Zack is Back for the Counter Attack

Last week, I went down to FL to visit my family. It rained the whole time I was down there, but it was nice to see everyone and it was nice to have a reason to stay clean that week.

I started thinking about moving down there again just to be close to everyone. I dunno. It's a consideration.

I canceled my therapy appointment the week before I left because I simply ran out of time to prepare for the trip. When I came in the next week (this was the first time we were meeting on a Wednesday rather than a Monday), my therapist (DM) told me that one of the reasons he switched my days was because Wednesdays would be in the middle of the week and not right after my weekend binges. He thought maybe there would be a difference in my mood...and there was, but not what he expected. He said I actually looked more depressed than usual. Wonderful.

Well, there's still hope though. Just before my session, I stopped at the pharmacy to FINALLY get my prescription for Prozac (SEVEN fucking weeks to see a Doctor with this United Healthcare bullshit insurance! I imagine many patients end up killing themselves within the time it takes to see a fucking psychiatrist!). So, the next morning I started on the low dose of 10mg, and over a month I'm to work my way up to 40. I could have sworn I felt the effects the same day I started taking it, but that was probably just the 'ol placebo effect. Nonetheless, I succeeded in counteracting the effects this past weekend by going on another coke binge with X, and then by myself afterwards.

I also ended up blowing off my good friend from college as she was having a going away party (leaving the country again). I feel like such a piece of shit for that. I'm losing what little is left of my friends. This has got to stop now.

Going Down Now

I've sunk into a level of depression I've not experienced in a long time. I cancelled my date with this new girl I've been seeing (mild attraction) because one of my exes (lots of attraction) called and said she was going to try and see me today for her birthday (coincidentally Labour Day). She's flaky as hell & I fully expect to be blown off, and so far my expectations appear to be well founded. Thinking ahead, I stopped by an ATM on the way back from the gym for the possibility of hiring an escort. I met one a couple weeks ago who blew my mind. She was expensive, but easily the best I've ever had as far as call girls. I was so fucked up though when I met her that I could not get hard. I'm kinda hoping she's around tonight. Seems like all the others pale by comparison. Even if that does happen, or if I see one that's as appealing as is she, I don't know if I'm even going to call. I'm just so goddamn depressed, I'm not sure I'd even enjoy it much. I'm actually quite attractive & I shouldn't have to be doing this, but I do. Maybe it's the thrill. Who the fuck knows.

I've not reached the point of suicidal thoughts, but I feel like I'm dancing along that edge. I need some hope. I need my fucking Prozac!!

Lord Zack v.s. The Red Swarm

It's been slightly better lately. I still mostly hate my life and feel trapped, but I'm able to laugh some, unlike last week. My mom brought up this idea again that she has of opening up a bed and breakfast in South America. It's tempting because of the distance I'd be away from all the shit and it would be nice to be in control of how much I make. But I think it's too dangerous and I also know that there's part of me that would not WANT to leave this life. This has happened every other time I've tried to "quit". I can go without it for a max of about 2 months, then the crave just gets too strong and I find my way back.

I'm also aware that this is absolutely incompatible with ANY sort of serious relationship with ANYONE, which means I'm pretty much doomed to a lonely rest of my life. I don't see how it could possibly turn out any other way as long as this crave exists.

I suppose it doesn't help that I stopped taking my Prozac five months ago because I couldn't afford to see a Dr. to renew my prescription. I decided to see how life would be off it once I ran out. Maybe it's time to go back on it. Still, even the great Zack can't stop the "Red Swarm".

I feel a sense of great urgency to DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS, but no idea on how to fight it. So I just live day by day, frustrated, depressed and friendless.

OH, and I've been trying to hook up with a therapist at a local center which is friendly to LBGT people, and finally after 2 weeks of red tape, my assigned therapist calls me, and I got a bad vibe from him. He seemed like he was being forced to do something when he called me to make the appointment. WTF??

Fluoxetine, you are my heroine

My happy pills seem to be stabilizing somewhat. I've been able to think more positively today, which has put me on a better frequency. I've had more energy and only a couple of "dips" during the day. I ran a couple of miles earlier, which felt really good. I feel like I'm finally going to get back into good shape like I was before I became a total druggie. I even ran into a former co-worker while I was walking my dog. She was very surprised to see me, as I was to see her. We talked for a while & apparently I had a pretty strong impression on my old partner (whom she's pretty tight with) because she still talks about me a lot, lol. I feel kind of bad because I always would get kind of annoyed with her, but she was nice enough. Anyway, she told me that a lot of the people that were there before are no longer there and that they are desperate for people that do my job. She was pretty sure that I would get the job again if I applied. Honestly, I would love to be back there. And I'm sorry this sounds so vague, but I have to keep it this way for privacy purposes.

I still think back to that night that changed everything. Because of someone else who decided to get shitface drunk then drive into me, I had to take a drug test. So, instead of pissing hot, I walked out. I did it because if you piss hot, the whole industry will know about it. It was better to just walk away. The problem is...ummmm...this happened once before too. They already took me back once. But, knowing them, they would probably take me back again. I'm sure they have dealt with much worse! I was always on time & did my job well. I was just a big pot-head at the time. But I never came to work stoned or lit up on the job either. That's what pisses me off about those fucking drug tests. What do they care what I do during my time off? Anyway, I'm trying to find out if a certain person is still there. If she is not, then I'm pretty sure I'll get in. That would be SO fucking cool!

Oh, and we're all set for tomorrow's festivities.

Oh, shit! I almost forgot. I got a phone call from ML (my ex-fling from Florida) earlier. I did not answer, but she left a voicemail. The voicemail said that she was pregnant, but not to worry about it because she's going to "take care of it". Honestly, I think she's bullshitting. We DID have sex a couple of times unprotected (she had to twist my arm because I'm the Condom King), but she also told me that she cannot get pregnant because of her surgery. I'm not too worried about it, but I was just shocked when I got the message!

Nice, nice. Flotation device.

Man, these psychotropic drugs can do some weird shit sometimes. So, I kept on being depressed for hours after I posted my last entry & all of the sudden, I felt like I could work out. I went to my weight bench, and vaboom! I had a pretty damn good workout! I'm feeling better now - definitely more confident and focused. I have a clearer picture of how to work this whole thing out & I don't feel completely trapped right now, which is a HUGE relief. I've been wanting, but procrastinating, to talk to MU about possibly trying to work things out. I know she wants to & I know she would be ecstatic. When I left here, she said and did some really bad things that hurt a lot, but I have to take part of the blame for driving her to that. I tend to drive people around me crazy. Another of my wonderful talents! Anyway, she's one of those rare people that you may or may not ever meet who just thinks the sun shines out of your ass (stealing a line from Juno) no matter what you do. She seriously thinks the world of me (for whatever reason).

Caught in the undertow

Okay, so usually when I take Prozac, my mood improves. It seemed like it was starting to help yesterday until I got up this morning. I had a hard time sleeping & didn't get to bed until around 3am, then got woken up again at 5am by an ambulance - THEN, again by construction in my building which started around 8 or so. Anyway, when I got up, I was feeling pretty damn depressed again & even had those "bad" thoughts popping in again. I don't want to say "suicidal" thoughts because technically they weren't. I was like I would think "okay, well what the hell am I going to do even if I do go back down to FL and get my shit? That's IF I make it back.". I've become extremely asocial & that is not a good mode to be in when looking for work. Today, I have not even looked. I've tried to work out, but decided to eat ice cream and write in my blog instead. Maybe I'll try later. I feel so goddamn inadequate right now. I feel like I have not got shit to give and I'm living off of other people. It might seem like a joy-ride at first glance, but nothing could be further from the truth. I was independent. I was on a road to greater goals and prosperity until I fucking fell & decided to "take a break for a while". It's like I saw myself finally getting somewhere & then I just sabotaged the whole fucking thing. Perhaps it's just another form of my self-destructive tendencies. I'm so sick of it. I want out NOW. At this point though, it seems impossible to get out. I've burned too many bridges & replaced good habits with bad ones. I know there IS a way out, but I can't see shit right now. This sucks giant chupacabra ass.

Drug Tales

On Monday, as MU was leaving for her babysitting job, she asked me if I was going to see NS & I told her "no". In fact, the thought had not even occurred to me until she mentioned it. So, of course, I called him and he was at work and did not get back until Tuesday night. Well, even though I was depressed that I had even called him & was feeling like shit the whole day, I called & we hooked up. He had gotten 2 bags (these are bigger than the ones we usually get from TM). We did both of them in about 2.5 hours. I think one reason it went so fast was because it was weak shit (the guy he gets it from has told him before "if you don't like it, you don't have to buy it"). I was actually kinda glad that it turned out that way because had it been good shit, I would have been feeling extremely shitty afterwards, which I really didn't. So, overall the night was okay & I was kinda glad that my stupid plan was semi-foiled.

I also FINALLY went back on my anti-depression med (Prozac) on Sunday night. I felt it really start to kick in yesterday. I tried going off of it a few times during my 15 years or so of taking it, and have always been relieved to go back on. I know I have actually made a shitload of progress in fighting off depression since then & I guess I always want to see if maybe I can do it without the drug. Hopefully I can get back on track now. I feel slightly more focused & I don't have the suicidal thoughts popping in periodically, so that's good. Ah, drugs - what would we do without them!