"Life Is full of surprises It advertises Nothing" - Depeche Mode

The week before last was the last time I'll probably ever see Idiot again - or at least have sex. The following week, I received a phone call from him that nobody wants to ever get. He asked "do you have a moment", which usually means it's something actually serious. It was. He told me that he had just gotten back from his re-test, which had confirmed that he has HIV. I was terrified, but at the same time, not surprised. I stayed on the phone a couple more minutes, then told him I was going to go. It's something I've mentally prepared myself for for a long time actually, but I don't think any amount of mental conditioning could prepare you for that completely. My whole life flashed before me & it actually surprised me that I felt quite accomplished. I honestly feel that if my time to go is approaching fast, I'm okay with it. Shit, I've experienced more in a decade of my life than most people ever experience. I've defeated monsters that many people never defeat. To a bohemian like myself, experience is everything.
Needless to say, I went to get tested the next day. The test guy asked me what I was going to do if I was diagnosed as positive. I told him that I was okay with it because we are all going to die someday from something. He did not look very happy to hear that, but he knew it was the truth, lol. It still amazes me how people in our culture live in complete denial of the fact of death. It's no wonder that we hide all the old people away like they don't exist.
Anyway, to my amazement, he told me that the test result would be ready in about 20 minutes! They don't need blood tests anymore. It's a "swab" test, where they take a swab & have you run it along your gums & that's it.
So, I waited for the test to come back as a frantically continued writing in my paper journal. When he came back, I was cool, calm & collected. I went back in the patient room where he had the swab attached to the indicator device, which he turned towards me so I could see. I could tell that there were two horizontal red lines that could possibly appear on the indicator. The one that showed up on my test was the top one. I had no idea what that meant, but he told me after about 2 seconds..."you're negative".
I must admit that it was a huge relief, but not a complete relief. I knew that this test was not likely to indicate weather I got the disease from Idiot last time we hooked up. This one just showed that I did not have anything prior to our last "engagement". I said to the social worker, "Well, that's good, but it's not conclusive, right? I imagine that I still need to take another test in a few weeks(?)". He confirmed this & said that I need to check back with them in three weeks. It still worries me, of course.
But, one of the things that I've found to have me satisfied with my life is the fact that I've been able to record these songs. Many people say they love the songs & just as many say I suck. That's the music industry for ya. I'd be lying if I said that I don't care, but I don't care as much anymore. I just care about leaving the world with SOMETHING after I'm long gone - even if only one person listens to it.
So, even if my fate is still uncertain, I must keep in mind that it's NEVER certain. For all I know, I could be killed before the re-test by a drunk driver. You just never know.
The worst part, by far has been the thought of me having to tell Squeaky. I'm not going to say anything if my next test is also negative, but if it's not, I will be claiming my spot in hell.

Obsession

I feel friggin' great! I'm literally obsessed with this music project. Today, Squeaky went to work for 8 hours. I started working on stuff by the time she left & was still at it when she came back! During that time, I re-did the vocals on one song, then re-mastered it...THEN I recorded another song to it's completion! I'm talking all the instruments & vocals (okay, I DID finish the drums prior, but that's it). I'm very happy with my songs so far (and thanks for the compliment, Kimmy! :) ). I have not doubt that I will be able to make a living doing music now & it feels damn good. I know this because I have a conviction in my brain to not let anything stop me.
Oh, and as far as partying...I've kept the "once-a-week" plan & it's worked flawlessly. I feel completely in control & I do it now to have fun & not to get away from a miserable existence. I WANT to live my life now. I've got so much work to do & I'm loving it because it's what I love. Case closed!

**Place "Rocky" Theme Song here**

Hey, all. I've been really slackin' on this blog, so I thought I'd do a little update. Actually, I have not been slacking at all. I've been programming drums, writing and recording my ass off. I've got the first song pretty much complete. It definitely sounds good enough for a demo-type thing. I'm not a producer, so I will leave that to the pro's who know that shit well. It's been a very tedious, time-consuming & frustrating process, but the end result is always worth it. I'm literally learning to use all this equipment AS I'm recording it, so I gotta give myself some credit - I'd say I'm doing pretty damn good, considering!
I've had no problems at all with addiction & I've had no problem with my new & slightly flexible "once-a-week program". The only concern I've had recently is my lack of exercise. I'm normally a pretty active guy as far as workouts & when I slack, I feel...well...not right. BUT, I've also had a cold for the past couple of days so that excuses maybe a whole .01% of my laziness. No, again, it truly has not been sheer laziness. I've put a serious effort into the music project & I have to sacrifice some things. If it means I get a belly for a while, then so be it. I want my friggin album done! For those of you who asked, I will definitely send you a link to the first song when I finally download it (I still have to figure out how to do that too, lol).
And, you know, I'm SO okay with my "program" & myself lately that I've seriously been contemplating changing the name of this blog to "Cocaine Addiction Kinda SuckED"). Actually, it's probably better to just start another blog under the same account. Anyway, my point is that I totally feel in control now & it feels good!
Lastly, I'm pretty sure I'm about to get hired at a place which I think I'll really like. I interviewed on Friday & it went very well. I really liked the people there & it's a non-profit place, so like-minded folks will be there. The benefits are pretty much un-beatable too! I also can get a chance to learn more about non-profit organizations. I have been also thinking about trying to start my own non-profit for equal treatment & respect for the elderly (working on an ambulance for 10 years & seeing the nations nursing homes, especially "after hours" will do that to you!).

Total lack of irresponsibility

Nothing too exciting has happened lately (which usually means I'm due for something to happen soon). Things have been pretty good here. We've been getting along great & I even went out to run yesterday for the first time in months. I really hate to admit this, but I was actually missing...um...you know...that state I lived in down south. I'm sure my experience in FL has a lot to do with my negative attitude towards it, but I know there's a lot of good things about it. Running in FL was fucking awesome. No, I'm not thinking of moving back.
Squeaky and I partied again this weekend & it was awesome. Idiot has been sick, so I have not had to worry about that. I have developed a new addiction though, which is pissing me off. Not any drug, but one of these online RPG's. Damn those games are addicting! But it's seriously been drastically reducing the amount of time I've been spending on the music project. Not cool.
I also did something uncharacteristically responsible. I'm actually kind of ashamed to report that, instead of buying tickets to the Death Cab concert, I paid my cell phone bill (had to choose one or the other). I've been dying to see DCFC for the longest time too. Oh well, I can still listen to their music whenever I want.

Moderation Man

Been doing pretty good lately (hence my lack of posts!). Been working on music & keeping my partying down to about once a week, which was my goal. I did hook up with Idiot last night, but it was only for a few hours & I was fine with that. I'm supposed to go up and pick up the rest of my music gear from my ex-drummer in Wisconsin tonight. There's a chance I may not go though because Squeaky bought Metallica tickets for tonight & her friend that's supposed to go with her may cancel 'cause she's sick. She originally asked me if I wanted to go and, although they are one of my all-time favs, the last time I went to a show, we almost got into 3 fights all in one night! I guess that's what happens when there's that much testosterone flyin' around, lol. Anyway, I go to shows to have a good time, not to start shit - wtf is the point of that?
There WAS a small incident last night though. While I was partying with Idiot, I sent Squeaky a text asking her if she could give us one more hour (he showed up late, as usual). She said it was fine, but when she came home she was all pissy, so I called her on it. She said that she did not mind, but she just wanted to be home. I told her that it was obvious that she DID mind by her behavior. I pointed out that we are both passive aggressive (she actually laughed when I said that & I started to as well, lol) and we need to watch out for that shit. I told her that even though she's telling herself that she does not mind, subconsciously she does & it's just going to build up until it explodes again. I told her that I do not want that to happen again. I told her to please just say so if she disagrees next time. Hopefully she will.

My drummer is a total ANIMAL! No, seriously.

Well, shit - I can't sleep & I have not written in a while, so here I go. Not much has happened since I got here actually. Before I left Southern IL, I picked up my last pay stub from the job I left & was like "holy shit!" because it really hit me how well they actually treat their workers! There's no doubt that having money is nice, but I gotta live my life without ever getting too comfy.
I have not hooked up with Idiot (who dropped his phone AGAIN and broke it AGAIN - I know you're all shocked.). Squeaky and I have a little something planned for tonight. It's -17 degrees Fahrenheit outside. My eyelashes froze within a half a block of walking my dog this morning. So, a little indoor skiing is fiiiiiiiiiiiine with me!
As far as the music project, I've got things moving. I'm practicing my set list every day until I get it down perfectly. I'm working out the details with my ex-drummer in WI & my parents in FL to get my equipment back to me here. I'm still kind of open to the idea of working with other people, but not very enthused about it. I'm not about to have another project blow up in my face because of someone else in the band. If I have full control of the project, then I can only blame myself. But, as much as I love being alone, I have to admit that it's a lot more fun when it's a collaboration. Fuck. I knew I'd start thinking about that again. I truly have a love/hate relationship with people! If only I could teach my dog to play drums - that would be sweet.

My Own Personal Jeebus

I've finally decided that I'm going back to Chicago. I've had a long-ass time to think about shit between Squeaky & I, in fact, almost a year. I think I can forgive her (but NEVER forget) for our falling out & the things she did and said. She really does think the world of me for whatever reason. Even my aunt said that it would be foolish to let go of someone that loves me so much & actually "gets" me. Shit - I don't even get me most of the time! For a while, I was convinced that this was nothing but a suicide mission, but I honestly feel like I've grown strong enough to deal with my shit this time. I guess I needed actual proof that my problems will find me wherever I run to & that the only way to beat them is to stand up to them whenever & wherever they rear their ugly heads.
I'm not going up there without a plan either. Believe it or not, I've been making an effort to think things through. I cannot deny what I am & what my passion is and always will be. When I do, I feel dead. I died another death, so to speak, when I let my addiction take precedence over my music. Once again, I guess I needed proof that it would fuck me up that bad. I'm one stubborn ass mother fucker, lol! But I can use that stubbornness to my advantage now. There is only one I ultimately live for & that's music. It's a lifelong obsession. Music, to me, literally equals "God". There is no other reason to go on living without it. If I feel dead, then I might as well BE dead. Fuck that! Rock 'n' Roll has been in my blood ever since I can remember & I've inherited it from my father (who is an excellent musician & also encourages me). I know I have been given something very special & I'll be damned if I let it go to waste. For all I know, the music may never be heard until years after I die, and I'm okay with that. I'm happy to die trying. I'm just another human being who's mission happens to be of great importance as far as I can tell. I'm absolutely certain that love will win in the end. How do I know? Because I'm going to make damn sure of it!
And, no, this does not mean I will completely stop partying. Sex, (blank) & Rock 'n' Roll? I don't think so!!!

I Am Lord Numskull

Yea, I've been sort of MIA for the past week. As you can probably guess, I've been getting myself into trouble as usual. I'm not even sure of the fucking days here, but let's say Friday was the day I played in the snow with Squeaky (wow, that sounds gay, even though it's the one non-gay adventure I had). So, the next day, I started fiending again, so I went online and ran across someone that I used to do meth with (and vowed to never do meth again because of how shitty it makes me feel for days). Well, my vows are about as good as good as a Vegas marriage vow, so off I went to see Meth Man. I'm not going to lie, the first couple of hours were fucking amazing. Then, that feeling started to come back. The feeling of extreme nausea took over & I kept thinking "Yea, THIS is why you said you'd never do this shit again, dumbass!". I started puking, and then puking some more. But did I stop there? Hell no. Since I had actually bought an eighth of this shit from him, I decided it was a good idea to go to the sex club & do some more! Needless to say, there was no sex, but there WAS plenty more puke! Yes, I graduated from Moron to Super-Moron! Oh, but it does not end here. My standard two days of hell were to follow, and they sure as fuck did. But, on the following night, Idiot (N.S.) calls me & asks if I want to party. As you can guess, I instantly graduated to Emperor of Morons. Luckily, divine intervention occurred & my plans got canceled. Now, any normal human being would stop here and say "Wow, I lucked out this time - I'll be more careful". Not me though, because the next day (still feeling like shit), Idiot and I went out & even though I knew that the chances of me actually having a good time were close to zero, I had to chance it. Yea, it sucked. I suck. I now proclaim myself to be Lord Numskull. Of course there's only one reason why I did all this shit. I'm an addict. Plain & simple.

Modest Muse

Well, this is my 3d night in Chicago & I'm feeling pretty good. I'm staying at M.U.'s, of course. On New Year's Eve, we had a great play session. I was not expecting that because I did not think she had enough money for shit, but somehow she go it, lol. And the big question everyone is asking me lately is "are you and..."...hold on a second, I'm sick of this "M.U." shit - from now on I'm calling her "Squeaky" (because her laugh sounds like squeaking, lol). Okay, so the question everyone is asking me is "are you and Squeaky getting back together?". The best answer I can offer at this time is "quite possibly". When the new year hit, she kissed me & I actually did not feel like pulling away, lol. I can't stay too long though because I'm in my uncle's truck. Oh, and get this shit...
So, my aunt & uncle got back on Tuesday. I had told my aunt earlier that I had quit my job & she took it pretty well. I assumed that she would tell my uncle. So, they got home & I had dinner waiting for them (a kickass recipe I dug up from one of their million cook books) & everything was great. They loved the "Brazilian Beef" I made & they had offered for me to take the truck up to Chicago instead of me having to take the train. I jumped at the idea because that meant I could bring my dog & my guitar in addition to my standard travel shit. So, I helped them unpack while I packed & things were just peachy. I was JUST about to leave and said my goodbye's, when the fucking dome light would not turn off. I went back in & told my uncle about the problem. He came out and messed with it until it was fixed. Once again, I was ready to take off, but then at the very last second he asked me when I had to go back to work. OH, NO FUCKING WAY!!! Somehow, the news of my quitting did not get to him. So, I kind of fumbled for a few seconds & said "well...I don't know". He gave me a very puzzled look, then I finally just told him that I was not happy at all at that place. His entire demeanor changed to one of not being very happy. We said our goodbye's once again & my happy mood was instantly killed. The journey that followed did not help things either, believe me you, but I will spare the details.
I'm still standing by my decision though. I've been coming to terms with the fact that, to most people, I'm a complete freak. Actually, I've known that since I was about 8 years old. I guess I'm coming to terms with accepting it & really not worrying so much about what others think. I'm not happy when I'm "normal". I feel trapped & eventually, when I break out, I make a huge mess! Anyway, this mindset is very fertile ground for The Muse & I feel the strong need to start writing & performing again. I don't care anymore if I have to go out there completely alone & do open mic's. If that's what I need to do, then I'm going to do it. I think the time is now. I don't give a shit if I'm 99 years old, I'm still gonna rock if I have any life left in me!