Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Vomit-Fest Puts Me to the Test

This has been a very strange week. On Sunday night, I decided that I did not want to wait any longer, so I started looking online again for partiers in the area. And, who did I see that was online? NS. Within about 40 seconds of chatting, we decided that we should hook up that very night. I told him I'd pay for the motel room if he got more shit. I was certainly very excited about this, so I got the room about 4 hours before he was to arrive. He actually got there before I expected (which is extremely rare for him). By the time he got there, I was fiending something fierce! The first line he made was huge & I vacuumed it up as usual. Well, it was the same thing over again. The first couple of hours were pretty kickass, then towards the end, I kept trying to chase the high by doing more. This time, something happened that freaked me out. I actually got so fucked up that I could barely move. I just laid there on the bed & asked him to bring another line (thinking for some stupid reason that it would help). I did another & it did nothing. I started feeling really weird & I could hear myself starting to talk incoherently. After about 10 minutes of that, I started to feel something that felt like nausea, but I was not sure if that's what it was. Well, about 2 minutes after that, my theory proved to be right. I started throwing up. It took me so much by surprise that I did not make it to the toilet in time. I threw up 6 or 7 times, then I could not even get up. I had to crawl to the bed because I had no balance & could not see straight at all. After that, I just laid there with my hands over my face while I gasped. I honestly don't know if I was trying to cry or trying not to, but it came out as gasps, lol. I can't remember ever being that fucked up. When there's still shit left and I don't use it, you KNOW I'm fucked up as hell! I have to be grateful that I really was not in much pain though - physically anyway. Meanwhile, another set of events were starting to unfold at the home front.
My uncle has been having pretty severe back pain lately and has been given strong pain killers. They also want to do some tests on him tomorrow (which is the day they are supposed to leave). They still planned on taking the trip - only they would wait after he got the tests done. However, this morning my aunt began having really bad migraines which subsided by the time we ate dinner...or so we thought. I guess the gods felt that I had not experienced enough vomit this week. After eating, she drank some water that was apparently too cold, and it set off the migraine symptoms with a vengeance. I saw her start to run to the bathroom, as my mind flashed back to Sunday night. She did not make it either, and guess who was going to have to clean up...ding-ding-ding! Bingo! Luckily I'm pretty used to this sort of stuff because of my job, so it was not that big of a deal.
So, they've decided to cancel their trip. I'm not sure if I should feel glad that I ended up partying early or not. Either way, I'm kind of disappointed. Partying aside, I was just looking to have the place to myself for a week. That would have been pretty cool. But, I'm a beggar at this point, so I cannot be a chooser. And, that's definitely not a good combination of illnesses to have on a long road trip.
I was also informed that the sale of the property in FL is probably not going to happen. I guess I've been sort of naive about the situation (I've never done this before), but my realtor set me straight. The guy who is supposed to be the buyer has gotten turned down 3 times by the banks already for a loan. Well, I guess in Real-Estate-World, it's pretty much an in-vain effort if you are turned down even once. I had a hell of a good deal too on the place I was going to buy. Oh well, fuck it. Everything happens for a reason, right?
I could not help but notice, once again, that as soon as my mindset went back into "druggie" mode, everything just seemed to start going wrong again. Maybe I'm just being superstitious, but then again, maybe there's something to this shit. I'm more towards believing that there is. The same exact goddamn thing happened in FL.
I've also noticed that, just from that one day binge, my body is not responding the same. My vision is still kind of weird, I'm very tired, my mind is slow & I cannot work out as vigorously as I've been lately (trust me - I tried!). I think I actually started to like myself again before Sunday night. I think I like that feeling. I want more of it. But can I resist next time?

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Porno is Great and Real Estate

Okay, I'm pretty excited about next Friday - yea, that's the day! I've even started kind of looking around here though - not good, I know. It's going to be SO nice to have the place to myself. I have a feeling I'm going to go berserk, lol.
On the flip side, I'm doing really well physically. I did a full body strength workout followed by a non-stop 3 mile run. I actually ran further than that because I did not feel the need to stop, but I did not want to overdo it. I've only been training for 3 weeks. My legs are actually starting to look muscular. I've not had muscular legs since I was in martial arts almost 20 years ago - wow, that really makes me feel old.
In other news, I finally got my friggin' journal back. My dad mailed it back with some other stuff I left down there. Okay, I have to say that my dad is pretty damn cool. He actually put some of my DVD porn I left down there in the box, lol. That is seriously some good porn too - I thought I was going to have to buy that shit all over again.
I'm making an offer on a condo here in town. I'm a bit worried about buying something without having a job, but I will actually have enough money to keep me going for a couple years if need be (I'm selling property in FL). I'm not rich by any means. This is really all I have, so it's kinda scary, but the deal I would be getting on this place is too good to pass up. I'm definitely getting a hell of a lot more bang for my buck than I would in Chicago (or just about anywhere else).

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

The Drifter-Taming Dilemma

So, it actually looks like a have a real chance at getting back on my feet. I checked out a condo here yesterday and I think it would be stupid not to buy. Then all I would need is a job! Well, that last sentence was only half sarcastic because I also talked to a person a couple days ago from a company which I sent my resume to. I have to take an entry test to get in. I've been unemployed for so long that I'm nervous about it. I have to study my ass off if I'm going to take the test, which is this Thursday. I probably can reschedule for a later test in another couple of weeks. Maybe I should since I plan on partying at the end of the month. Speaking of which...
The thought has crossed my mind on more than one occasion to cancel my little party, but it's unlikely that will happen, lol. I'm already feeling guilty for planning it & I'm worried that this may be what "taints" my new promising situation. I'm telling myself that it won't. I've told myself that before. Fuck. I'm seeing real hope now for the first time in years. Would I really fuck this up again after what I've been through? I sure as hell hope not. I really am sick of being a fucked up person. I would love to find a good female to settle down with. I've said that before too, lol. Oh well, we shall see, right?

Friday, October 10, 2008

Making Friends with an Archnemesis

I'm definitely in the most promising situation I have been in in a looooooooooooong time. Even though I have not found work yet, I'm feeling pretty good overall. I'm finally back up to the point where I can run 2 miles without walking some of it. I've done 4 miles recently, but I had to walk some of it. I'll get there. Baby steps.
This week has been the first in which I've gone to school in order to prepare myself for my math entry test. It's a bitch. I have an extreme case of math anxiety. The first time I went there with my aunt to check it out (the math tutorial system) my hands were literally shaking. There's a reason behind this. In recent years, I've come to see math as my arch enemy in life. I can honestly say that my lack of understanding of the subject has literally ruined my life, and has contributed to my addiction without a doubt. It has forced me to give up 2 different majors in college. With my first major, you DID need math for the actual job in the real world. But my second attempt at college was majoring in psychology. Give me one good reason why a clinical psychologist needs to be good at college-level math. It's fucking BULLSHIT that it is a requirement to get a psychology degree. Total fucking BULLSHIT!!! What's even more frustrating is that I know I would make a pretty kickass psychologist. But hey, I suck at advanced math...so much for that idea. Okay, I think you should have an idea about my feelings towards math, lol.
Anyway, my point is that I'm giving it my all (again), but this time I'm going to do my best to keep a positive attitude towards it. I can honestly say that I have had many instances where I've actually liked math. It's like a puzzle. Puzzles can be fun. I've just got to chill. Yup, gonna chill *takes long deep breaths*.
I'm still thinking about the end of the month. I've got 3 people that I can party with, but I need to pick only one...maybe two...no, I can't be greedy...one...maybe two *ugh!*.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Marathon Man

I've been completely clean for 9 days now & I do feel pretty good by comparison overall. There has been so little to do here in my new town, so I've made sure to keep myself occupied with things I will benefit from in the long run. I've discovered that my aunt has a bunch of exercise equipment in the basement here including a Bowflex (which I must admit, I was skeptic at first but I'm now a fan), treadmill, and bicycle. I've kicked my workout routine into high gear & I decided to start training for the 2009 IL Marathon. I don't know if I'm going to do the full marathon because to me it's kind of like breaking your own leg for a medal, but I have people around me that are telling me it's really not that bad. Either way, I'm doing at LEAST the half-marathon. 13.1 miles sounds reasonable to me rather than 26.2 at this point. I have more than enough time to train this time (I tried training for the Chicago Marathon a few years back, but started too late). Anyway, I'm glad to report that so far I'm doing great!
Today was the first day that I've actually gone out on my own to do my own thing (no, not coke). I actually found a pretty cool cafe downtown & hung out there for hours doing some studying up on my skills for jobs I'm applying for in the area and drinking iced chi. I was surprised at how much I actually remember even though I've not really worked in that capacity in over a year. Nonetheless, I don't want to look like a retard when I take the routine entry tests. And, speaking of tests, I got my "gonumber1" kit today, so they can drug test me all they want.
Yes, I still DO plan to see and party with CE at the end of the month. Hey, I never said I was going "cold turkey"!

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Die, insomnia, die!

I got here to my aunt's on Saturday night. I partied for the "last" time on Friday with MU. NS was already calling me as I was driving down. So, I've been clean for 4 days so far. Before I left, I ordered my favourite drug-test-buster, the "Number One" for urine tests. I've used them 3 times already, and they are flawless. I'll even give them a plug: http://www.gonumber1.com
I still don't know for sure that I'm going to apply for a job yet because I'm still finding out information about Australia. If I end up going, I'm going to make it as soon as possible. I have to get out of this limbo state - I can't stand it.
I'm not going to lie - I have been thinking about coke every day since I've been here. I can't sleep worth shit, which makes it even worse somehow. It's very easy to get bored down here & I'm feeling the effects. Boredom, as any drug addict trying to quit knows, is not good for staying clean. That's another reason this limbo shit is driving me nuts.
My behaviour is definitely revealing the part of me that does not want to quit. I'm already making plans to see a friend (who is struggling to quit too) at the end of the month. She lives 5 hours away from Chicago, so now she's only like 2 hours away. We'll call her "CE". She's a pretty cool stoner chic that I met on line a few years ago. In my head I'm thinking "I just need to cut down a lot on my skiing and not necessarily quit altogether". It will definitely be much harder to use while I'm here. My family has got a close eye on me, now that the word has gotten out.
I'm going to try and get back to sleep. Wish me luck.