Narcotics Anonymous

I went to my first NA meeting on Thursday. It went really well and I felt pretty comfortable. There was no religious crap going on or anything like that. It was just a bunch of recovering addicts trying to help each other out. The general consensus is that it works. I'm definitely going back. This may actually be what I've been needing. They focus on personal issues, with the drug addiction being a SYMPTOM of them. I've got nothing to lose & in fact, I think I may make some friends there (something I need badly!). The stage is set for friendships because we are all there with a common problem and goal. I accepted a white key chain, which was a promise to myself not to use for that day. I DID make it though the rest of the day, BUT at 12:31am the next morning, I was using again, lol. My ex is in town, so we have been planning this "party" for some time now. It actually did not go anywhere near as well as planned - mainly because this is probably the worst time for her to have come visit. I was so fucking stressed out by my home situation that I had a very hard time keeping my mind off of it. My friend in Pompano said that he could get us more shit for tonight if we wanted. I'm not sure what to do. Well, I know what I SHOULD do, but I don't know what I WILL do. Baby steps, I guess.

Completely out of control

I fucked up big time. My ex made the mistake of letting me hold on to the blow intended for this weekend. Well, guess what. Yea, ALL of it. It started with "I'm just going to do one good line, then leave the rest alone. Bullshit. After I got the highest high, I kept chasing it relentlessly until I finished all four fucking bags! I'm extremely pissed at myself right now & severely depressed. The good news is that I've found a way to replace the shit for the weekend. The bad news is that it's going to fuck me in the ass financially. My bank account will go into the negatives, and everyone knows what happens from there. So far, I don't see a way to stop it from happening. This is proof that I cannot do this on my own. After my binge, I called my friend, TL, who is an ex-addict. She strongly suggested that I go to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting. I'm going to take her advice. I can't keep doing this shit. It's killing me inside. I don't even feel like a likable person any more. I'm so disconnected from everyone and it seems like all I care about is getting fucked up. I don't want to be that kind of person. I hate myself right now, and that's no way to live. I know that the situation here at home is not helping, but it's still no excuse.

Pistol grip pump on my lap at all times

So I come out of my room the night before last, and "EM" (mom's soon-to-be ex-b-friend) follows me to the kitchen asking "what''s this?". I'm like "what's what?". He picks up the mail that I had brought in earlier and turns the pile over to the bottom where there was a square of butter stuck to the bottom letter (which, of course happened to be his). I told him I did not see the butter there, but of course he thinks I did it on purpose. THEN, he shows me this paper plate and asks me why I put it into the garbage disposal. I told him I did not do that, but he acted like he was convinced that I did. Then he started talking shit and told me not to "fuck" with him like 3 times, so I got really pissed. I told HIM "well, don't fuck with ME!". After going back and forth for a bit, he got all hot headed and I guess he was trying to scare me or something, so he took off his shirt acting like he was gonna fight me as I was hooking my dog up to take him for a walk. I told him to go ahead and make the first move, which he wouldn't. He kept talking shit and calling me all sorts of names. I told him again "I'm right here, pussy, do something then." Again, he would not. I said, "yea, 'cause you know your fuckin' ass is going to jail, bitch", then took my dog out (my dog by the way would not hurt a fly, so that was not a factor, lol). We ignored each other the rest of the day until my mom got home. That's when he started talking shit again ( I guess to impress her - what a fucking idiot!). Once again, I told him if he wanted a piece of me, I was right there. Then he did the dumbest thing he could have done. He threatened my life in front of my mom! I mean, what a fucking moron! Needless to say, my mom wants to kick him out, but he will not leave. She refuses to get the cops involved because she fears he will retaliate (which I agree with). This guy is a fucking psycho, and I DO believe that he will kill me if he gets a chance to do it, but his dumb ass already made the threats in front of a witness. So, here I am in the house just waiting to see what the fuck happens. My mom is convinced that he won't harm her, but I don't trust him worth shit. I've been carrying a piece on me ever since the threat. I'm a peaceful guy, but if he tries to harm me or anyone I love (including my dog), I WILL take his ass out. Also, I'm convinced that the whole paper plate thing was something HE did to try and frame me. Think about it logically. First off, there's no way that the paper plate could have just fallen into the small drain hole. SOMEONE had to crush it up and put it in there, so this was no accident. Second, if I wanted to "fuck" with him, why would I put something in my MOM'S garbage disposal? If I wanted to fuck with him, I could easily key his car or fuck up his flat-screen TV. There are plenty of other things I could do that would not affect my mom. His story doesn't even make sense! What a fucking asshole.

I think I'm cool with this

Ok, so I went to party again last night with my friends in Pompano. WOW, that was a great time!!! The only thing that sucks is when we're outta shit, I tend to get depressed, lol. This time, I actually went out there mainly because I wanted to get the hell out of the house. My mom's b-friend has become a real dick towards me and I think if I would have not left, we may have gotten into a fight. I swear, I was ready to go off on him like a mad dog. It started earlier when I recieved a complimentary "package" from a friend. It was enough to have a little fun for an hour or so. So, I popped in some good porn and did a couple lines (saving a few big ones for the "grand finale"). Just as I'm getting really into it, Fuckbrain walks in (I was in my room with the door closed) and starts making all kinds of noise. I tried to pretend I was sleeping, so what does he do? He turns on the vaccuum and starts bumping it against the walls and my door, which I'm sure was totally on purpose. So, I went into the bathroom and tried to finish off with a decent orgasm at least, but it was too late. I did the last of it, but I was already really pissed and the high was ruined.

Anyway, I think I'm okay with this once-a-week thing. I actually just got done working out even though I was all fucked up last night. One of my main concerns with doing coke has been that it tends to put me out of commission for the day after I do it. Not this time!

I'm also very aware that I tend to do it a lot more when I have nothing else to do (duh!), which has me kind of worried because I'm still out of work (except for a side job that I do for a few hours a week). But, I've decided that I will be going back to school. Unfortunately, classes don't start until the end of January. Still, it means moving to where I've always wanted to go - Boulder, CO. That will be fucking sweet!

Also, the countdown has begun for my "Fuck-Fest Weekend"! She is flying down here in about a week. That's going to be SO much fun. As for ML, I've not talked to her much. I think we're both assuming that it's not working out as we thought it would, and it's just fading naturally (thank God!). I already told her that I would be leaving for school.

The Big Bang

Did some more skiing last night - actually had a lot of fun! I've felt shitty all day today, but hey - that shit don't come without a price. Even though I'm still doing coke, I feel like I have it much more under control than I did in Chicago. The reason for this is because NS is out of the picture here. Back there, I would party one night a week with the girlfriend, then NS would call me (sometimes more than once a week) to party with him. I think I can actually call myself a "weekend warrior" now legitimately.

Speaking of the [ex]girlfriend, guess who is coming down for a few days on vacation. Yup, "MU", the ex. We're actually getting along pretty well now and have sent texts back and forth many times now (I'm all about the text - not really a phone person). Anyway, we're gonna have plenty of shit with us and I'm gonna fuck the living shit out of her! I must admit, I've not found a girl that is as much fun in bed as she. She loves to get real dirty and nasty, just like me and we both cannot wait, lol! We're already planning what things we will need to bring to the hotel. So far, we need to make sure there is a full-length mirror, chairs, my wooden paddle, collar & chain, outfits...well, you get the idea. We may even add some other people to the mix. She has gotten really good (and I'm proud to say that she learned everything from me, lol!). Yes, I AM entertaining the possibility of getting back with her. I don't like the fact that I'm thinking about it, but I am. That girl would seriously do anything for me, and she's a very good sub when she wants to be. Damn-it, why is life so confusing? Oh, yea - otherwise it would be pretty boring!

What the fuck am I doing?

I'm gonna make this short and to the point. I just got back from doing "hard" for the 2d time. I came down here to cure my drug addiction and it only seems to be getting worse. I don't even like the shit too much. I just spent money I don't have, and I'm very disappointed in myself. I can't beleive this. What the fuck do I do?