Monday, June 4, 2012

Fuck Me

Well, it was about time I should have a major regression.  Friday night was it.  The girlfriend decided she was staying in for the night, so in my state of infinite stupidity, I called my dealer.  I ordered 2 baggies and told myself "I'll get the coke and just watch porn, so at least I'm not cheating".  Got home and started right away (with my roommate home, mind you!) in my room.  I knew that even buying those two would put me into a really bad financial situation, but I resolved that everything was going to be okay because I could always just sell my bass (like I've said the past 10 times I've done this shit).  Well, this time I really AM selling it because I fucked myself even more.  After I finished the first two bags around 12:30am, I decided that I needed more.  I called the man back again hoping he was still awake.  He was, so I went and got another 2.  Fucking genius.  Not only did I get two more, but I decided to go to the local bath house.  I'll spare you all the details because quite frankly, I'm sickened by them and myself at the moment.  When I'm all fucked up, nothing matters.  I guess that's the point, but escape from reality is always temporary...and then you come down.
Now, I'm guilt-ridden once again and getting through this week is resting entirely on selling that fucking guitar.  I don't want to sell it and it pains me to do so.  I'm paying the consequences I KNEW I'd have to pay.  I feel that sense of hopelessness coming back and settling inside me.  This is NOT who I want to be, and never has been.  Never in a million years would I have imagined my life would end up like this back before I snorted that first line.  I keep trying and trying to fight back with my spiritual side and everything I've learned to combat this shit. Obviously, I've not learned enough.  More negative karma is what I'm getting.  More of what I already have plenty of.
I guess the one good thing that came out of this shit is that I erased my dealer's number from my phone.  At the very fucking least, I have to stop buying the shit because it's really taking a tremendous toll.  I'm so angry right now and guilty.  I feel so fucking hopeless.  I just chanted and don't feel any better.  I want this to end, but I know that feeling will return once the weekend comes around again.  It's GOT to stop...and NOW.