The Idiot's Guide to GPS

I did not expect to hear from N.S. this week. Last time we hooked up, I tried to wake him up in the morning, but he was in deep sleep. So I took off & took the rest of the coke with me (technically it was mine - I just had not paid him for it yet, which basically means he's not getting paid, lol. Yea, I'm an ass, lol.) Anyway, I thought that, since I had not heard from him in over a week, he was pissed. Maybe he was, but he called Thursday & was like nothing happened, so hey - whatever. We ended up hooking up the following night. The shit was pretty damn good & the crash afterward did not include the standard deep bout of depression, so I was happy about that. In fact, it took less than 24 hours for my sinuses to recover. Good shit, man!
Now let me explain why I'm an ass to him. Basically he's a friggin idiot! He and I have been playing for about 8 years now & I think he's been on time maybe 10 times during that whole period! I'm not even exaggerating. It's like impossible for him to get from point A to point B without doing a bunch of bullshit in between. Now, most of the stops that are done in between could all be done in one shot, but that's rarely how it goes because his dumb ass forgets and either has to go back or find another place. And he whines a lot (I'm talking much more than I do!). He'll FINALLY get here, then start complaining about some shit that I have nothing to do with & I'm thinking "shut the fuck up already & let's get this shit started!!". Oh, and just one more thing I have to bring up that happened this weekend with him. He is the only mother fucker I know that can make a wrong turn & not realize until he's 6 miles off track...USING A GPS SYSTEM!!! How the fuck do you get that far off your intended route while using a working goddamn GPS??? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGGH!!! *Deep breaths* Needless to say, the only reason I still hook up with him is because of the coke. It's pathetic. I know.
Anyway, so here I am almost fully recovered & preparing myself for the return of the aunt & uncle. I'm dreading this. I have to tell them that I quit, then that I'm thinking of moving back to Chicago. This will undoubtedly cause an uproar with my family. They just came back from FL and DID visit my mom and dad. I would find it surprising if a conversation did not come up about my cocaine use. If my aunt did not know how bad it had gotten in Chicago, she will know now. M.U. keeps telling me not to worry because I'm an adult & I can do whatever I want. I know, but there is still a tremendous amount of pressure on me.
Of course, M.U. has her own reasons for wanting me to move back. She tells me she loves me every time she sees me & I know she does. Yea, I DO love her back, but I can't say it to her - at least not yet. I'm still scarred like a mother fucker from my previous relationship, and not to mention she shit M.U. herself did before our big break-up. I really do feel like she actually "gets" me though. I can't say that about many people at all. I know I'm virtually impossible to deal with & she deals anyway. She's a sweet girl, but can be a real irrational cunt when she's pissed. I guess we all can. I just don't want to go back there and get myself into the same situation that I worked so hard to get away from. If there was something that changed, I would be less hesitant, but I can't think of much that has. If N.S. is still in the picture (which he will be), it's going to be very difficult to keep that from happening again, unless I occupy myself with other stuff. That's the only thing that may be able to save me. If I work & start school up there, that may be the key. Roll on, roller-fucking-coaster!

Language Fail

Okay, that was fun. Unless you can read Hindi (I can't), you're probably wondering WTF is up with that last post. Well, I did something with the settings the other day which changed everything I write into Hindi & I could not figure out how to switch it back until now. I'm going to leave it there because I think it's kind of amusing that you can tell where I'm swearing by the exclamation points, lol!
Anyway, as I began to write before I was rudely interrupted by this little incident...
This last mega-depression bout did not last as long as I thought it would. In fact, it was less than 24 hours. By the next day I was cranking the music, cooking & singing again, so it's been good for the most part. I'm still stressing over what the hell I'm going to do when the folks get back. I'm considering just telling them that I got fired instead of having to go through the reasons why I quit. So, here I am again, making up lies to cover up other lies & I just don't like that shit!
Throughout all this bullshit though, I have a genuine feeling that I'm taking a big step closer to finding out who I really am. I'm not even exactly sure what that means, but it makes me feel better, so fuck it! No, seriously, I have a feeling that I have a better idea of which general direction I should point this ship in. Most of my life has been spent just spinning in circles with the occasional mirage of land in sight. Maybe this is just another of those mirages. Maybe life is a big fucking mirage. What the hell do I know?
Okay, I promised myself that I would fill out applications for culinary schools in London and Paris. I need to do that and cook. Laters & to all my readers - happy holidays! :-D

इन्स्तंत हिन्दी

ओके, सो इ स्टार्टेड व्रितिंग थिस ब्लॉग अ फेव मिनुतेस अगो & इ'म नोटिसिंग ठाट एवेर्य्थिंग इ राइट इस नो तुर्निंग इन्तो हिन्दी चरक्टेर्स! व्त्फ़? इ वास मेस्सिंग विथ थे सेत्तिंग्स थे ओथेर डे & इ मुस्त हवे दोने सोमेथिंग। ग्रेट। सो, अस इ'म व्रितिंग थिस (सिंस इ दोन'टी क्नोव हाउ तो रीड हिन्दी), अल इ कैन सी इस थे वर्ड इ'म कर्रेंत्ली व्रितिंग, व्हिच इस प्रेत्टी फुच्किंग अन्नोयिंग! वहत'स मोरे अन्नोयिंग इस ठाट इ कैन'टी फिगुरे आउट हाउ तो स्वित्च आईटी बेक। इ'डी बेत्टर चेक तो सी इफ आईटी'स गोइंग तो अच्तुअल्ली पुब्लिश थिस वे। *उघ!!!!!!*

Diary of a Madman

The party with M.U. last night went pretty well until the end. The guy we played with last time came over too. He's cool with us skiing & is good company in general. The last time, it was one of those threesomes that is just uncomfortable & awkward because everyone is nervous. This time we knew the third person, so it was much more comfortable. M.U. even admitted that she had a really good time (she was not eager for a 3d person because of last time). He left about half way though, which was perfect. Everything was going really well still until probably the last hour when I started to crash. I basically got really depressed and had to stop. It sucked. I could not stop thinking about my situation & what the fuck I'm supposed to do now. I started having "bad thoughts" again. I'm better today, but still not well by any means.
Luckily, I still have 2 Prozacs left, so I popped one earlier, which helped somewhat. I simply forgot to take one yesterday, which was not helpful, I'm sure.
One good thing about crashing I guess, for me, is that I tend to open up a bit (I have walls up that are thicker than the Cheyenne Mountain Military Fucking Command Center). I told her how much I truly despise this world & that I really don't want to do shit anymore, except get fucked up. I know I sound like an angry teenager & I suppose I'm in the same mindset as such. When you are an adult, you're somehow supposed to learn to cope with this shit & become very thick-skinned. Believe me you, I've tried. But I'm way too goddamn sensitive to ignore shit. Go ahead, call me a "pussy", "weakling", or whatever else comes to mind. I don't give a fuck. I am who I am & I'm not going to pretend that I'm not. Fuck that. I'd rather die. Maybe I will.

Escape

So, as I suspected, "slam guy" totally blew me off yesterday. I guess that's just as well - I don't need to be making this shit any worse. The thing that pissed me off was that he strung me along all fucking day. What a dick.
I had my interview, but I'm not sure I'm being considered. In fact, I'm not even sure I would want it anyway because of the pay. It was not a surprise, but the pay is less than half as what I was making in my previous job. But, that's how you start out in any Carrier, right? The interviewer was actually a pretty sexy Asian chic. It was very informal & she was all punked out (definitely NOT what you would expect for an interview!). In fact, I think she might have been high because her eyes were red as hell, lol. Needless to say, I instantly liked the place! She showed me around & everyone there looked like they were either an actor or musician. Bonus! Everything went very well until I said goodbye and started out the door. For some reason, I just got the feeling that I did not get it. I have mixed feelings about this. The lack of funds would be worth it in the long run if I decided to definitely pursue a culinary career. But the more I talk about it with people, the more discouraged I get. Many people I know say that they have friends who are chefs and cannot find a job worth shit. I guess it's like being a musician. Since everyone and their fucking sister wants to do it, the competition is fierce. Anyway, I've not been called back yet. It would be nice to at least have SOMETHING by the time my aunt gets back. You know what it is, honestly? I'm SO god-damn sick of the fucking rat-race that "sick of" does not even begin to describe how I loathe it. It's fucking stupid & I fucking hate everything about it. I don't want to be part of it anymore. I guess I'm trying to minimize my participation in it by getting low-key work & making damn sure that I have enough time & freedom to myself to do what I WANT TO FUCKING DO. "Life's for my own to live my own way", as Hetfield says.
M.U. is coming down tomorrow, so I'm rather excited about that. I guess that's another good thing about that dickhead blowing me off. I'm not going to still be recovering by the time she gets here. Shit, I would not be surprised if I decided to just go back up there with her.

In a Chemical World

I have a job interview in about 10 hours. I answered an ad for a baker position, which is pretty much exactly what I've been looking for. I was actually dancing yesterday because I was so happy (I know...GAY!). I have a good feeling about it & it's going to be much easier telling my folks that I quit my other job if I already have another one. Today is also the day I'm supposed to hook up with "slam-guy". I'm kind of nervous, but there's a good chance it may not even happen. People flake out about 60% of the time, I'd estimate.
I tried to get to sleep early, but kept waking up, so here I am trying to kill time & make myself sleep already. I even took Benadryl & it's hardly effective this time. Actually, I can feel it making me tired, but when I lay down, I just sit there not getting to sleep. That's okay, I know it will likely hit me about 2 hours before I have to go to the fucking interview.
M.U. is coming down this weekend too. I sent her a check for just about all I will have left after paying my cell phone bill so that we can enjoy a nice long fucked up weekend! Okay, I'm going to try this sleep shit again.

Born to be Cyco

N.S. came down on Thursday for what was supposed to be a super-sex-fest. I had gotten in touch with a couple others that were going to join us that night, but they flaked. We ended up having to get a room again, but the shit that he had was phenomenal! Yes, once again, I pretended to go to work, but this time I actually had a place to stay, lol. Despite the complications, I had a pretty friggin' awesome night.
Another migraine my aunt had threatened this second trip the following day. Luckily, it only delayed the departure by a day. Yes, that means I'm here alone with nothing to do, which can only lead to trouble, which I'm finding already.
I met someone online who is coming into town in a few days who says he's got lots of shit, including my favourite powder & some tina (which I have not done in a long time because I just hate the way you feel the next day). He asked how I like to do them & I told him either snort or smoke. He suggested we slam. At first, I did not know what he was talking about, but then it hit me - duh! That's one thing I've never tried before, but I'm definitely curious because of the way other junkies describe the feeling. It's supposed to be fucking euphoric. I'm a bit nervous, but you know I'm gonna try 'cause I'm crazy like that.
THEN, for the weekend, I've got M.U. coming down to visit, which means another all-party weekend! I could feel guilty about all this shit & I'm sure it will catch up to me, but right now I just feel like saying "fuck it" & enjoying life the best I can. Rock 'n' Roll to the fucking core, bioooooootches!!!

Modern Day Candide

Okay, so here's the longer version of my weekend since I called off work: Both my aunt & uncle were supposed to go out of town for a few days on Thursday night, which meant I would have the place to myself. That was also a factor in my decision to call off, but not the deciding one. So that night, I was all set & let nobody know that I had called in. The plan was simply to wait until they left & enjoy the rest of the evening alone at last. The rest of the plan was to have NS come over & we could party on Friday, then the rest of the weekend I could study for my job. Yea, none of those happened!
I anxiously waited & waited for them to leave (I was sure that they would leave hours before I had to...um...go to work). It started to get dark out & I started wondering if they would even go. So, I made a "plan B" and a "plan C". Plan B was to get ready and dressed for work, leave, then do drive-by's every hour or so to see if they left yet. Plan C assumed they were not leaving & would be used after 10pm if they were still there. This plan involved me driving up to Chicago & staying with MU, then figuring out some sort of explanation as to why I did not come home after work.
6:15pm & there was still no sign that they were going anywhere. I switched to plan B & started "getting ready for work". As I was running around gathering up my stuff, I noticed my aunt was laying on the couch in her migraine position. Fuck! I was pretty damn sure they were not going now. On my way out, I asked my uncle if they were going or not & he replied that it was up to my aunt. Double fuck!
I had not eaten dinner, so I figured I'd go kill some time & grab something to eat. I got the urge to eat a Big Mac, so I hit the Mickey D's. After I ate, I made a couple calls. Call 1 was to MU to make sure it was okay for me to go up there, which of course it was. Call 2 was to RM to ask her to call the house and ask for me & if nobody picked up, I would haul ass back home. RM was out to dinner & said she would call after she was done. She was, of course, very amused by my situation, lol. We have a great relationship - she helps me out with her bullshitting skills & I give her entertainment of telling her about my stupid life.
Anyway, so I'm driving around in my uniform wondering what the fuck to do until I able to make the decision to use plan C or not. Plan C was becoming very unappealing too because I started to feel the effects of the bronchitis.
I pulled into a parking lot near a mall in front of a bar. I kind of wanted to go in and get a drink or two, but I was feeling shitty, so I just sat in the truck watching people come in and out like a friggin stalker. After an hour or so, I got tired of waiting for RM to call, so I decided to do a drive-by. When I got there, the car was still there. Triple fuck! I drove back to the bar & waited another half-hour or so. I finally decided that I would just give up, drive home and tell them I came home sick. When I pulled up the second time, to my amazement, the car was gone! I came in, messed around on the web & went to sleep...but not before making a final call. This one was to NS to confirm Friday night. It was confirmed & it would be smooth sailing from then on....NOT!
I woke up the next morning & got a call from my uncle telling me that he would be back that night & only my aunt was staying the few more days. Quadruple FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!! Needless to say, Friday night did not happen & I ended up having to tell them that I came home sick from work anyway. For those of you who don't know me personally, this is how my life always goes, lol! This is why I do drugs!
Anyway, so here I am, 3 days later & have not studied one bit. I'm pretty sure I'm going to quit the job before I even start, but I feel kind of stuck because it's all I have right now. I've had a lot of time to think over the weekend & I'm pretty sure I'm just ready to get out of health care completely. I'm just not feeling into it any more.
I've been checking out culinary schools all over. I'm looking at one in London & one in Paris. That would be fucking cool. I actually love to cook - it relaxes me & allows my mind to wander like it always wants to. Why not get paid for that shit? London seems more reasonable at this point considering I don't know how to speak French, but I think I could learn pretty quick since I speak Spanish. I'm going to go pound my head against the wall some more. Cheers!

Feel Like Shit...Deja vu

I've got the bronchitis again. Actually, I don't think it ever went away - it just became very obvious when I tried smoking a square. I called in sick to work on my first day out on the street. Yea, not a good start, but wtf am I supposed to do? I probably could have gone it 'cause it's not like I'm dying, but this is a job that can be very physical & can be outside in the freezing cold. And yes, I'm also still having issues with even working there. The funny thing is that other people in my field would kill to have my job. In fact, they would probably kill me if they found out I was considering leaving. But hey, that's me - Mr. Loose Canon. I found out the other day during training that a lot of times I will be working alongside five-0 (sometimes in the same building). I have enough trouble relating to people in general already, shit! Anyway, my next shift is supposed to be Tuesday night. We'll see what happens. Until then, I'm just chillin' & letting these antibiotics do their thing (including making me feel like shit).
I told MU that I was considering going back to Chicago if I found a more desirable job. She jumped right on that & called her "friend in high places" & is telling me to send a resume. I know that, as far as the drug problems, I've been doing much better since I've been down here just due to the situation. I HAVE sought out connections. I was even doing that earlier tonight. That's probably just asking for trouble. Maybe that's just what I want. I'm definitely crazy.

See no evil

I'm without a computer monitor. This sucks. I have everything except something to SEE what I'm doing (on my aunt's pc right now). hopefully this won't last long. I'm gonna have to probably get one of those cheap ancient 600lb monitors, 'cause I just can't afford a flat screen yet. I'll be back soon - hopefully. This was my first day at orientation. It was boring, as expected.

420

I'm in Chicago. My aunt had to come up here, so she figured I might as well pick up my guitar & some other stuff. I was so praying that MU had some weed here. She does. It's the shit! Yea, so I'm happily enjoying my last day before I start work. I've even had the place to myself all evening until tomorrow morning when MU gets back. I was getting so annoyed down there without a minute of being by myself. On Friday, they BOTH left for about an hour, but my aunt told me that one of her friends was coming over in half an hour! So, I got a total of about 25 minutes of having the house to myself since I've been down there. I know - I should not complain. At least I have somewhere to go. It's just so annoying. Oh, and in case you're wondering, yes I DID try to get coke tonight. Luckily, I was unable to in such short notice. I've got problems!

From "blah" to "baaaaah!"

These past couple of days have been kind of just "blah". I guess I should mention that I went to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting on Monday. I was pretty interesting, but not too much different than the group I went to in FL. There were a couple newbies there besides myself, so I guess I was a bit more comfortable in that sense. One thing that bugs me about the group is that they are of the mindset that the ONLY was is to completely stop doing ALL drugs, including your weekend drinks. I disagree with that philosophy. I think that to stop everything completely is going to intensify the crave even more. It's like those health food maniacs that never ever eat anything considered "junk food". I think it's actually healthier to have that bacon burger or ice cream every once in a while. Moderation is the key. That's my theory and I'm sticking to it, damn-it! Now if I could just get myself to do these things the way I say, I would be just fine. Anyway, I was close to going back today but decided not to. I think the main reason I wanted to go back was to connect with people. Hmmm...it WAS nice to connect. But I think I can find a group to connect with in a different context. Another thing that bugs me about their philosophy is that they consider anyone who has ever been addicted an addict for life. I think that there are more healthy ways of looking at it. I've often contemplated changing the name of this blog for that very reason. But, I still feel that my addiction is still the main theme here. Perhaps I'll change it when I feel differently. This paradoxical world we live in drives me mad. Sometimes it's nice to do drugs just to stop thinking already!
I've not cut things off with GH quite yet. I know I probably should have, but it's been nice to have someone to go out with. The intimacy is nice too, but I know it's just going to deepen things. We went out to eat for a while tonight, then went back to her place. She made it clear that she wanted to know me better before we had sex again. Yea, that usually works BEFORE the first time you have sex! Anyway, I'm not that worried about it because the attraction factor is still lacking somewhat for me. Trust me, I'm not looking to date a super-model. If fact, I'd probably never date a model because I would just be too annoyed with her. But there is a certain level of attraction that I think is necessary between two people for a long-term thing. I suppose I'm still comparing any girl I date to my ex-fiance. God, the feelings I still get when I think about her are not pleasant. After 4 years, I'm still hurting. I wonder if she is too. Probably not - she turned into a total cunt anyway. Fuck her!

"Melody Lee Is Damned" blog readers, please read...

Our fellow blogger & brilliant entertainer, Melody Lee, is in the hospital. Her friend "K1tten" is forwarding any messages you may want to send to her. Go to this blog...

http://k1tten.blogspot.com/2008/11/melodly.html

for details.

Stranger in a Strange Land

I just finished my first run (treadmill) since I got sick. Sometimes I forget how much that really affects my mood. Fighting depression was the main reason I started integrating cardiovascular exercise into my routine in the first place. I'm feeling better than I did yesterday.
I got a call from my realtor yesterday informing me that the people who own the condo I was looking into buying are offering it to me for 20k less than what I offered. Wow. I'm trying to figure out a plan where I can get the money for a down payment & get a loan. So far, it's looking promising, but you never know. It's strange how this affects me psychologically. When I start thinking about buying my own place & paying dues, etc. (basically being responsible again!), I get a sense of hope as far as living a "normal" life again. I'd like to think that I've gained some wisdom from the shit I've been through these past few years. Perhaps I'm better prepared to deal with a conventional world while remaining a "free spirit" (I can't stand that term, but it does describe me). I'm especially referring to my new job, which I will start next month. Who knows, maybe I'll get lucky and get put with a cool partner. It's happened in the past. I'm still nervous as hell.
Oh, and as far as GH...I've kinda sorta blew her off this weekend. I just don't think we're a match. I feel bad, but dragging it out is worse. Maybe I'm just not ready.

Bluer Than Midnight

My current bout of depression finally seems to be letting up today. Ones that last days have become rare, but this was certainly that. About a week ago, I doubled my dosage of Prozac because I felt a bout coming on.
While in this state, I found myself rightfully worried about my ability to function at my new job. In the past, I've called in sick if severe depression hits me on a day I have to work. I HATE having to do that, but I really don't know what else to do. I'm not talking about your regular run-of-the-mill depression here. There is a long history of unipolar depression and suicide on my dad's side of the family. I have to admit that those thoughts did cross my mind from time to time this week. When I start thinking of how I'm going to do it - that's when it gets scary. I know exactly what has lead to this latest outbreak though.
When I got here, I feel like life had offered me a "clean slate". However, I've found myself starting to lie & make up stories again to cover up my lifestyle. I don't feel comfortable at all like that & of course it's only going to get worse if I keep going like this. I've used GH as an excuse to go out the last couple times and get fucked up. It's perfect because I have an excuse to not have to come back until morning. The truth is that I've only seen her a couple times & honestly I don't think it's going to work out. Last night, NS came into town & we got a room again. I told GH that I was going out of town. We had a lot of fun for sure, but I really don't like to be dishonest. It makes me feel like shit.
Today, I've pretty much just laid around recovering from last night. I'm hoping that once I start working, it will force me to get back into "recovery" mode. I know I'm going to be found out sooner or later if I keep this up. It's inevitable.

Como se dise "Feel like shit"?

The only reason I did not party again last night was because NS, who offered to come down, ended up not being able to make it. I'm glad now that he did not because I've not felt that great today. Physically, I've got a headache and my lungs still feel crappy from the bronchitis. If fact, just a few minutes ago, I felt that pain in my lungs which tells me I'm still fighting it. Emotionally, I feel like crap too. I feel bad for not starting my job today, but at the same time I'm glad because I don't feel that great. I did not postpone my new job because of the bronchitis though. I really thought I'd be well enough today. I did it because I knew I'd be recovering from my coke binge on Saturday. There's a big part of me that does not even want to start this new job. I have a feeling that I'm not going to "fit in" with the crowd there. I think I would have fit in a lot better at that job that turned me down, but...yea, they turned me down. I know that part of the reason I'm having a bad feeling about it is because it's mostly guys. I've not had a guy friend in years now because I tend to feel much more comfortable around women. I'm not sure exactly why that is, but I have my theories. I have been dealing with esteem issues pretty much my whole life. I've gotten much better, but it still affects me and my interactions with people in general. Knowing that being a guy who lacks confidence is the male equivalent of being a female who lacks beauty, as far as attractiveness goes, does not help things. I also know that I'm more sensitive than most males, so "ball busting" is difficult for me. If someone starts talking shit about me, I tend to immediately go into "fight mode". I don't like feeling like that. I dunno, these are theories. They make sense to me...sorta.
GH and I DID end up talking briefly on the phone last night. She called right before she was going to sleep and told me that she just wanted to call so I would not think she was blowing me off. Yea, that was sweet of her. We talked earlier this evening & she invited me over to her place for dinner & Star Trek (yes, she's a Trekkie), lol. She obviously likes me...so far. I keep thinking "God, if she only knew. I think she would run the other way". I also keep thinking about how nice it felt on Saturday to just lie next to MU after partying. It felt nice because she knows all the "bad" shit about me & does not care. There's definitely something to be said about that.

I am The Lord of Chaos

I returned home at about 11am or so from partying with MU all night. I have to admit that it was fun as hell! I don't like having, once again, to make up stories about where I'm going & all that jazz. I actually told them I was going out again with GH, the girl I had the date with last week (more on her later). I also figured that I would be feeling pretty shitty for the next couple of days and not wanting to start work tomorrow. So, using my razor sharp memory (NOT!), I remembered that the job had offered me to start either tomorrow or on Dec. 1st and that they also knew I was dealing with a bout of bronchitis. Yea, you know where this is going! So, needless to say, I've arranged for the later start date. In my lazy ass good-for-nothing junkie defense, I still DO feel mildly ill with the bronchitis. I've already perfected (hopefully) the story I'm going to tell my family as to why I'm not starting tomorrow. These people are no dummies, so I've got to make sure my story is flawless. So far, I think it is. Yea, I suck.
Back to GH, as promised: "Daft Dragon", you were right - she IS still interested. I knew I should have gotten a female opinion before jumping to conclusions, lol. I checked my yahoo IM today & apparently she has been trying to send me messages on there, but I had not checked until today. We chatted online for a while. She's supposed to call me tonight.
I should also mention that MU, before she left this morning told me she loved me again and was crying because she did not want to leave *sigh*. The world, to me, is absurdly confusing. I'm talking tax return papers X like 999 trillion. I often wonder if most people feel like this. They either don't, or do a really good job of hiding their confusion. It does not help that I can't focus on anything for more than 5 seconds. LOCUST! See?

Mizzoth to the Flizzame

So, I went out with this girl last night. We went to grab some drinks & then to see a movie ("Role Models" - it's funny as shit - see it!). Anyway, she seemed pretty nervous the whole time, but I think I did a good job of calming her down. This is a "guy" version of the story, so it's short & to the point. We were holding hands by the time we said good-night & said we'd go out again soon. I even got a text from her when I got home saying that she had a great time. So we're all good, right? WRONG! I sent her a text today just wishing her a good day at work - nothing elaborate (I'm not one of those clingy people - I just wanted to say hi & say something nice). I have not heard from her at all. Weird. Oh, well. It was nice anyway to just hang out with someone who is NOT family, lol.
Earlier today I did get a text from MU. She said that her trip to IA was cancelled, so I suggested she drive down here instead & we could get a room. Yea, she did not hesitate at all to accept my offer! So I've booked for Saturday & she's bringin' the party favours. So, why am I going to party with my ex two days before I start my new job? Because I have a fascination with anything akin to playing with fire. I have it in my head that I have to burn in order to feel "normal". Is it really the case? Or am I just so used to it that it feels right?
I spent 5 hours on Monday filling out paperwork, giving them my urine and blood, taking physical tests & all kinds of other shit. I was very proud to get my badge (no, I'm not a cop!), yet I'm willing to risk it all for a few hours of intense dirty nasty coke-enhanced sex. Shit - even writing the previous sentence turns me on, and at the same time makes me feel guilty. Maybe I'm just thinking too much about it. I'm even having some intermittent thoughts about getting back with MU.

Psycho Killer, Qu'est Que Ce'st - fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa...

I'm at the tail end of my bronchitis bout. I could have probably worked out today, but hey - I'm taking it easy.
So I get this message out of the blue in my e-mail box from this girl from a dating website I've not paid much attention to. I usually don't think much of these messages when they come because they are usually from someone at least 400 miles away. This girl is actually in the same town. So, we exchanged a couple of messages and ended up IMimg for a while tonight. Towards the end of the convo, she asked if I wanted to do something on Wednesday night. I said that would be great. Now, part of me is asking why the fuck I'm even considering going on a date with her. Maybe I'm trying to test myself again. Let me explain.
I'm insane. Don't get me wrong, I'm not insane as in "I'm a serial killer", but I'm certainly not what most people would consider a "pillar of society". I've had sex with more people than most male rock stars and I've done just about as many drugs. I'm basically a rock star, minus the rock stardom, fame & money. And, I'm used to dating women who are rather psychotic themselves. I was bitten a long time ago & there's just no turning back...or is there? I guess that's my problem with this whole thing.
I'm trying to start something again with a "normal" girl. I HAVE tried this before & I know that the only way for it to actually work is for me to become "normal". Judging on past experience, I would conclude that that is improbable. It's funny, this girl says in her profile that she does not want to date any "freaks" - LMAO! She also states that she wants someone that can "deal with life's troubles". Well, I DO "deal" with them - just not as effectively as other people (plus my way just seems more interesting, lol). I suspect that I may just be one of those people who need more stimulation than average. That would explain a LOT.
Anyway, my point is that I think that I'm doing this to try and stabilize my life as well as for companionship. I try to convince myself that maybe now that I'm older, I can do this.
The last "normal" girl I dated was the girl I almost married. I was going to, but the guilt from being the way I am just would not let me.
Oh, and in the meantime, as I started to mention in my last entry, my ex still thinks we're an item! Yea, she's one of the psycho ones, as you may have guessed. I left her over a year ago after she got physically violent with me (I don't hit girls) & tried to break up my best friend and I. We still have gotten fucked up and had sex though since the breakup. I guess she's seeing that as us being back together. I seriously need to find some herb!

"Flash! Aaaaaah! He's for every one of us."

I'm feeling better today (not super-weak/depressed as yesterday). I got my new running shoes & WOW, what a difference! I had not realized how much I had flattened out the cushioning on my old ones, lol. I'm also okay (so far) with not getting tweeked this weekend. Then again, NS has not called me yet. I think it's a good thing that every time we party, we have to rent a room. It definitely cuts down the frequency of wanting to do it. That shit gets expensive!
I talked to RM today & apparently my ex still thinks we are together & everything is fine *sigh*. Shit - I hear guests arriving. Gonna have to write later.

Times you miss being a stoner

I'm pretty much out of commission with the bronchitis. I was feeling pretty shitty all last week and did not know why. Oh well, at least I'm not calling in sick to work. On top of this, I've been pretty damn depressed lately. I don't know anyone here, I've got no job & I can't even work out because I feel like crap. I was also reading this book that's supposed to make people feel better, "Think and Grow Rich", and yea - I'm pretty much feeling like a piece of shit now - thanks a lot. It's one of those books that calls everyone who is not rich a "loser". In fact, this idiot states that 98% of the population are losers. Ever see the movie "Little Miss Sunshine"? I'm pretty sure that Greg Kinnear's character was based upon the author of this book. Needless to say, I'm not reading that shit any more.
I'm also feeling guilty for not writing or playing any songs lately. Sometimes I just feel like going back to being a pot-head and just saying "fuck it all". It was nice to just kick back, smoke some herb & give a big one-finger salute to the world. I know myself though. I would not be happy with myself if I did that. Then again, when am I ever happy with myself?

Time to take the power back!

Well, today is officially the day America decides it's fate. Well, supposedly (I'm still not 100% sure this whole election thing isn't just a big show). All I know is that it's time to show these right-wing pussies who they've been fucking with. The criminals who hold office need to be shown the door. In fact, many of them, under the REAL constitution (before the Bush Regime decided to rewrite it) they should be tried for treason. If that albino-turtle-lookin' mother fucker "wins" this time, I don't think The People are going to let it go without a fight. Since they've taken over the media, they have tried to portray the "left" (which, in their description would include moderates like myself) as "weak". Well, let me just remind them who kicked who's ass in the first American Civil War. Yea, that's right, and we'll do it again, fuckers!

Okay, now that I've gotten that out of the way *deep breaths*...

I'm starting to feel down again. Both jobs I interviewed for have not called me back. I called both of them today for a follow-up, but got machines. Yea it sucks, but it could be worse. Onward through the fog. I've also started to feel extremely lonely in this town lately. I've been going out a lot, but when I do, I'm usually either reading or writing. I'm an introvert with big walls I've put up around me, so it's not exactly easy for me to start out in a new place. Again, it could be worse.

I'm not sure if I ever wrote about LW. LW is actually a girl I met off of MySpace. I was actually surprised that she requested to be a "friend" because she just seemed way too "Jesus-ey" for my taste & it's pretty obvious from my page that I'm not like that, lol. Anyway, long story short, we started talking on the phone while I was still in FL. When I got up to Chicago, she wanted to talk, but I could not because I was at my ex's place (the only place I could stay) and that pissed her off. So, LW has made contact with me again & we're cool. JH (girl who moved to San Francisco) has also been talking about visiting. I just don't want to get into the situation I was in with ML in FL. Okay, all these initials are starting to annoy me. I feel like a fucking car salesman now with their APR's & MSRP's. Fuck all of them & their stupid commercials! Okay, I guess I should try to get some sleep before the 10-hour wait at the polls later.

Oh well, at least it was good!

Last night, NS & I hooked up (did the motel thing again). The shit he had was actually pretty good. I guess "the man" finally got the hint from all the people complaining about the recent dive in quality. I had a lot of fun pretty much the whole time until, as usual, I realize there's almost none left. But even with that, it ended well. I know there's no way I'm going to get away with doing this once a week. They will eventually catch on. That's good. It will encourage me to not do it so much.
I went on 2 interviews last week. Both of them seemed very promising & I was sure I would have to decide between jobs. I've had no callbacks yet though. I know that does not mean it's over, but I figured they would get back to me sooner.
I've not been much in the mood to write lately. Laters.

Vomit-Fest Puts Me to the Test

This has been a very strange week. On Sunday night, I decided that I did not want to wait any longer, so I started looking online again for partiers in the area. And, who did I see that was online? NS. Within about 40 seconds of chatting, we decided that we should hook up that very night. I told him I'd pay for the motel room if he got more shit. I was certainly very excited about this, so I got the room about 4 hours before he was to arrive. He actually got there before I expected (which is extremely rare for him). By the time he got there, I was fiending something fierce! The first line he made was huge & I vacuumed it up as usual. Well, it was the same thing over again. The first couple of hours were pretty kickass, then towards the end, I kept trying to chase the high by doing more. This time, something happened that freaked me out. I actually got so fucked up that I could barely move. I just laid there on the bed & asked him to bring another line (thinking for some stupid reason that it would help). I did another & it did nothing. I started feeling really weird & I could hear myself starting to talk incoherently. After about 10 minutes of that, I started to feel something that felt like nausea, but I was not sure if that's what it was. Well, about 2 minutes after that, my theory proved to be right. I started throwing up. It took me so much by surprise that I did not make it to the toilet in time. I threw up 6 or 7 times, then I could not even get up. I had to crawl to the bed because I had no balance & could not see straight at all. After that, I just laid there with my hands over my face while I gasped. I honestly don't know if I was trying to cry or trying not to, but it came out as gasps, lol. I can't remember ever being that fucked up. When there's still shit left and I don't use it, you KNOW I'm fucked up as hell! I have to be grateful that I really was not in much pain though - physically anyway. Meanwhile, another set of events were starting to unfold at the home front.
My uncle has been having pretty severe back pain lately and has been given strong pain killers. They also want to do some tests on him tomorrow (which is the day they are supposed to leave). They still planned on taking the trip - only they would wait after he got the tests done. However, this morning my aunt began having really bad migraines which subsided by the time we ate dinner...or so we thought. I guess the gods felt that I had not experienced enough vomit this week. After eating, she drank some water that was apparently too cold, and it set off the migraine symptoms with a vengeance. I saw her start to run to the bathroom, as my mind flashed back to Sunday night. She did not make it either, and guess who was going to have to clean up...ding-ding-ding! Bingo! Luckily I'm pretty used to this sort of stuff because of my job, so it was not that big of a deal.
So, they've decided to cancel their trip. I'm not sure if I should feel glad that I ended up partying early or not. Either way, I'm kind of disappointed. Partying aside, I was just looking to have the place to myself for a week. That would have been pretty cool. But, I'm a beggar at this point, so I cannot be a chooser. And, that's definitely not a good combination of illnesses to have on a long road trip.
I was also informed that the sale of the property in FL is probably not going to happen. I guess I've been sort of naive about the situation (I've never done this before), but my realtor set me straight. The guy who is supposed to be the buyer has gotten turned down 3 times by the banks already for a loan. Well, I guess in Real-Estate-World, it's pretty much an in-vain effort if you are turned down even once. I had a hell of a good deal too on the place I was going to buy. Oh well, fuck it. Everything happens for a reason, right?
I could not help but notice, once again, that as soon as my mindset went back into "druggie" mode, everything just seemed to start going wrong again. Maybe I'm just being superstitious, but then again, maybe there's something to this shit. I'm more towards believing that there is. The same exact goddamn thing happened in FL.
I've also noticed that, just from that one day binge, my body is not responding the same. My vision is still kind of weird, I'm very tired, my mind is slow & I cannot work out as vigorously as I've been lately (trust me - I tried!). I think I actually started to like myself again before Sunday night. I think I like that feeling. I want more of it. But can I resist next time?

Porno is Great and Real Estate

Okay, I'm pretty excited about next Friday - yea, that's the day! I've even started kind of looking around here though - not good, I know. It's going to be SO nice to have the place to myself. I have a feeling I'm going to go berserk, lol.
On the flip side, I'm doing really well physically. I did a full body strength workout followed by a non-stop 3 mile run. I actually ran further than that because I did not feel the need to stop, but I did not want to overdo it. I've only been training for 3 weeks. My legs are actually starting to look muscular. I've not had muscular legs since I was in martial arts almost 20 years ago - wow, that really makes me feel old.
In other news, I finally got my friggin' journal back. My dad mailed it back with some other stuff I left down there. Okay, I have to say that my dad is pretty damn cool. He actually put some of my DVD porn I left down there in the box, lol. That is seriously some good porn too - I thought I was going to have to buy that shit all over again.
I'm making an offer on a condo here in town. I'm a bit worried about buying something without having a job, but I will actually have enough money to keep me going for a couple years if need be (I'm selling property in FL). I'm not rich by any means. This is really all I have, so it's kinda scary, but the deal I would be getting on this place is too good to pass up. I'm definitely getting a hell of a lot more bang for my buck than I would in Chicago (or just about anywhere else).

The Drifter-Taming Dilemma

So, it actually looks like a have a real chance at getting back on my feet. I checked out a condo here yesterday and I think it would be stupid not to buy. Then all I would need is a job! Well, that last sentence was only half sarcastic because I also talked to a person a couple days ago from a company which I sent my resume to. I have to take an entry test to get in. I've been unemployed for so long that I'm nervous about it. I have to study my ass off if I'm going to take the test, which is this Thursday. I probably can reschedule for a later test in another couple of weeks. Maybe I should since I plan on partying at the end of the month. Speaking of which...
The thought has crossed my mind on more than one occasion to cancel my little party, but it's unlikely that will happen, lol. I'm already feeling guilty for planning it & I'm worried that this may be what "taints" my new promising situation. I'm telling myself that it won't. I've told myself that before. Fuck. I'm seeing real hope now for the first time in years. Would I really fuck this up again after what I've been through? I sure as hell hope not. I really am sick of being a fucked up person. I would love to find a good female to settle down with. I've said that before too, lol. Oh well, we shall see, right?

Making Friends with an Archnemesis

I'm definitely in the most promising situation I have been in in a looooooooooooong time. Even though I have not found work yet, I'm feeling pretty good overall. I'm finally back up to the point where I can run 2 miles without walking some of it. I've done 4 miles recently, but I had to walk some of it. I'll get there. Baby steps.
This week has been the first in which I've gone to school in order to prepare myself for my math entry test. It's a bitch. I have an extreme case of math anxiety. The first time I went there with my aunt to check it out (the math tutorial system) my hands were literally shaking. There's a reason behind this. In recent years, I've come to see math as my arch enemy in life. I can honestly say that my lack of understanding of the subject has literally ruined my life, and has contributed to my addiction without a doubt. It has forced me to give up 2 different majors in college. With my first major, you DID need math for the actual job in the real world. But my second attempt at college was majoring in psychology. Give me one good reason why a clinical psychologist needs to be good at college-level math. It's fucking BULLSHIT that it is a requirement to get a psychology degree. Total fucking BULLSHIT!!! What's even more frustrating is that I know I would make a pretty kickass psychologist. But hey, I suck at advanced math...so much for that idea. Okay, I think you should have an idea about my feelings towards math, lol.
Anyway, my point is that I'm giving it my all (again), but this time I'm going to do my best to keep a positive attitude towards it. I can honestly say that I have had many instances where I've actually liked math. It's like a puzzle. Puzzles can be fun. I've just got to chill. Yup, gonna chill *takes long deep breaths*.
I'm still thinking about the end of the month. I've got 3 people that I can party with, but I need to pick only one...maybe two...no, I can't be greedy...one...maybe two *ugh!*.

Marathon Man

I've been completely clean for 9 days now & I do feel pretty good by comparison overall. There has been so little to do here in my new town, so I've made sure to keep myself occupied with things I will benefit from in the long run. I've discovered that my aunt has a bunch of exercise equipment in the basement here including a Bowflex (which I must admit, I was skeptic at first but I'm now a fan), treadmill, and bicycle. I've kicked my workout routine into high gear & I decided to start training for the 2009 IL Marathon. I don't know if I'm going to do the full marathon because to me it's kind of like breaking your own leg for a medal, but I have people around me that are telling me it's really not that bad. Either way, I'm doing at LEAST the half-marathon. 13.1 miles sounds reasonable to me rather than 26.2 at this point. I have more than enough time to train this time (I tried training for the Chicago Marathon a few years back, but started too late). Anyway, I'm glad to report that so far I'm doing great!
Today was the first day that I've actually gone out on my own to do my own thing (no, not coke). I actually found a pretty cool cafe downtown & hung out there for hours doing some studying up on my skills for jobs I'm applying for in the area and drinking iced chi. I was surprised at how much I actually remember even though I've not really worked in that capacity in over a year. Nonetheless, I don't want to look like a retard when I take the routine entry tests. And, speaking of tests, I got my "gonumber1" kit today, so they can drug test me all they want.
Yes, I still DO plan to see and party with CE at the end of the month. Hey, I never said I was going "cold turkey"!

Die, insomnia, die!

I got here to my aunt's on Saturday night. I partied for the "last" time on Friday with MU. NS was already calling me as I was driving down. So, I've been clean for 4 days so far. Before I left, I ordered my favourite drug-test-buster, the "Number One" for urine tests. I've used them 3 times already, and they are flawless. I'll even give them a plug: http://www.gonumber1.com
I still don't know for sure that I'm going to apply for a job yet because I'm still finding out information about Australia. If I end up going, I'm going to make it as soon as possible. I have to get out of this limbo state - I can't stand it.
I'm not going to lie - I have been thinking about coke every day since I've been here. I can't sleep worth shit, which makes it even worse somehow. It's very easy to get bored down here & I'm feeling the effects. Boredom, as any drug addict trying to quit knows, is not good for staying clean. That's another reason this limbo shit is driving me nuts.
My behaviour is definitely revealing the part of me that does not want to quit. I'm already making plans to see a friend (who is struggling to quit too) at the end of the month. She lives 5 hours away from Chicago, so now she's only like 2 hours away. We'll call her "CE". She's a pretty cool stoner chic that I met on line a few years ago. In my head I'm thinking "I just need to cut down a lot on my skiing and not necessarily quit altogether". It will definitely be much harder to use while I'm here. My family has got a close eye on me, now that the word has gotten out.
I'm going to try and get back to sleep. Wish me luck.

Manic Panic

I thought I would be leaving on Sunday, but as it turns out it's going to happen tomorrow (Saturday). My aunt called me up last night to inform me that she and her husband need to come up for a meeting in the suburbs and that this had literally just developed. She said that I might as well go back down with them instead of borrowing a car, having to drive it back, then take the train down again (I need a car for all my stuff & my dog). Shit! Tonight is the last night MU & I are supposed to party. I don't want to feel & look like shit when they get here. This sucks. I'm hoping that it will be one of those where I barely feel it the next day. Fuck.
I'm unusually sad about leaving MU here. I'm actually feeling worse about it than when I left for FL. I guess part of it is because I'm not furious at her this time. But the other reason I think is because I believe that she may have thought that I was coming back to stay here. I feel extra bad because I'm taking the dog (he's like our kid - dog owners know what I'm talking about). I'm debating weather I should leave him here at least for now. He's probably the only thing that has been stable in my life for the past few years, so I it makes it worse for me if I leave him. Perhaps the deciding factor will be the amount of room left in the car.
I'm still looking into Australia too. I already have my 2-3 year stay in S. IL planned out including a job, school, fitness & social activities. However, I think that if I can find a way to escape to the Land Down Under sooner, I will jump at the opportunity. As everyone who is conscious here knows, things are going from fucked to WAY fucked here in the former U.S.A. and I really don't feel like being here for when it turns into WWII Germany. These fuckhead globalists have taken over so many countries around the world, and they have been doing it by first destroying those country's economies (sound familiar?). Okay, I'm not going to get myself going on this shit because I'd be writing a fucking novel and putting myself into a suicidal depression! But I will say that the similarities between how the Nazis took over Germany and how they are going about taking over my country today are too familiar to anyone who knows their history. God help us.

Believe me you - I KNOW that ignorance is bliss!

This weekend was another binge. Friday with MU and Saturday with NS. Even though I knew that it would be better to wait a day in between, I decided to go two day in a row anyway. I did not even really have a good time on the second night, which was what I was afraid of. And trust me, I tried! It was actually more of a situation where my body was just too tired to keep up with my high-ass brain. I guess I figured that this would be the last weekend I'd be doing anything for a while. Of course, you never know.
Last night was kind of weird. I was bored, so I decided to smoke some herb & surf YouTube. I watched a couple news segments from when real journalism was still in existence. They dealt with murders that were covered up as suicides. It set me back into my truth-seeking mindset. I was reminded again about how this world is run & how we're constantly fed all these bullshit lies about what's really going on. Now I'm depressed again & I'm trying to get back into my "ignorant state". Yes, I purposely make myself ignorant because I'm so sick of being depressed. If we dig too deep, we find that what we are being told is a bunch of bullshit. I tend to dig deep because I was taught never to trust authority. I hate to be among the ignoramuses, but I've learned that it's the only way to keep what's left of my sanity. I'm not sure what's worse: being truly ignorant, or purposefully being ignorant!

Talking about coffee, blogs & dogs...no big whoop.

It took some procrastinating, but I made the call to my aunt yesterday. She was happy to hear from me & there was no problem at all. I told her that I've decided to move down there for now, as she had offered. This is a good move & I'm going to make sure it's for the better. I can at least take some of the math classes I need for school and get them out of the way while I'm waiting to get into the clinical program. I'm still not 100% sure that I will stay there for school though. I've actually been thinking a lot about Australia - yes, Australia. I've been wanting to go there forever, and maybe this is a good time. It all depends on how long I'm going to have to wait to go to school full-time. I may try and go to school and/or work over there for a few years. I know that I may not want to come back.
Anyway, I'm going to have to stay here for at least another week because my mom is bringing me some more of my stuff on Wednesday. It's going to be a huge change and I'm nervous, but I'm sick of living my life in fear & I'm making a conscious effort to face any fear that gets in the way of my progress. And, if it knocks me down, I'm going to get right back up again and back in it's face until I defeat it.
MU will be upset. I feel bad because she's going to be left alone again, but she decided to stay here on her own and renew the lease. I'm taking my canine buddy with me. He's always so happy down there because he has two other dog buddies to hang out with and they all get along great. If there's one thing I've done right in my life, it's adopting that dog. He's seriously the best friend ever!
Boy, I love drinking coffee while writing in my blog! There, now my title fits perfectly.

Blue Blah Blue Blah

Not much really exciting to report today. I had another weak moment earlier. NS told me that we might be able to hook up today or tomorrow, so I called him around 4:30. He said he had to work in the morning, so he couldn't party. I was relieved and frustrated at the same time. I did hesitate for a few minutes before dialing, but the crave got the best of me.
I seriously thought that I would be out of here by now. Actually, I thought I would be strongly urged to go to S. IL by my aunt, but she still has not called. I know she's not stupid and she knows what's going on. I should be able to do this on my own though, but I guess I'm too comfortable, as weird as that sounds.
I've been trying to take Melody's advice (thanks :D) and divert my thoughts to something else. It DOES feel good to take a break from my high revving brain once in a while. I started to watch "Cocoon", but got too annoyed with the overdose of 80's cheese. We popped in "Mosquito Coast" instead. That one was decent and tolerable. After the movie, I planned to work out, but instead I'm eating pizza and writing on here. I'm still going to work out - I swear! I HAVE to - I've been way too lazy about that shit.

Viral Spiral

It didn't take much for me to convince myself it was a good idea to go out and get fucked up again. I had no plans to do anything last night, but NS called and offered. I didn't hesitate. The stuff he had was pretty good. It's very rare that I can't walk straight due to a coke high, but last night, that was the case. Still, no sinus pain or severe headache afterward. I wish I could say the same about guilt though.
I still have not called my aunt. I'm surprised she has not tried to call me. My mom was supposed to come up and bring me some of my belongings on Tuesday, but that is probably not going to happen until next week now due to weather & overbooked flights. I know that the longer I stay here, the more I'm just going to keep on doing the same shit.
I've been thinking a lot lately about the latent effects of all of this shit & it scares me. I want to keep my health. That's the one thing that I've always had & before I got into the druggie lifestyle, my health was above average. I want to get back to that level again.
Feelings of hopelessness are creeping back into my head. I have to fight them hard because they do not help things one bit.

How many times can I move in one year?

This is supposed to be the last weekend I spend here, but I'm guessing it may not be. My aunt is probably pissed at me that I have not called her since I was down there. I haven't done so because I'm very apprehensive about moving in there. First, I've had it in my head that wherever I go, I end up fucking things up for everyone around me, and I don't want to do that to them as well. I was doing a lot of thinking about that theory earlier, and I've decided that it is not true. I've decided that I'm just a VARIABLE that when added to an equation, inevitably changes things. Sometimes those changes are painful, but I think that for the most part, they are for the better. The most recent (when I stayed with my mom and Asshole) sucked royal, but I think that I went into an already fucked up situation, and I was the variable that was needed for the mistake to be realized. Also, I need to realize that I've stayed in places where the people were happy to have me there and it actually improved things immediately (as with my dad). The second reason I'm worried about moving down with my aunt is just plain boredom. Even though I don't even go out very much, I know that at least here I can walk out the door and walk somewhere and just see interesting stuff. Down there is a much smaller town (although it IS a college town). The area they live in is not within walking distance of the more lively areas. Still, I know these are just excuses. I WILL have access to a car, and there's other ways to get around too. I know it's best to go. It's just kinda hard to leave now. I truly DO dread having to move yet AGAIN.
Last night was party night for MU and I, of course. The shit she got turned out to be very weak, which was a big disappointment for both of us. Still, we made the best of it, but went through it pretty fast.
It's been raining all morning and day here & has not stopped. It's a good night to just stay in and watch movies and goof around on the web.

The Great Escape - Part II

It's very true that tragedy brings people closer together. It has been very apparent in my situation here, and is especially true of family, of course. Although my dad claims that he only read a couple pages of my journal, I have my suspicions. Shit, if I had someones intimate details and I had already read some, I'd more than likely read more myself! Anyway, he commented tonight about how it's amazing how similar we are. It's very true. I still sense a great deal of sadness and worry in his voice. I hate to hear him like that. I'm not surprised that he's not angry though. Of all people, I know he understands my situation (which is probably why he's so worried).
On the other hand, I AM surprised that The Mom is not angry. Maybe she's just hiding it - I don't know. Either way, she has been very supportive as well.
I know my brother is very concerned too. He actually went through rehab, so he knows firsthand. I know he means well, but I did get kind of annoyed when he kept telling me what hard drugs to do you. I already know that stuff. I know he's just trying to help though.
I spent last week downstate at my aunt's place. I decided that it would be a good idea for my cousin and I to take a trip. Her husband has filed for divorce, but they are still living together, so getting away was good. It took a lot of mental battling, but I actually resisted the temptation to cancel the trip. MU was out of town, so I had the place to myself AND I was offered a lot of free coke that weekend. At least I know I'm not COMPLETELY controlled by my addiction. I did, however, do it when I got back.
Being here, as predicted, has got me back on the "twice-a-week minimum" program. Not good. I know I need to get out of here and find something to take up my time. I've got idle hands. You know how that shit goes.
I actually only planned to stay here for a few days, but between the hurricanes and the addiction, I've been pretty much "trapped" here again. I only brought enough clothes for 4 days, and I have nothing meant for cool weather, which we are starting to have now. Good thing I brought all my winter shit to Florida!
Anyway, while I was down at my aunt's, she was very persistent about trying to convince me to move down there and go to school. She said I could stay there and live rent free and not even have to pay for food if I just wanted to go to school full-time and not work. Something tells me that my dad had a talk with her! I do think that is a good idea &, like she kept saying - a chance like this is not going to come my way again. She's right.
I've pretty much made the decision to do it, but I have to admit I'm scared as shit. It's been so long since I've been in school, and I AM still concerned that my demons will follow and continue to torment me. In fact, I'm sure of that. I just need to be stronger and focus my energy on other things.

Back on the web at last...for now

Yes, with a whopping TWO whole Internet services to choose from, we've gone with slightly less incompetent Comcast. AT&T wins the all-time incompetence award. Their customer service is simply non-existent. Ok, I know - what else is new?

Well, the reaction from my family has been one more of sadness and worry rather than anger. That's a good thing. I'm actually really tired right now, so I'm going to elaborate later. I just wanted to let people know I'm still alive and not in rehab.

Fucked to the power of infinity

So, where the fuck have I been this past week? Well, AT&T (BUNCH OF FUCKING INCOMPETENT ASSHOLES!!!) decided to cut off MU's Internet service even though she made the payment. So, I'm at the Internet cafe now. She called them and bitched up a storm to the point where they told her to find another service. So, if I'm not here for a while - you know why. But that's not the only reason I may not be here...

As I've been staying here, I've been skiing about twice a week. Last night I did not really even want to, but MU had already gotten the shit and she wanted to. I inhaled that shit like there was no tomorrow & we were done with all 3 bags within 3 hours. It was barely fun. The whole night, I had a feeling that something was wrong & I was right (although I'm sure guilt had something to do with it too, but this was stronger than the usual guilt feeling). Just as we had started I saw that my phone was ringing & it was my dad. I figured I would just talk to him in the morning and shut my phone off to concentrate on partying.

I called my dad back at around 11 or so this morning and he sounded weird from the get-go. After a few minutes, I finally found out what had happened. The whole time I've been up here, I've been regretting not bringing my paper journal (which is even more personal than this one). Instead, I locked it up in a chest at my mom's place along with my old journals that go back to 1995. Well, apparently I did NOT grab my latest journal (which goes back to 2002) and left it right on the fucking bed at my dad's! Yea, FUCK ME! He claims to only have read a couple pages, but he read the right ones if that's the case. He's fully aware that I'm doing fucking coke and with who, etc. I'm 1200 miles away from my personal journal and anyone can read it now and there ain't SHIT I can do about it. FUCK! The next day, of course, he was going to meet with my mom for some business matter & they discussed it. She is coming into town on Monday. My mom is one of those super anti-drug people and she's going to shit. I have no idea what the fuck is going to happen. For all I know, she's going to get my entire family up here to confront me like on one of those fucking sitcoms or something. She might do her damnedest to have me check into a rehab. Maybe that's good. I don't know. Maybe that's what I need. Last night, I was sure I was going to be able to handle the problem finally by replacing my bad habits with good ones, but I've told myself that before and been wrong. In a strange way, I'm kind of glad that it's out in the open now. I just don't want this shit to go overboard.

My dad was not angry, but very worried. I know my mom will be the same, but probably with a bit more anger. He was also telling me that he really wanted me to stay down in FL, but to do what makes me happy. He's also pretty sure he is going to lose his house and his wife is going to lose her job if she misses one day or is late only once from now until February. They did an assessment on the house, and literally doubled his taxes. This is fucked. I had an actual plan yesterday before all of this shit hit the fan & I was quite satisfied with it. I was going to get my own place away from MU, get my old job back (I already talked to people from there and they said it was likely), and get involved with some health-related groups (health club, yoga, Kung-Fu, etc.). Now that this has happened, I'm not sure I will be able to even get my own place because my mom was going to help me out with that.

I'm trying to tell myself that all of this is happening for a good reason, and it probably is. I DO know that even if my little plan works out like I described, I still would not be happy eventually, unless I "moved up" job-wise, which likely would involve me getting a degree of some sort. What might happen now is that I might end up moving to Southern IL with my aunt and going to school. That would be the most logical thing. It's POSSIBLE that I might return to FL, but I'm going to fight that very strongly. I DO feel bad for my dad, and that may be the only thing that would bring me back.

Anyway, so that's my life right now. I have no fucking idea what the fuck is going to happen. I guess I will have a better idea on Monday. I'm going to try and get online to write as much as I can, but I don't know how much that is going to be. Writing in here actually helps me feel better and you all reading this who have left feedback are much appreciated. It DOES help. I'd better check my e-mail before my minutes run out. Peace.

Fluoxetine, you are my heroine

My happy pills seem to be stabilizing somewhat. I've been able to think more positively today, which has put me on a better frequency. I've had more energy and only a couple of "dips" during the day. I ran a couple of miles earlier, which felt really good. I feel like I'm finally going to get back into good shape like I was before I became a total druggie. I even ran into a former co-worker while I was walking my dog. She was very surprised to see me, as I was to see her. We talked for a while & apparently I had a pretty strong impression on my old partner (whom she's pretty tight with) because she still talks about me a lot, lol. I feel kind of bad because I always would get kind of annoyed with her, but she was nice enough. Anyway, she told me that a lot of the people that were there before are no longer there and that they are desperate for people that do my job. She was pretty sure that I would get the job again if I applied. Honestly, I would love to be back there. And I'm sorry this sounds so vague, but I have to keep it this way for privacy purposes.

I still think back to that night that changed everything. Because of someone else who decided to get shitface drunk then drive into me, I had to take a drug test. So, instead of pissing hot, I walked out. I did it because if you piss hot, the whole industry will know about it. It was better to just walk away. The problem is...ummmm...this happened once before too. They already took me back once. But, knowing them, they would probably take me back again. I'm sure they have dealt with much worse! I was always on time & did my job well. I was just a big pot-head at the time. But I never came to work stoned or lit up on the job either. That's what pisses me off about those fucking drug tests. What do they care what I do during my time off? Anyway, I'm trying to find out if a certain person is still there. If she is not, then I'm pretty sure I'll get in. That would be SO fucking cool!

Oh, and we're all set for tomorrow's festivities.

Oh, shit! I almost forgot. I got a phone call from ML (my ex-fling from Florida) earlier. I did not answer, but she left a voicemail. The voicemail said that she was pregnant, but not to worry about it because she's going to "take care of it". Honestly, I think she's bullshitting. We DID have sex a couple of times unprotected (she had to twist my arm because I'm the Condom King), but she also told me that she cannot get pregnant because of her surgery. I'm not too worried about it, but I was just shocked when I got the message!

Nice, nice. Flotation device.

Man, these psychotropic drugs can do some weird shit sometimes. So, I kept on being depressed for hours after I posted my last entry & all of the sudden, I felt like I could work out. I went to my weight bench, and vaboom! I had a pretty damn good workout! I'm feeling better now - definitely more confident and focused. I have a clearer picture of how to work this whole thing out & I don't feel completely trapped right now, which is a HUGE relief. I've been wanting, but procrastinating, to talk to MU about possibly trying to work things out. I know she wants to & I know she would be ecstatic. When I left here, she said and did some really bad things that hurt a lot, but I have to take part of the blame for driving her to that. I tend to drive people around me crazy. Another of my wonderful talents! Anyway, she's one of those rare people that you may or may not ever meet who just thinks the sun shines out of your ass (stealing a line from Juno) no matter what you do. She seriously thinks the world of me (for whatever reason).

Caught in the undertow

Okay, so usually when I take Prozac, my mood improves. It seemed like it was starting to help yesterday until I got up this morning. I had a hard time sleeping & didn't get to bed until around 3am, then got woken up again at 5am by an ambulance - THEN, again by construction in my building which started around 8 or so. Anyway, when I got up, I was feeling pretty damn depressed again & even had those "bad" thoughts popping in again. I don't want to say "suicidal" thoughts because technically they weren't. I was like I would think "okay, well what the hell am I going to do even if I do go back down to FL and get my shit? That's IF I make it back.". I've become extremely asocial & that is not a good mode to be in when looking for work. Today, I have not even looked. I've tried to work out, but decided to eat ice cream and write in my blog instead. Maybe I'll try later. I feel so goddamn inadequate right now. I feel like I have not got shit to give and I'm living off of other people. It might seem like a joy-ride at first glance, but nothing could be further from the truth. I was independent. I was on a road to greater goals and prosperity until I fucking fell & decided to "take a break for a while". It's like I saw myself finally getting somewhere & then I just sabotaged the whole fucking thing. Perhaps it's just another form of my self-destructive tendencies. I'm so sick of it. I want out NOW. At this point though, it seems impossible to get out. I've burned too many bridges & replaced good habits with bad ones. I know there IS a way out, but I can't see shit right now. This sucks giant chupacabra ass.

Drug Tales

On Monday, as MU was leaving for her babysitting job, she asked me if I was going to see NS & I told her "no". In fact, the thought had not even occurred to me until she mentioned it. So, of course, I called him and he was at work and did not get back until Tuesday night. Well, even though I was depressed that I had even called him & was feeling like shit the whole day, I called & we hooked up. He had gotten 2 bags (these are bigger than the ones we usually get from TM). We did both of them in about 2.5 hours. I think one reason it went so fast was because it was weak shit (the guy he gets it from has told him before "if you don't like it, you don't have to buy it"). I was actually kinda glad that it turned out that way because had it been good shit, I would have been feeling extremely shitty afterwards, which I really didn't. So, overall the night was okay & I was kinda glad that my stupid plan was semi-foiled.

I also FINALLY went back on my anti-depression med (Prozac) on Sunday night. I felt it really start to kick in yesterday. I tried going off of it a few times during my 15 years or so of taking it, and have always been relieved to go back on. I know I have actually made a shitload of progress in fighting off depression since then & I guess I always want to see if maybe I can do it without the drug. Hopefully I can get back on track now. I feel slightly more focused & I don't have the suicidal thoughts popping in periodically, so that's good. Ah, drugs - what would we do without them!

History Repeating Itself

Last night was a complete roller coaster. I dropped off MU to her babysitting job through solid traffic and back, then my phone rang as I was on my final stretch. It was "the man", who I'll just start calling "TM" from now on. He was taking the train back from a baseball game and asked if I could pick him up from the station, then we could go get the shit. So, I turned around and went to meet him. Luckily it was not far from where I was. He was pretty drunk when I picked him up & said that we needed to wait for a call from his higher-up, so we drove back to the apartment to wait. He pulled out some bumps for us to do as we drove, which was cool. TM also runs a recording studio, and an open mic, which he's always bugged me to go to, but I never had. I've never done it mainly because of two reasons. First, I've always collaborated with other people, so I would be playing only a part of a complete song. The second reason is that it's always on a Friday, which has usually been when we've picked up our shit, which means that MU and I (especially my impatient ass) anxiously await to party and fuck the shit out of each other after we get it. So, I was playing him some stuff on the guitar & he was saying that I should definitely start working with him on a collaboration. He said I was a total asshole for never showing up at his open mics. I know. I totally am, lol.

So, we got the call and went to do the pick-up, then off to drop him off at his place. He wanted me to come in to do the exchange and show me his latest work. So, we went in. I noticed the studio looked a lot nicer than the last time I was there. This is the first time he played me any of HIS stuff. The first song was actually pretty good, but everything after that was just not really what I would like to work with. The hooks were very weak and the arrangement was bland. I was kinda hoping that I would be able to just record an album there and pay him for the studio time (which he has offered before), but now I think that he will want to work together. Fuck!

After that, I decided to go with him to check out the bar where he hosts the open mic. I wanted to hang with him for a while so that he would not be TOO pissed when I did not show up that night, lol. So I went there and the setup was okay. He introduced me to a few people, but my anxiety level was steadily rising. I stayed there for a short time, then I finally left. Now, we had been doing bumps ever since I picked him up, so I already had a decent buzz going.

I drove back home already knowing what would happen, even though I promised MU that it would not. The first thing I did when I got in was open one of the packages. I was only going to so a couple lines (which is always what I tell myself). Needless to say, that's not where it stopped. Luckily, I was able to half-way control it and only almost finish one package (we got 4). When she came home, I did not even tell her because I did not want to ruin things for our party. We started almost immediately. The sex was awesome & we were both really into it. It was great up until the very end when I had to tell her that there was no more. I was SO pissed at myself. Surprisingly, she was only slightly upset, but more worried about me. She actually held me on the couch while I stared off into the distance thinking about how much I fucking hate myself. I'm worried that this shit is just going to start all over again. I know that as long as I don't find work, and have nothing to do, the likelihood is very high. MU was crying earlier because she is so worried about me. Fuck.

Depress Mode

The shit finally got to us last night around 8pm. MU had to drive over there to pick it up, and came back with a single bag, which supposedly was 3 in 1. It did not look like that to me, but whatever - I was fiending bad & I knew that was enough. I will say that it was more pure than usual, but that did not stop me from making huge-ass lines, as usual. We partied for about 4 hours and had some great power exchange sex. What's really cool is that "the man" felt so bad for having MU wait so long, that he's going to hook us up this weekend with 3 more at the price of just the one he owes us. Bonus!

Other than that, my life has still been pretty depressing. I still have not found a job, although I've been looking half-heartedly. It's kind of discouraging when you know that the government is going to take about 40% of your fucking paycheck (I get an extra 10% garnished for unpaid school loans). But I HAVE been looking. I noticed that my old job (which I vowed never to return to because they treat their employees like shit) is hiring. It has been very humiliating that I'm actually considering going back. At least I would be able to work as a professional again & not some entry-level bullshit job. I've also considered nannying...or becoming a "manny" as they call it. The pay would be unmatched even if I worked at my ex-employer's - mainly because it would be cash. But doing that shit, especially as a guy in his 30's is just not something I would be comfortable with. Either way, I'm gonna have to swallow my fucking pride in some way.

I talked to my dad earlier & told him, again, that I plan on moving back to Chicago. He told me again that he really does not want me to come back & that he really needed me there. I feel so bad about this. I know my mom feels the same way, but she knows how much I dislike living in FL, so she understands. Why is life so friggin complicated? I know I have to do what's best for me right now, even though it's selfish. I've been battling severe clinical depression since I was a teenager & I swear that lately, it feels like all my efforts have been in vain. I've actually had suicidal thoughts pop into my head. Not cool. MU suggested that I go back on Prozac. I think she's probably right.

Divine BULLSHIT!!!

Yea, so last night did not even happen. Apparently there's been some of the biggest busts ever in Chicago and us cokeheads are feeling the impact. Actually, what happened last night apparently, was that he WAS offered some to sell, but "the man" tasted it and refused because it was "weak shit". At least we know that he's lookin' out for the quality. Luckily, we all know that these things are only temporary. So, here I am again waiting to hear from "the man" to see if we get to party tonight. This wait is fucking agonizing & I gotta make sure there is something else to distract me in case it does not happen again. Yesterday, I actually picked up my old hollowbody guitar (which is old and slightly out of tune due to age-related defects) and played a lot, which felt good.
My aunt called me yesterday too and said that she know a guy who manages a pretty popular band who is in need of a guitarist. I called him, but unfortunately they are looking for a "flaminco" style guitarist, which I'm just not. My heart is with rock 'n' roll (and some jazz - you just can't beat jazz as far as musicianship).

Divine Intervention?

So I was supposed to pick up a hearty supply of blow last night so we could party today (MU just got back from Denver). I gave the "man" the cash, and he said he would be back shortly. About an hour later, all hell broke loose. I swear, even in Florida, I have not seen the sky look so threatening! Sure enough, there was a friggin tornado watch for the exact area I'm staying in. I heard the alarms go off & shut the storm windows. At first, I really thought that it might have been possible that a hurricane had somehow made it to Chicago, lol. Strangely, my dog was very calm. Anyway, finally he gives me a call and tells me that he has not been able to even reach the main dude. Fucking great. I had it all planned out too. I was going to pick her up from the airport, then just go apeshit on her. Instead, here I am writing in my stupid blog again. We still have not heard a word. This sucks.

My Other Addiction

I'm back in Chicago, and I plan to stay! I got here about a week ago. I was SO glad to get the hell out of Florida, and even more glad that I was returning to my beloved hometown. Yes, my other addiciton is Chicago. And, yes, the cocaine - I'm getting to that...
The original plan was for me to stay with my friend, RM, but she just had two kids and it just did not make sense for me to stay there while trying to look for work (she also lives in the burbs). So, I came to stay with my ex (MU), who I have to admit, I've missed. My dog is also here, so I'm very happy to be able to see him. And, of course, MU likes to party and have intense nasty sex! She apparently got the stuff the weekend before I came here. I noticed she was being very vague about how much she had (she said she was going to try and get 3 packages). When playtime came, there was only one. She told me that she had been able to only get 2, and that she just put them both in one bag. I commented that it did not look like it amounted to 2, but was cool with it. The sex was amazing, as usual. Afterwards, she admitted to me that she had done some already, and that she was scared of becoming addicted. STOP! Wait a minute...
She said that she had been doing it every Friday, and she looked forward to her fridays now because she could escape for a while. I commented that "once a week" was what WE used to do, and she never had a problem with it. I felt like some sort of manipulation was in progress. I asked her if she did it alone, & she said "yes" and that "thats what porn is for". The last quote is exactly what I said when I did all that coke she sent down when she came to visit in FL. I asked her straight out "Are you being honest, or is this some sort of manipulation thing?". She said she was really scared of the addiction, and brought up the fact that she looked forward to Fridays again. I still smell a rat, but I don't know. I know that she wants me back more than anything, and I don't think she knows that I've been considering getting back with her very seriously. I really think that if we could keep it down to doing it just once a week, we will be fine. The problem before was that I was doing that in addition to partying with NS once, and sometimes twice a week. That's when things got really bad.
When I came up here, I really thought I would be able to just ignore NS, and not even let him know I was here. Well, MU went out of town for the week, leaving me here alone. I smoked some weed, and my inhibitions disappeared, so I called him. Needless to say, we partied on Friday. I WAS actually surprised that I actually called him. I really felt that I was through with that. Another former party person called me as well. He's been sending me texts to come party with him, but so far I've resisted. I really don't want to fall back into that fucking trap again & I'm scared. I worked out today for the first time in a long time, and it feels so good to do that again. I want THAT to be my habit that I do several times a week - not coke.
She is coming back on Tuesday. Apparently she has stuff already lined up for us to party. I can't wait! Damn, why is that shit so good???

Super-Foque

In case anyone is wondering where the fuck I've been. I got into a fight with my mom's fuckhead boyfriend. I'm living at my dad's now with extremely limited internet access. Who knows when I'll be back on my feet. I'm tryin' .

A Salty Discharge

Not too long ago, I asked a friend if it was normal for a guy to not be able to cry. She said it was. I seriously have not cried in about a decade (and that was due to a bad trip on mushrooms!). Well, today I was wasting time on YouTube, when I ran across a video one of my old favorite songs that I have not heard in ages. It was "Do You Realize" by The Flaming Lips. Low and behold, towards the last third of the song, I began to feel a salty discharge (as Seinfeld would say) coming from my eyes! OMFG, I can still do it! I don't give a shit what anyone thinks (especially in our Western bullshit society), but it felt good! I personally DON'T think it's normal to be unable to cry. It reminded me that I'm human - a LIVING human! It also made me remember just how powerful a song can really be. It made me want to write again - something I have not felt like doing because of my situation here.

After my last crash, I lay in bed unable to sleep, then remembered what this guy, John, was saying at my last NA meeting. He said that he had done something very unusual for him. He finally decided to ask for help from a higher power. Well, shit - I did the same damn thing. Lord knows I've tried to do this on my own and have failed miserably. I got out of bed in the dark and dropped to my knees and prayed intensely! And, I have to admit that things have been going better since. Don't worry, I'm not about to get all religious wacko on everyone (seen that shit & don't like it at all)! However, I have always been a spiritual person, although unsatisfied with organized religion. I do strongly believe that there IS a higher power, and I know that it helps you when you open up to it. My life experience has done enough to prove that to my skeptic ass! Man, life is strange!!!