How to injure your penis by masturbating while skiing and manage to still have good sex afterwards

  Yup, that's what happened.  I really thought I had gotten rid of my coke person's number for good, but a hardcore addict always finds a way.  I found his number in ANOTHER older phone that I still had.  So, I've been getting shit from him again for a while now again.  I had to sell my beloved bass finally because of it and I'm now playing Russian Roulette Checking Account until I get paid on Friday.
Anyway, this time I got 2 bags at first, came back, did lines pretty fast (coke wasn't very good...I fucking hate that shit!), watched porn, masturbated and then decided that I'd make some $ that night.  At least I could use this evil shit to get some good out of it, right?  So, of course I had to get two more bags (of the bad shit, mind you) so I could sell some good sex.  I put out my ad and waited about an hour, and when nobody called, I decided to go to the club.  I did the other two bags at the club, felt bad and I was just about to leave as I finished the last of the last when a guy came in and we had sex.  Here's the thing...as he was leaving, he gave me a hundred dollar bill and said "here, thank you"!  That was exactly the starting price of what I was offering in my ad, hahaha.  As shitty a place I was in at the moment, this seemed to be kind of divine, lol!  I swear, it did.  When I got home, there were several messages from my ad, but I was done, and kind of mystified.  Oh...my penis.  The guy masturbated me so hard that it got rug burn.  Shut up, it's not funny.  

  The following weekend something else unusual happened.  There's a girl at work that I've had mutual flirt sessions with in the past, but it's never gone beyond that because she lives in Bumblefuck, Egypt and had a boyfriend (I never knew this until very recently).  We've been "poking" each other on FB and joking about the poking with sexual innuendos (like probably everybody has done at some point, lol)  via text.  Anyway, the sex peppered talk turned to her basically asking me if she could come over Saturday to have sex.  Pretty cool.  BUT, not only that...she also told me that a friend from work had told her that I practiced Buddhism, and she decided to ask me about it because she was interested and had already been to the center (same Buddhist center I go to!) researching.  Even cooler.  See, at the beginning of this year, I started chanting to meet someone within my Buddhist organization because I think it would really help if I had a sort of spiritual activism, if you will, with someone.  But, when I kept chanting for it and didn't see anything happening, I decided maybe I was being too specific and decided I'd be okay with someone who is just spiritually minded in general.  The first girl I went out with was a spiritual Christian, but the personalities did not mesh.  The second girl was a spiritual Hindu, but again the personalities were just not a good combination.  With this 3d one who is spiritually Buddhist, with a personalty that definitely blends well with mine, I've got a special feeling with.  You know how sometimes in life, you feel like you have known them before?  When I first met her (she will be called JB) I got that feeling.

When she came over, it was super comfortable the whole time and she looked way hot...OMFG does she have a BODY on her!!  She brought some sangria, and we hung out for a good while on the balcony smoking cigs & chatting about INTERESTING stuff, and really liking each other.  Then we did the chanting routine (her first time doing it ever) together and it was pretty powerful.  And later, with my injured trooper of a penis, we had sex that was pretty damn good.  Cooler than coolest. 

She told me that she has a disease (I'm not going to say what it is) and that she just wanted me to know this (she said this before we had sex, btw).  I found that to be honorable.  And here's the thing with this chic again...this time it's different because I'm going to tell her right off the bat too about me.  I really am.  What I went through with my last girlfriend is something I never want to go through again.  I've actually learned my lesson with that.  I don't want to hurt like that anymore and I certainly don't want to hurt anyone else like that.  I'm done, and if it means being alone for the rest of my life, so be it.  I will not do that again.  
Anyway, she's coming back this weekend.  I didn't tell her when she told me about her stuff because I'd not really thought about it.  The women I've dated after my ex have not been anything that I saw any long-term thing happening with, so the dilemma never really came up in my head until this JB thing happened.  If she runs away, I will not be surprised and will understand.  But if somehow this works, this may be great.  I'm hoping for the best, and prepared for the worst.  



  
  

Fuck Me

Well, it was about time I should have a major regression.  Friday night was it.  The girlfriend decided she was staying in for the night, so in my state of infinite stupidity, I called my dealer.  I ordered 2 baggies and told myself "I'll get the coke and just watch porn, so at least I'm not cheating".  Got home and started right away (with my roommate home, mind you!) in my room.  I knew that even buying those two would put me into a really bad financial situation, but I resolved that everything was going to be okay because I could always just sell my bass (like I've said the past 10 times I've done this shit).  Well, this time I really AM selling it because I fucked myself even more.  After I finished the first two bags around 12:30am, I decided that I needed more.  I called the man back again hoping he was still awake.  He was, so I went and got another 2.  Fucking genius.  Not only did I get two more, but I decided to go to the local bath house.  I'll spare you all the details because quite frankly, I'm sickened by them and myself at the moment.  When I'm all fucked up, nothing matters.  I guess that's the point, but escape from reality is always temporary...and then you come down.
Now, I'm guilt-ridden once again and getting through this week is resting entirely on selling that fucking guitar.  I don't want to sell it and it pains me to do so.  I'm paying the consequences I KNEW I'd have to pay.  I feel that sense of hopelessness coming back and settling inside me.  This is NOT who I want to be, and never has been.  Never in a million years would I have imagined my life would end up like this back before I snorted that first line.  I keep trying and trying to fight back with my spiritual side and everything I've learned to combat this shit. Obviously, I've not learned enough.  More negative karma is what I'm getting.  More of what I already have plenty of.
I guess the one good thing that came out of this shit is that I erased my dealer's number from my phone.  At the very fucking least, I have to stop buying the shit because it's really taking a tremendous toll.  I'm so angry right now and guilty.  I feel so fucking hopeless.  I just chanted and don't feel any better.  I want this to end, but I know that feeling will return once the weekend comes around again.  It's GOT to stop...and NOW.

Flash

I guess this is going to have to be brief because I just popped a Trazadone to help me sleep tonight.  I'm officially going out with the girl I met a couple weeks ago.  She really seems to like me a lot & I do like her a lot.  The cravings still come though, as predicted.  I keep chanting to break free of this shit.  It seems to be happening...but very slowly.  Okay, sleepey time.

Bloody Good Day

I did it again last night (and all of the day).  My justification (for buying 3 bags instead of the usual as of late 2) was that it was a "special occasion" because this guy I played with a few months back finally came back into town, and I remember him as being particularly fun.  I was supposed to hook up with him about an hour after I picked up the goods, but he ended up hours late.  That's okay, because we had a really good time.  Needless to say, I did pretty much all of the first bag before he got there.  However, I DID manage to control the amount very well until he got there.  I could have EASILY finished 2 bags in the time it took for him to get here.
The night before, I thought I might be finally convinced to start a relationship with a guy & I was convinced that the one that came over last night was the one I wanted to start with.  However, even while I was all fucked up last night, I did not feel it to be right.  I don't think it was just him.  I think I really need a relationship with a woman.  It's a DAMN curse.
Anyway, the first guy was not enough.  I still had more than a bag left by the time he left, so I found another guy.  This one wanted me to go over there.  After he told me he would pay for the cab, I accepted the offer.  Again, he was very attractive and very fun in bed AND was turned on by the fact I was doing coke (bonus!).  Again, I tried to see myself with him in a relationship & it did not "click".
I'm fortunate today that I'm not ridden with guilt & self-directed anger.  I'm actually feeling quite good and happy today.  It's one of those days where I stop and realize that I'm human, and have faults just like everyone else and that I KNOW I have much good in me as well.  My roommate is working, so I'm cooking, playing music and smokin some bud.  it's a good day!

The Digression

I believe it was Friday night this happened.  I texted Mr. X & he told me that he did not have enough cash to get some shit & if he could cash the check I wrote for him last time (I told him to withhold due to a financial crisis).  I asked if he could cash the check, could we at least get one?  He said ok.
My roommate was home that night, so I decided we would just go to my old shitty place.  Luckily the LazyBoy was still there.  I was not expecting much from this night, but it was actually really fucking good!  Fuck, I just love doing that shit.  How can I possibly give something up that's just so goddamn pleasurable???
I meet with my friend, B yesterday.  It was nice to see her even though I was in low spirits (I've had a horrible horrible week with work, the move & classes).  She seemed disappointed when I told her that the plan I'm devising may very well involve me moving back to FL permanent stiley.
I can honestly say now that I've HAD IT with this city.  These motherfucker politrixians have RUINED my city.  Fuck them with a goddamn submarine.  Every goddamn penny is squeezed out of us and it's happening all over the fucking country.  (Yea, I'm going on an impromptu rant here) I'm sick of this shit and something has got to change NOW.  We're fucking slaves, and these war mongering rich fucks are committing PROFOUND level crimes on humanity and NEED to be put in prison...ALL of them!  They're only tightening their slimy fucking grip.  Ever notice how we're being constantly desensitized to warnings?  OMFG!  There's going to be FOG on the road this morning!!!  Better put the big red flashing exclamation point on the weather channel or on your computer screen!  You see this shit everywhere.  And then when someone like me comes along and tries to alarm people about what's really going on here, they blow it off and just call me what the TV tells them to call me, a "crazy conspiracy theorist".  To help with the distraction, they've got all of us on drugs.  Legal and otherwise.  We've been fucking duped, Planet Earth.  Facebook is more than ready to give all of our personal information away (I strongly suspect it was planned that way anyway).  They know everyone of our friends and family now already, where we live, what places we like, what our politics are, etc.  Now all the major websites (INCLUDING THIS ONE) are asking that your accounts be associated with your phone number.  Yup, but it's for MY own good & protection.  They're really concerned about me losing my password.  This is IT, people.  This battle is for our MINDS & SOULS.  NEVER back down!

Slave to The Dark Side

Yea, so right after I published my last blog entry, "Mr. Pharmacist" calls back (I had tried calling him a few hours earlier).  I thought things would get better after I moved, but it looks like they are not.  I immediately hauled ass over to the pickup spot and got another 2 bags.  I put an ad out to sell my ass (it was still early evening, so my in my junky ass mind, it didn't matter that I had to be up at 5:30am the next morning)...did I really need to put that in parentheses?  I'm not sure because...you guessed it...I'm stoned again!  Anyways, only one person called and then said he was "going to think about it".  Asshole.  Needless to say, I had already started vacuuming out the first bag while watching porn and looking for men online.  I found one guy that lives pretty close.  I got there and he was exactly what turns me on, but he ended up kicking me out because he said I was too tweaked out.  Asshole.
So, I walked my slutty ass back home and finished the second bag.  I didn't get up in time for my important engagement (for real), but at least they let me reschedule.  Assholes, hahaha!
In all seriousness though, this is fucking torture.  I'm the REAL asshole here.  I know I am, and I'm trying hard to change this shit, but I literally can't!  I had 3 women I was talking to who wanted to go on dates with me after I moved.  Now I don't even want to call any of them because I don't want to have to go through doing that to someone again.  Being bisexual really fucking sucks.  And being a coke-addicted bisexual is even worse!  It's like I dream all the time about finally meeting the woman of my dreams, but I know damn well NOTHING is ever going to work unless I change this.  And that's just the problem.  My dark side makes me NOT want to change.  My dark side wants me to indulge in earthly pleasures.  It also wants to torture me as much as possible for the longest time possible.
I'm actually not surprised that I'm saying this, but lately I've been thinking more about maybe trying to have a relationship with a man.  I'm getting hard just thinking about it.  I hate to admit it, but it's the truth.  I also get just as hard with women.  I'm not gay.  I'm truly a closeted bisexual.  But I know that if I "come out" as they say, I would automatically be considered "gay" and most women would probably be out instantly.
I'm fucked.

Stoned Loc

Got two baggies of coke last night, then skipped along all the way to my Buddhist meeting I was going to MC. The meeting went well & even though I'm a coke head, it does me good and I'm absolutely determined to keep my practice up no matter what.  I'm kind of learning to accept all my flaws as well as my good aspects.  It's a minor change in the way I think, but I may be on to something!
I originally got the shit so I could put an ad out (which I did) and whore myself out while I tweek.  By the time I finished all of the first one, nobody had responded so I decIided to just do the rest watching porn.  I came after doing the last oversized line, so it was worth it at least, lol!
And I've been really considering being a sex worker regularly.  I suspect that that would not be a step in the direction of "good", but I DO need the money BAD!  This is the part of me that just wants to say "fuck you!  I enjoy doing coke and I have it under a good deal of control. But I also know that if I do that, I will do more coke.  Fuck.  The forces of dark and light have come to a head.  Makes you really wonder if this really IS our last year of existence.  Fucking Mayans!
I'm stoned.

The Pool of Dual

Holy shit it's been a long time!  I've started a paper journal again, and since I'm in this situation what I'm going to do is post what I can't post on paper here.  I shall call this "The Book of Darkness" and my paper journal "The Book of Light", reflecting the duality of our existence.
What's going on?  Well, I just moved in to an awesome apartment.  This is changing my mood (and my dog's mood).  That old place was literally the second worst place I've ever lived in.  I can't believe I didn't kill myself while I was stuck there.  To make things worse at that place, the power company cut my electricity off and I was left there without electricity for a month and a half.  It sucked.  HOWEVER, I DID manage to um..."spike" some electricity from across the hall to use sometimes.  Yup, I'm pretty badass.
I moved in with a friend I've known from work for years.  He's a real good guy.  He's gay and was worried about me wanting to room with him, lol!  Little does he know...
I've not slowed down my binges.  I'm still doing everything I can to be able to keep it up.  I took a payday loan out to pay my security deposit.  That's really bad.  But what's worse is that I spent some of it on you know what.  I'm a fucked up badass.
HOWEVER, I think I've got it under control enough to know not to overdo it.  If I could just work as much as I did when I had overtime (they cut all my overtime), then I could just keep it just at this level, which part of me is okay with.  The other part of me says I'm just making excuses just like any other addict.  Once again, the duality of our existence.

Karmageddon

Shit, it's been a while! Towards the end of 2011, I told myself that 2012 would be THE year I break free (yes, I realize it's only 5 days into the year, but I've gone 20 without seeing Mr. X!). So far, so good, but as every addict knows, the chances of stumbling are always high...no pun intended. The few weeks before the last time I got fucked up with him were full of inner turmoil. It was pretty much an all-out battle between good and evil inside my mind. But this last effort on my part, I can honestly say, has been the strongest ever. The Prozac has taken full effect by now & I've been chanting consistently and have been seeing the results. There has even been a couple of times when I give in, but by some divine force, my plans to see him are foiled. Call me crazy, but I think all that practice I've been doing in Buddhism has been protecting me. My therapist actually convinced me to go back to practicing even with my skepticism. I'm back because I know it works, and right now I NEED something that works!

I do believe that spirituality in in general, whatever it may be, is one of the only things capable of getting through something like this. Reading "The Secret", I learned that we DO in fact create our own realities. But there was that one thing missing to account for the "bad" things that happen even if all you've been doing is positive. That one thing is karma. It all makes sense now. You create your own reality, but not without the help of past karma.