Flash

I guess this is going to have to be brief because I just popped a Trazadone to help me sleep tonight.  I'm officially going out with the girl I met a couple weeks ago.  She really seems to like me a lot & I do like her a lot.  The cravings still come though, as predicted.  I keep chanting to break free of this shit.  It seems to be happening...but very slowly.  Okay, sleepey time.

Bloody Good Day

I did it again last night (and all of the day).  My justification (for buying 3 bags instead of the usual as of late 2) was that it was a "special occasion" because this guy I played with a few months back finally came back into town, and I remember him as being particularly fun.  I was supposed to hook up with him about an hour after I picked up the goods, but he ended up hours late.  That's okay, because we had a really good time.  Needless to say, I did pretty much all of the first bag before he got there.  However, I DID manage to control the amount very well until he got there.  I could have EASILY finished 2 bags in the time it took for him to get here.
The night before, I thought I might be finally convinced to start a relationship with a guy & I was convinced that the one that came over last night was the one I wanted to start with.  However, even while I was all fucked up last night, I did not feel it to be right.  I don't think it was just him.  I think I really need a relationship with a woman.  It's a DAMN curse.
Anyway, the first guy was not enough.  I still had more than a bag left by the time he left, so I found another guy.  This one wanted me to go over there.  After he told me he would pay for the cab, I accepted the offer.  Again, he was very attractive and very fun in bed AND was turned on by the fact I was doing coke (bonus!).  Again, I tried to see myself with him in a relationship & it did not "click".
I'm fortunate today that I'm not ridden with guilt & self-directed anger.  I'm actually feeling quite good and happy today.  It's one of those days where I stop and realize that I'm human, and have faults just like everyone else and that I KNOW I have much good in me as well.  My roommate is working, so I'm cooking, playing music and smokin some bud.  it's a good day!