Destroy Everything You Touch

I'm starting this one out with a thanks to "outcast5555..." for reminding me about the NA meetings! In my warped mind, I thought I had written about that, but it turns out I did not.

I did attend my first Chicago meeting the week before last & it actually went really well. The particular meeting I went to advertised that it was GLBT friendly, so that was an immediate attraction. It also advertised that they held meetings by candle light, which was very much my taste. I got a few numbers afterwards, then my social anxiety kicked in full force, and I had to go. The girl sitting next to me was particularly very friendly to me and was encouraging me to participate (no sexual attraction...I think she was lesbian anyway). I'd LOVE to have someone like that as a sponsor. That's what I need. Someone who I click with, who is kind of in my face about things. Only certain people could pull that off with me. I don't think they let co-ed sponsorship happen anyway. Maybe they do, I dunno.

Fast forward to last weekend...I had what I believe to be the longest coke binge I've ever had. I fucking snorted for roughly 26 hours straight. I bought two large bags for myself, and after X left, I kept doing it and watching porn. Of course, as I'm doing it I use the excuse of chasing the elusive orgasm, but I'm really doing it as an excuse to do more fucking coke. Typical bullshit. Told myself I was only going to do a couple lines from one of the bags. Yea fucking right. I did 1.5 bags by myself in addition to what I did with X & the only reason I stopped was that it actually started making my headache worse (big surprise).

When Sunday rolled around, I made myself go out with the girl I've been dating because I blew her off 2 times in a row already because I was too fucked up to go out. Luckily, we had planned to go out for drinks! Yea, I was miserable the whole fucking time and had to cut it short. As an extra bonus, one of these pussy ass meter maids gave me a ticket! Motherfuckers! I HATE them! I hope people start shooting your fucking asses! I'm not kidding, I really wish that on them. Right in the fucking head. Apparently, you can't park for free even on fucking Sundays now. Pieces of shit...DIE! DIE! DIE!

Anyway, I saw my therapist today & he's quite worried about me. My eyes actually started to tear during the session. That does not happen much at all! He strongly recommended that I attend 4 NA meetings a week and find a sponsor. This is going to be hard, but it may work. I'm running out of ideas...and time.

A song has been stuck in my head since last night. "Destroy Everything You Touch" by Ladytron. Holy fucking shit, that describes me to the letter. They're singing about ME, lol! I don't have anyone close because I cut everyone off before they hurt me. It's my fucking theme song, and the video is amazing!