Karmageddon

Shit, it's been a while! Towards the end of 2011, I told myself that 2012 would be THE year I break free (yes, I realize it's only 5 days into the year, but I've gone 20 without seeing Mr. X!). So far, so good, but as every addict knows, the chances of stumbling are always high...no pun intended. The few weeks before the last time I got fucked up with him were full of inner turmoil. It was pretty much an all-out battle between good and evil inside my mind. But this last effort on my part, I can honestly say, has been the strongest ever. The Prozac has taken full effect by now & I've been chanting consistently and have been seeing the results. There has even been a couple of times when I give in, but by some divine force, my plans to see him are foiled. Call me crazy, but I think all that practice I've been doing in Buddhism has been protecting me. My therapist actually convinced me to go back to practicing even with my skepticism. I'm back because I know it works, and right now I NEED something that works!

I do believe that spirituality in in general, whatever it may be, is one of the only things capable of getting through something like this. Reading "The Secret", I learned that we DO in fact create our own realities. But there was that one thing missing to account for the "bad" things that happen even if all you've been doing is positive. That one thing is karma. It all makes sense now. You create your own reality, but not without the help of past karma.

Magic Jackass, Bloody Sunday

The weekend started out well, and remained well until Sunday night. Friday, I went out on a third date with someone, which went okay. Saturday was my cousin's birthday party, which was basically a big bong smoking party, lol! Sunday was going great. I cooked a new recipe, which turned out decently, organized, cleaned, then played some God of War II.

But then, at approximately 7:15pm (right about the time X usually gets coke), my MAGIC JACK phone rings! Shit!!! I KNEW it was him without even looking. My body instantly felt very cold and the acids in my stomach burned my GI tract. I paced around, turned up the heat, and paced around some more. I started rationalizing in my head: "Maybe it's NOT that bad", "Maybe I DON'T really want to stop, as my shrink has suggested", "Maybe I AM gay", "Maybe just this one last time"...yea, I've told myself that one before. FUCK!!!

After about 5 minutes, I checked the voice mail. It was as if I had never sent him that email. "Hey, just wondering if you're around. Give me a call". About 5 minutes later, I did call. He answered just as nonchalantly. He started telling me he wanted to get together but that he was broke and didn't know if he could get much coke, and was about to give "The Man" a call. I told him to find out what was going on, then call me back.

When he called back, he said that The Man was not going to be around that night and if I could do something the next day. I told him no. Then he said he could probably scrape up enough for a little party from empty bags. I told him no. Then he said we could just try next week.

After I hung up, I considered calling my dealer, but decided it was just too much damn effort.

I'm now really starting to think that I really don't WANT to stop. What in the FUCK am I supposed to do??? On top of this, he's got fucking HIV, and that's STILL not enough to fucking stop me??? WTF is wrong with me???

Bring it.

So last weekend may be the last one that I mess around with X. I had promised my therapist that I was going to tell X that I no longer wanted to see him. Nonetheless I hooked up with him on Friday and was too fucking depressed to make it to my best friend's Halloween party & I felt horrible. This had an extra powerful effect due to the fact that the exact same damn thing had happened a couple weeks before with my other friend's going away party. What the hell kind of friend was I being?? What the hell kind of life was I living where all I looked forward to was getting fucked up and treated like shit by X, then being depressed for the rest of the weekend?

I have to give credit to my therapist who was really starting to "threaten" to start to be real hard on me. I'm not gonna lie. The dude kind of scares me! But that's probably a good thing. So, that pressure was on me as well.

So, on Monday, I sent X and email explaining how it was affecting me physically and mentally and that I had to be done with him. It took me a good couple of hours to hit the "send" button, but I did it. I didn't stop there though. I wanted to make sure that he could not contact me on my phone, so I had his number blocked. That's the first time I've ever done that. Of course, he could still get in touch through the email, but I've not checked that account since. It's been exactly a week.

It's on.

Cold Theme

I've been trying to post on here lately, but I've been too damn depressed to even do that. Even though I'm up to 30mg now on the Prozac, this depression is getting worse. Despite "demands" from my therapist to go to NA meetings, find a sponsor and to tell X that it's over, I've not done anything. I've kept the weekly binge schedule, although we did less this weekend, but that's not making a difference. The fact that I could not resist is what's bringing me down, I'm quite sure. I got fucked up on Friday, and Saturday was my best friend's Halloween party, which I skipped because I was feeling like shit. I told myself I would not miss her party. I failed.

This is not me. This is not who I am. I've not gone to the gym. I'm walking around with an angry frown on my face whenever I'm outside. I don't like this at all.

To make matters worse, my shitty ass building has been without hot water for the last 2 days. I fucking hate this place. I guess the 3 weeks without cooking gas wasn't enough. And this stupid ass bitch who moved in upstairs (who walks loudly and constantly on the hardwood floors) is irritating me. I looked like the hot water heater got fixed last night because I tested it and the water was no longer freezing like the water from the cold side. So what does this dumbfuck upstairs do? She runs the fucking water all night thinking that's going to help it heat up! When I woke up, she was still running the fucking water, so I had to fill my tub up pan by pan of boiling water. By the time there was enough for me to get in, I noticed the hot water was finally starting to work again.

I'm seriously thinking about moving down to FL again.

Destroy Everything You Touch

I'm starting this one out with a thanks to "outcast5555..." for reminding me about the NA meetings! In my warped mind, I thought I had written about that, but it turns out I did not.

I did attend my first Chicago meeting the week before last & it actually went really well. The particular meeting I went to advertised that it was GLBT friendly, so that was an immediate attraction. It also advertised that they held meetings by candle light, which was very much my taste. I got a few numbers afterwards, then my social anxiety kicked in full force, and I had to go. The girl sitting next to me was particularly very friendly to me and was encouraging me to participate (no sexual attraction...I think she was lesbian anyway). I'd LOVE to have someone like that as a sponsor. That's what I need. Someone who I click with, who is kind of in my face about things. Only certain people could pull that off with me. I don't think they let co-ed sponsorship happen anyway. Maybe they do, I dunno.

Fast forward to last weekend...I had what I believe to be the longest coke binge I've ever had. I fucking snorted for roughly 26 hours straight. I bought two large bags for myself, and after X left, I kept doing it and watching porn. Of course, as I'm doing it I use the excuse of chasing the elusive orgasm, but I'm really doing it as an excuse to do more fucking coke. Typical bullshit. Told myself I was only going to do a couple lines from one of the bags. Yea fucking right. I did 1.5 bags by myself in addition to what I did with X & the only reason I stopped was that it actually started making my headache worse (big surprise).

When Sunday rolled around, I made myself go out with the girl I've been dating because I blew her off 2 times in a row already because I was too fucked up to go out. Luckily, we had planned to go out for drinks! Yea, I was miserable the whole fucking time and had to cut it short. As an extra bonus, one of these pussy ass meter maids gave me a ticket! Motherfuckers! I HATE them! I hope people start shooting your fucking asses! I'm not kidding, I really wish that on them. Right in the fucking head. Apparently, you can't park for free even on fucking Sundays now. Pieces of shit...DIE! DIE! DIE!

Anyway, I saw my therapist today & he's quite worried about me. My eyes actually started to tear during the session. That does not happen much at all! He strongly recommended that I attend 4 NA meetings a week and find a sponsor. This is going to be hard, but it may work. I'm running out of ideas...and time.

A song has been stuck in my head since last night. "Destroy Everything You Touch" by Ladytron. Holy fucking shit, that describes me to the letter. They're singing about ME, lol! I don't have anyone close because I cut everyone off before they hurt me. It's my fucking theme song, and the video is amazing!

Lord Zack v.s. The Red Swarm

It's been slightly better lately. I still mostly hate my life and feel trapped, but I'm able to laugh some, unlike last week. My mom brought up this idea again that she has of opening up a bed and breakfast in South America. It's tempting because of the distance I'd be away from all the shit and it would be nice to be in control of how much I make. But I think it's too dangerous and I also know that there's part of me that would not WANT to leave this life. This has happened every other time I've tried to "quit". I can go without it for a max of about 2 months, then the crave just gets too strong and I find my way back.

I'm also aware that this is absolutely incompatible with ANY sort of serious relationship with ANYONE, which means I'm pretty much doomed to a lonely rest of my life. I don't see how it could possibly turn out any other way as long as this crave exists.

I suppose it doesn't help that I stopped taking my Prozac five months ago because I couldn't afford to see a Dr. to renew my prescription. I decided to see how life would be off it once I ran out. Maybe it's time to go back on it. Still, even the great Zack can't stop the "Red Swarm".

I feel a sense of great urgency to DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS, but no idea on how to fight it. So I just live day by day, frustrated, depressed and friendless.

OH, and I've been trying to hook up with a therapist at a local center which is friendly to LBGT people, and finally after 2 weeks of red tape, my assigned therapist calls me, and I got a bad vibe from him. He seemed like he was being forced to do something when he called me to make the appointment. WTF??

Never in a million years

I feel like things are going back towards rock bottom like they did in '08. I've been given extra hours lately at work, so what do I do with the extra $? You guessed it...cocaine! Last weekend it also included a hooker (who was amazing!) whom I may just see again, despite the high price.

I told myself that when I got back to Chicago, I'd make an effort to get out more. That has not happened. Shit, I tell myself a lot of things that never happen. If someone would have told me that this is where I'd be at my age, I would have laughed at them. But now I'm the one to be laughed at, or felt sorry for. I don't want to be this, but it is what I have become and have been for a long time now. I feel like a waste. I've been going through the long process of signing up for therapy again. My new therapist is supposed to call me next week. Maybe that will help. Who the fuck knows anymore.

I recently began talking to AJ again, but it's been the same shit. She told me last week that she was moving back to VA & that set off a terrible depression in me. Of course, I got all emotional and asked her to stay and all that shit. A day later, we're not talking again. I hate my life.

I have these fantasies about going somewhere exotic and completely starting a new life away from all the bullshit. But how the hell am I supposed to do that? I'm feeling very much trapped again. Now I'm getting a headache. More drugs, please.

Ironic Bullshit

Yea, so I changed my passcode and email a few months back and I didn't remember what I used...FUCK! I finall messed around with it some and I was able to figure it out. That was annoying!

Anyway, so I'm all moved back into Chicago. My place kind of sucks, but it was the only one that would accept my dog. Whatever. I've been seeing X pretty much on a weekly basis still.

I actually got a text from AJ a couple of weeks ago asking if I was still blocking her, lol. That lead to us going out again for a short time, but I absolutely could not keep myself in a relationship knowing that I can't stop X. I didn't tell her that, of course, I kind of made her break up with me. That's really sad in more ways than one. I think I'm seeing myself more like a sick individual lately. It seems like I've really decided that as long as I can't stop X, I won't let myself be in a relationship. I can't do that to someone again, and can't put myself in that position again. I won't do it.

I need to either stop now, or be single until I do. That's the ONLY way anything is ever going to work with me. I miss AJ. I feel like texting her. She wanted to hang out this past weekend. I told her I could not. Why? You know why. It's very sad. I'm very sad.

When I saw her last, she had matured as well. She no longer drinks every day and no longer feels the need to go out all of the time. It's like she is more like I wanted her to be now. Un-fucking-believable.

Operation Diamond Vision

Another weekend, another binge. After the last one, I started formulating this plan to rid myself of this shit once and for all. I have the basic elements mapped out, but still need some specifics. The plan should work in theory, but I know that the underlying cause is psychological, so some sort of therapy will more than likely be part of it.

Years ago, while researching various forms of Buddhism, I came across a form called "Diamond Way". One thing that stuck with me was the metaphor of using a diamond as the way your mind should be seeing the world. The diamond vision is one that is not distorted by anything (including drugs) and enables you to see the world just as it is. That's why I'm naming this operation as such. This battle has been going on for far too long and it is going to kill me if I don't defeat it very soon. My father said to me a couple of years ago that drugs impair your ability to make decisions, even when you're not high at the moment. I have found this to be true. Shit, 15 years ago I would have NEVER imagined I would be an unmarried sex-crazed lonely drug addict. Fucking never!

I'm determined to win this bloody battle. I will not go down like this. No fucking way!

Fuck, Fuck, and Away!

So, of course, the hooker was not enough for my sex-crazed ass this weekend so naturally, I hooked up with X. We partied for a few hours and apparently I turned him on so much (I WAS in an extra slutty mood, lol) that he came before he wanted to. Afterwards, he was insistent on leaving and said he didn't think he could go again. Incredibly, we had only gone through one of the bags of coke. I asked him if he could just wait for a little while to see if he was really done. That lasted about 10 minutes before he decided he was leaving for sure. I was disappointed, but he said he would leave me the other bag for myself so I could keep going with someone else if I wanted...SCORE!

He said he was just going to take a few lines for himself, which i discovered later was about half of the bag...FUCK. Anyway, I did end up hooking up with another dude later, but by that time I was so damn tired, I could barely do anything. I apologized to him and told him I'd make it up to him next time. I DID make him cum, but it just wasn't very exciting. He was cool about it though.

I've gotten better at dealing with the crash afterwards. Last night, I just made sure I kept thinking about sex the entire time (otherwise depressing thoughts tend to sink in). It worked for the most part. Still, later on, I wondered when this shit is going to end if ever. I wondered if this is how I'm going to die. I guess I'm having some fun at least. Still lonely as fuck though. I don't know if that will change. That's the thing that bothers me the most.

I Am Lord Numskull

Yea, I've been sort of MIA for the past week. As you can probably guess, I've been getting myself into trouble as usual. I'm not even sure of the fucking days here, but let's say Friday was the day I played in the snow with Squeaky (wow, that sounds gay, even though it's the one non-gay adventure I had). So, the next day, I started fiending again, so I went online and ran across someone that I used to do meth with (and vowed to never do meth again because of how shitty it makes me feel for days). Well, my vows are about as good as good as a Vegas marriage vow, so off I went to see Meth Man. I'm not going to lie, the first couple of hours were fucking amazing. Then, that feeling started to come back. The feeling of extreme nausea took over & I kept thinking "Yea, THIS is why you said you'd never do this shit again, dumbass!". I started puking, and then puking some more. But did I stop there? Hell no. Since I had actually bought an eighth of this shit from him, I decided it was a good idea to go to the sex club & do some more! Needless to say, there was no sex, but there WAS plenty more puke! Yes, I graduated from Moron to Super-Moron! Oh, but it does not end here. My standard two days of hell were to follow, and they sure as fuck did. But, on the following night, Idiot (N.S.) calls me & asks if I want to party. As you can guess, I instantly graduated to Emperor of Morons. Luckily, divine intervention occurred & my plans got canceled. Now, any normal human being would stop here and say "Wow, I lucked out this time - I'll be more careful". Not me though, because the next day (still feeling like shit), Idiot and I went out & even though I knew that the chances of me actually having a good time were close to zero, I had to chance it. Yea, it sucked. I suck. I now proclaim myself to be Lord Numskull. Of course there's only one reason why I did all this shit. I'm an addict. Plain & simple.

Modest Muse

Well, this is my 3d night in Chicago & I'm feeling pretty good. I'm staying at M.U.'s, of course. On New Year's Eve, we had a great play session. I was not expecting that because I did not think she had enough money for shit, but somehow she go it, lol. And the big question everyone is asking me lately is "are you and..."...hold on a second, I'm sick of this "M.U." shit - from now on I'm calling her "Squeaky" (because her laugh sounds like squeaking, lol). Okay, so the question everyone is asking me is "are you and Squeaky getting back together?". The best answer I can offer at this time is "quite possibly". When the new year hit, she kissed me & I actually did not feel like pulling away, lol. I can't stay too long though because I'm in my uncle's truck. Oh, and get this shit...
So, my aunt & uncle got back on Tuesday. I had told my aunt earlier that I had quit my job & she took it pretty well. I assumed that she would tell my uncle. So, they got home & I had dinner waiting for them (a kickass recipe I dug up from one of their million cook books) & everything was great. They loved the "Brazilian Beef" I made & they had offered for me to take the truck up to Chicago instead of me having to take the train. I jumped at the idea because that meant I could bring my dog & my guitar in addition to my standard travel shit. So, I helped them unpack while I packed & things were just peachy. I was JUST about to leave and said my goodbye's, when the fucking dome light would not turn off. I went back in & told my uncle about the problem. He came out and messed with it until it was fixed. Once again, I was ready to take off, but then at the very last second he asked me when I had to go back to work. OH, NO FUCKING WAY!!! Somehow, the news of my quitting did not get to him. So, I kind of fumbled for a few seconds & said "well...I don't know". He gave me a very puzzled look, then I finally just told him that I was not happy at all at that place. His entire demeanor changed to one of not being very happy. We said our goodbye's once again & my happy mood was instantly killed. The journey that followed did not help things either, believe me you, but I will spare the details.
I'm still standing by my decision though. I've been coming to terms with the fact that, to most people, I'm a complete freak. Actually, I've known that since I was about 8 years old. I guess I'm coming to terms with accepting it & really not worrying so much about what others think. I'm not happy when I'm "normal". I feel trapped & eventually, when I break out, I make a huge mess! Anyway, this mindset is very fertile ground for The Muse & I feel the strong need to start writing & performing again. I don't care anymore if I have to go out there completely alone & do open mic's. If that's what I need to do, then I'm going to do it. I think the time is now. I don't give a shit if I'm 99 years old, I'm still gonna rock if I have any life left in me!

The Idiot's Guide to GPS

I did not expect to hear from N.S. this week. Last time we hooked up, I tried to wake him up in the morning, but he was in deep sleep. So I took off & took the rest of the coke with me (technically it was mine - I just had not paid him for it yet, which basically means he's not getting paid, lol. Yea, I'm an ass, lol.) Anyway, I thought that, since I had not heard from him in over a week, he was pissed. Maybe he was, but he called Thursday & was like nothing happened, so hey - whatever. We ended up hooking up the following night. The shit was pretty damn good & the crash afterward did not include the standard deep bout of depression, so I was happy about that. In fact, it took less than 24 hours for my sinuses to recover. Good shit, man!
Now let me explain why I'm an ass to him. Basically he's a friggin idiot! He and I have been playing for about 8 years now & I think he's been on time maybe 10 times during that whole period! I'm not even exaggerating. It's like impossible for him to get from point A to point B without doing a bunch of bullshit in between. Now, most of the stops that are done in between could all be done in one shot, but that's rarely how it goes because his dumb ass forgets and either has to go back or find another place. And he whines a lot (I'm talking much more than I do!). He'll FINALLY get here, then start complaining about some shit that I have nothing to do with & I'm thinking "shut the fuck up already & let's get this shit started!!". Oh, and just one more thing I have to bring up that happened this weekend with him. He is the only mother fucker I know that can make a wrong turn & not realize until he's 6 miles off track...USING A GPS SYSTEM!!! How the fuck do you get that far off your intended route while using a working goddamn GPS??? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGGH!!! *Deep breaths* Needless to say, the only reason I still hook up with him is because of the coke. It's pathetic. I know.
Anyway, so here I am almost fully recovered & preparing myself for the return of the aunt & uncle. I'm dreading this. I have to tell them that I quit, then that I'm thinking of moving back to Chicago. This will undoubtedly cause an uproar with my family. They just came back from FL and DID visit my mom and dad. I would find it surprising if a conversation did not come up about my cocaine use. If my aunt did not know how bad it had gotten in Chicago, she will know now. M.U. keeps telling me not to worry because I'm an adult & I can do whatever I want. I know, but there is still a tremendous amount of pressure on me.
Of course, M.U. has her own reasons for wanting me to move back. She tells me she loves me every time she sees me & I know she does. Yea, I DO love her back, but I can't say it to her - at least not yet. I'm still scarred like a mother fucker from my previous relationship, and not to mention she shit M.U. herself did before our big break-up. I really do feel like she actually "gets" me though. I can't say that about many people at all. I know I'm virtually impossible to deal with & she deals anyway. She's a sweet girl, but can be a real irrational cunt when she's pissed. I guess we all can. I just don't want to go back there and get myself into the same situation that I worked so hard to get away from. If there was something that changed, I would be less hesitant, but I can't think of much that has. If N.S. is still in the picture (which he will be), it's going to be very difficult to keep that from happening again, unless I occupy myself with other stuff. That's the only thing that may be able to save me. If I work & start school up there, that may be the key. Roll on, roller-fucking-coaster!

Diary of a Madman

The party with M.U. last night went pretty well until the end. The guy we played with last time came over too. He's cool with us skiing & is good company in general. The last time, it was one of those threesomes that is just uncomfortable & awkward because everyone is nervous. This time we knew the third person, so it was much more comfortable. M.U. even admitted that she had a really good time (she was not eager for a 3d person because of last time). He left about half way though, which was perfect. Everything was going really well still until probably the last hour when I started to crash. I basically got really depressed and had to stop. It sucked. I could not stop thinking about my situation & what the fuck I'm supposed to do now. I started having "bad thoughts" again. I'm better today, but still not well by any means.
Luckily, I still have 2 Prozacs left, so I popped one earlier, which helped somewhat. I simply forgot to take one yesterday, which was not helpful, I'm sure.
One good thing about crashing I guess, for me, is that I tend to open up a bit (I have walls up that are thicker than the Cheyenne Mountain Military Fucking Command Center). I told her how much I truly despise this world & that I really don't want to do shit anymore, except get fucked up. I know I sound like an angry teenager & I suppose I'm in the same mindset as such. When you are an adult, you're somehow supposed to learn to cope with this shit & become very thick-skinned. Believe me you, I've tried. But I'm way too goddamn sensitive to ignore shit. Go ahead, call me a "pussy", "weakling", or whatever else comes to mind. I don't give a fuck. I am who I am & I'm not going to pretend that I'm not. Fuck that. I'd rather die. Maybe I will.

Escape

So, as I suspected, "slam guy" totally blew me off yesterday. I guess that's just as well - I don't need to be making this shit any worse. The thing that pissed me off was that he strung me along all fucking day. What a dick.
I had my interview, but I'm not sure I'm being considered. In fact, I'm not even sure I would want it anyway because of the pay. It was not a surprise, but the pay is less than half as what I was making in my previous job. But, that's how you start out in any Carrier, right? The interviewer was actually a pretty sexy Asian chic. It was very informal & she was all punked out (definitely NOT what you would expect for an interview!). In fact, I think she might have been high because her eyes were red as hell, lol. Needless to say, I instantly liked the place! She showed me around & everyone there looked like they were either an actor or musician. Bonus! Everything went very well until I said goodbye and started out the door. For some reason, I just got the feeling that I did not get it. I have mixed feelings about this. The lack of funds would be worth it in the long run if I decided to definitely pursue a culinary career. But the more I talk about it with people, the more discouraged I get. Many people I know say that they have friends who are chefs and cannot find a job worth shit. I guess it's like being a musician. Since everyone and their fucking sister wants to do it, the competition is fierce. Anyway, I've not been called back yet. It would be nice to at least have SOMETHING by the time my aunt gets back. You know what it is, honestly? I'm SO god-damn sick of the fucking rat-race that "sick of" does not even begin to describe how I loathe it. It's fucking stupid & I fucking hate everything about it. I don't want to be part of it anymore. I guess I'm trying to minimize my participation in it by getting low-key work & making damn sure that I have enough time & freedom to myself to do what I WANT TO FUCKING DO. "Life's for my own to live my own way", as Hetfield says.
M.U. is coming down tomorrow, so I'm rather excited about that. I guess that's another good thing about that dickhead blowing me off. I'm not going to still be recovering by the time she gets here. Shit, I would not be surprised if I decided to just go back up there with her.

In a Chemical World

I have a job interview in about 10 hours. I answered an ad for a baker position, which is pretty much exactly what I've been looking for. I was actually dancing yesterday because I was so happy (I know...GAY!). I have a good feeling about it & it's going to be much easier telling my folks that I quit my other job if I already have another one. Today is also the day I'm supposed to hook up with "slam-guy". I'm kind of nervous, but there's a good chance it may not even happen. People flake out about 60% of the time, I'd estimate.
I tried to get to sleep early, but kept waking up, so here I am trying to kill time & make myself sleep already. I even took Benadryl & it's hardly effective this time. Actually, I can feel it making me tired, but when I lay down, I just sit there not getting to sleep. That's okay, I know it will likely hit me about 2 hours before I have to go to the fucking interview.
M.U. is coming down this weekend too. I sent her a check for just about all I will have left after paying my cell phone bill so that we can enjoy a nice long fucked up weekend! Okay, I'm going to try this sleep shit again.

Born to be Cyco

N.S. came down on Thursday for what was supposed to be a super-sex-fest. I had gotten in touch with a couple others that were going to join us that night, but they flaked. We ended up having to get a room again, but the shit that he had was phenomenal! Yes, once again, I pretended to go to work, but this time I actually had a place to stay, lol. Despite the complications, I had a pretty friggin' awesome night.
Another migraine my aunt had threatened this second trip the following day. Luckily, it only delayed the departure by a day. Yes, that means I'm here alone with nothing to do, which can only lead to trouble, which I'm finding already.
I met someone online who is coming into town in a few days who says he's got lots of shit, including my favourite powder & some tina (which I have not done in a long time because I just hate the way you feel the next day). He asked how I like to do them & I told him either snort or smoke. He suggested we slam. At first, I did not know what he was talking about, but then it hit me - duh! That's one thing I've never tried before, but I'm definitely curious because of the way other junkies describe the feeling. It's supposed to be fucking euphoric. I'm a bit nervous, but you know I'm gonna try 'cause I'm crazy like that.
THEN, for the weekend, I've got M.U. coming down to visit, which means another all-party weekend! I could feel guilty about all this shit & I'm sure it will catch up to me, but right now I just feel like saying "fuck it" & enjoying life the best I can. Rock 'n' Roll to the fucking core, bioooooootches!!!

Feel Like Shit...Deja vu

I've got the bronchitis again. Actually, I don't think it ever went away - it just became very obvious when I tried smoking a square. I called in sick to work on my first day out on the street. Yea, not a good start, but wtf am I supposed to do? I probably could have gone it 'cause it's not like I'm dying, but this is a job that can be very physical & can be outside in the freezing cold. And yes, I'm also still having issues with even working there. The funny thing is that other people in my field would kill to have my job. In fact, they would probably kill me if they found out I was considering leaving. But hey, that's me - Mr. Loose Canon. I found out the other day during training that a lot of times I will be working alongside five-0 (sometimes in the same building). I have enough trouble relating to people in general already, shit! Anyway, my next shift is supposed to be Tuesday night. We'll see what happens. Until then, I'm just chillin' & letting these antibiotics do their thing (including making me feel like shit).
I told MU that I was considering going back to Chicago if I found a more desirable job. She jumped right on that & called her "friend in high places" & is telling me to send a resume. I know that, as far as the drug problems, I've been doing much better since I've been down here just due to the situation. I HAVE sought out connections. I was even doing that earlier tonight. That's probably just asking for trouble. Maybe that's just what I want. I'm definitely crazy.

420

I'm in Chicago. My aunt had to come up here, so she figured I might as well pick up my guitar & some other stuff. I was so praying that MU had some weed here. She does. It's the shit! Yea, so I'm happily enjoying my last day before I start work. I've even had the place to myself all evening until tomorrow morning when MU gets back. I was getting so annoyed down there without a minute of being by myself. On Friday, they BOTH left for about an hour, but my aunt told me that one of her friends was coming over in half an hour! So, I got a total of about 25 minutes of having the house to myself since I've been down there. I know - I should not complain. At least I have somewhere to go. It's just so annoying. Oh, and in case you're wondering, yes I DID try to get coke tonight. Luckily, I was unable to in such short notice. I've got problems!

Bluer Than Midnight

My current bout of depression finally seems to be letting up today. Ones that last days have become rare, but this was certainly that. About a week ago, I doubled my dosage of Prozac because I felt a bout coming on.
While in this state, I found myself rightfully worried about my ability to function at my new job. In the past, I've called in sick if severe depression hits me on a day I have to work. I HATE having to do that, but I really don't know what else to do. I'm not talking about your regular run-of-the-mill depression here. There is a long history of unipolar depression and suicide on my dad's side of the family. I have to admit that those thoughts did cross my mind from time to time this week. When I start thinking of how I'm going to do it - that's when it gets scary. I know exactly what has lead to this latest outbreak though.
When I got here, I feel like life had offered me a "clean slate". However, I've found myself starting to lie & make up stories again to cover up my lifestyle. I don't feel comfortable at all like that & of course it's only going to get worse if I keep going like this. I've used GH as an excuse to go out the last couple times and get fucked up. It's perfect because I have an excuse to not have to come back until morning. The truth is that I've only seen her a couple times & honestly I don't think it's going to work out. Last night, NS came into town & we got a room again. I told GH that I was going out of town. We had a lot of fun for sure, but I really don't like to be dishonest. It makes me feel like shit.
Today, I've pretty much just laid around recovering from last night. I'm hoping that once I start working, it will force me to get back into "recovery" mode. I know I'm going to be found out sooner or later if I keep this up. It's inevitable.