Massive Counterattack

Yea, so that same night I was so happy about finding out my new therapist and I were going to click, I must have REALLY pissed off evil because it came at me like a shit storm (Trailer Park Boys reference)!

I had a little over one bag of coke left and I decided I was going to "just do a couple lines" and watch some porn. As you guessed, one "a couple lines" turned into the entire fucking supply which lasted roughly 8 hours. And, as usual, I didn't even have a fucking orgasm.

Once I snorted the last line, I knew I was going to have to call off work and I just collapsed on my bed and actually began to cry (I don't do that often at all). My lack of control was so goddamn obvious, and I had let it defeat me once again. It was also obvious that it was starting to affect my work again (on top of the rest of my life). I felt completely alone and covered my face with my arms crossed over my eyes.

Of course I told myself that I was now determined to stop for good. I've told myself that before, but this felt different. I've told myself that before too. I'm still not giving up. I'm doing something about it.

Tonight, I'm attending my first Narcotics Anonymous meeting here in town. As I mentioned before, I tried them when I was down in FL with no success. I'm telling myself that I'm in a better position now since at least I don't have that fucking asshole to deal with when I get home. I have my own place now where I have some peace. And if this doesn't work, I will put myself into an outpatient rehab program. I HAVE to stop. I NEED my life back. Fuck this!

Pushing Back the Enemy Lines...

Get it? "Lines", hahaha! That was horrible, I know!

I had my first therapy session with the shrink I'll call "DM". As you recall, in my last hopeless episode, I was weary about this guy and was very skeptical to meet him. As it turns out, I like him a LOT!! As part of me suspected, his voice is just naturally deep and soft, and I must have interpreted that over the phone as being disinterested. I felt comfortable right away, and the place I'm going to (a place that caters specifically to the LBGT community) matched me up with him well. He also happens to have lots of experience, especially with drug addiction! When you sign up, they ask you what your preferences are. I told them that a bisexual male would be preferable, but not necessary. He assured me that we would get through this. It felt really good to hear that, and he was quite confident in his statement, which made me feel the same. There's HOPE!! Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!!!

After this one session, I've even gotten a little more comfortable with the idea of going back to school. That appears to be a far stretch at this point, but nonetheless, it certainly seems more possible now than it did before. It's also nice to feel less alone. This is a good day.

The Feel of Shit

I don't even feel like writing but, again, I feel the need to at least make my secret life known to SOMEBODY.

Once again I'm all fucked up from this weekend's binge. I bought $300 worth this time on top of what X gets. I actually started out by going to see MU first, then X, then watched a bunch of porn. It's totally out of fucking control. And, it's become what I look forward to on the weekends. I know this is not normal and I know it's destroying me. I did that shit until my nose bled & then some. The things I do are disgusting and make me disgusted with myself.

Someone commented on my last post that I should check out AA. I tried NarcAnon when I was down in FL and it did not seem like it was going to work for me. I know there is an AA meeting place literally 2 blocks from here, so it wouldn't hurt to check it out. I've heard nothing but good things about them.

I'm seeing my therapist for the first time tomorrow. I really hope he's not a tool. He called me last week to tell me (in a less-than enthused voice) that he had been assigned to me and was calling to set up an appointment. Why the fuck would you become a therapist...ok I'll stop. Maybe...hopefully...he was just having a bad day or something.

I've not heard a word from AJ since she left on vacation. I'm thinking she may have started that last argument on purpose. I need to just let her go...I think.

Lord Zack v.s. The Red Swarm

It's been slightly better lately. I still mostly hate my life and feel trapped, but I'm able to laugh some, unlike last week. My mom brought up this idea again that she has of opening up a bed and breakfast in South America. It's tempting because of the distance I'd be away from all the shit and it would be nice to be in control of how much I make. But I think it's too dangerous and I also know that there's part of me that would not WANT to leave this life. This has happened every other time I've tried to "quit". I can go without it for a max of about 2 months, then the crave just gets too strong and I find my way back.

I'm also aware that this is absolutely incompatible with ANY sort of serious relationship with ANYONE, which means I'm pretty much doomed to a lonely rest of my life. I don't see how it could possibly turn out any other way as long as this crave exists.

I suppose it doesn't help that I stopped taking my Prozac five months ago because I couldn't afford to see a Dr. to renew my prescription. I decided to see how life would be off it once I ran out. Maybe it's time to go back on it. Still, even the great Zack can't stop the "Red Swarm".

I feel a sense of great urgency to DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS, but no idea on how to fight it. So I just live day by day, frustrated, depressed and friendless.

OH, and I've been trying to hook up with a therapist at a local center which is friendly to LBGT people, and finally after 2 weeks of red tape, my assigned therapist calls me, and I got a bad vibe from him. He seemed like he was being forced to do something when he called me to make the appointment. WTF??

Never in a million years

I feel like things are going back towards rock bottom like they did in '08. I've been given extra hours lately at work, so what do I do with the extra $? You guessed it...cocaine! Last weekend it also included a hooker (who was amazing!) whom I may just see again, despite the high price.

I told myself that when I got back to Chicago, I'd make an effort to get out more. That has not happened. Shit, I tell myself a lot of things that never happen. If someone would have told me that this is where I'd be at my age, I would have laughed at them. But now I'm the one to be laughed at, or felt sorry for. I don't want to be this, but it is what I have become and have been for a long time now. I feel like a waste. I've been going through the long process of signing up for therapy again. My new therapist is supposed to call me next week. Maybe that will help. Who the fuck knows anymore.

I recently began talking to AJ again, but it's been the same shit. She told me last week that she was moving back to VA & that set off a terrible depression in me. Of course, I got all emotional and asked her to stay and all that shit. A day later, we're not talking again. I hate my life.

I have these fantasies about going somewhere exotic and completely starting a new life away from all the bullshit. But how the hell am I supposed to do that? I'm feeling very much trapped again. Now I'm getting a headache. More drugs, please.