Sunday, September 25, 2011

There is a Light That Never Goes Out

Another weekend is coming to a close here & I guess you could say I've improved slightly. No, I did not resist temptation on Friday night, but the "coke" we got was some of the worst shit I've ever tried. Like it was such shit that I actually returned it to Mr. X and he gave me my $ back. On top of selling us a bunch of fake ass bullshit, the fucker wanted to charge us more for it because they were larger than normal packages. Yea, fucking great, so you're charging us more for a large package of fucking baking soda? Fuck you! I hope someone gets whacked for cutting it. Assholes.
Anyway, needless to say, I did not get too fucked up, so I was actually functional the next day.
I went to another NA meeting on Wednesday & actually got my white key chain this time (symbol of someone who is at least trying). Everyone clapped enthusiastically when I got up to get it. It was actually pretty cool! PN, the girl I mentioned last time gave me a big hug afterwards and said "thanks for coming!". It was quite nice.
On Saturday, I called her just to talk and get a little more familiar with her and the program itself. Turns out she was in a similar situation as I was in '08. She lived with an abusive girlfriend who had her hooked on heroin. I think she threw the girlfriend thing in there to make sure I knew she is a lesbian, lol! I'm actually glad she is, because right now I need a friend more than anything. There was another guy there that spoke to me for a bit before I left the last meeting who seems really cool. I swear, this may just be the thing I need to finally get the fuck out of this mess.
I also went back to the gym (finally) after two weeks of being too fucked up to do it. It feels good, although I still feel sluggish.

Monday, September 19, 2011

Destroy Everything You Touch

I'm starting this one out with a thanks to "outcast5555..." for reminding me about the NA meetings! In my warped mind, I thought I had written about that, but it turns out I did not.
I did attend my first Chicago meeting the week before last & it actually went really well. The particular meeting I went to advertised that it was GLBT friendly, so that was an immediate attraction. It also advertised that they held meetings by candle light, which was very much my taste. I got a few numbers afterwards, then my social anxiety kicked in full force, and I had to go. The girl sitting next to me was particularly very friendly to me and was encouraging me to participate (no sexual attraction...I think she was lesbian anyway). I'd LOVE to have someone like that as a sponsor. That's what I need. Someone who I click with, who is kind of in my face about things. Only certain people could pull that off with me. I don't think they let co-ed sponsorship happen anyway. Maybe they do, I dunno.
Fast forward to last weekend...I had what I believe to be the longest coke binge I've ever had. I fucking snorted for roughly 26 hours straight. I bought two large bags for myself, and after X left, I kept doing it and watching porn. Of course, as I'm doing it I use the excuse of chasing the elusive orgasm, but I'm really doing it as an excuse to do more fucking coke. Typical bullshit. Told myself I was only going to do a couple lines from one of the bags. Yea fucking right. I did 1.5 bags by myself in addition to what I did with X & the only reason I stopped was that it actually started making my headache worse (big surprise).
When Sunday rolled around, I made myself go out with the girl I've been dating because I blew her off 2 times in a row already because I was too fucked up to go out. Luckily, we had planned to go out for drinks! Yea, I was miserable the whole fucking time and had to cut it short. As an extra bonus, one of these pussy ass meter maids gave me a ticket! Motherfuckers! I HATE them! I hope people start shooting your fucking asses! I'm not kidding, I really wish that on them. Right in the fucking head. Apparently, you can't park for free even on fucking Sundays now. Pieces of shit...DIE! DIE! DIE!
Anyway, I saw my therapist today & he's quite worried about me. My eyes actually started to tear during the session. That does not happen much at all! He strongly recommended that I attend 4 NA meetings a week and find a sponsor. This is going to be hard, but it may work. I'm running out of ideas...and time.
A song has been stuck in my head since last night. "Destroy Everything You Touch" by Ladytron. Holy fucking shit, that describes me to the letter. They're singing about ME, lol! I don't have anyone close because I cut everyone off before they hurt me. It's my fucking theme song, and the video is amazing!

Monday, September 12, 2011

Please, not again

It's certainly feeling like I'm slipping back again. X wasn't available until Sunday night over the weekend, so I broke down and called my old dealer (who is an ass to me), half expecting not to hear back from him. Well, he got back and I bought. So now I'm starting to buy my own shit in addition to what X gives me...just like back in '08. I'm fucking scared.
I did the shit I bought and hired a hooker who did some with me. She was okay, but nothing special. Then I found some guys on the website. This was Saturday. Then, just as I'm starting to recover, BAM! Now I'm partying with Mr. X. In anticipation of being fucked up today, I called Sunday and cancelled today's appointment with my new therapist. What a great start I'm off to. I'm at a complete loss. I really don't know what to do any more. Any serious suggestions (especially from former addicts) would be appreciated. I feel like I've tried everything except for actual rehab. My best friend suggested outpatient rehab, but I'm not exactly sure how that works. I imagine you have to go through the emergency room first, which is not an option for me because the chances of me being recognized at any of them are high.
My life appears, once again, to be revolving around coke. This is bad. Very bad.

Monday, September 5, 2011

Going Down Now

I've sunk into a level of depression I've not experienced in a long time. I cancelled my date with this new girl I've been seeing (mild attraction) because one of my exes (lots of attraction) called and said she was going to try and see me today for her birthday (coincidentally Labour Day). She's flaky as hell & I fully expect to be blown off, and so far my expectations appear to be well founded. Thinking ahead, I stopped by an ATM on the way back from the gym for the possibility of hiring an escort. I met one a couple weeks ago who blew my mind. She was expensive, but easily the best I've ever had as far as call girls. I was so fucked up though when I met her that I could not get hard. I'm kinda hoping she's around tonight. Seems like all the others pale by comparison. Even if that does happen, or if I see one that's as appealing as is she, I don't know if I'm even going to call. I'm just so goddamn depressed, I'm not sure I'd even enjoy it much. I'm actually quite attractive & I shouldn't have to be doing this, but I do. Maybe it's the thrill. Who the fuck knows.
I've not reached the point of suicidal thoughts, but I feel like I'm dancing along that edge. I need some hope. I need my fucking Prozac!!

Sunday, September 4, 2011

The Struggle to Keep Hope Alive

Yea, so the NA meeting went great! I got stoned about 3 hours before it started and figured I'd be okay by the time I had to go. Guess what! I wasn't, so I didn't go. Shocker, huh?
So Friday came around and I got the inevitable page from X & I responded immediately, of course. I was so distressed about the situation that he could just tell from my voice and asked me if I was sure I wanted to get together. I know I was less than enthused, but I wasn't gonna pass up a chance to get fucked up for free. I DID refrain from buying my own package/s this time. And a good thing, because the shit he got this time was not that good. These motherfuckers cut the shit more and more until people complain and stop buying, then *BAM*, all of the sudden the shit is really good again, and the cycle starts all over again until people complain again.
Whatever they mixed it with this time has not been sitting well with me. I've had a lot of trouble sleeping and with temperature control. For the past couple of nights, I've laid in bed either too cold to sleep with the sheets off me, or too hot to sleep with them on. Last night, every time I put the covers over me, I'd begin to sweat, then I'd take them off and I'd be freezing. I spent pretty much the whole night going back and forth with that shit.
Oh, I should probably mention that I got my letter from the fire department that contained my "lottery" number, which determines when I will be summoned for consideration. By my calculations of my shitty ass number, it will be at LEAST 5 years until I'm even considered. The whole time I've been waiting for that fucking number, I've been telling myself that I should not put all my eggs in that basket anyway. Now that I've finally got the stupid number, I realize that that was pretty much my ONLY basket. That was pretty much my last hope of ever making real money. It's over. By the time they get to me, I'll be too old, or with any luck, dead.
No, really, I've tried to put a positive "spin" on this shit, but I feel like I'm lying to myself when I do. I know there's very little chance of me ever being able to go back to school for anything because of the massive amount I owe and am in default with. Even if I did manage to get back in, I've got that goddamn undiagnosed learning disability. I KNOW it's there. If I were really stupid, I would admit it. I really would! But I know I'm not. I'm no genius, but I'm certainly not stupid. At this point, I'm praying for a miracle. I know they DO happen sometimes. Maybe the gods will smile upon me. So that's that. This has added to my distress.
I also contacted AJ upon her return from VA (now she tells me she was actually in NC). I told her that I didn't believe for a second that she was making her decision to never consider me again due to that stupid ass small mistake I made (I got her last name wrong while ringing her door bell, after not seeing her for months). She finally admitted, in a roundabout way, that she knew I was still doing shit with X. Fair enough. She's gone forever.
Hmmm...it's starting to make sense now why I've been so goddamn depressed lately.
Last night there was a CA (Cocaine Anonymous) meeting that my best friend turned me on to. I conveniently fell asleep. No, I didn't even fall asleep. I laid down with the intention of sleeping and missing it. I don't feel like doing ANYTHING. It took a great effort just to get my ass up to go grocery shopping about an hour ago. I've been trying to get myself to go to the gym and get a haircut. Good luck to me.
Wow, amazing, I wrote more than a couple paragraphs! There must be a shitload of shit on my mind.