who have a problem with it. I really wish I had the balls at this point, and I may grow them soon! I'm just terrorized by the idea of losing friends I've known for ages, and the general public rejection.

Down Again

I'll start out by describing the "miracle" that happened last month. My car was found, without a single scratch. We got a letter from the Chicago Pound saying that the car was in their lot and impounded. I could not believe the news when I heard it, and was so happy! But my excitement dwindled as I found out the details as to where it was found. The car was found on the next street south of where I left it and at the exact hundred block west! I was 100% sure about where I left it - I even remembered the details about that walk home from the last time I saw it. But there was a factor that I had not considered until I found out about where it was found. At the time, AJ and I were smoking LOTS of weed. Yes, I began considering the possibility that this whole thing was a mistake on my part and that the car was never stolen! Is it possible that I parked it A BLOCK AWAY and was so absent-minded that I simply forgot where I parked it??? As embarrassing as this is, and as much of a pot advocate I am, I HAVE to admit that this may have indeed been what actually happened! Is it possible that the car WAS stolen, taken for a joy ride, then returned a block away without a scratch?? I guess, but it's seeming less likely! I've not told ANYONE this because I'm far too embarrassed. Regardless of what really happened, the fact is that I've put myself in a situation where a mistake like this CAN happen. That whole memory of me walking back from the car that night and seeing a woman staring at me DID happen...but I now believe that this memory was of a DIFFERENT night! I can't go on like this! It's unacceptable! But...I have.
AJ and I broke up after another altercation. We had another huge argument over something stupid and she brought up something from the past (which we both agreed we would not do) and I lost it. No, I did not hit her, but I threw her to the ground after she tried taking my shoe as I was trying to leave and calm down (we also agreed that she would not interfere when I needed to step out to calm down). That was the last time. I still love her to death, but I can't have her. Not like that. I think about her every day and wish the good things could have kept going without the bad, but that's just a fantasy. God, I miss her. I miss her daughter too. We were a family. But I can't go back. When things get physical like that, I have to draw the line.
So, now I've started seeing LH again (girl from work with the killer body, but below average above the neck). When I left her to go back to AJ, she ended up in the hospital because she swallowed a bunch of pills. Yes, this is the girl I've decided to go back out with! But, she does everything for me and i feel respected (unlike with AJ) and gives a HELL of a blow-job! It gets worse...
I'm back to Mr. X again a few times a month. Yes, the coke too. I don't think it will ever get as bad as it did in '08, but again, it's not the best thing to have when you're wanting to be in a serious relationship with a female. I know I'm not taking this new relationship with LH anywhere near as seriously as she's taking it. I'm in hell.
Also, to make matters worse, my big toe is still hurting me from a few months back when AJ pissed me off so much (within literally 10 minutes of getting back together) that I kicked my steel garbage can. I think I have a fracture. Anyway, I have not been able to do my normal cardio workouts because of it and it's definitely affecting my brain. I'm back to being depressed again. I'm also starting to look and feel old. The most terrifying thing in American culture is getting old. The horror. The horror!