Fucked to the power of infinity

So, where the fuck have I been this past week? Well, AT&T (BUNCH OF FUCKING INCOMPETENT ASSHOLES!!!) decided to cut off MU's Internet service even though she made the payment. So, I'm at the Internet cafe now. She called them and bitched up a storm to the point where they told her to find another service. So, if I'm not here for a while - you know why. But that's not the only reason I may not be here...

As I've been staying here, I've been skiing about twice a week. Last night I did not really even want to, but MU had already gotten the shit and she wanted to. I inhaled that shit like there was no tomorrow & we were done with all 3 bags within 3 hours. It was barely fun. The whole night, I had a feeling that something was wrong & I was right (although I'm sure guilt had something to do with it too, but this was stronger than the usual guilt feeling). Just as we had started I saw that my phone was ringing & it was my dad. I figured I would just talk to him in the morning and shut my phone off to concentrate on partying.

I called my dad back at around 11 or so this morning and he sounded weird from the get-go. After a few minutes, I finally found out what had happened. The whole time I've been up here, I've been regretting not bringing my paper journal (which is even more personal than this one). Instead, I locked it up in a chest at my mom's place along with my old journals that go back to 1995. Well, apparently I did NOT grab my latest journal (which goes back to 2002) and left it right on the fucking bed at my dad's! Yea, FUCK ME! He claims to only have read a couple pages, but he read the right ones if that's the case. He's fully aware that I'm doing fucking coke and with who, etc. I'm 1200 miles away from my personal journal and anyone can read it now and there ain't SHIT I can do about it. FUCK! The next day, of course, he was going to meet with my mom for some business matter & they discussed it. She is coming into town on Monday. My mom is one of those super anti-drug people and she's going to shit. I have no idea what the fuck is going to happen. For all I know, she's going to get my entire family up here to confront me like on one of those fucking sitcoms or something. She might do her damnedest to have me check into a rehab. Maybe that's good. I don't know. Maybe that's what I need. Last night, I was sure I was going to be able to handle the problem finally by replacing my bad habits with good ones, but I've told myself that before and been wrong. In a strange way, I'm kind of glad that it's out in the open now. I just don't want this shit to go overboard.

My dad was not angry, but very worried. I know my mom will be the same, but probably with a bit more anger. He was also telling me that he really wanted me to stay down in FL, but to do what makes me happy. He's also pretty sure he is going to lose his house and his wife is going to lose her job if she misses one day or is late only once from now until February. They did an assessment on the house, and literally doubled his taxes. This is fucked. I had an actual plan yesterday before all of this shit hit the fan & I was quite satisfied with it. I was going to get my own place away from MU, get my old job back (I already talked to people from there and they said it was likely), and get involved with some health-related groups (health club, yoga, Kung-Fu, etc.). Now that this has happened, I'm not sure I will be able to even get my own place because my mom was going to help me out with that.

I'm trying to tell myself that all of this is happening for a good reason, and it probably is. I DO know that even if my little plan works out like I described, I still would not be happy eventually, unless I "moved up" job-wise, which likely would involve me getting a degree of some sort. What might happen now is that I might end up moving to Southern IL with my aunt and going to school. That would be the most logical thing. It's POSSIBLE that I might return to FL, but I'm going to fight that very strongly. I DO feel bad for my dad, and that may be the only thing that would bring me back.

Anyway, so that's my life right now. I have no fucking idea what the fuck is going to happen. I guess I will have a better idea on Monday. I'm going to try and get online to write as much as I can, but I don't know how much that is going to be. Writing in here actually helps me feel better and you all reading this who have left feedback are much appreciated. It DOES help. I'd better check my e-mail before my minutes run out. Peace.

Fluoxetine, you are my heroine

My happy pills seem to be stabilizing somewhat. I've been able to think more positively today, which has put me on a better frequency. I've had more energy and only a couple of "dips" during the day. I ran a couple of miles earlier, which felt really good. I feel like I'm finally going to get back into good shape like I was before I became a total druggie. I even ran into a former co-worker while I was walking my dog. She was very surprised to see me, as I was to see her. We talked for a while & apparently I had a pretty strong impression on my old partner (whom she's pretty tight with) because she still talks about me a lot, lol. I feel kind of bad because I always would get kind of annoyed with her, but she was nice enough. Anyway, she told me that a lot of the people that were there before are no longer there and that they are desperate for people that do my job. She was pretty sure that I would get the job again if I applied. Honestly, I would love to be back there. And I'm sorry this sounds so vague, but I have to keep it this way for privacy purposes.

I still think back to that night that changed everything. Because of someone else who decided to get shitface drunk then drive into me, I had to take a drug test. So, instead of pissing hot, I walked out. I did it because if you piss hot, the whole industry will know about it. It was better to just walk away. The problem is...ummmm...this happened once before too. They already took me back once. But, knowing them, they would probably take me back again. I'm sure they have dealt with much worse! I was always on time & did my job well. I was just a big pot-head at the time. But I never came to work stoned or lit up on the job either. That's what pisses me off about those fucking drug tests. What do they care what I do during my time off? Anyway, I'm trying to find out if a certain person is still there. If she is not, then I'm pretty sure I'll get in. That would be SO fucking cool!

Oh, and we're all set for tomorrow's festivities.

Oh, shit! I almost forgot. I got a phone call from ML (my ex-fling from Florida) earlier. I did not answer, but she left a voicemail. The voicemail said that she was pregnant, but not to worry about it because she's going to "take care of it". Honestly, I think she's bullshitting. We DID have sex a couple of times unprotected (she had to twist my arm because I'm the Condom King), but she also told me that she cannot get pregnant because of her surgery. I'm not too worried about it, but I was just shocked when I got the message!

Nice, nice. Flotation device.

Man, these psychotropic drugs can do some weird shit sometimes. So, I kept on being depressed for hours after I posted my last entry & all of the sudden, I felt like I could work out. I went to my weight bench, and vaboom! I had a pretty damn good workout! I'm feeling better now - definitely more confident and focused. I have a clearer picture of how to work this whole thing out & I don't feel completely trapped right now, which is a HUGE relief. I've been wanting, but procrastinating, to talk to MU about possibly trying to work things out. I know she wants to & I know she would be ecstatic. When I left here, she said and did some really bad things that hurt a lot, but I have to take part of the blame for driving her to that. I tend to drive people around me crazy. Another of my wonderful talents! Anyway, she's one of those rare people that you may or may not ever meet who just thinks the sun shines out of your ass (stealing a line from Juno) no matter what you do. She seriously thinks the world of me (for whatever reason).

Caught in the undertow

Okay, so usually when I take Prozac, my mood improves. It seemed like it was starting to help yesterday until I got up this morning. I had a hard time sleeping & didn't get to bed until around 3am, then got woken up again at 5am by an ambulance - THEN, again by construction in my building which started around 8 or so. Anyway, when I got up, I was feeling pretty damn depressed again & even had those "bad" thoughts popping in again. I don't want to say "suicidal" thoughts because technically they weren't. I was like I would think "okay, well what the hell am I going to do even if I do go back down to FL and get my shit? That's IF I make it back.". I've become extremely asocial & that is not a good mode to be in when looking for work. Today, I have not even looked. I've tried to work out, but decided to eat ice cream and write in my blog instead. Maybe I'll try later. I feel so goddamn inadequate right now. I feel like I have not got shit to give and I'm living off of other people. It might seem like a joy-ride at first glance, but nothing could be further from the truth. I was independent. I was on a road to greater goals and prosperity until I fucking fell & decided to "take a break for a while". It's like I saw myself finally getting somewhere & then I just sabotaged the whole fucking thing. Perhaps it's just another form of my self-destructive tendencies. I'm so sick of it. I want out NOW. At this point though, it seems impossible to get out. I've burned too many bridges & replaced good habits with bad ones. I know there IS a way out, but I can't see shit right now. This sucks giant chupacabra ass.

Drug Tales

On Monday, as MU was leaving for her babysitting job, she asked me if I was going to see NS & I told her "no". In fact, the thought had not even occurred to me until she mentioned it. So, of course, I called him and he was at work and did not get back until Tuesday night. Well, even though I was depressed that I had even called him & was feeling like shit the whole day, I called & we hooked up. He had gotten 2 bags (these are bigger than the ones we usually get from TM). We did both of them in about 2.5 hours. I think one reason it went so fast was because it was weak shit (the guy he gets it from has told him before "if you don't like it, you don't have to buy it"). I was actually kinda glad that it turned out that way because had it been good shit, I would have been feeling extremely shitty afterwards, which I really didn't. So, overall the night was okay & I was kinda glad that my stupid plan was semi-foiled.

I also FINALLY went back on my anti-depression med (Prozac) on Sunday night. I felt it really start to kick in yesterday. I tried going off of it a few times during my 15 years or so of taking it, and have always been relieved to go back on. I know I have actually made a shitload of progress in fighting off depression since then & I guess I always want to see if maybe I can do it without the drug. Hopefully I can get back on track now. I feel slightly more focused & I don't have the suicidal thoughts popping in periodically, so that's good. Ah, drugs - what would we do without them!

History Repeating Itself

Last night was a complete roller coaster. I dropped off MU to her babysitting job through solid traffic and back, then my phone rang as I was on my final stretch. It was "the man", who I'll just start calling "TM" from now on. He was taking the train back from a baseball game and asked if I could pick him up from the station, then we could go get the shit. So, I turned around and went to meet him. Luckily it was not far from where I was. He was pretty drunk when I picked him up & said that we needed to wait for a call from his higher-up, so we drove back to the apartment to wait. He pulled out some bumps for us to do as we drove, which was cool. TM also runs a recording studio, and an open mic, which he's always bugged me to go to, but I never had. I've never done it mainly because of two reasons. First, I've always collaborated with other people, so I would be playing only a part of a complete song. The second reason is that it's always on a Friday, which has usually been when we've picked up our shit, which means that MU and I (especially my impatient ass) anxiously await to party and fuck the shit out of each other after we get it. So, I was playing him some stuff on the guitar & he was saying that I should definitely start working with him on a collaboration. He said I was a total asshole for never showing up at his open mics. I know. I totally am, lol.

So, we got the call and went to do the pick-up, then off to drop him off at his place. He wanted me to come in to do the exchange and show me his latest work. So, we went in. I noticed the studio looked a lot nicer than the last time I was there. This is the first time he played me any of HIS stuff. The first song was actually pretty good, but everything after that was just not really what I would like to work with. The hooks were very weak and the arrangement was bland. I was kinda hoping that I would be able to just record an album there and pay him for the studio time (which he has offered before), but now I think that he will want to work together. Fuck!

After that, I decided to go with him to check out the bar where he hosts the open mic. I wanted to hang with him for a while so that he would not be TOO pissed when I did not show up that night, lol. So I went there and the setup was okay. He introduced me to a few people, but my anxiety level was steadily rising. I stayed there for a short time, then I finally left. Now, we had been doing bumps ever since I picked him up, so I already had a decent buzz going.

I drove back home already knowing what would happen, even though I promised MU that it would not. The first thing I did when I got in was open one of the packages. I was only going to so a couple lines (which is always what I tell myself). Needless to say, that's not where it stopped. Luckily, I was able to half-way control it and only almost finish one package (we got 4). When she came home, I did not even tell her because I did not want to ruin things for our party. We started almost immediately. The sex was awesome & we were both really into it. It was great up until the very end when I had to tell her that there was no more. I was SO pissed at myself. Surprisingly, she was only slightly upset, but more worried about me. She actually held me on the couch while I stared off into the distance thinking about how much I fucking hate myself. I'm worried that this shit is just going to start all over again. I know that as long as I don't find work, and have nothing to do, the likelihood is very high. MU was crying earlier because she is so worried about me. Fuck.

Depress Mode

The shit finally got to us last night around 8pm. MU had to drive over there to pick it up, and came back with a single bag, which supposedly was 3 in 1. It did not look like that to me, but whatever - I was fiending bad & I knew that was enough. I will say that it was more pure than usual, but that did not stop me from making huge-ass lines, as usual. We partied for about 4 hours and had some great power exchange sex. What's really cool is that "the man" felt so bad for having MU wait so long, that he's going to hook us up this weekend with 3 more at the price of just the one he owes us. Bonus!

Other than that, my life has still been pretty depressing. I still have not found a job, although I've been looking half-heartedly. It's kind of discouraging when you know that the government is going to take about 40% of your fucking paycheck (I get an extra 10% garnished for unpaid school loans). But I HAVE been looking. I noticed that my old job (which I vowed never to return to because they treat their employees like shit) is hiring. It has been very humiliating that I'm actually considering going back. At least I would be able to work as a professional again & not some entry-level bullshit job. I've also considered nannying...or becoming a "manny" as they call it. The pay would be unmatched even if I worked at my ex-employer's - mainly because it would be cash. But doing that shit, especially as a guy in his 30's is just not something I would be comfortable with. Either way, I'm gonna have to swallow my fucking pride in some way.

I talked to my dad earlier & told him, again, that I plan on moving back to Chicago. He told me again that he really does not want me to come back & that he really needed me there. I feel so bad about this. I know my mom feels the same way, but she knows how much I dislike living in FL, so she understands. Why is life so friggin complicated? I know I have to do what's best for me right now, even though it's selfish. I've been battling severe clinical depression since I was a teenager & I swear that lately, it feels like all my efforts have been in vain. I've actually had suicidal thoughts pop into my head. Not cool. MU suggested that I go back on Prozac. I think she's probably right.

Divine BULLSHIT!!!

Yea, so last night did not even happen. Apparently there's been some of the biggest busts ever in Chicago and us cokeheads are feeling the impact. Actually, what happened last night apparently, was that he WAS offered some to sell, but "the man" tasted it and refused because it was "weak shit". At least we know that he's lookin' out for the quality. Luckily, we all know that these things are only temporary. So, here I am again waiting to hear from "the man" to see if we get to party tonight. This wait is fucking agonizing & I gotta make sure there is something else to distract me in case it does not happen again. Yesterday, I actually picked up my old hollowbody guitar (which is old and slightly out of tune due to age-related defects) and played a lot, which felt good.
My aunt called me yesterday too and said that she know a guy who manages a pretty popular band who is in need of a guitarist. I called him, but unfortunately they are looking for a "flaminco" style guitarist, which I'm just not. My heart is with rock 'n' roll (and some jazz - you just can't beat jazz as far as musicianship).

Divine Intervention?

So I was supposed to pick up a hearty supply of blow last night so we could party today (MU just got back from Denver). I gave the "man" the cash, and he said he would be back shortly. About an hour later, all hell broke loose. I swear, even in Florida, I have not seen the sky look so threatening! Sure enough, there was a friggin tornado watch for the exact area I'm staying in. I heard the alarms go off & shut the storm windows. At first, I really thought that it might have been possible that a hurricane had somehow made it to Chicago, lol. Strangely, my dog was very calm. Anyway, finally he gives me a call and tells me that he has not been able to even reach the main dude. Fucking great. I had it all planned out too. I was going to pick her up from the airport, then just go apeshit on her. Instead, here I am writing in my stupid blog again. We still have not heard a word. This sucks.

My Other Addiction

I'm back in Chicago, and I plan to stay! I got here about a week ago. I was SO glad to get the hell out of Florida, and even more glad that I was returning to my beloved hometown. Yes, my other addiciton is Chicago. And, yes, the cocaine - I'm getting to that...
The original plan was for me to stay with my friend, RM, but she just had two kids and it just did not make sense for me to stay there while trying to look for work (she also lives in the burbs). So, I came to stay with my ex (MU), who I have to admit, I've missed. My dog is also here, so I'm very happy to be able to see him. And, of course, MU likes to party and have intense nasty sex! She apparently got the stuff the weekend before I came here. I noticed she was being very vague about how much she had (she said she was going to try and get 3 packages). When playtime came, there was only one. She told me that she had been able to only get 2, and that she just put them both in one bag. I commented that it did not look like it amounted to 2, but was cool with it. The sex was amazing, as usual. Afterwards, she admitted to me that she had done some already, and that she was scared of becoming addicted. STOP! Wait a minute...
She said that she had been doing it every Friday, and she looked forward to her fridays now because she could escape for a while. I commented that "once a week" was what WE used to do, and she never had a problem with it. I felt like some sort of manipulation was in progress. I asked her if she did it alone, & she said "yes" and that "thats what porn is for". The last quote is exactly what I said when I did all that coke she sent down when she came to visit in FL. I asked her straight out "Are you being honest, or is this some sort of manipulation thing?". She said she was really scared of the addiction, and brought up the fact that she looked forward to Fridays again. I still smell a rat, but I don't know. I know that she wants me back more than anything, and I don't think she knows that I've been considering getting back with her very seriously. I really think that if we could keep it down to doing it just once a week, we will be fine. The problem before was that I was doing that in addition to partying with NS once, and sometimes twice a week. That's when things got really bad.
When I came up here, I really thought I would be able to just ignore NS, and not even let him know I was here. Well, MU went out of town for the week, leaving me here alone. I smoked some weed, and my inhibitions disappeared, so I called him. Needless to say, we partied on Friday. I WAS actually surprised that I actually called him. I really felt that I was through with that. Another former party person called me as well. He's been sending me texts to come party with him, but so far I've resisted. I really don't want to fall back into that fucking trap again & I'm scared. I worked out today for the first time in a long time, and it feels so good to do that again. I want THAT to be my habit that I do several times a week - not coke.
She is coming back on Tuesday. Apparently she has stuff already lined up for us to party. I can't wait! Damn, why is that shit so good???