Moderation Man

Been doing pretty good lately (hence my lack of posts!). Been working on music & keeping my partying down to about once a week, which was my goal. I did hook up with Idiot last night, but it was only for a few hours & I was fine with that. I'm supposed to go up and pick up the rest of my music gear from my ex-drummer in Wisconsin tonight. There's a chance I may not go though because Squeaky bought Metallica tickets for tonight & her friend that's supposed to go with her may cancel 'cause she's sick. She originally asked me if I wanted to go and, although they are one of my all-time favs, the last time I went to a show, we almost got into 3 fights all in one night! I guess that's what happens when there's that much testosterone flyin' around, lol. Anyway, I go to shows to have a good time, not to start shit - wtf is the point of that?
There WAS a small incident last night though. While I was partying with Idiot, I sent Squeaky a text asking her if she could give us one more hour (he showed up late, as usual). She said it was fine, but when she came home she was all pissy, so I called her on it. She said that she did not mind, but she just wanted to be home. I told her that it was obvious that she DID mind by her behavior. I pointed out that we are both passive aggressive (she actually laughed when I said that & I started to as well, lol) and we need to watch out for that shit. I told her that even though she's telling herself that she does not mind, subconsciously she does & it's just going to build up until it explodes again. I told her that I do not want that to happen again. I told her to please just say so if she disagrees next time. Hopefully she will.

My drummer is a total ANIMAL! No, seriously.

Well, shit - I can't sleep & I have not written in a while, so here I go. Not much has happened since I got here actually. Before I left Southern IL, I picked up my last pay stub from the job I left & was like "holy shit!" because it really hit me how well they actually treat their workers! There's no doubt that having money is nice, but I gotta live my life without ever getting too comfy.
I have not hooked up with Idiot (who dropped his phone AGAIN and broke it AGAIN - I know you're all shocked.). Squeaky and I have a little something planned for tonight. It's -17 degrees Fahrenheit outside. My eyelashes froze within a half a block of walking my dog this morning. So, a little indoor skiing is fiiiiiiiiiiiine with me!
As far as the music project, I've got things moving. I'm practicing my set list every day until I get it down perfectly. I'm working out the details with my ex-drummer in WI & my parents in FL to get my equipment back to me here. I'm still kind of open to the idea of working with other people, but not very enthused about it. I'm not about to have another project blow up in my face because of someone else in the band. If I have full control of the project, then I can only blame myself. But, as much as I love being alone, I have to admit that it's a lot more fun when it's a collaboration. Fuck. I knew I'd start thinking about that again. I truly have a love/hate relationship with people! If only I could teach my dog to play drums - that would be sweet.

My Own Personal Jeebus

I've finally decided that I'm going back to Chicago. I've had a long-ass time to think about shit between Squeaky & I, in fact, almost a year. I think I can forgive her (but NEVER forget) for our falling out & the things she did and said. She really does think the world of me for whatever reason. Even my aunt said that it would be foolish to let go of someone that loves me so much & actually "gets" me. Shit - I don't even get me most of the time! For a while, I was convinced that this was nothing but a suicide mission, but I honestly feel like I've grown strong enough to deal with my shit this time. I guess I needed actual proof that my problems will find me wherever I run to & that the only way to beat them is to stand up to them whenever & wherever they rear their ugly heads.
I'm not going up there without a plan either. Believe it or not, I've been making an effort to think things through. I cannot deny what I am & what my passion is and always will be. When I do, I feel dead. I died another death, so to speak, when I let my addiction take precedence over my music. Once again, I guess I needed proof that it would fuck me up that bad. I'm one stubborn ass mother fucker, lol! But I can use that stubbornness to my advantage now. There is only one I ultimately live for & that's music. It's a lifelong obsession. Music, to me, literally equals "God". There is no other reason to go on living without it. If I feel dead, then I might as well BE dead. Fuck that! Rock 'n' Roll has been in my blood ever since I can remember & I've inherited it from my father (who is an excellent musician & also encourages me). I know I have been given something very special & I'll be damned if I let it go to waste. For all I know, the music may never be heard until years after I die, and I'm okay with that. I'm happy to die trying. I'm just another human being who's mission happens to be of great importance as far as I can tell. I'm absolutely certain that love will win in the end. How do I know? Because I'm going to make damn sure of it!
And, no, this does not mean I will completely stop partying. Sex, (blank) & Rock 'n' Roll? I don't think so!!!

I Am Lord Numskull

Yea, I've been sort of MIA for the past week. As you can probably guess, I've been getting myself into trouble as usual. I'm not even sure of the fucking days here, but let's say Friday was the day I played in the snow with Squeaky (wow, that sounds gay, even though it's the one non-gay adventure I had). So, the next day, I started fiending again, so I went online and ran across someone that I used to do meth with (and vowed to never do meth again because of how shitty it makes me feel for days). Well, my vows are about as good as good as a Vegas marriage vow, so off I went to see Meth Man. I'm not going to lie, the first couple of hours were fucking amazing. Then, that feeling started to come back. The feeling of extreme nausea took over & I kept thinking "Yea, THIS is why you said you'd never do this shit again, dumbass!". I started puking, and then puking some more. But did I stop there? Hell no. Since I had actually bought an eighth of this shit from him, I decided it was a good idea to go to the sex club & do some more! Needless to say, there was no sex, but there WAS plenty more puke! Yes, I graduated from Moron to Super-Moron! Oh, but it does not end here. My standard two days of hell were to follow, and they sure as fuck did. But, on the following night, Idiot (N.S.) calls me & asks if I want to party. As you can guess, I instantly graduated to Emperor of Morons. Luckily, divine intervention occurred & my plans got canceled. Now, any normal human being would stop here and say "Wow, I lucked out this time - I'll be more careful". Not me though, because the next day (still feeling like shit), Idiot and I went out & even though I knew that the chances of me actually having a good time were close to zero, I had to chance it. Yea, it sucked. I suck. I now proclaim myself to be Lord Numskull. Of course there's only one reason why I did all this shit. I'm an addict. Plain & simple.

Modest Muse

Well, this is my 3d night in Chicago & I'm feeling pretty good. I'm staying at M.U.'s, of course. On New Year's Eve, we had a great play session. I was not expecting that because I did not think she had enough money for shit, but somehow she go it, lol. And the big question everyone is asking me lately is "are you and..."...hold on a second, I'm sick of this "M.U." shit - from now on I'm calling her "Squeaky" (because her laugh sounds like squeaking, lol). Okay, so the question everyone is asking me is "are you and Squeaky getting back together?". The best answer I can offer at this time is "quite possibly". When the new year hit, she kissed me & I actually did not feel like pulling away, lol. I can't stay too long though because I'm in my uncle's truck. Oh, and get this shit...
So, my aunt & uncle got back on Tuesday. I had told my aunt earlier that I had quit my job & she took it pretty well. I assumed that she would tell my uncle. So, they got home & I had dinner waiting for them (a kickass recipe I dug up from one of their million cook books) & everything was great. They loved the "Brazilian Beef" I made & they had offered for me to take the truck up to Chicago instead of me having to take the train. I jumped at the idea because that meant I could bring my dog & my guitar in addition to my standard travel shit. So, I helped them unpack while I packed & things were just peachy. I was JUST about to leave and said my goodbye's, when the fucking dome light would not turn off. I went back in & told my uncle about the problem. He came out and messed with it until it was fixed. Once again, I was ready to take off, but then at the very last second he asked me when I had to go back to work. OH, NO FUCKING WAY!!! Somehow, the news of my quitting did not get to him. So, I kind of fumbled for a few seconds & said "well...I don't know". He gave me a very puzzled look, then I finally just told him that I was not happy at all at that place. His entire demeanor changed to one of not being very happy. We said our goodbye's once again & my happy mood was instantly killed. The journey that followed did not help things either, believe me you, but I will spare the details.
I'm still standing by my decision though. I've been coming to terms with the fact that, to most people, I'm a complete freak. Actually, I've known that since I was about 8 years old. I guess I'm coming to terms with accepting it & really not worrying so much about what others think. I'm not happy when I'm "normal". I feel trapped & eventually, when I break out, I make a huge mess! Anyway, this mindset is very fertile ground for The Muse & I feel the strong need to start writing & performing again. I don't care anymore if I have to go out there completely alone & do open mic's. If that's what I need to do, then I'm going to do it. I think the time is now. I don't give a shit if I'm 99 years old, I'm still gonna rock if I have any life left in me!