My use of coke has still been quite rare these days. I'm still chanting with fair consistency, so I think I've been fairly well protected from any real trouble. HOWEVER, I'm having a very hard time trying to resist doing the "chrono" whenever I'm not working. I don't know what else to do. It's become such a routine habit, that I suppose it's become one that's going to be hard to break. This is what I'm being told is a "psychological addiction". If I repeat myself here, I'm sorry. I'm too lazy to go back and see if I wrote this already in my last post. Yeah, I've become THAT lazy too. I'm actually sober right now, but I'm pretty sure that's not going to last very long. The weather doesn't help. It's currently 9 degrees Farenheit with wind chill outside. Tomorrow it will be -15 (yes, negative 15). I'm not even sure I'll be able to force myself to go to the gym tomorrow like I want to. The weather is a big factor, but so is my fucking gut. I've never been this heavy before & it's starting to look horrible. My one thing that was keeping me sane throughout this poverty, has been my good health. Now that is deteriorating. I still love weed and always will. But, as long as I keep breaking my own moderation rule, I'm fucked.
I was wondering if fucking google would even let me into my account now that they've taken over everyone else since I last wrote. Well, I'm glad I'm able to come back and give a long needed update. Sorry for the long break. I think maybe I was thinking that if I stayed away from writing about it, then maybe I would be less likely to do it. Or maybe I was just fucking baked (like I am right now & am usually nowadays whenever I'm not at work) and too lazy to lift a finger. Who knows. Oh wait, I remember now. Yea, fucking pervert snooping fuckers, that's why. Anyway, all I know is that even if I DO (or have, or whatever we're calling this) "beat" coke addiction once and for all, I STILL have other psychological addictions which have developed in the meantime.
Today I find myself extremely depressed. My life pretty much revolves around getting fucked up, eating, as much sex as possible, and sleeping. If I didn't work, I'd be stoned 100% of the time, more than likely. I'm stuck. I'm sailing in circles endlessly. I don't know what the fuck to do and even if I did, I probably could not figure out how to do it! I'm alive, but not living at all.
I guess I'll throw in some good shit too though, because it DOES exist.
I've been going out with the same girl from work for almost a year and a half now & things are still pretty good. She is someone who truly has a good heart, and has also been through hell. I'm pretty hopeful with her because she's just about as much of a freak as I am (like for real...almost), and she is very good at staying cool when we disagree. I've found this to be crucial (thanks in part to my psychotic ex).
I've also gotten to a point where I'm chanting on a fairly regular basis (she chants too - BONUS!). And, the sex is some of the best I've ever had. I'm telling you, she's a freak!
So, those things are going better than usual.
But anyway, I know that she's getting sick of my idling, and I can't blame her. I'm sick of it too. We're trying to make plans to move in together (she has two kids too) and get the hell out of here and probably down to FL (I've actually missed that place - go figure). I'm really trying to get my shit together. I was really skeptic about the whole idea of us all moving in together at first mainly because of the boy. He was very aggressive towards me in the beginning & I didn't think that was going to be resolved. But we chanted about it, and amazingly, we're friends now! I'm trying to really keep my practice strong because I know it's been helping me slowly come back to doing the things I know I have to do.
But SEX is my weakness, and it has been instrumental in bringing me back to my crazy secret life. The lure of the intense pleasure is too much. It just literally feels too good.
Oh yea, and X. He has since been out of work (disability) and so has been broke. As a result, our partying days have been reduced dramatically. We're lucky if it happens once a month. Once in a blue moon, I will go off on my own & hit the slopes, but not often. Does this mean I have this under control now? Probably not, but I suppose it's still an improvement, even if it's not my own doing (or is it? I chanted a lot).
So, I guess I'm okay, but not okay. Okay? Okay.
Yup, that's what happened. I really thought I had gotten rid of my coke person's number for good, but a hardcore addict always finds a way. I found his number in ANOTHER older phone that I still had. So, I've been getting shit from him again for a while now again. I had to sell my beloved bass finally because of it and I'm now playing Russian Roulette Checking Account until I get paid on Friday.
Anyway, this time I got 2 bags at first, came back, did lines pretty fast (coke wasn't very good...I fucking hate that shit!), watched porn, masturbated and then decided that I'd make some $ that night. At least I could use this evil shit to get some good out of it, right? So, of course I had to get two more bags (of the bad shit, mind you) so I could sell some good sex. I put out my ad and waited about an hour, and when nobody called, I decided to go to the club. I did the other two bags at the club, felt bad and I was just about to leave as I finished the last of the last when a guy came in and we had sex. Here's the thing...as he was leaving, he gave me a hundred dollar bill and said "here, thank you"! That was exactly the starting price of what I was offering in my ad, hahaha. As shitty a place I was in at the moment, this seemed to be kind of divine, lol! I swear, it did. When I got home, there were several messages from my ad, but I was done, and kind of mystified. Oh...my penis. The guy masturbated me so hard that it got rug burn. Shut up, it's not funny. The following weekend something else unusual happened. There's a girl at work that I've had mutual flirt sessions with in the past, but it's never gone beyond that because she lives in Bumblefuck, Egypt and had a boyfriend (I never knew this until very recently). We've been "poking" each other on FB and joking about the poking with sexual innuendos (like probably everybody has done at some point, lol) via text. Anyway, the sex peppered talk turned to her basically asking me if she could come over Saturday to have sex. Pretty cool. BUT, not only that...she also told me that a friend from work had told her that I practiced Buddhism, and she decided to ask me about it because she was interested and had already been to the center (same Buddhist center I go to!) researching. Even cooler. See, at the beginning of this year, I started chanting to meet someone within my Buddhist organization because I think it would really help if I had a sort of spiritual activism, if you will, with someone. But, when I kept chanting for it and didn't see anything happening, I decided maybe I was being too specific and decided I'd be okay with someone who is just spiritually minded in general. The first girl I went out with was a spiritual Christian, but the personalities did not mesh. The second girl was a spiritual Hindu, but again the personalities were just not a good combination. With this 3d one who is spiritually Buddhist, with a personalty that definitely blends well with mine, I've got a special feeling with. You know how sometimes in life, you feel like you have known them before? When I first met her (she will be called JB) I got that feeling. When she came over, it was super comfortable the whole time and she looked way hot...OMFG does she have a BODY on her!! She brought some sangria, and we hung out for a good while on the balcony smoking cigs & chatting about INTERESTING stuff, and really liking each other. Then we did the chanting routine (her first time doing it ever) together and it was pretty powerful. And later, with my injured trooper of a penis, we had sex that was pretty damn good. Cooler than coolest. She told me that she has a disease (I'm not going to say what it is) and that she just wanted me to know this (she said this before we had sex, btw). I found that to be honorable. And here's the thing with this chic again...this time it's different because I'm going to tell her right off the bat too about me. I really am. What I went through with my last girlfriend is something I never want to go through again. I've actually learned my lesson with that. I don't want to hurt like that anymore and I certainly don't want to hurt anyone else like that. I'm done, and if it means being alone for the rest of my life, so be it. I will not do that again. Anyway, she's coming back this weekend. I didn't tell her when she told me about her stuff because I'd not really thought about it. The women I've dated after my ex have not been anything that I saw any long-term thing happening with, so the dilemma never really came up in my head until this JB thing happened. If she runs away, I will not be surprised and will understand. But if somehow this works, this may be great. I'm hoping for the best, and prepared for the worst.
Well, it was about time I should have a major regression. Friday night was it. The girlfriend decided she was staying in for the night, so in my state of infinite stupidity, I called my dealer. I ordered 2 baggies and told myself "I'll get the coke and just watch porn, so at least I'm not cheating". Got home and started right away (with my roommate home, mind you!) in my room. I knew that even buying those two would put me into a really bad financial situation, but I resolved that everything was going to be okay because I could always just sell my bass (like I've said the past 10 times I've done this shit). Well, this time I really AM selling it because I fucked myself even more. After I finished the first two bags around 12:30am, I decided that I needed more. I called the man back again hoping he was still awake. He was, so I went and got another 2. Fucking genius. Not only did I get two more, but I decided to go to the local bath house. I'll spare you all the details because quite frankly, I'm sickened by them and myself at the moment. When I'm all fucked up, nothing matters. I guess that's the point, but escape from reality is always temporary...and then you come down.
Now, I'm guilt-ridden once again and getting through this week is resting entirely on selling that fucking guitar. I don't want to sell it and it pains me to do so. I'm paying the consequences I KNEW I'd have to pay. I feel that sense of hopelessness coming back and settling inside me. This is NOT who I want to be, and never has been. Never in a million years would I have imagined my life would end up like this back before I snorted that first line. I keep trying and trying to fight back with my spiritual side and everything I've learned to combat this shit. Obviously, I've not learned enough. More negative karma is what I'm getting. More of what I already have plenty of.
I guess the one good thing that came out of this shit is that I erased my dealer's number from my phone. At the very fucking least, I have to stop buying the shit because it's really taking a tremendous toll. I'm so angry right now and guilty. I feel so fucking hopeless. I just chanted and don't feel any better. I want this to end, but I know that feeling will return once the weekend comes around again. It's GOT to stop...and NOW.
I guess this is going to have to be brief because I just popped a Trazadone to help me sleep tonight. I'm officially going out with the girl I met a couple weeks ago. She really seems to like me a lot & I do like her a lot. The cravings still come though, as predicted. I keep chanting to break free of this shit. It seems to be happening...but very slowly. Okay, sleepey time.
I did it again last night (and all of the day). My justification (for buying 3 bags instead of the usual as of late 2) was that it was a "special occasion" because this guy I played with a few months back finally came back into town, and I remember him as being particularly fun. I was supposed to hook up with him about an hour after I picked up the goods, but he ended up hours late. That's okay, because we had a really good time. Needless to say, I did pretty much all of the first bag before he got there. However, I DID manage to control the amount very well until he got there. I could have EASILY finished 2 bags in the time it took for him to get here.
The night before, I thought I might be finally convinced to start a relationship with a guy & I was convinced that the one that came over last night was the one I wanted to start with. However, even while I was all fucked up last night, I did not feel it to be right. I don't think it was just him. I think I really need a relationship with a woman. It's a DAMN curse.
Anyway, the first guy was not enough. I still had more than a bag left by the time he left, so I found another guy. This one wanted me to go over there. After he told me he would pay for the cab, I accepted the offer. Again, he was very attractive and very fun in bed AND was turned on by the fact I was doing coke (bonus!). Again, I tried to see myself with him in a relationship & it did not "click".
I'm fortunate today that I'm not ridden with guilt & self-directed anger. I'm actually feeling quite good and happy today. It's one of those days where I stop and realize that I'm human, and have faults just like everyone else and that I KNOW I have much good in me as well. My roommate is working, so I'm cooking, playing music and smokin some bud. it's a good day!
I believe it was Friday night this happened. I texted Mr. X & he told me that he did not have enough cash to get some shit & if he could cash the check I wrote for him last time (I told him to withhold due to a financial crisis). I asked if he could cash the check, could we at least get one? He said ok.
My roommate was home that night, so I decided we would just go to my old shitty place. Luckily the LazyBoy was still there. I was not expecting much from this night, but it was actually really fucking good! Fuck, I just love doing that shit. How can I possibly give something up that's just so goddamn pleasurable???
I meet with my friend, B yesterday. It was nice to see her even though I was in low spirits (I've had a horrible horrible week with work, the move & classes). She seemed disappointed when I told her that the plan I'm devising may very well involve me moving back to FL permanent stiley.
I can honestly say now that I've HAD IT with this city. These motherfucker politrixians have RUINED my city. Fuck them with a goddamn submarine. Every goddamn penny is squeezed out of us and it's happening all over the fucking country. (Yea, I'm going on an impromptu rant here) I'm sick of this shit and something has got to change NOW. We're fucking slaves, and these war mongering rich fucks are committing PROFOUND level crimes on humanity and NEED to be put in prison...ALL of them! They're only tightening their slimy fucking grip. Ever notice how we're being constantly desensitized to warnings? OMFG! There's going to be FOG on the road this morning!!! Better put the big red flashing exclamation point on the weather channel or on your computer screen! You see this shit everywhere. And then when someone like me comes along and tries to alarm people about what's really going on here, they blow it off and just call me what the TV tells them to call me, a "crazy conspiracy theorist". To help with the distraction, they've got all of us on drugs. Legal and otherwise. We've been fucking duped, Planet Earth. Facebook is more than ready to give all of our personal information away (I strongly suspect it was planned that way anyway). They know everyone of our friends and family now already, where we live, what places we like, what our politics are, etc. Now all the major websites (INCLUDING THIS ONE) are asking that your accounts be associated with your phone number. Yup, but it's for MY own good & protection. They're really concerned about me losing my password. This is IT, people. This battle is for our MINDS & SOULS. NEVER back down!
I love cocaine and sex. There is only one feeling as powerful as that combination, and that is true love and sex (which I've lost several times by now). Ironically, I've lost the latter due to the former. Oh well, fuck it.