So Friday came around and I got the inevitable page from X & I responded immediately, of course. I was so distressed about the situation that he could just tell from my voice and asked me if I was sure I wanted to get together. I know I was less than enthused, but I wasn't gonna pass up a chance to get fucked up for free. I DID refrain from buying my own package/s this time. And a good thing, because the shit he got this time was not that good. These motherfuckers cut the shit more and more until people complain and stop buying, then *BAM*, all of the sudden the shit is really good again, and the cycle starts all over again until people complain again.
Whatever they mixed it with this time has not been sitting well with me. I've had a lot of trouble sleeping and with temperature control. For the past couple of nights, I've laid in bed either too cold to sleep with the sheets off me, or too hot to sleep with them on. Last night, every time I put the covers over me, I'd begin to sweat, then I'd take them off and I'd be freezing. I spent pretty much the whole night going back and forth with that shit.
Oh, I should probably mention that I got my letter from the fire department that contained my "lottery" number, which determines when I will be summoned for consideration. By my calculations of my shitty ass number, it will be at LEAST 5 years until I'm even considered. The whole time I've been waiting for that fucking number, I've been telling myself that I should not put all my eggs in that basket anyway. Now that I've finally got the stupid number, I realize that that was pretty much my ONLY basket. That was pretty much my last hope of ever making real money. It's over. By the time they get to me, I'll be too old, or with any luck, dead.
No, really, I've tried to put a positive "spin" on this shit, but I feel like I'm lying to myself when I do. I know there's very little chance of me ever being able to go back to school for anything because of the massive amount I owe and am in default with. Even if I did manage to get back in, I've got that goddamn undiagnosed learning disability. I KNOW it's there. If I were really stupid, I would admit it. I really would! But I know I'm not. I'm no genius, but I'm certainly not stupid. At this point, I'm praying for a miracle. I know they DO happen sometimes. Maybe the gods will smile upon me. So that's that. This has added to my distress.
I also contacted AJ upon her return from VA (now she tells me she was actually in NC). I told her that I didn't believe for a second that she was making her decision to never consider me again due to that stupid ass small mistake I made (I got her last name wrong while ringing her door bell, after not seeing her for months). She finally admitted, in a roundabout way, that she knew I was still doing shit with X. Fair enough. She's gone forever.
Hmmm...it's starting to make sense now why I've been so goddamn depressed lately.
Last night there was a CA (Cocaine Anonymous) meeting that my best friend turned me on to. I conveniently fell asleep. No, I didn't even fall asleep. I laid down with the intention of sleeping and missing it. I don't feel like doing ANYTHING. It took a great effort just to get my ass up to go grocery shopping about an hour ago. I've been trying to get myself to go to the gym and get a haircut. Good luck to me.
Wow, amazing, I wrote more than a couple paragraphs! There must be a shitload of shit on my mind.
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