Lord Zack v.s. The Red Swarm

It's been slightly better lately. I still mostly hate my life and feel trapped, but I'm able to laugh some, unlike last week. My mom brought up this idea again that she has of opening up a bed and breakfast in South America. It's tempting because of the distance I'd be away from all the shit and it would be nice to be in control of how much I make. But I think it's too dangerous and I also know that there's part of me that would not WANT to leave this life. This has happened every other time I've tried to "quit". I can go without it for a max of about 2 months, then the crave just gets too strong and I find my way back.

I'm also aware that this is absolutely incompatible with ANY sort of serious relationship with ANYONE, which means I'm pretty much doomed to a lonely rest of my life. I don't see how it could possibly turn out any other way as long as this crave exists.

I suppose it doesn't help that I stopped taking my Prozac five months ago because I couldn't afford to see a Dr. to renew my prescription. I decided to see how life would be off it once I ran out. Maybe it's time to go back on it. Still, even the great Zack can't stop the "Red Swarm".

I feel a sense of great urgency to DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS, but no idea on how to fight it. So I just live day by day, frustrated, depressed and friendless.

OH, and I've been trying to hook up with a therapist at a local center which is friendly to LBGT people, and finally after 2 weeks of red tape, my assigned therapist calls me, and I got a bad vibe from him. He seemed like he was being forced to do something when he called me to make the appointment. WTF??