Fucking Ape

So before my weekend began, I decided to check my email account (the one I sent X the letter from). To my surprise, there was a reply, but not from him. It was an error reply telling me that the recipient could not be reached at that address. Well, that explains why X just went about things as if nothing had happened! I've sent him similar emails before, so maybe he just decided to block ME on that account. "Fucking ape", as my cousin used to say.

Needless to say, I hooked up with him on Friday again. It was not a long session. He claimed he had to leave early due to work the next morning, so we didn't do that much blow. I was actually well enough on Sunday to go to the gym and do a full workout (weights and cardio).

Nonetheless, I'm depressed as fuck again. What the fuck am I going to tell my shrink? Last time we had a session, he talked about how maybe he was not the right therapist for me due to the lack of progress. He's right. What the hell am i supposed to talk about on Wednesday? How I failed to resist again? I'm considering cancelling or just giving up therapy all together.

In the meantime, the girl I was dating became pretty upset about me not pursuing her any further. I feel bad about it. I'm back to being lonely as hell on top of miserable. Great.

Magic Jackass, Bloody Sunday

The weekend started out well, and remained well until Sunday night. Friday, I went out on a third date with someone, which went okay. Saturday was my cousin's birthday party, which was basically a big bong smoking party, lol! Sunday was going great. I cooked a new recipe, which turned out decently, organized, cleaned, then played some God of War II.

But then, at approximately 7:15pm (right about the time X usually gets coke), my MAGIC JACK phone rings! Shit!!! I KNEW it was him without even looking. My body instantly felt very cold and the acids in my stomach burned my GI tract. I paced around, turned up the heat, and paced around some more. I started rationalizing in my head: "Maybe it's NOT that bad", "Maybe I DON'T really want to stop, as my shrink has suggested", "Maybe I AM gay", "Maybe just this one last time"...yea, I've told myself that one before. FUCK!!!

After about 5 minutes, I checked the voice mail. It was as if I had never sent him that email. "Hey, just wondering if you're around. Give me a call". About 5 minutes later, I did call. He answered just as nonchalantly. He started telling me he wanted to get together but that he was broke and didn't know if he could get much coke, and was about to give "The Man" a call. I told him to find out what was going on, then call me back.

When he called back, he said that The Man was not going to be around that night and if I could do something the next day. I told him no. Then he said he could probably scrape up enough for a little party from empty bags. I told him no. Then he said we could just try next week.

After I hung up, I considered calling my dealer, but decided it was just too much damn effort.

I'm now really starting to think that I really don't WANT to stop. What in the FUCK am I supposed to do??? On top of this, he's got fucking HIV, and that's STILL not enough to fucking stop me??? WTF is wrong with me???

Bring it.

So last weekend may be the last one that I mess around with X. I had promised my therapist that I was going to tell X that I no longer wanted to see him. Nonetheless I hooked up with him on Friday and was too fucking depressed to make it to my best friend's Halloween party & I felt horrible. This had an extra powerful effect due to the fact that the exact same damn thing had happened a couple weeks before with my other friend's going away party. What the hell kind of friend was I being?? What the hell kind of life was I living where all I looked forward to was getting fucked up and treated like shit by X, then being depressed for the rest of the weekend?

I have to give credit to my therapist who was really starting to "threaten" to start to be real hard on me. I'm not gonna lie. The dude kind of scares me! But that's probably a good thing. So, that pressure was on me as well.

So, on Monday, I sent X and email explaining how it was affecting me physically and mentally and that I had to be done with him. It took me a good couple of hours to hit the "send" button, but I did it. I didn't stop there though. I wanted to make sure that he could not contact me on my phone, so I had his number blocked. That's the first time I've ever done that. Of course, he could still get in touch through the email, but I've not checked that account since. It's been exactly a week.

It's on.

Cold Theme

I've been trying to post on here lately, but I've been too damn depressed to even do that. Even though I'm up to 30mg now on the Prozac, this depression is getting worse. Despite "demands" from my therapist to go to NA meetings, find a sponsor and to tell X that it's over, I've not done anything. I've kept the weekly binge schedule, although we did less this weekend, but that's not making a difference. The fact that I could not resist is what's bringing me down, I'm quite sure. I got fucked up on Friday, and Saturday was my best friend's Halloween party, which I skipped because I was feeling like shit. I told myself I would not miss her party. I failed.

This is not me. This is not who I am. I've not gone to the gym. I'm walking around with an angry frown on my face whenever I'm outside. I don't like this at all.

To make matters worse, my shitty ass building has been without hot water for the last 2 days. I fucking hate this place. I guess the 3 weeks without cooking gas wasn't enough. And this stupid ass bitch who moved in upstairs (who walks loudly and constantly on the hardwood floors) is irritating me. I looked like the hot water heater got fixed last night because I tested it and the water was no longer freezing like the water from the cold side. So what does this dumbfuck upstairs do? She runs the fucking water all night thinking that's going to help it heat up! When I woke up, she was still running the fucking water, so I had to fill my tub up pan by pan of boiling water. By the time there was enough for me to get in, I noticed the hot water was finally starting to work again.

I'm seriously thinking about moving down to FL again.

Zack is Back for the Counter Attack

Last week, I went down to FL to visit my family. It rained the whole time I was down there, but it was nice to see everyone and it was nice to have a reason to stay clean that week.

I started thinking about moving down there again just to be close to everyone. I dunno. It's a consideration.

I canceled my therapy appointment the week before I left because I simply ran out of time to prepare for the trip. When I came in the next week (this was the first time we were meeting on a Wednesday rather than a Monday), my therapist (DM) told me that one of the reasons he switched my days was because Wednesdays would be in the middle of the week and not right after my weekend binges. He thought maybe there would be a difference in my mood...and there was, but not what he expected. He said I actually looked more depressed than usual. Wonderful.

Well, there's still hope though. Just before my session, I stopped at the pharmacy to FINALLY get my prescription for Prozac (SEVEN fucking weeks to see a Doctor with this United Healthcare bullshit insurance! I imagine many patients end up killing themselves within the time it takes to see a fucking psychiatrist!). So, the next morning I started on the low dose of 10mg, and over a month I'm to work my way up to 40. I could have sworn I felt the effects the same day I started taking it, but that was probably just the 'ol placebo effect. Nonetheless, I succeeded in counteracting the effects this past weekend by going on another coke binge with X, and then by myself afterwards.

I also ended up blowing off my good friend from college as she was having a going away party (leaving the country again). I feel like such a piece of shit for that. I'm losing what little is left of my friends. This has got to stop now.

The Skiing Hindu

I gave in again on Friday night (big surprise there). Part of the problem is I've become so friendless that I'm left with absolutely nothing to do on my days off. Actually, I DID have something to do. My mom was in town and wanted me to see her at my family's place where she was staying. I told her I was too tired to go. I suck.

After X left, I opened the package I had bought from him and kept snorting and watching porn all night...but wait! That wasn't enough, because a couple hours into it, I hired that call girl I was so impressed with last time! It was pretty much the same thing this time. I got semi-hard, then totally lame for the rest of the time. She seemed tired too (it was pretty late). Basically, I just blew $260 for nothing. The one semi-saving grace is that I came 4 times. Once with X and 3 times watching porn. What an awesome life I live <---sarcasm.

I FINALLY got this damn book I ordered from Amazon called "The Power of the Dharma". I've been interested in a long time in Sanatana Dharma (Hinduism) & so far it seems to be right up my alley. Based on everything I've learned studying different philosophies, I think this may actually be one that I stick with.

I skipped the last NA meeting. No excuse, just did.

There is a Light That Never Goes Out

Another weekend is coming to a close here & I guess you could say I've improved slightly. No, I did not resist temptation on Friday night, but the "coke" we got was some of the worst shit I've ever tried. Like it was such shit that I actually returned it to Mr. X and he gave me my $ back. On top of selling us a bunch of fake ass bullshit, the fucker wanted to charge us more for it because they were larger than normal packages. Yea, fucking great, so you're charging us more for a large package of fucking baking soda? Fuck you! I hope someone gets whacked for cutting it. Assholes.

Anyway, needless to say, I did not get too fucked up, so I was actually functional the next day.

I went to another NA meeting on Wednesday & actually got my white key chain this time (symbol of someone who is at least trying). Everyone clapped enthusiastically when I got up to get it. It was actually pretty cool! PN, the girl I mentioned last time gave me a big hug afterwards and said "thanks for coming!". It was quite nice.

On Saturday, I called her just to talk and get a little more familiar with her and the program itself. Turns out she was in a similar situation as I was in '08. She lived with an abusive girlfriend who had her hooked on heroin. I think she threw the girlfriend thing in there to make sure I knew she is a lesbian, lol! I'm actually glad she is, because right now I need a friend more than anything. There was another guy there that spoke to me for a bit before I left the last meeting who seems really cool. I swear, this may just be the thing I need to finally get the fuck out of this mess.

I also went back to the gym (finally) after two weeks of being too fucked up to do it. It feels good, although I still feel sluggish.

Destroy Everything You Touch

I'm starting this one out with a thanks to "outcast5555..." for reminding me about the NA meetings! In my warped mind, I thought I had written about that, but it turns out I did not.

I did attend my first Chicago meeting the week before last & it actually went really well. The particular meeting I went to advertised that it was GLBT friendly, so that was an immediate attraction. It also advertised that they held meetings by candle light, which was very much my taste. I got a few numbers afterwards, then my social anxiety kicked in full force, and I had to go. The girl sitting next to me was particularly very friendly to me and was encouraging me to participate (no sexual attraction...I think she was lesbian anyway). I'd LOVE to have someone like that as a sponsor. That's what I need. Someone who I click with, who is kind of in my face about things. Only certain people could pull that off with me. I don't think they let co-ed sponsorship happen anyway. Maybe they do, I dunno.

Fast forward to last weekend...I had what I believe to be the longest coke binge I've ever had. I fucking snorted for roughly 26 hours straight. I bought two large bags for myself, and after X left, I kept doing it and watching porn. Of course, as I'm doing it I use the excuse of chasing the elusive orgasm, but I'm really doing it as an excuse to do more fucking coke. Typical bullshit. Told myself I was only going to do a couple lines from one of the bags. Yea fucking right. I did 1.5 bags by myself in addition to what I did with X & the only reason I stopped was that it actually started making my headache worse (big surprise).

When Sunday rolled around, I made myself go out with the girl I've been dating because I blew her off 2 times in a row already because I was too fucked up to go out. Luckily, we had planned to go out for drinks! Yea, I was miserable the whole fucking time and had to cut it short. As an extra bonus, one of these pussy ass meter maids gave me a ticket! Motherfuckers! I HATE them! I hope people start shooting your fucking asses! I'm not kidding, I really wish that on them. Right in the fucking head. Apparently, you can't park for free even on fucking Sundays now. Pieces of shit...DIE! DIE! DIE!

Anyway, I saw my therapist today & he's quite worried about me. My eyes actually started to tear during the session. That does not happen much at all! He strongly recommended that I attend 4 NA meetings a week and find a sponsor. This is going to be hard, but it may work. I'm running out of ideas...and time.

A song has been stuck in my head since last night. "Destroy Everything You Touch" by Ladytron. Holy fucking shit, that describes me to the letter. They're singing about ME, lol! I don't have anyone close because I cut everyone off before they hurt me. It's my fucking theme song, and the video is amazing!

Please, not again

It's certainly feeling like I'm slipping back again. X wasn't available until Sunday night over the weekend, so I broke down and called my old dealer (who is an ass to me), half expecting not to hear back from him. Well, he got back and I bought. So now I'm starting to buy my own shit in addition to what X gives me...just like back in '08. I'm fucking scared.

I did the shit I bought and hired a hooker who did some with me. She was okay, but nothing special. Then I found some guys on the website. This was Saturday. Then, just as I'm starting to recover, BAM! Now I'm partying with Mr. X. In anticipation of being fucked up today, I called Sunday and cancelled today's appointment with my new therapist. What a great start I'm off to. I'm at a complete loss. I really don't know what to do any more. Any serious suggestions (especially from former addicts) would be appreciated. I feel like I've tried everything except for actual rehab. My best friend suggested outpatient rehab, but I'm not exactly sure how that works. I imagine you have to go through the emergency room first, which is not an option for me because the chances of me being recognized at any of them are high.

My life appears, once again, to be revolving around coke. This is bad. Very bad.

Going Down Now

I've sunk into a level of depression I've not experienced in a long time. I cancelled my date with this new girl I've been seeing (mild attraction) because one of my exes (lots of attraction) called and said she was going to try and see me today for her birthday (coincidentally Labour Day). She's flaky as hell & I fully expect to be blown off, and so far my expectations appear to be well founded. Thinking ahead, I stopped by an ATM on the way back from the gym for the possibility of hiring an escort. I met one a couple weeks ago who blew my mind. She was expensive, but easily the best I've ever had as far as call girls. I was so fucked up though when I met her that I could not get hard. I'm kinda hoping she's around tonight. Seems like all the others pale by comparison. Even if that does happen, or if I see one that's as appealing as is she, I don't know if I'm even going to call. I'm just so goddamn depressed, I'm not sure I'd even enjoy it much. I'm actually quite attractive & I shouldn't have to be doing this, but I do. Maybe it's the thrill. Who the fuck knows.

I've not reached the point of suicidal thoughts, but I feel like I'm dancing along that edge. I need some hope. I need my fucking Prozac!!

The Struggle to Keep Hope Alive

Yea, so the NA meeting went great! I got stoned about 3 hours before it started and figured I'd be okay by the time I had to go. Guess what! I wasn't, so I didn't go. Shocker, huh?

So Friday came around and I got the inevitable page from X & I responded immediately, of course. I was so distressed about the situation that he could just tell from my voice and asked me if I was sure I wanted to get together. I know I was less than enthused, but I wasn't gonna pass up a chance to get fucked up for free. I DID refrain from buying my own package/s this time. And a good thing, because the shit he got this time was not that good. These motherfuckers cut the shit more and more until people complain and stop buying, then *BAM*, all of the sudden the shit is really good again, and the cycle starts all over again until people complain again.

Whatever they mixed it with this time has not been sitting well with me. I've had a lot of trouble sleeping and with temperature control. For the past couple of nights, I've laid in bed either too cold to sleep with the sheets off me, or too hot to sleep with them on. Last night, every time I put the covers over me, I'd begin to sweat, then I'd take them off and I'd be freezing. I spent pretty much the whole night going back and forth with that shit.

Oh, I should probably mention that I got my letter from the fire department that contained my "lottery" number, which determines when I will be summoned for consideration. By my calculations of my shitty ass number, it will be at LEAST 5 years until I'm even considered. The whole time I've been waiting for that fucking number, I've been telling myself that I should not put all my eggs in that basket anyway. Now that I've finally got the stupid number, I realize that that was pretty much my ONLY basket. That was pretty much my last hope of ever making real money. It's over. By the time they get to me, I'll be too old, or with any luck, dead.

No, really, I've tried to put a positive "spin" on this shit, but I feel like I'm lying to myself when I do. I know there's very little chance of me ever being able to go back to school for anything because of the massive amount I owe and am in default with. Even if I did manage to get back in, I've got that goddamn undiagnosed learning disability. I KNOW it's there. If I were really stupid, I would admit it. I really would! But I know I'm not. I'm no genius, but I'm certainly not stupid. At this point, I'm praying for a miracle. I know they DO happen sometimes. Maybe the gods will smile upon me. So that's that. This has added to my distress.

I also contacted AJ upon her return from VA (now she tells me she was actually in NC). I told her that I didn't believe for a second that she was making her decision to never consider me again due to that stupid ass small mistake I made (I got her last name wrong while ringing her door bell, after not seeing her for months). She finally admitted, in a roundabout way, that she knew I was still doing shit with X. Fair enough. She's gone forever.

Hmmm...it's starting to make sense now why I've been so goddamn depressed lately.

Last night there was a CA (Cocaine Anonymous) meeting that my best friend turned me on to. I conveniently fell asleep. No, I didn't even fall asleep. I laid down with the intention of sleeping and missing it. I don't feel like doing ANYTHING. It took a great effort just to get my ass up to go grocery shopping about an hour ago. I've been trying to get myself to go to the gym and get a haircut. Good luck to me.

Wow, amazing, I wrote more than a couple paragraphs! There must be a shitload of shit on my mind.

Massive Counterattack

Yea, so that same night I was so happy about finding out my new therapist and I were going to click, I must have REALLY pissed off evil because it came at me like a shit storm (Trailer Park Boys reference)!

I had a little over one bag of coke left and I decided I was going to "just do a couple lines" and watch some porn. As you guessed, one "a couple lines" turned into the entire fucking supply which lasted roughly 8 hours. And, as usual, I didn't even have a fucking orgasm.

Once I snorted the last line, I knew I was going to have to call off work and I just collapsed on my bed and actually began to cry (I don't do that often at all). My lack of control was so goddamn obvious, and I had let it defeat me once again. It was also obvious that it was starting to affect my work again (on top of the rest of my life). I felt completely alone and covered my face with my arms crossed over my eyes.

Of course I told myself that I was now determined to stop for good. I've told myself that before, but this felt different. I've told myself that before too. I'm still not giving up. I'm doing something about it.

Tonight, I'm attending my first Narcotics Anonymous meeting here in town. As I mentioned before, I tried them when I was down in FL with no success. I'm telling myself that I'm in a better position now since at least I don't have that fucking asshole to deal with when I get home. I have my own place now where I have some peace. And if this doesn't work, I will put myself into an outpatient rehab program. I HAVE to stop. I NEED my life back. Fuck this!

Pushing Back the Enemy Lines...

Get it? "Lines", hahaha! That was horrible, I know!

I had my first therapy session with the shrink I'll call "DM". As you recall, in my last hopeless episode, I was weary about this guy and was very skeptical to meet him. As it turns out, I like him a LOT!! As part of me suspected, his voice is just naturally deep and soft, and I must have interpreted that over the phone as being disinterested. I felt comfortable right away, and the place I'm going to (a place that caters specifically to the LBGT community) matched me up with him well. He also happens to have lots of experience, especially with drug addiction! When you sign up, they ask you what your preferences are. I told them that a bisexual male would be preferable, but not necessary. He assured me that we would get through this. It felt really good to hear that, and he was quite confident in his statement, which made me feel the same. There's HOPE!! Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!!!

After this one session, I've even gotten a little more comfortable with the idea of going back to school. That appears to be a far stretch at this point, but nonetheless, it certainly seems more possible now than it did before. It's also nice to feel less alone. This is a good day.

The Feel of Shit

I don't even feel like writing but, again, I feel the need to at least make my secret life known to SOMEBODY.

Once again I'm all fucked up from this weekend's binge. I bought $300 worth this time on top of what X gets. I actually started out by going to see MU first, then X, then watched a bunch of porn. It's totally out of fucking control. And, it's become what I look forward to on the weekends. I know this is not normal and I know it's destroying me. I did that shit until my nose bled & then some. The things I do are disgusting and make me disgusted with myself.

Someone commented on my last post that I should check out AA. I tried NarcAnon when I was down in FL and it did not seem like it was going to work for me. I know there is an AA meeting place literally 2 blocks from here, so it wouldn't hurt to check it out. I've heard nothing but good things about them.

I'm seeing my therapist for the first time tomorrow. I really hope he's not a tool. He called me last week to tell me (in a less-than enthused voice) that he had been assigned to me and was calling to set up an appointment. Why the fuck would you become a therapist...ok I'll stop. Maybe...hopefully...he was just having a bad day or something.

I've not heard a word from AJ since she left on vacation. I'm thinking she may have started that last argument on purpose. I need to just let her go...I think.

Lord Zack v.s. The Red Swarm

It's been slightly better lately. I still mostly hate my life and feel trapped, but I'm able to laugh some, unlike last week. My mom brought up this idea again that she has of opening up a bed and breakfast in South America. It's tempting because of the distance I'd be away from all the shit and it would be nice to be in control of how much I make. But I think it's too dangerous and I also know that there's part of me that would not WANT to leave this life. This has happened every other time I've tried to "quit". I can go without it for a max of about 2 months, then the crave just gets too strong and I find my way back.

I'm also aware that this is absolutely incompatible with ANY sort of serious relationship with ANYONE, which means I'm pretty much doomed to a lonely rest of my life. I don't see how it could possibly turn out any other way as long as this crave exists.

I suppose it doesn't help that I stopped taking my Prozac five months ago because I couldn't afford to see a Dr. to renew my prescription. I decided to see how life would be off it once I ran out. Maybe it's time to go back on it. Still, even the great Zack can't stop the "Red Swarm".

I feel a sense of great urgency to DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS, but no idea on how to fight it. So I just live day by day, frustrated, depressed and friendless.

OH, and I've been trying to hook up with a therapist at a local center which is friendly to LBGT people, and finally after 2 weeks of red tape, my assigned therapist calls me, and I got a bad vibe from him. He seemed like he was being forced to do something when he called me to make the appointment. WTF??

Never in a million years

I feel like things are going back towards rock bottom like they did in '08. I've been given extra hours lately at work, so what do I do with the extra $? You guessed it...cocaine! Last weekend it also included a hooker (who was amazing!) whom I may just see again, despite the high price.

I told myself that when I got back to Chicago, I'd make an effort to get out more. That has not happened. Shit, I tell myself a lot of things that never happen. If someone would have told me that this is where I'd be at my age, I would have laughed at them. But now I'm the one to be laughed at, or felt sorry for. I don't want to be this, but it is what I have become and have been for a long time now. I feel like a waste. I've been going through the long process of signing up for therapy again. My new therapist is supposed to call me next week. Maybe that will help. Who the fuck knows anymore.

I recently began talking to AJ again, but it's been the same shit. She told me last week that she was moving back to VA & that set off a terrible depression in me. Of course, I got all emotional and asked her to stay and all that shit. A day later, we're not talking again. I hate my life.

I have these fantasies about going somewhere exotic and completely starting a new life away from all the bullshit. But how the hell am I supposed to do that? I'm feeling very much trapped again. Now I'm getting a headache. More drugs, please.

Ironic Bullshit

Yea, so I changed my passcode and email a few months back and I didn't remember what I used...FUCK! I finall messed around with it some and I was able to figure it out. That was annoying!

Anyway, so I'm all moved back into Chicago. My place kind of sucks, but it was the only one that would accept my dog. Whatever. I've been seeing X pretty much on a weekly basis still.

I actually got a text from AJ a couple of weeks ago asking if I was still blocking her, lol. That lead to us going out again for a short time, but I absolutely could not keep myself in a relationship knowing that I can't stop X. I didn't tell her that, of course, I kind of made her break up with me. That's really sad in more ways than one. I think I'm seeing myself more like a sick individual lately. It seems like I've really decided that as long as I can't stop X, I won't let myself be in a relationship. I can't do that to someone again, and can't put myself in that position again. I won't do it.

I need to either stop now, or be single until I do. That's the ONLY way anything is ever going to work with me. I miss AJ. I feel like texting her. She wanted to hang out this past weekend. I told her I could not. Why? You know why. It's very sad. I'm very sad.

When I saw her last, she had matured as well. She no longer drinks every day and no longer feels the need to go out all of the time. It's like she is more like I wanted her to be now. Un-fucking-believable.

Operation Diamond Vision

Another weekend, another binge. After the last one, I started formulating this plan to rid myself of this shit once and for all. I have the basic elements mapped out, but still need some specifics. The plan should work in theory, but I know that the underlying cause is psychological, so some sort of therapy will more than likely be part of it.

Years ago, while researching various forms of Buddhism, I came across a form called "Diamond Way". One thing that stuck with me was the metaphor of using a diamond as the way your mind should be seeing the world. The diamond vision is one that is not distorted by anything (including drugs) and enables you to see the world just as it is. That's why I'm naming this operation as such. This battle has been going on for far too long and it is going to kill me if I don't defeat it very soon. My father said to me a couple of years ago that drugs impair your ability to make decisions, even when you're not high at the moment. I have found this to be true. Shit, 15 years ago I would have NEVER imagined I would be an unmarried sex-crazed lonely drug addict. Fucking never!

I'm determined to win this bloody battle. I will not go down like this. No fucking way!

God Help Me

I don't really feel like blogging, but I just wanted to report my last "incident". I went into Chicago Saturday night for what I thought was going to be a date. As it turns out, the girl I went to meet just wanted me to swing by for a few minutes, and had plans with a friend later. Whatever. So, what does my dumbass do? I call Mr. X (who I knew had to work in the morning) and asked if he could pick me up a package. He said he could. About 5min later, I called and asked if he could get me two instead. He did. I went to pick it up and we ended up fucking around for a bit, then I headed to the baths. Long story short: Lots of oral sex and coke until my body was to tired to go on. Incredibly, I had only gone through most of ONE package. I drove 70 miles back home, then pretty much watched porn and did the rest of the coke for the next 24 hours.

Needless to say, I feel like shit now. I've spent $500 on coke this month. That's the most ever. I don't want this shit anymore. I want this to be the last time. I no longer have enough money for a security deposit for my new place. I spent it because I knew that I could sell my music gear and get the cash back. Still, that's bullshit. I prayed to God last night to please help me. I want to be done.

Fuck, Fuck, and Away!

So, of course, the hooker was not enough for my sex-crazed ass this weekend so naturally, I hooked up with X. We partied for a few hours and apparently I turned him on so much (I WAS in an extra slutty mood, lol) that he came before he wanted to. Afterwards, he was insistent on leaving and said he didn't think he could go again. Incredibly, we had only gone through one of the bags of coke. I asked him if he could just wait for a little while to see if he was really done. That lasted about 10 minutes before he decided he was leaving for sure. I was disappointed, but he said he would leave me the other bag for myself so I could keep going with someone else if I wanted...SCORE!

He said he was just going to take a few lines for himself, which i discovered later was about half of the bag...FUCK. Anyway, I did end up hooking up with another dude later, but by that time I was so damn tired, I could barely do anything. I apologized to him and told him I'd make it up to him next time. I DID make him cum, but it just wasn't very exciting. He was cool about it though.

I've gotten better at dealing with the crash afterwards. Last night, I just made sure I kept thinking about sex the entire time (otherwise depressing thoughts tend to sink in). It worked for the most part. Still, later on, I wondered when this shit is going to end if ever. I wondered if this is how I'm going to die. I guess I'm having some fun at least. Still lonely as fuck though. I don't know if that will change. That's the thing that bothers me the most.

In Love with a Hooker

I've been looking for a sweet young man-pleaser lately. Today, I found one. She said she was nineteen & probably could have been. Most of these whores have an attitude and fucking them is like fucking a lifeless sex doll. This one was sweet and comfortable to be around. I spent half hour looking for her because she told me she was at a Super 8 motel when she meant to tell me Motel 6. Long straight black hair, fair & soft skin & body, and blue eyes that hypnotize. I could swear she was totally turned on two because she was pretty wet. I kissed her all over her tits and face and ran my fingers through her gorgeous, sweet scented hair. She even sucked my balls for me, laid next to me and talked and kissed me on the lips. She was taller than I expected, but that's nothing that her attitude didn't make up for tenfold. She was probably just THAT good, but she made me feel like I had a girlfriend for a little bit. Either way, she really made my day!

Bi, Bi, Wisconsin

I'm at a complete loss. Being bisexual really sucks. I've toyed with the idea of "coming out", but I know if I do, I'll be automatically labeled as "gay" and forever ineligible to women. Friday was another binge night with Mr. X. I was seriously considering trying to have a relationship with a guy. I've thought about it before but never actually considered it. I guess the more I've been finding out about how women are, the less I want to be what they want. I used to have no clue what they wanted and now I'm quite aware. It's not their fault, it's instinct. I've even become pretty good at faking it, but you can't fake someone out all the time when you are in a full relationship with them.

I officially quit the band last week & I'm moving back to Chicago. I feel relief from not having to commit to the project any more. DS was actually really cool about it. He's the only one I've talked to, so I'm not sure what the other guys think. Everyone's equipment is still here, so I'll have to deal with them eventually. I'm just as nervous about moving back than I am excited. There are so many things that I miss, but of course a lot that I don't. One thing I will definitely miss is my current awesome apartment. The chances of me getting a place with laundry, dishwasher and garbage disposal in Chicago on my budget are slim to none. The chances of me getting a place this size are absolute zero, unless I move to the ghetto...yea, not happening.

Something inside me still compels me to try and find a compatible female companion, but I've tried so many times before, and telling myself that if I find the right one, I'll just get rid of Mr. X. I'm pretty sure I've accomplished the first part, but not getting rid of my deadly addiction.

Since I was 12 years old, I remember wanting to be a girl. If I had the money, I would have become one a long time ago. That would be nice.

Fucking Tea Fuck

I'm coming down from my post-binge recovery smoke, so I figured I'd write some on here and make some Chamomile tea. Was very excited to add honey and start drinking it, so in a hurry I grabbed the bottle and started squeezing. About a teaspoon into it, to my horror, I realized I wasn't holding honey at all. I was squeezing a bottle of Eggo brand butter-flavored pancake syrup. Needless to say, the tea is not as good as I imagined it to be before the Eggo Syrup Incident, but at least it wasn't Draino or something, I guess. Wow, that was a really long explanation! I'm still kinda stoned so that's okay.

Where was I...ah, yes, I was going to tell of yesterday's festivities...

Waiting for the highly anticipated sex & drugs binge was excruciating! And now I can't seem to turn of this bold or italic bullshit or get my font back to goddamn normal! FUCK!! Fuck it, I guess I'm stuck with this until I'm done. Can you believe this shit?? Fuck it.

ANYFUCKINGWAY, in order to get the blow, I had to leave Shitforbrains (Mr.X) in charge of getting it because he's the only fucker I know with a connection besided MU and she would not call the guy because she had not talked to him in years. This font is really fucking annoying me and is prompting me to write the word "fuck" (and variations of the word) way more that I would normally. I don't even think I'm using the right word..."font"...I'm trying to describe the ugly ass letters that I'm now forced to write with instead of what I started out with.

So, I'm all excited about finally hooking up with MU again, so i go all out and get 3 large packages. It was not cheap. I could not pick it up from him until Saturday night, so I had him get in Friday night so that I knew I had it for sure. So I talk to him Saturday morning and he tells me he is going to a protest that's like 3 hours away, but that he would be back at night so I could grab it. While he is on his way to the protest, he informs me that he brought the shit with him! WHY? Why the fuck would anyone do that? Incredibly, nothing happened and he got it back safely.

I had a little time to wait for MU to get off work, so I decided to stick around and play with Mr. X for a couple hours (using his own coke, of course, lol). 3 hours later, I headed to MU's.

When I got there, she was dressed in loose jeans and a t-shirt...so typical! At least she appeared to have done some makeup stuff. She was really nervous at first, but since I was already buzzing, I went into it pretty quick.

Right from the start, there was something missing. It didn't feel like before...definitely not as intense. There were some moments, but not like how it used to be. That's not to say we didn't have fun. I guess I had expected this massive explosion of sexual energy that just didn't happen. It occurred to me that maybe I'm just getting old. She too. After about 5 hours or so, she said she just could not go on because she was exhausted and her stomach hurt. I was exhausted too, so I didn't mind so much...but I had to cum.

After a couple hours of rest, I got up to see if she could keep going for a bit, but she was just not well. So what did my dumbass do? I went to the sex club for another few hours and did the other bag of shit.

Needless to say, I feel like shit right now, but not as bad as it could have been. I'm actually kind of glad that my thing with MU did not go as well. This way it's not such a big temptation for me to want to do it again. I've got to lay down...FUCK!

My Specialty: Playing With Fire

In my own ungracious way, I kind of saw this coming eventually. Remember "MU"? She was the psycho I was living with 3 years ago, at the low-point in this whole coke thing. At least every weekend, we would go on coke binges and have nasty intense sex (still the best sex to date). Anyway, we say hi to each other once in a while through text, and more recently I had to turn to her to get my herb since the entire state of Wisconsin is fucking dry!

So, last week I told her I wouldn't mind doing some "dirty play" with her again sometime. She concurred. Tonight I'm going back to the same place where it all finally spiraled out of control to do what we used to do. I know it's a huge risk to open up that Pandora's Box again, but the thrill has overpowered me. What a filthy slut that girl is. I can't wait!

Dumber than a lab rat.

One of the worst parts about my situation with Mr. X is that the urge often comes in VERY powerfully and suddenly. That's what happened last night. I scheduled myself off work today because we were supposed to play a gig last night, but it got moved to another date. So, I spent the day yesterday trying to come up with things to replace the bad habits I have. I had a few ideas that I set in motion, but then out of the blue came a sucker punch. I felt like I could have controlled it, but I didn't. does that mean I CAN'T control it?

I went to his place this time. Once again, the shit was not even that good. After we both got completely worn out, we both pretty much just collapsed on the bed and didn't even finish the last package. This time I didn't crash like I do normally, but I did break out in a pretty intense cold sweat for about an hour. My body felt paralyzed like it usually does after a binge. I can move if I want, but I don't. I lay pretty much motionless for long periods until I have to go to the bathroom. This time I could feel sweat running down my face and hear the drops hit the pillow. Surprisingly though, I was not in pain. But I was still so damn tired that I slept there for a few hours.

So, here I am again back home and feeling like shit. I'm seriously considering moving back to Chicago again. Nothing seems to be going right, and I KNOW that the main thing standing in the way is this Mr. X bullshit. SO many problems would be eliminated if it weren't for this situation. Oh, and I would like to thank those who have posted comments recently. It really helps somehow knowing that SOMEBODY is reading this. Maybe it's an ego thing or maybe it just makes me feel less alone, or both. It also motivates me to keep writing...yea, it definitely makes me feel less alone! Okay, back to bed.

Blah Fuck Blah

Another freezing rain gloomy ass day in Wisconsin. Saw Mr. X again last night, so I'm recovering but not as bad as usual. We finished 2 packets of coke in about 5 hours, and it wasn't the purest shit. These assholes who "cut" the coke and put other shit in it should have their balls freeze dried, ground up, and added to their own coke to snort.

Anyway, I've had an unusual number of migraines this week. On Tuesday, I actually had to call off work because of it and last night I had to cancel band practice. Funny thing is that I knew that doing coke would numb the pain for at least a while. It worked!

I've been telling myself that this will be the week where I stop smoking weed every day that I'm off work. Obviously that didn't happen, and as a matter of fact, I think I'll go for my first puff of the day right now...

MU got me some really good shit last week. You would think that living in Wisconsin would mean no problems getting good shit...WRONG! Since i've been living here, it's been hard to find ANYTHING. One more reason to miss Chicago.

I need a career change. I need a life change!

A Note To Nobody

By now, I blog so seldom that I doubt anyone reads this any more. But, I started this thing, so I might as well update once in a while. Actually, I may be slightly more frequent now since I've destroyed the infamous paper journal...well...kinda.

AJ and I got together yet again for the very last time around Xmas 2010. Long story short: We got back, she told me she wanted me to move in with her, but I saw some contradictions in her behavior which suggested otherwise. The red flag was when she asked me if I could help her bring some furniture to her house that someone had given to her. "Hmmm..." I asked, "where are we going to put all of MY stuff? It's already pretty tight in here". She danced around the question and from that point I knew something was up. So, we spent xmas together and hung out a few more times before the typical fight broke out. This time, I got criticized and belittled for letting her know that LH (psycho bitch from work) was stalking me. Ironically, the reason I made it a point to tell her was because I promised to tell her more about what's going on in my life. No good deed unpunished, right? Anyway, we broke up shortly after, then she sent me a text saying that she never planned on having me move in anyway and that she was still in love with the guy she told me she was broken up with. I replied with quite a nasty bite and told her to erase my number from her phone and that I no longer have the desire to even be friends with her. After I sent the txt, I blocked her on all means of contact. We've had no contact since.

And, of course, I must answer the question "Am I still doing coke?". The answer is "yes". And I also still see Mr. X. A few times a month, so it could be much worse.

Currently, the music project is going horribly & I'm in a pretty deep depression. I'm becoming pretty isolated from the rest of the world most of the time. I've been smoking lots of herb and staying in.

I started to see another girl from Milwaukee not too long ago, and spent lots of cash on her, but it didn't work out. She ended up not having the curves I crave. Shallow, I know.

I'm pretty lonely and miserable lately. I didn't even get myself to go to the gym today. I keep thinking I could have just hired a whore instead of spending all that money for nothing. I'm still thinking about getting one, but I've been keeping in mind that I've got more important things to save my money for. Sometimes I don't care. A whore shure would be good right now.

I'm feeling old & trapped again. I've done very little chanting I'm lucky if I get one morning gongyo in each day.