I'll start out by describing the "miracle" that happened last month. My car was found, without a single scratch. We got a letter from the Chicago Pound saying that the car was in their lot and impounded. I could not believe the news when I heard it, and was so happy! But my excitement dwindled as I found out the details as to where it was found. The car was found on the next street south of where I left it and at the exact hundred block west! I was 100% sure about where I left it - I even remembered the details about that walk home from the last time I saw it. But there was a factor that I had not considered until I found out about where it was found. At the time, AJ and I were smoking LOTS of weed. Yes, I began considering the possibility that this whole thing was a mistake on my part and that the car was never stolen! Is it possible that I parked it A BLOCK AWAY and was so absent-minded that I simply forgot where I parked it??? As embarrassing as this is, and as much of a pot advocate I am, I HAVE to admit that this may have indeed been what actually happened! Is it possible that the car WAS stolen, taken for a joy ride, then returned a block away without a scratch?? I guess, but it's seeming less likely! I've not told ANYONE this because I'm far too embarrassed. Regardless of what really happened, the fact is that I've put myself in a situation where a mistake like this CAN happen. That whole memory of me walking back from the car that night and seeing a woman staring at me DID happen...but I now believe that this memory was of a DIFFERENT night! I can't go on like this! It's unacceptable! But...I have.
AJ and I broke up after another altercation. We had another huge argument over something stupid and she brought up something from the past (which we both agreed we would not do) and I lost it. No, I did not hit her, but I threw her to the ground after she tried taking my shoe as I was trying to leave and calm down (we also agreed that she would not interfere when I needed to step out to calm down). That was the last time. I still love her to death, but I can't have her. Not like that. I think about her every day and wish the good things could have kept going without the bad, but that's just a fantasy. God, I miss her. I miss her daughter too. We were a family. But I can't go back. When things get physical like that, I have to draw the line.
So, now I've started seeing LH again (girl from work with the killer body, but below average above the neck). When I left her to go back to AJ, she ended up in the hospital because she swallowed a bunch of pills. Yes, this is the girl I've decided to go back out with! But, she does everything for me and i feel respected (unlike with AJ) and gives a HELL of a blow-job! It gets worse...
I'm back to Mr. X again a few times a month. Yes, the coke too. I don't think it will ever get as bad as it did in '08, but again, it's not the best thing to have when you're wanting to be in a serious relationship with a female. I know I'm not taking this new relationship with LH anywhere near as seriously as she's taking it. I'm in hell.
Also, to make matters worse, my big toe is still hurting me from a few months back when AJ pissed me off so much (within literally 10 minutes of getting back together) that I kicked my steel garbage can. I think I have a fracture. Anyway, I have not been able to do my normal cardio workouts because of it and it's definitely affecting my brain. I'm back to being depressed again. I'm also starting to look and feel old. The most terrifying thing in American culture is getting old. The horror. The horror!
mementos mori
2 years ago
2 comments:
We call "X" "E" here, and regular clubbers in my day just used to call it "pills". Ecstasy is one drug I've taken loads of that I never, ever got a dud pill. Ever. How I loved MDMA! But I nearly always took it at parties where you could dance. I didn't like rushing out of my box without the opportunity to dance. The first time I took ecstasy was the first time in my life I ever danced without feeling totally self-conscious. When I was on E I felt I was in my own element. Everyone could see I was having a good time ~ I used to get endless queries ~ did I have any pills for sale. Everyone thought I'd had good ones!!
That was my question to you ~ where/what situation are you taking this X stuff in? At home? In bed? Outside? At parties?... or where/how? Forgive my nosiness.
Cocaine I found you have to be v selective about who you take it with, otherwise you'll end up with a crowd of complete buzz-killers. I was piping crack though. And that was mental.
I haven't done any crack in months, since I gave up at new years going into 2009. If 2009 and months seem a contradiction, it's because I lapsed a handful of times. But I don't miss cocaine at all. When I think about smoking, I just want to be sick.
You said the most terrifying thing in American culture is getting old, but you made me think of something I see from across the old Pond and that is that America itself seems to be aging. It seems to be a middle aged country now, no longer a young country. Do you think this is true..?
I hope everything works out for the best your end.
PS I wear steel boots most days. Means I can kick anything I please, climb over railings etc without inconvenient repercussions!
Ah, I think you got a little mixed up. "Mr.X" is someone I regurlaly hook up with, lol. I've done E too, but I think I did actually get a dud because it did nothing. I've heard great things though!
I've not really thought about the whole country aging, but it's possible. Not sure what the stats are...shit I'm not sure about anything any more, lol!
Thanks for the good wishes, and thanks for reading :)
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