Dumber than a lab rat.

One of the worst parts about my situation with Mr. X is that the urge often comes in VERY powerfully and suddenly. That's what happened last night. I scheduled myself off work today because we were supposed to play a gig last night, but it got moved to another date. So, I spent the day yesterday trying to come up with things to replace the bad habits I have. I had a few ideas that I set in motion, but then out of the blue came a sucker punch. I felt like I could have controlled it, but I didn't. does that mean I CAN'T control it?

I went to his place this time. Once again, the shit was not even that good. After we both got completely worn out, we both pretty much just collapsed on the bed and didn't even finish the last package. This time I didn't crash like I do normally, but I did break out in a pretty intense cold sweat for about an hour. My body felt paralyzed like it usually does after a binge. I can move if I want, but I don't. I lay pretty much motionless for long periods until I have to go to the bathroom. This time I could feel sweat running down my face and hear the drops hit the pillow. Surprisingly though, I was not in pain. But I was still so damn tired that I slept there for a few hours.

So, here I am again back home and feeling like shit. I'm seriously considering moving back to Chicago again. Nothing seems to be going right, and I KNOW that the main thing standing in the way is this Mr. X bullshit. SO many problems would be eliminated if it weren't for this situation. Oh, and I would like to thank those who have posted comments recently. It really helps somehow knowing that SOMEBODY is reading this. Maybe it's an ego thing or maybe it just makes me feel less alone, or both. It also motivates me to keep writing...yea, it definitely makes me feel less alone! Okay, back to bed.

Blah Fuck Blah

Another freezing rain gloomy ass day in Wisconsin. Saw Mr. X again last night, so I'm recovering but not as bad as usual. We finished 2 packets of coke in about 5 hours, and it wasn't the purest shit. These assholes who "cut" the coke and put other shit in it should have their balls freeze dried, ground up, and added to their own coke to snort.

Anyway, I've had an unusual number of migraines this week. On Tuesday, I actually had to call off work because of it and last night I had to cancel band practice. Funny thing is that I knew that doing coke would numb the pain for at least a while. It worked!

I've been telling myself that this will be the week where I stop smoking weed every day that I'm off work. Obviously that didn't happen, and as a matter of fact, I think I'll go for my first puff of the day right now...

MU got me some really good shit last week. You would think that living in Wisconsin would mean no problems getting good shit...WRONG! Since i've been living here, it's been hard to find ANYTHING. One more reason to miss Chicago.

I need a career change. I need a life change!

Mizzoth to the Flizzame

So, I went out with this girl last night. We went to grab some drinks & then to see a movie ("Role Models" - it's funny as shit - see it!). Anyway, she seemed pretty nervous the whole time, but I think I did a good job of calming her down. This is a "guy" version of the story, so it's short & to the point. We were holding hands by the time we said good-night & said we'd go out again soon. I even got a text from her when I got home saying that she had a great time. So we're all good, right? WRONG! I sent her a text today just wishing her a good day at work - nothing elaborate (I'm not one of those clingy people - I just wanted to say hi & say something nice). I have not heard from her at all. Weird. Oh, well. It was nice anyway to just hang out with someone who is NOT family, lol.
Earlier today I did get a text from MU. She said that her trip to IA was cancelled, so I suggested she drive down here instead & we could get a room. Yea, she did not hesitate at all to accept my offer! So I've booked for Saturday & she's bringin' the party favours. So, why am I going to party with my ex two days before I start my new job? Because I have a fascination with anything akin to playing with fire. I have it in my head that I have to burn in order to feel "normal". Is it really the case? Or am I just so used to it that it feels right?
I spent 5 hours on Monday filling out paperwork, giving them my urine and blood, taking physical tests & all kinds of other shit. I was very proud to get my badge (no, I'm not a cop!), yet I'm willing to risk it all for a few hours of intense dirty nasty coke-enhanced sex. Shit - even writing the previous sentence turns me on, and at the same time makes me feel guilty. Maybe I'm just thinking too much about it. I'm even having some intermittent thoughts about getting back with MU.

Vomit-Fest Puts Me to the Test

This has been a very strange week. On Sunday night, I decided that I did not want to wait any longer, so I started looking online again for partiers in the area. And, who did I see that was online? NS. Within about 40 seconds of chatting, we decided that we should hook up that very night. I told him I'd pay for the motel room if he got more shit. I was certainly very excited about this, so I got the room about 4 hours before he was to arrive. He actually got there before I expected (which is extremely rare for him). By the time he got there, I was fiending something fierce! The first line he made was huge & I vacuumed it up as usual. Well, it was the same thing over again. The first couple of hours were pretty kickass, then towards the end, I kept trying to chase the high by doing more. This time, something happened that freaked me out. I actually got so fucked up that I could barely move. I just laid there on the bed & asked him to bring another line (thinking for some stupid reason that it would help). I did another & it did nothing. I started feeling really weird & I could hear myself starting to talk incoherently. After about 10 minutes of that, I started to feel something that felt like nausea, but I was not sure if that's what it was. Well, about 2 minutes after that, my theory proved to be right. I started throwing up. It took me so much by surprise that I did not make it to the toilet in time. I threw up 6 or 7 times, then I could not even get up. I had to crawl to the bed because I had no balance & could not see straight at all. After that, I just laid there with my hands over my face while I gasped. I honestly don't know if I was trying to cry or trying not to, but it came out as gasps, lol. I can't remember ever being that fucked up. When there's still shit left and I don't use it, you KNOW I'm fucked up as hell! I have to be grateful that I really was not in much pain though - physically anyway. Meanwhile, another set of events were starting to unfold at the home front.
My uncle has been having pretty severe back pain lately and has been given strong pain killers. They also want to do some tests on him tomorrow (which is the day they are supposed to leave). They still planned on taking the trip - only they would wait after he got the tests done. However, this morning my aunt began having really bad migraines which subsided by the time we ate dinner...or so we thought. I guess the gods felt that I had not experienced enough vomit this week. After eating, she drank some water that was apparently too cold, and it set off the migraine symptoms with a vengeance. I saw her start to run to the bathroom, as my mind flashed back to Sunday night. She did not make it either, and guess who was going to have to clean up...ding-ding-ding! Bingo! Luckily I'm pretty used to this sort of stuff because of my job, so it was not that big of a deal.
So, they've decided to cancel their trip. I'm not sure if I should feel glad that I ended up partying early or not. Either way, I'm kind of disappointed. Partying aside, I was just looking to have the place to myself for a week. That would have been pretty cool. But, I'm a beggar at this point, so I cannot be a chooser. And, that's definitely not a good combination of illnesses to have on a long road trip.
I was also informed that the sale of the property in FL is probably not going to happen. I guess I've been sort of naive about the situation (I've never done this before), but my realtor set me straight. The guy who is supposed to be the buyer has gotten turned down 3 times by the banks already for a loan. Well, I guess in Real-Estate-World, it's pretty much an in-vain effort if you are turned down even once. I had a hell of a good deal too on the place I was going to buy. Oh well, fuck it. Everything happens for a reason, right?
I could not help but notice, once again, that as soon as my mindset went back into "druggie" mode, everything just seemed to start going wrong again. Maybe I'm just being superstitious, but then again, maybe there's something to this shit. I'm more towards believing that there is. The same exact goddamn thing happened in FL.
I've also noticed that, just from that one day binge, my body is not responding the same. My vision is still kind of weird, I'm very tired, my mind is slow & I cannot work out as vigorously as I've been lately (trust me - I tried!). I think I actually started to like myself again before Sunday night. I think I like that feeling. I want more of it. But can I resist next time?

The Great Escape - Part II

It's very true that tragedy brings people closer together. It has been very apparent in my situation here, and is especially true of family, of course. Although my dad claims that he only read a couple pages of my journal, I have my suspicions. Shit, if I had someones intimate details and I had already read some, I'd more than likely read more myself! Anyway, he commented tonight about how it's amazing how similar we are. It's very true. I still sense a great deal of sadness and worry in his voice. I hate to hear him like that. I'm not surprised that he's not angry though. Of all people, I know he understands my situation (which is probably why he's so worried).
On the other hand, I AM surprised that The Mom is not angry. Maybe she's just hiding it - I don't know. Either way, she has been very supportive as well.
I know my brother is very concerned too. He actually went through rehab, so he knows firsthand. I know he means well, but I did get kind of annoyed when he kept telling me what hard drugs to do you. I already know that stuff. I know he's just trying to help though.
I spent last week downstate at my aunt's place. I decided that it would be a good idea for my cousin and I to take a trip. Her husband has filed for divorce, but they are still living together, so getting away was good. It took a lot of mental battling, but I actually resisted the temptation to cancel the trip. MU was out of town, so I had the place to myself AND I was offered a lot of free coke that weekend. At least I know I'm not COMPLETELY controlled by my addiction. I did, however, do it when I got back.
Being here, as predicted, has got me back on the "twice-a-week minimum" program. Not good. I know I need to get out of here and find something to take up my time. I've got idle hands. You know how that shit goes.
I actually only planned to stay here for a few days, but between the hurricanes and the addiction, I've been pretty much "trapped" here again. I only brought enough clothes for 4 days, and I have nothing meant for cool weather, which we are starting to have now. Good thing I brought all my winter shit to Florida!
Anyway, while I was down at my aunt's, she was very persistent about trying to convince me to move down there and go to school. She said I could stay there and live rent free and not even have to pay for food if I just wanted to go to school full-time and not work. Something tells me that my dad had a talk with her! I do think that is a good idea &, like she kept saying - a chance like this is not going to come my way again. She's right.
I've pretty much made the decision to do it, but I have to admit I'm scared as shit. It's been so long since I've been in school, and I AM still concerned that my demons will follow and continue to torment me. In fact, I'm sure of that. I just need to be stronger and focus my energy on other things.

Fucked to the power of infinity

So, where the fuck have I been this past week? Well, AT&T (BUNCH OF FUCKING INCOMPETENT ASSHOLES!!!) decided to cut off MU's Internet service even though she made the payment. So, I'm at the Internet cafe now. She called them and bitched up a storm to the point where they told her to find another service. So, if I'm not here for a while - you know why. But that's not the only reason I may not be here...

As I've been staying here, I've been skiing about twice a week. Last night I did not really even want to, but MU had already gotten the shit and she wanted to. I inhaled that shit like there was no tomorrow & we were done with all 3 bags within 3 hours. It was barely fun. The whole night, I had a feeling that something was wrong & I was right (although I'm sure guilt had something to do with it too, but this was stronger than the usual guilt feeling). Just as we had started I saw that my phone was ringing & it was my dad. I figured I would just talk to him in the morning and shut my phone off to concentrate on partying.

I called my dad back at around 11 or so this morning and he sounded weird from the get-go. After a few minutes, I finally found out what had happened. The whole time I've been up here, I've been regretting not bringing my paper journal (which is even more personal than this one). Instead, I locked it up in a chest at my mom's place along with my old journals that go back to 1995. Well, apparently I did NOT grab my latest journal (which goes back to 2002) and left it right on the fucking bed at my dad's! Yea, FUCK ME! He claims to only have read a couple pages, but he read the right ones if that's the case. He's fully aware that I'm doing fucking coke and with who, etc. I'm 1200 miles away from my personal journal and anyone can read it now and there ain't SHIT I can do about it. FUCK! The next day, of course, he was going to meet with my mom for some business matter & they discussed it. She is coming into town on Monday. My mom is one of those super anti-drug people and she's going to shit. I have no idea what the fuck is going to happen. For all I know, she's going to get my entire family up here to confront me like on one of those fucking sitcoms or something. She might do her damnedest to have me check into a rehab. Maybe that's good. I don't know. Maybe that's what I need. Last night, I was sure I was going to be able to handle the problem finally by replacing my bad habits with good ones, but I've told myself that before and been wrong. In a strange way, I'm kind of glad that it's out in the open now. I just don't want this shit to go overboard.

My dad was not angry, but very worried. I know my mom will be the same, but probably with a bit more anger. He was also telling me that he really wanted me to stay down in FL, but to do what makes me happy. He's also pretty sure he is going to lose his house and his wife is going to lose her job if she misses one day or is late only once from now until February. They did an assessment on the house, and literally doubled his taxes. This is fucked. I had an actual plan yesterday before all of this shit hit the fan & I was quite satisfied with it. I was going to get my own place away from MU, get my old job back (I already talked to people from there and they said it was likely), and get involved with some health-related groups (health club, yoga, Kung-Fu, etc.). Now that this has happened, I'm not sure I will be able to even get my own place because my mom was going to help me out with that.

I'm trying to tell myself that all of this is happening for a good reason, and it probably is. I DO know that even if my little plan works out like I described, I still would not be happy eventually, unless I "moved up" job-wise, which likely would involve me getting a degree of some sort. What might happen now is that I might end up moving to Southern IL with my aunt and going to school. That would be the most logical thing. It's POSSIBLE that I might return to FL, but I'm going to fight that very strongly. I DO feel bad for my dad, and that may be the only thing that would bring me back.

Anyway, so that's my life right now. I have no fucking idea what the fuck is going to happen. I guess I will have a better idea on Monday. I'm going to try and get online to write as much as I can, but I don't know how much that is going to be. Writing in here actually helps me feel better and you all reading this who have left feedback are much appreciated. It DOES help. I'd better check my e-mail before my minutes run out. Peace.

History Repeating Itself

Last night was a complete roller coaster. I dropped off MU to her babysitting job through solid traffic and back, then my phone rang as I was on my final stretch. It was "the man", who I'll just start calling "TM" from now on. He was taking the train back from a baseball game and asked if I could pick him up from the station, then we could go get the shit. So, I turned around and went to meet him. Luckily it was not far from where I was. He was pretty drunk when I picked him up & said that we needed to wait for a call from his higher-up, so we drove back to the apartment to wait. He pulled out some bumps for us to do as we drove, which was cool. TM also runs a recording studio, and an open mic, which he's always bugged me to go to, but I never had. I've never done it mainly because of two reasons. First, I've always collaborated with other people, so I would be playing only a part of a complete song. The second reason is that it's always on a Friday, which has usually been when we've picked up our shit, which means that MU and I (especially my impatient ass) anxiously await to party and fuck the shit out of each other after we get it. So, I was playing him some stuff on the guitar & he was saying that I should definitely start working with him on a collaboration. He said I was a total asshole for never showing up at his open mics. I know. I totally am, lol.

So, we got the call and went to do the pick-up, then off to drop him off at his place. He wanted me to come in to do the exchange and show me his latest work. So, we went in. I noticed the studio looked a lot nicer than the last time I was there. This is the first time he played me any of HIS stuff. The first song was actually pretty good, but everything after that was just not really what I would like to work with. The hooks were very weak and the arrangement was bland. I was kinda hoping that I would be able to just record an album there and pay him for the studio time (which he has offered before), but now I think that he will want to work together. Fuck!

After that, I decided to go with him to check out the bar where he hosts the open mic. I wanted to hang with him for a while so that he would not be TOO pissed when I did not show up that night, lol. So I went there and the setup was okay. He introduced me to a few people, but my anxiety level was steadily rising. I stayed there for a short time, then I finally left. Now, we had been doing bumps ever since I picked him up, so I already had a decent buzz going.

I drove back home already knowing what would happen, even though I promised MU that it would not. The first thing I did when I got in was open one of the packages. I was only going to so a couple lines (which is always what I tell myself). Needless to say, that's not where it stopped. Luckily, I was able to half-way control it and only almost finish one package (we got 4). When she came home, I did not even tell her because I did not want to ruin things for our party. We started almost immediately. The sex was awesome & we were both really into it. It was great up until the very end when I had to tell her that there was no more. I was SO pissed at myself. Surprisingly, she was only slightly upset, but more worried about me. She actually held me on the couch while I stared off into the distance thinking about how much I fucking hate myself. I'm worried that this shit is just going to start all over again. I know that as long as I don't find work, and have nothing to do, the likelihood is very high. MU was crying earlier because she is so worried about me. Fuck.

Depress Mode

The shit finally got to us last night around 8pm. MU had to drive over there to pick it up, and came back with a single bag, which supposedly was 3 in 1. It did not look like that to me, but whatever - I was fiending bad & I knew that was enough. I will say that it was more pure than usual, but that did not stop me from making huge-ass lines, as usual. We partied for about 4 hours and had some great power exchange sex. What's really cool is that "the man" felt so bad for having MU wait so long, that he's going to hook us up this weekend with 3 more at the price of just the one he owes us. Bonus!

Other than that, my life has still been pretty depressing. I still have not found a job, although I've been looking half-heartedly. It's kind of discouraging when you know that the government is going to take about 40% of your fucking paycheck (I get an extra 10% garnished for unpaid school loans). But I HAVE been looking. I noticed that my old job (which I vowed never to return to because they treat their employees like shit) is hiring. It has been very humiliating that I'm actually considering going back. At least I would be able to work as a professional again & not some entry-level bullshit job. I've also considered nannying...or becoming a "manny" as they call it. The pay would be unmatched even if I worked at my ex-employer's - mainly because it would be cash. But doing that shit, especially as a guy in his 30's is just not something I would be comfortable with. Either way, I'm gonna have to swallow my fucking pride in some way.

I talked to my dad earlier & told him, again, that I plan on moving back to Chicago. He told me again that he really does not want me to come back & that he really needed me there. I feel so bad about this. I know my mom feels the same way, but she knows how much I dislike living in FL, so she understands. Why is life so friggin complicated? I know I have to do what's best for me right now, even though it's selfish. I've been battling severe clinical depression since I was a teenager & I swear that lately, it feels like all my efforts have been in vain. I've actually had suicidal thoughts pop into my head. Not cool. MU suggested that I go back on Prozac. I think she's probably right.

My Other Addiction

I'm back in Chicago, and I plan to stay! I got here about a week ago. I was SO glad to get the hell out of Florida, and even more glad that I was returning to my beloved hometown. Yes, my other addiciton is Chicago. And, yes, the cocaine - I'm getting to that...
The original plan was for me to stay with my friend, RM, but she just had two kids and it just did not make sense for me to stay there while trying to look for work (she also lives in the burbs). So, I came to stay with my ex (MU), who I have to admit, I've missed. My dog is also here, so I'm very happy to be able to see him. And, of course, MU likes to party and have intense nasty sex! She apparently got the stuff the weekend before I came here. I noticed she was being very vague about how much she had (she said she was going to try and get 3 packages). When playtime came, there was only one. She told me that she had been able to only get 2, and that she just put them both in one bag. I commented that it did not look like it amounted to 2, but was cool with it. The sex was amazing, as usual. Afterwards, she admitted to me that she had done some already, and that she was scared of becoming addicted. STOP! Wait a minute...
She said that she had been doing it every Friday, and she looked forward to her fridays now because she could escape for a while. I commented that "once a week" was what WE used to do, and she never had a problem with it. I felt like some sort of manipulation was in progress. I asked her if she did it alone, & she said "yes" and that "thats what porn is for". The last quote is exactly what I said when I did all that coke she sent down when she came to visit in FL. I asked her straight out "Are you being honest, or is this some sort of manipulation thing?". She said she was really scared of the addiction, and brought up the fact that she looked forward to Fridays again. I still smell a rat, but I don't know. I know that she wants me back more than anything, and I don't think she knows that I've been considering getting back with her very seriously. I really think that if we could keep it down to doing it just once a week, we will be fine. The problem before was that I was doing that in addition to partying with NS once, and sometimes twice a week. That's when things got really bad.
When I came up here, I really thought I would be able to just ignore NS, and not even let him know I was here. Well, MU went out of town for the week, leaving me here alone. I smoked some weed, and my inhibitions disappeared, so I called him. Needless to say, we partied on Friday. I WAS actually surprised that I actually called him. I really felt that I was through with that. Another former party person called me as well. He's been sending me texts to come party with him, but so far I've resisted. I really don't want to fall back into that fucking trap again & I'm scared. I worked out today for the first time in a long time, and it feels so good to do that again. I want THAT to be my habit that I do several times a week - not coke.
She is coming back on Tuesday. Apparently she has stuff already lined up for us to party. I can't wait! Damn, why is that shit so good???

5 Days of Being Clean

Yup, 5 days - that's how long I made it. Mike called me and asked me to come by but said he did not have much blow. As I expected, I offered to volunteer my $100 bill I got for my b-day to get more. Even as I was getting ready to go out there, I knew how the night would end up. It was fun for a while, then in the end when the shit ran out, I was disappointed and felt depressed. It's no excuse, but there was another factor that pushed me. My mom's ass-wad boyfriend was supposed to go to his daughter's place last night, so I drove my happy ass home from ML's place thinking I would have the place to myself. Turns out the fucker decided to invite his daughter & obnoxious granddaughter here. I think he did it on purpose to piss me off. I thought about inviting my dad over to piss him off (and possibly scare the fuck out of him).

Da Coke Binge!

So as expected, my trip to Chicago was pretty much a week-long cocaine binge. Shit, MU and I discussed partying on the way home from the airport, lol! So, I partied until my nose bled, then partied some more. The second night, I had the absolute worst crash I have ever had. It was way fucked up - I seriously just wanted to die. The next time I did it, my sinuses gave me hell to the extreme. I was in SO much fucking pain, it's not even funny. That was the day before I left (MU said she wanted to "play one more time before I leave". Of course, I said "yes". MU was not the only one I partied with. I saw "Idiot"(NS), and it was okay. The shit he had was not that great. You know the kind of stuff people say is the "mellow" coke? Yea, "mellow" means it SUCKS, I hate to break it to you. Coke is NOT supposed to make you mellow - that's what weed is for! Anyway, he's supposed to actually come down and visit me in a couple weeks. I'm telling myself right now that I don't even want to see him, but I'm guessing that will change once the time comes and I'm ready to party again. Fuck. I keep thinking that "this is the last time - that's IT, I'm going straight edge now". I wish I believed it.

Mr. Clean

Yea, I've been clean for over a week now (due mostly to circumstance). Last Thursday I was supposed to hook up with M. I waited around and he kept telling me "soon". I waited in agony until 6:30am when I finally just fell asleep. The next night, he finally calls at around 4pm and tells me his phone dropped in a jug of beer. Whatever, so this would be the night instead. As soon as he was done with a birthday party, he would be ready ("great", I thought). Yea, so I went through the same bullshit until the calls just stopped (by the way, I was not like bugging him every 15 minutes or anything like that. It was more like every 2-3 hours). Again, I fell asleep around 6am. The funny thing is that I really did not even feel like going either of those nights. Thursday morning was the day I switched my multi-vitamins (I got some from the health store because I thought they would be better than my Centrums). Well, something in the new vitamins did not agree with me and I felt nauseous and extremely weak all day. It did not occur to me that it was the vitamins until Friday evening. Nonetheless, I still would have gone given the chance. He called me late the next day telling me that his new phone's battery died. Again - whatever. So, here I am - the cleanest I've been since before I started again, lol. I'm going to Chicago tomorrow for a week or so. My clean record will be dirtied by then for sure! I will admit that my mind seems more clear and focused. I've also been off of my anti-depression meds for longer than I've been in years. Fuckin' drugs!

Disgusted in thyself

Friday night was one of those nights where I waited in agony to hear from my peeps in Pompano as to weather there was going to be a party. Finally, around 10pm I got the call. He was getting some shit. The guy was "on his way", which usually means that he won't be there for another couple to a few hours. So, I made a few stops on the way - including a stop at an ATM to take out the last $40 I could spend to give to them. As I pulled in, there was another car pulling out. Guess who it was? Yup, the Always Mega-late Guy. So, I ran up and saw that M was a bit disappointed. I soon saw why. There was nowhere NEAR an 8 in the bag he had. First, he got this one with a partial "IOU", and they always give him less when that's the case. Second, he had to borrow $40 from B to get it because I was not there in time (go fucking figure), so B took some. So we partied for maybe 2 hours and ran out. I was pissed about the whole situation, and pissed at myself because I could not even keep "playing" when the shit ran out. That's not cool. Oh well, at this point I'll do just about anything to stay away from my home situation. I'm moving in a couple of months - I cannot fucking wait.

Why is it so fucking good?

We partied again tonight. This time, we brought my connection guy to the hotel and we double teamed her. I have to admit it was a lot of fun. The tail end of it was usual though. Everyone was exhausted and it was a lot of effort to keep things going. I feel like a cruel joke is being played on me. Even though I feel bad for doing it, I want more at this very moment. Why is something that feels so good so bad? I hate this. I really do.

Narcotics Anonymous

I went to my first NA meeting on Thursday. It went really well and I felt pretty comfortable. There was no religious crap going on or anything like that. It was just a bunch of recovering addicts trying to help each other out. The general consensus is that it works. I'm definitely going back. This may actually be what I've been needing. They focus on personal issues, with the drug addiction being a SYMPTOM of them. I've got nothing to lose & in fact, I think I may make some friends there (something I need badly!). The stage is set for friendships because we are all there with a common problem and goal. I accepted a white key chain, which was a promise to myself not to use for that day. I DID make it though the rest of the day, BUT at 12:31am the next morning, I was using again, lol. My ex is in town, so we have been planning this "party" for some time now. It actually did not go anywhere near as well as planned - mainly because this is probably the worst time for her to have come visit. I was so fucking stressed out by my home situation that I had a very hard time keeping my mind off of it. My friend in Pompano said that he could get us more shit for tonight if we wanted. I'm not sure what to do. Well, I know what I SHOULD do, but I don't know what I WILL do. Baby steps, I guess.

I think I'm cool with this

Ok, so I went to party again last night with my friends in Pompano. WOW, that was a great time!!! The only thing that sucks is when we're outta shit, I tend to get depressed, lol. This time, I actually went out there mainly because I wanted to get the hell out of the house. My mom's b-friend has become a real dick towards me and I think if I would have not left, we may have gotten into a fight. I swear, I was ready to go off on him like a mad dog. It started earlier when I recieved a complimentary "package" from a friend. It was enough to have a little fun for an hour or so. So, I popped in some good porn and did a couple lines (saving a few big ones for the "grand finale"). Just as I'm getting really into it, Fuckbrain walks in (I was in my room with the door closed) and starts making all kinds of noise. I tried to pretend I was sleeping, so what does he do? He turns on the vaccuum and starts bumping it against the walls and my door, which I'm sure was totally on purpose. So, I went into the bathroom and tried to finish off with a decent orgasm at least, but it was too late. I did the last of it, but I was already really pissed and the high was ruined.

Anyway, I think I'm okay with this once-a-week thing. I actually just got done working out even though I was all fucked up last night. One of my main concerns with doing coke has been that it tends to put me out of commission for the day after I do it. Not this time!

I'm also very aware that I tend to do it a lot more when I have nothing else to do (duh!), which has me kind of worried because I'm still out of work (except for a side job that I do for a few hours a week). But, I've decided that I will be going back to school. Unfortunately, classes don't start until the end of January. Still, it means moving to where I've always wanted to go - Boulder, CO. That will be fucking sweet!

Also, the countdown has begun for my "Fuck-Fest Weekend"! She is flying down here in about a week. That's going to be SO much fun. As for ML, I've not talked to her much. I think we're both assuming that it's not working out as we thought it would, and it's just fading naturally (thank God!). I already told her that I would be leaving for school.

The Big Bang

Did some more skiing last night - actually had a lot of fun! I've felt shitty all day today, but hey - that shit don't come without a price. Even though I'm still doing coke, I feel like I have it much more under control than I did in Chicago. The reason for this is because NS is out of the picture here. Back there, I would party one night a week with the girlfriend, then NS would call me (sometimes more than once a week) to party with him. I think I can actually call myself a "weekend warrior" now legitimately.

Speaking of the [ex]girlfriend, guess who is coming down for a few days on vacation. Yup, "MU", the ex. We're actually getting along pretty well now and have sent texts back and forth many times now (I'm all about the text - not really a phone person). Anyway, we're gonna have plenty of shit with us and I'm gonna fuck the living shit out of her! I must admit, I've not found a girl that is as much fun in bed as she. She loves to get real dirty and nasty, just like me and we both cannot wait, lol! We're already planning what things we will need to bring to the hotel. So far, we need to make sure there is a full-length mirror, chairs, my wooden paddle, collar & chain, outfits...well, you get the idea. We may even add some other people to the mix. She has gotten really good (and I'm proud to say that she learned everything from me, lol!). Yes, I AM entertaining the possibility of getting back with her. I don't like the fact that I'm thinking about it, but I am. That girl would seriously do anything for me, and she's a very good sub when she wants to be. Damn-it, why is life so confusing? Oh, yea - otherwise it would be pretty boring!

El Binge-a-dor

Yup, that's me - El Binge-a-dor. I (and all my co-workers) just got laid off on Monday, so I figured "fuck it, I might as well start a little trouble and have some fun". I met some dudes up in Pompano Beach who had coke and could get more. Needless to say, I made a b-line up to their place! There were three dudes, and they were all actually pretty cool. They had been partying with that shit for the last four days! So they were already pretty fucked up when I got there, but they had just purchased an 8, so we were in business. I told them I would chip in some cash for it, but all I had was a $100 bill. Again, I said "fuck it" and had them order another 8! It turned out to be a waste of money though because I was already so fucked up from the first one, that the 2d made little difference. Oh well, at least this time it did not feel like my palate was collapsing (I hate it when that happens!). As usual, I stayed until every last grain was snorted up. Afterwards, I went to ML's place. She HAD to know what I was doing, but I think she just chose not to say anything. We just kinda laid there for a while while I crashed (actually, I did not come down too hard this time either). Then I introduced her to The 69. Yes, she's actually never done a 69 before! I was also the first guy to fuck her in the ass not too long ago, lol. I love teaching people about kickass sex! I had a massive headache though the entire time (partially because I had not eaten anything). When I got home, I started an IV on myself and did feel better afterwards. I still feel rather shitty.

Tina wastes my entire day

So yesterday we were told at work that our office is closing in 3 weeks! Great. Needless to say, everyone was stressed and freaking out. Well, of course I used this as an excuse to find some sex & drugs! I did my little search ritual, and found a dude that was not too far from here and he partied. However, he did not have coke, but had Meth and G. "Fuck it, that'll work", I said to myself (I usually don't really like to do meth because of the way it makes me feel the following day). I drove up there and the place was beautiful! Anyway, we did some tina, which was actually quite good quality. Then he pulled out the G, and we did a shot each. Yea, that pretty much did it - I was in horny-land! We ended up calling the dude I had played with last week and inviting him over as well. It was actually a lot of fun (minus about 10 minutes or so, where I thought I was going to hurl - I think I did too much at once, yea - surprise, surprise, right?). So, we partied and played for a few hours, but the t ran out and it was getting really late, so I made my escape. On my way home, I could already feel the "crash" as my high faded. Needless to say, today has consisted literally of me laying in bed feeling like shit. I hate wasting an entire day like that. I must admit though, it was ALMOST worth it, lol.

Me, "G", and Hepa-C

I got maybe 3 hours of sleep before going to work yesterday. I did the usual, and counter-acted it with lots of caffeine, but by the end of the shift, I was getting really tired. I was removing an IV from a patient who was using a butterfly needle (we normally use regular angio's). So, I took out the needle and, without thinking, I started to wrap up the tubing along with all the other stuff we usually wrap up (which normally includes the plastic catheter at the end, not a needle) and stuck myself in the process. It was a small puncture, but enough to make me bleed some. I told LH (co-worker) about it, and she said "Please tell me it was NOT Mrs. [so & so]". I told her that it was. She said "FUCK!". Now, LH never swears, so I knew for sure something was terribly wrong. Yes, Mrs. So & So has hepatitis-c. I went to the ER, but they told me that there really was no point in doing blood tests until about 2 weeks when the antibodies show up if I have it. I'm staying positive for the most part, but it was not something I needed especially with all the other shit I have going on. I guess I'll find out in a couple weeks. I really don't think there was enough blood for actual transmission.

When I got home, I had a package waiting for me. Yup, it was my "skiing passes" from Mr. X. Of course, in my state of mind I immediately locked myself in my room and did some lines. There was not that much, but enough to get me to lose a lot of inhibition. I started watching some porn, but I could not get my mind off of sex with a man. I went online and found someone who was partying with "G". I had done that shit before and it was ok, so I took the offer. It was pretty much a lesser repeat of what happened last time I went to party here. I got really tired fast (no shit!), and the "G" just was not any match for my beloved White Devil. I left earlier than planned. On my way home, the guy I partied with last time called me and asked if I wanted to go over there and that he had some lines for us. I actually declined (after much consideration). I figured I REALLY needed to get some sleep. Yea, I got like 2 fucking hours - great! So, here's my insomniac-ass again writing and turning my wheels. What a day.