Ooooh, where do I begin? This has definitely been the longest break I've ever taken from writing here. There are several reasons for this. I guess the main reason is that for several years after my last post, I really didn't feel that coke addiction was something that was so intrusive into my life that it was a major cause of distress/problems. I really wish I could tell all of you that I finally found the "magic bullet" that slayed my demon so that I could share it with everyone else that is still suffering. But if I told you that, it would be a lie. I can't really say that there was a particular incident that made me stop. Things just kind of slowly fizzled out pretty much. The people that I was regularly getting fucked up with (particularly Mr. X) moved to FL and has pretty much been MIA ever since (with the occasional text promising he will come visit, but it never happens). After he moved, I still managed to find a couple of connections and was still having coke binges a couple of times a month. At that point, I felt that it was relatively under control. There were times where I did feel like it was a problem, but it was nothing like before where it was a constant cloud over my head.
During the whole time where I had cut down on using coke, I still was smoking a lot of weed. In fact, smoking pot increased to the point where IT now became a problem! I know, I know, a lot of people claim that pot is not addictive and blah, blah, blah. Listen, ANYTHING can be addicting whether it's food, sex, gambling, cigarettes, legal drugs - the list goes on forever. It may not be a physical addiction, but there still exists the phenomenon of psychological addiction. Marijuana is NOT some kind of magical substance that somehow gets excluded from this - period! That being said, I STILL love smoking weed, okay? Lol! However, like I've always said, ANYTHING in excess is bad for you, and that is exactly what kept happening.
For years, I would go to work, come home, then light up. Every single day was exactly the same. I was high pretty much any time that I was not at work or at the gym (or out in public doing something where I had to interact with people). I was doing what was typical of many addicts, which was simply replacing one addiction with another. Yes, the 420 was less destructive, but with the amount/frequency I was using, it was still affecting my life in a very negative way.
When I smoke weed, my introversion gets magnified a hundredfold. I get way too paranoid and my thinking is very unclear. So, basically, I stay in and watch videos, listen to music, and watch a lot of porn. As the years passed, I began getting more and more frustrated with my life being so stagnant, and I knew that this was affecting my self-esteem in a huge way. I knew that this new addiction was holding me back, and I just didn't have the guts to quit. I was terrified to let go of that crutch. "What if I really AM inferior to everyone else and fall flat on my face? What am I going to do with all that time I will have gained? Won't I just get extremely bored?". These were questions I kept asking myself, but they were ultimately excuses.
As the years passed, and I watched my life just float aimlessly every day, I became more and more angry with myself. I tried jolting myself out of it by booking trips out of state and out of the country, where I knew I wouldn't have a chance to smoke. Those things worked very well while I was away, but as soon as I got back, it started right back up again.
I finally, and truly realized that running from my problems was just never ever going to work. I had NO CHOICE but to stand my ground right here, and right now, and fight back with everything I had. And, finally, that is what I did.
I tried for several months to just stop on my own. I would tell myself that "this will be the last time" and convinced myself (not really - subconsciously, I knew it was a lie) that I would simply abstain the next time I got home from work. Finally, I decided to seek help from a psychologist.
It's funny how things work. I believe things happen for a reason, and what I'm about to tell you is no exception:
I started looking at psychologists who specialized in addiction issues listed on my insurance plan, and found one a few miles away. Being the researcher that I am, I did a bunch of searches on her name, and found some articles. Apparently, she is the oldest person in IL to have ever graduated with a PhD in psychology. When I saw this, I admit that I was sort of apprehensive, but then I felt guilty for discriminating, so I called. When she answered, it was pretty much what I had expected. She sounded like she was probably in her late 70's/early 80's, and did have some apparent forgetfulness. I made the appointment anyway.
I still had a few days before my appointment, and I stared to think "I know I don't want to judge her because of her age, but I really need the best care I can get. Do I really want a therapist that has memory issues?". I finally decided to call her and cancel, then look for another.
When I called her, I did feel really bad, and told her that I had found another therapist that was a lot closer. She said she understood, but before she hung up, she said something to me that I will never forget. It wasn't profound or anything like that, but SOMETHING in me was touched deeply when she said it. She said "I can help you with your problems, you know.". That really stuck with me, and resonated in my head. The way she said it was not resentful or anything like that, but it was genuine and kind. That REALLY had an impact.
Anyway, I called to try and make an appointment with the other therapist, and they gave me some bullshit about how she can't accept me because my insurance is HMO and not PPO (which is a lie because I've never ever heard that before). I said, fine, whatever. So, now I obviously had to look for someone else again...but those words in my head kept resonating "I can help you with your problems, you know". I just could not get it out of my head! Finally, I just said to myself "Self, maybe she IS a bit forgetful, but what is one thing that older people have that younger people don't? WISDOM. And wisdom is crucial in therapy! Plus, I truly believe that my intuition is speaking to me here.".
I called her back and made the appointment, and it's the best call I could have made.
When I stepped into her office, it was a room in her apartment she has set up for patients. Her place is beautifully and elegantly decorated ( I actually love the way it's decorated - seriously, great taste, this woman!). She used to be an actress, so there is an artistic aura about her place, including a beautiful white grand piano in the living room. And she has the friendliest and warmest/kindest demeanor of any therapist I've ever encountered! We clicked right away. And, within only 2 months of seeing her, I was completely drug free. Not only coke and weed, but free of even Prozac!! I've been on that shit for over 25 years! Now, I know that I can't attribute ALL of this success to my therapist. I think, and feel, that I was actually TRULY ready to make the change, and I just happened to find an awesome therapist to help me make that change. I swear, she is like having my grandma to talk to again, except in therapist form! I love going to see her every week - I truly do!
When I told her that I had finally stopped, I was holding back tears in my eyes, and she was too. I really just wanted to hug her (and I think she felt the same), but she's very professional and that would not be appropriate, lol! I have a feeling that some day that hug will still come when she just says "fuck it!", lol!
Anyway, I can't even begin to describe how I feel now. It's literally like I've awakened from a 23-year hibernation. I have SO much courage now. I used to walk around just afraid of everything and everyone. Now, it's just like "bring it, bitch!". It's like I'm a new person in that sense, but I'm also still me. "Me" in the sense that I still know I'm a good and righteous person. I still know that I have a good heart inside me. I still know that I'm very intelligent and capable. The difference is that now I REALIZE this things beyond a doubt, and it feels incredible!
For the first few weeks of being totally clean, I was on a natural "honeymoon period" high. Reality has set back in now and the initial high is over, and I still have plenty of stress. But, I know I can handle it, and without any crutches. For the first time, I feel like and adult - like a MAN, like a hero even.
Folks, when I first started writing this blog years ago, I was writing it because I just wanted to keep an account of what was secretly going on in my life and to try and connect with others who were going through similar things. That DID happen, and I'm very glad that it did. But, never in a million years, did I expect this to have a happy ending - and here I am! I think I might be holding back some more tears as I write this, lol!
Seriously, I want to thank everyone who has been supporting me, and even those who have been just sitting back quietly and reading. And to those out there who are still suffering, I truly understand. But, I am also here to tell you that I am living proof that you CAN get through it! You really can!
