Bi, Bi, Wisconsin

I'm at a complete loss. Being bisexual really sucks. I've toyed with the idea of "coming out", but I know if I do, I'll be automatically labeled as "gay" and forever ineligible to women. Friday was another binge night with Mr. X. I was seriously considering trying to have a relationship with a guy. I've thought about it before but never actually considered it. I guess the more I've been finding out about how women are, the less I want to be what they want. I used to have no clue what they wanted and now I'm quite aware. It's not their fault, it's instinct. I've even become pretty good at faking it, but you can't fake someone out all the time when you are in a full relationship with them.

I officially quit the band last week & I'm moving back to Chicago. I feel relief from not having to commit to the project any more. DS was actually really cool about it. He's the only one I've talked to, so I'm not sure what the other guys think. Everyone's equipment is still here, so I'll have to deal with them eventually. I'm just as nervous about moving back than I am excited. There are so many things that I miss, but of course a lot that I don't. One thing I will definitely miss is my current awesome apartment. The chances of me getting a place with laundry, dishwasher and garbage disposal in Chicago on my budget are slim to none. The chances of me getting a place this size are absolute zero, unless I move to the ghetto...yea, not happening.

Something inside me still compels me to try and find a compatible female companion, but I've tried so many times before, and telling myself that if I find the right one, I'll just get rid of Mr. X. I'm pretty sure I've accomplished the first part, but not getting rid of my deadly addiction.

Since I was 12 years old, I remember wanting to be a girl. If I had the money, I would have become one a long time ago. That would be nice.

Fucking Tea Fuck

I'm coming down from my post-binge recovery smoke, so I figured I'd write some on here and make some Chamomile tea. Was very excited to add honey and start drinking it, so in a hurry I grabbed the bottle and started squeezing. About a teaspoon into it, to my horror, I realized I wasn't holding honey at all. I was squeezing a bottle of Eggo brand butter-flavored pancake syrup. Needless to say, the tea is not as good as I imagined it to be before the Eggo Syrup Incident, but at least it wasn't Draino or something, I guess. Wow, that was a really long explanation! I'm still kinda stoned so that's okay.

Where was I...ah, yes, I was going to tell of yesterday's festivities...

Waiting for the highly anticipated sex & drugs binge was excruciating! And now I can't seem to turn of this bold or italic bullshit or get my font back to goddamn normal! FUCK!! Fuck it, I guess I'm stuck with this until I'm done. Can you believe this shit?? Fuck it.

ANYFUCKINGWAY, in order to get the blow, I had to leave Shitforbrains (Mr.X) in charge of getting it because he's the only fucker I know with a connection besided MU and she would not call the guy because she had not talked to him in years. This font is really fucking annoying me and is prompting me to write the word "fuck" (and variations of the word) way more that I would normally. I don't even think I'm using the right word..."font"...I'm trying to describe the ugly ass letters that I'm now forced to write with instead of what I started out with.

So, I'm all excited about finally hooking up with MU again, so i go all out and get 3 large packages. It was not cheap. I could not pick it up from him until Saturday night, so I had him get in Friday night so that I knew I had it for sure. So I talk to him Saturday morning and he tells me he is going to a protest that's like 3 hours away, but that he would be back at night so I could grab it. While he is on his way to the protest, he informs me that he brought the shit with him! WHY? Why the fuck would anyone do that? Incredibly, nothing happened and he got it back safely.

I had a little time to wait for MU to get off work, so I decided to stick around and play with Mr. X for a couple hours (using his own coke, of course, lol). 3 hours later, I headed to MU's.

When I got there, she was dressed in loose jeans and a t-shirt...so typical! At least she appeared to have done some makeup stuff. She was really nervous at first, but since I was already buzzing, I went into it pretty quick.

Right from the start, there was something missing. It didn't feel like before...definitely not as intense. There were some moments, but not like how it used to be. That's not to say we didn't have fun. I guess I had expected this massive explosion of sexual energy that just didn't happen. It occurred to me that maybe I'm just getting old. She too. After about 5 hours or so, she said she just could not go on because she was exhausted and her stomach hurt. I was exhausted too, so I didn't mind so much...but I had to cum.

After a couple hours of rest, I got up to see if she could keep going for a bit, but she was just not well. So what did my dumbass do? I went to the sex club for another few hours and did the other bag of shit.

Needless to say, I feel like shit right now, but not as bad as it could have been. I'm actually kind of glad that my thing with MU did not go as well. This way it's not such a big temptation for me to want to do it again. I've got to lay down...FUCK!

My Specialty: Playing With Fire

In my own ungracious way, I kind of saw this coming eventually. Remember "MU"? She was the psycho I was living with 3 years ago, at the low-point in this whole coke thing. At least every weekend, we would go on coke binges and have nasty intense sex (still the best sex to date). Anyway, we say hi to each other once in a while through text, and more recently I had to turn to her to get my herb since the entire state of Wisconsin is fucking dry!

So, last week I told her I wouldn't mind doing some "dirty play" with her again sometime. She concurred. Tonight I'm going back to the same place where it all finally spiraled out of control to do what we used to do. I know it's a huge risk to open up that Pandora's Box again, but the thrill has overpowered me. What a filthy slut that girl is. I can't wait!

Dumber than a lab rat.

One of the worst parts about my situation with Mr. X is that the urge often comes in VERY powerfully and suddenly. That's what happened last night. I scheduled myself off work today because we were supposed to play a gig last night, but it got moved to another date. So, I spent the day yesterday trying to come up with things to replace the bad habits I have. I had a few ideas that I set in motion, but then out of the blue came a sucker punch. I felt like I could have controlled it, but I didn't. does that mean I CAN'T control it?

I went to his place this time. Once again, the shit was not even that good. After we both got completely worn out, we both pretty much just collapsed on the bed and didn't even finish the last package. This time I didn't crash like I do normally, but I did break out in a pretty intense cold sweat for about an hour. My body felt paralyzed like it usually does after a binge. I can move if I want, but I don't. I lay pretty much motionless for long periods until I have to go to the bathroom. This time I could feel sweat running down my face and hear the drops hit the pillow. Surprisingly though, I was not in pain. But I was still so damn tired that I slept there for a few hours.

So, here I am again back home and feeling like shit. I'm seriously considering moving back to Chicago again. Nothing seems to be going right, and I KNOW that the main thing standing in the way is this Mr. X bullshit. SO many problems would be eliminated if it weren't for this situation. Oh, and I would like to thank those who have posted comments recently. It really helps somehow knowing that SOMEBODY is reading this. Maybe it's an ego thing or maybe it just makes me feel less alone, or both. It also motivates me to keep writing...yea, it definitely makes me feel less alone! Okay, back to bed.

Blah Fuck Blah

Another freezing rain gloomy ass day in Wisconsin. Saw Mr. X again last night, so I'm recovering but not as bad as usual. We finished 2 packets of coke in about 5 hours, and it wasn't the purest shit. These assholes who "cut" the coke and put other shit in it should have their balls freeze dried, ground up, and added to their own coke to snort.

Anyway, I've had an unusual number of migraines this week. On Tuesday, I actually had to call off work because of it and last night I had to cancel band practice. Funny thing is that I knew that doing coke would numb the pain for at least a while. It worked!

I've been telling myself that this will be the week where I stop smoking weed every day that I'm off work. Obviously that didn't happen, and as a matter of fact, I think I'll go for my first puff of the day right now...

MU got me some really good shit last week. You would think that living in Wisconsin would mean no problems getting good shit...WRONG! Since i've been living here, it's been hard to find ANYTHING. One more reason to miss Chicago.

I need a career change. I need a life change!

A Note To Nobody

By now, I blog so seldom that I doubt anyone reads this any more. But, I started this thing, so I might as well update once in a while. Actually, I may be slightly more frequent now since I've destroyed the infamous paper journal...well...kinda.

AJ and I got together yet again for the very last time around Xmas 2010. Long story short: We got back, she told me she wanted me to move in with her, but I saw some contradictions in her behavior which suggested otherwise. The red flag was when she asked me if I could help her bring some furniture to her house that someone had given to her. "Hmmm..." I asked, "where are we going to put all of MY stuff? It's already pretty tight in here". She danced around the question and from that point I knew something was up. So, we spent xmas together and hung out a few more times before the typical fight broke out. This time, I got criticized and belittled for letting her know that LH (psycho bitch from work) was stalking me. Ironically, the reason I made it a point to tell her was because I promised to tell her more about what's going on in my life. No good deed unpunished, right? Anyway, we broke up shortly after, then she sent me a text saying that she never planned on having me move in anyway and that she was still in love with the guy she told me she was broken up with. I replied with quite a nasty bite and told her to erase my number from her phone and that I no longer have the desire to even be friends with her. After I sent the txt, I blocked her on all means of contact. We've had no contact since.

And, of course, I must answer the question "Am I still doing coke?". The answer is "yes". And I also still see Mr. X. A few times a month, so it could be much worse.

Currently, the music project is going horribly & I'm in a pretty deep depression. I'm becoming pretty isolated from the rest of the world most of the time. I've been smoking lots of herb and staying in.

I started to see another girl from Milwaukee not too long ago, and spent lots of cash on her, but it didn't work out. She ended up not having the curves I crave. Shallow, I know.

I'm pretty lonely and miserable lately. I didn't even get myself to go to the gym today. I keep thinking I could have just hired a whore instead of spending all that money for nothing. I'm still thinking about getting one, but I've been keeping in mind that I've got more important things to save my money for. Sometimes I don't care. A whore shure would be good right now.

I'm feeling old & trapped again. I've done very little chanting I'm lucky if I get one morning gongyo in each day.