Longest Break EVER!

WOW, it's been a long time! I've completely stopped writing in my paper journal because other people simply cannot be trusted not to go through it. Like pretty much everything, I've learned that the hard way, lol.
I'll give you the last year or so summed up in a nutshell:

Just before I moved out of Squeaky's place, I started seeing this other girl, AJ. Heart of gold, shell and tongue of steel (spiked too!). We've had a pretty bumpy relationship for about a year now, but one thing I can tell you without a doubt about her is that she is trying harder to work things out with me and within herself than any other girl I've ever been in a relationship with. Also, she loves me very very much and the feelings are mutual. She has a daughter, whom is very sweet and we get along great. She is 7. We all lived together in Chicago for almost a year, but I was still dealing with the tail end of my whole stupid thing with Mr. X and coke. We all went through absolute hell, and it's actually amazing that we're still together (after many breakups, of course, lol). We both did some horrible things to each other, but we both know our love is very deep...even deeper than our own personal issues. We plan on getting married on 6-6-12.
As for me, I live in Southern Wisconsin now. I moved up here because everyone else in my band lives here, including my longtime best friend and guitarist, DS. I actually just moved in at the beginning of this month. I had just bought an AWESOME car, which was stolen in Chicago literally the night before I was bringing the last of my stuff up here. It was a huge blow, but I'm holding my head high and have had nothing but great support from those around me. As one can imagine, I was completely freaked out at first (and homicidal, of course...I'll still KILL whoever took my car if I ever find out). My drive to work from here is 1.5 hours minimum (I still work in Chicago). Luckily, I got my shifts down to 2 a week (I work a 24 on one day), so it's not that bad...unless you don't have a CAR!!! Again, luckily, DS has been nice enough to let me use his car until I can find another one.
As far as the band, we are doing very well. Everything seems to be coming together actually. I see the car theft thing as a test of my will. I've passed this test and I'm ready for the next.
When I was looking for places here, i was very specific as to where I wanted to live (downtown, by the lake, and close to DS). I got rejected about 30 times because I have a dog. I really started to lose hope until the last minute (literally DAYS before my move), DS found a place. It's where I live now, and it's AWESOME!!! I've got me a HUGE 2 bedroom with two bathrooms in the heart of downtown, 2 blocks away from the lake and a 5 minute walk from DS's place. But, even more exciting is the fact that when I first walked in this place, I noticed the gigantic living room space, and thought "Wow, this would be GREAT for a rehearsal spot!". Well, we're rehearsing here now and it's worked out perfectly so far!
Ah, yes, the coke issue. As I mentioned before, I was still doing it while I was living in Chicago with Mr. X, but nowhere near as much as I used to. 3 times a month at most. This was during a time when AJ and I agreed to have an open relationship with people of the same sex. She found out about the coke use through my paper journal, hell was raised, and the rest is history. I've been completely clean of it for over a month now, and have had no problem doing so. Mr. X does try to contact me here and there, but I just ignore him. He really pissed me off last time we hooked up, so it actually makes it easier to ignore him. All I have to do is think about the incident, lol. I think that as long as that fucker is out of the picture, I'll be just fine. Wow, it feels good to write again, lol! Peace.

Moderation Man

Been doing pretty good lately (hence my lack of posts!). Been working on music & keeping my partying down to about once a week, which was my goal. I did hook up with Idiot last night, but it was only for a few hours & I was fine with that. I'm supposed to go up and pick up the rest of my music gear from my ex-drummer in Wisconsin tonight. There's a chance I may not go though because Squeaky bought Metallica tickets for tonight & her friend that's supposed to go with her may cancel 'cause she's sick. She originally asked me if I wanted to go and, although they are one of my all-time favs, the last time I went to a show, we almost got into 3 fights all in one night! I guess that's what happens when there's that much testosterone flyin' around, lol. Anyway, I go to shows to have a good time, not to start shit - wtf is the point of that?
There WAS a small incident last night though. While I was partying with Idiot, I sent Squeaky a text asking her if she could give us one more hour (he showed up late, as usual). She said it was fine, but when she came home she was all pissy, so I called her on it. She said that she did not mind, but she just wanted to be home. I told her that it was obvious that she DID mind by her behavior. I pointed out that we are both passive aggressive (she actually laughed when I said that & I started to as well, lol) and we need to watch out for that shit. I told her that even though she's telling herself that she does not mind, subconsciously she does & it's just going to build up until it explodes again. I told her that I do not want that to happen again. I told her to please just say so if she disagrees next time. Hopefully she will.

The Idiot's Guide to GPS

I did not expect to hear from N.S. this week. Last time we hooked up, I tried to wake him up in the morning, but he was in deep sleep. So I took off & took the rest of the coke with me (technically it was mine - I just had not paid him for it yet, which basically means he's not getting paid, lol. Yea, I'm an ass, lol.) Anyway, I thought that, since I had not heard from him in over a week, he was pissed. Maybe he was, but he called Thursday & was like nothing happened, so hey - whatever. We ended up hooking up the following night. The shit was pretty damn good & the crash afterward did not include the standard deep bout of depression, so I was happy about that. In fact, it took less than 24 hours for my sinuses to recover. Good shit, man!
Now let me explain why I'm an ass to him. Basically he's a friggin idiot! He and I have been playing for about 8 years now & I think he's been on time maybe 10 times during that whole period! I'm not even exaggerating. It's like impossible for him to get from point A to point B without doing a bunch of bullshit in between. Now, most of the stops that are done in between could all be done in one shot, but that's rarely how it goes because his dumb ass forgets and either has to go back or find another place. And he whines a lot (I'm talking much more than I do!). He'll FINALLY get here, then start complaining about some shit that I have nothing to do with & I'm thinking "shut the fuck up already & let's get this shit started!!". Oh, and just one more thing I have to bring up that happened this weekend with him. He is the only mother fucker I know that can make a wrong turn & not realize until he's 6 miles off track...USING A GPS SYSTEM!!! How the fuck do you get that far off your intended route while using a working goddamn GPS??? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGGH!!! *Deep breaths* Needless to say, the only reason I still hook up with him is because of the coke. It's pathetic. I know.
Anyway, so here I am almost fully recovered & preparing myself for the return of the aunt & uncle. I'm dreading this. I have to tell them that I quit, then that I'm thinking of moving back to Chicago. This will undoubtedly cause an uproar with my family. They just came back from FL and DID visit my mom and dad. I would find it surprising if a conversation did not come up about my cocaine use. If my aunt did not know how bad it had gotten in Chicago, she will know now. M.U. keeps telling me not to worry because I'm an adult & I can do whatever I want. I know, but there is still a tremendous amount of pressure on me.
Of course, M.U. has her own reasons for wanting me to move back. She tells me she loves me every time she sees me & I know she does. Yea, I DO love her back, but I can't say it to her - at least not yet. I'm still scarred like a mother fucker from my previous relationship, and not to mention she shit M.U. herself did before our big break-up. I really do feel like she actually "gets" me though. I can't say that about many people at all. I know I'm virtually impossible to deal with & she deals anyway. She's a sweet girl, but can be a real irrational cunt when she's pissed. I guess we all can. I just don't want to go back there and get myself into the same situation that I worked so hard to get away from. If there was something that changed, I would be less hesitant, but I can't think of much that has. If N.S. is still in the picture (which he will be), it's going to be very difficult to keep that from happening again, unless I occupy myself with other stuff. That's the only thing that may be able to save me. If I work & start school up there, that may be the key. Roll on, roller-fucking-coaster!

From "blah" to "baaaaah!"

These past couple of days have been kind of just "blah". I guess I should mention that I went to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting on Monday. I was pretty interesting, but not too much different than the group I went to in FL. There were a couple newbies there besides myself, so I guess I was a bit more comfortable in that sense. One thing that bugs me about the group is that they are of the mindset that the ONLY was is to completely stop doing ALL drugs, including your weekend drinks. I disagree with that philosophy. I think that to stop everything completely is going to intensify the crave even more. It's like those health food maniacs that never ever eat anything considered "junk food". I think it's actually healthier to have that bacon burger or ice cream every once in a while. Moderation is the key. That's my theory and I'm sticking to it, damn-it! Now if I could just get myself to do these things the way I say, I would be just fine. Anyway, I was close to going back today but decided not to. I think the main reason I wanted to go back was to connect with people. Hmmm...it WAS nice to connect. But I think I can find a group to connect with in a different context. Another thing that bugs me about their philosophy is that they consider anyone who has ever been addicted an addict for life. I think that there are more healthy ways of looking at it. I've often contemplated changing the name of this blog for that very reason. But, I still feel that my addiction is still the main theme here. Perhaps I'll change it when I feel differently. This paradoxical world we live in drives me mad. Sometimes it's nice to do drugs just to stop thinking already!
I've not cut things off with GH quite yet. I know I probably should have, but it's been nice to have someone to go out with. The intimacy is nice too, but I know it's just going to deepen things. We went out to eat for a while tonight, then went back to her place. She made it clear that she wanted to know me better before we had sex again. Yea, that usually works BEFORE the first time you have sex! Anyway, I'm not that worried about it because the attraction factor is still lacking somewhat for me. Trust me, I'm not looking to date a super-model. If fact, I'd probably never date a model because I would just be too annoyed with her. But there is a certain level of attraction that I think is necessary between two people for a long-term thing. I suppose I'm still comparing any girl I date to my ex-fiance. God, the feelings I still get when I think about her are not pleasant. After 4 years, I'm still hurting. I wonder if she is too. Probably not - she turned into a total cunt anyway. Fuck her!

Stranger in a Strange Land

I just finished my first run (treadmill) since I got sick. Sometimes I forget how much that really affects my mood. Fighting depression was the main reason I started integrating cardiovascular exercise into my routine in the first place. I'm feeling better than I did yesterday.
I got a call from my realtor yesterday informing me that the people who own the condo I was looking into buying are offering it to me for 20k less than what I offered. Wow. I'm trying to figure out a plan where I can get the money for a down payment & get a loan. So far, it's looking promising, but you never know. It's strange how this affects me psychologically. When I start thinking about buying my own place & paying dues, etc. (basically being responsible again!), I get a sense of hope as far as living a "normal" life again. I'd like to think that I've gained some wisdom from the shit I've been through these past few years. Perhaps I'm better prepared to deal with a conventional world while remaining a "free spirit" (I can't stand that term, but it does describe me). I'm especially referring to my new job, which I will start next month. Who knows, maybe I'll get lucky and get put with a cool partner. It's happened in the past. I'm still nervous as hell.
Oh, and as far as GH...I've kinda sorta blew her off this weekend. I just don't think we're a match. I feel bad, but dragging it out is worse. Maybe I'm just not ready.

I am The Lord of Chaos

I returned home at about 11am or so from partying with MU all night. I have to admit that it was fun as hell! I don't like having, once again, to make up stories about where I'm going & all that jazz. I actually told them I was going out again with GH, the girl I had the date with last week (more on her later). I also figured that I would be feeling pretty shitty for the next couple of days and not wanting to start work tomorrow. So, using my razor sharp memory (NOT!), I remembered that the job had offered me to start either tomorrow or on Dec. 1st and that they also knew I was dealing with a bout of bronchitis. Yea, you know where this is going! So, needless to say, I've arranged for the later start date. In my lazy ass good-for-nothing junkie defense, I still DO feel mildly ill with the bronchitis. I've already perfected (hopefully) the story I'm going to tell my family as to why I'm not starting tomorrow. These people are no dummies, so I've got to make sure my story is flawless. So far, I think it is. Yea, I suck.
Back to GH, as promised: "Daft Dragon", you were right - she IS still interested. I knew I should have gotten a female opinion before jumping to conclusions, lol. I checked my yahoo IM today & apparently she has been trying to send me messages on there, but I had not checked until today. We chatted online for a while. She's supposed to call me tonight.
I should also mention that MU, before she left this morning told me she loved me again and was crying because she did not want to leave *sigh*. The world, to me, is absurdly confusing. I'm talking tax return papers X like 999 trillion. I often wonder if most people feel like this. They either don't, or do a really good job of hiding their confusion. It does not help that I can't focus on anything for more than 5 seconds. LOCUST! See?

Psycho Killer, Qu'est Que Ce'st - fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa...

I'm at the tail end of my bronchitis bout. I could have probably worked out today, but hey - I'm taking it easy.
So I get this message out of the blue in my e-mail box from this girl from a dating website I've not paid much attention to. I usually don't think much of these messages when they come because they are usually from someone at least 400 miles away. This girl is actually in the same town. So, we exchanged a couple of messages and ended up IMimg for a while tonight. Towards the end of the convo, she asked if I wanted to do something on Wednesday night. I said that would be great. Now, part of me is asking why the fuck I'm even considering going on a date with her. Maybe I'm trying to test myself again. Let me explain.
I'm insane. Don't get me wrong, I'm not insane as in "I'm a serial killer", but I'm certainly not what most people would consider a "pillar of society". I've had sex with more people than most male rock stars and I've done just about as many drugs. I'm basically a rock star, minus the rock stardom, fame & money. And, I'm used to dating women who are rather psychotic themselves. I was bitten a long time ago & there's just no turning back...or is there? I guess that's my problem with this whole thing.
I'm trying to start something again with a "normal" girl. I HAVE tried this before & I know that the only way for it to actually work is for me to become "normal". Judging on past experience, I would conclude that that is improbable. It's funny, this girl says in her profile that she does not want to date any "freaks" - LMAO! She also states that she wants someone that can "deal with life's troubles". Well, I DO "deal" with them - just not as effectively as other people (plus my way just seems more interesting, lol). I suspect that I may just be one of those people who need more stimulation than average. That would explain a LOT.
Anyway, my point is that I think that I'm doing this to try and stabilize my life as well as for companionship. I try to convince myself that maybe now that I'm older, I can do this.
The last "normal" girl I dated was the girl I almost married. I was going to, but the guilt from being the way I am just would not let me.
Oh, and in the meantime, as I started to mention in my last entry, my ex still thinks we're an item! Yea, she's one of the psycho ones, as you may have guessed. I left her over a year ago after she got physically violent with me (I don't hit girls) & tried to break up my best friend and I. We still have gotten fucked up and had sex though since the breakup. I guess she's seeing that as us being back together. I seriously need to find some herb!

Nice, nice. Flotation device.

Man, these psychotropic drugs can do some weird shit sometimes. So, I kept on being depressed for hours after I posted my last entry & all of the sudden, I felt like I could work out. I went to my weight bench, and vaboom! I had a pretty damn good workout! I'm feeling better now - definitely more confident and focused. I have a clearer picture of how to work this whole thing out & I don't feel completely trapped right now, which is a HUGE relief. I've been wanting, but procrastinating, to talk to MU about possibly trying to work things out. I know she wants to & I know she would be ecstatic. When I left here, she said and did some really bad things that hurt a lot, but I have to take part of the blame for driving her to that. I tend to drive people around me crazy. Another of my wonderful talents! Anyway, she's one of those rare people that you may or may not ever meet who just thinks the sun shines out of your ass (stealing a line from Juno) no matter what you do. She seriously thinks the world of me (for whatever reason).

Trouble in Paradise

Well, what's a relationship without a little drama, right? Last night, The Troll (my dad's wife, who is part owner of the place my new girlfriend lives in) made my girlfriend cry by intentionally saying some very nasty and calculating things. She (my girlfriend, we will call "ML") called me crying and I gave her my full support and vowed revenge on The Troll. ML came over this morning and we made love again, and mutually used the "L" word for the first time. I called my dad to tell him that I was NOT going to come by today because I did not feel comfortable around The Troll. We talked about what happened last night, and what I found out from him was very disappointing. First, he is convinced that ML is an alcoholic. I sort of suspected it at first, but when I told ML that The Troll was calling her an alcoholic, she took offense and denied it. However, there could be some good evidence to the contrary. My dad says that ML drank almost all his alcohol and has had to hide it from her. Also, one day when I was there, ML had bought them both bottles of Jack Daniels out of the blue (an admission of guilt?). Secondly, I found out that ML is 13 years older than me, and 10 years older than she told me she was! When my dad told me that, I did not believe him, but just to check, he went and looked at her rental application where they had a copy of her driver's license, and there it was - born in 1960. That makes her 48 next month! Last, but not least, I foud out that she has come on to my dad 3 times in the past. And, the last time apparently was pretty bad according to my dad (he spared me the details). I'm in a state of shock and disappointment. I've tried calling my best friend (RM), but cannot get in touch with her. To top things off, it has been raining cats and dogs outside. Gotta have a little visual effect, I guess.