Cold Theme

I've been trying to post on here lately, but I've been too damn depressed to even do that. Even though I'm up to 30mg now on the Prozac, this depression is getting worse. Despite "demands" from my therapist to go to NA meetings, find a sponsor and to tell X that it's over, I've not done anything. I've kept the weekly binge schedule, although we did less this weekend, but that's not making a difference. The fact that I could not resist is what's bringing me down, I'm quite sure. I got fucked up on Friday, and Saturday was my best friend's Halloween party, which I skipped because I was feeling like shit. I told myself I would not miss her party. I failed.

This is not me. This is not who I am. I've not gone to the gym. I'm walking around with an angry frown on my face whenever I'm outside. I don't like this at all.

To make matters worse, my shitty ass building has been without hot water for the last 2 days. I fucking hate this place. I guess the 3 weeks without cooking gas wasn't enough. And this stupid ass bitch who moved in upstairs (who walks loudly and constantly on the hardwood floors) is irritating me. I looked like the hot water heater got fixed last night because I tested it and the water was no longer freezing like the water from the cold side. So what does this dumbfuck upstairs do? She runs the fucking water all night thinking that's going to help it heat up! When I woke up, she was still running the fucking water, so I had to fill my tub up pan by pan of boiling water. By the time there was enough for me to get in, I noticed the hot water was finally starting to work again.

I'm seriously thinking about moving down to FL again.

Zack is Back for the Counter Attack

Last week, I went down to FL to visit my family. It rained the whole time I was down there, but it was nice to see everyone and it was nice to have a reason to stay clean that week.

I started thinking about moving down there again just to be close to everyone. I dunno. It's a consideration.

I canceled my therapy appointment the week before I left because I simply ran out of time to prepare for the trip. When I came in the next week (this was the first time we were meeting on a Wednesday rather than a Monday), my therapist (DM) told me that one of the reasons he switched my days was because Wednesdays would be in the middle of the week and not right after my weekend binges. He thought maybe there would be a difference in my mood...and there was, but not what he expected. He said I actually looked more depressed than usual. Wonderful.

Well, there's still hope though. Just before my session, I stopped at the pharmacy to FINALLY get my prescription for Prozac (SEVEN fucking weeks to see a Doctor with this United Healthcare bullshit insurance! I imagine many patients end up killing themselves within the time it takes to see a fucking psychiatrist!). So, the next morning I started on the low dose of 10mg, and over a month I'm to work my way up to 40. I could have sworn I felt the effects the same day I started taking it, but that was probably just the 'ol placebo effect. Nonetheless, I succeeded in counteracting the effects this past weekend by going on another coke binge with X, and then by myself afterwards.

I also ended up blowing off my good friend from college as she was having a going away party (leaving the country again). I feel like such a piece of shit for that. I'm losing what little is left of my friends. This has got to stop now.

The Skiing Hindu

I gave in again on Friday night (big surprise there). Part of the problem is I've become so friendless that I'm left with absolutely nothing to do on my days off. Actually, I DID have something to do. My mom was in town and wanted me to see her at my family's place where she was staying. I told her I was too tired to go. I suck.

After X left, I opened the package I had bought from him and kept snorting and watching porn all night...but wait! That wasn't enough, because a couple hours into it, I hired that call girl I was so impressed with last time! It was pretty much the same thing this time. I got semi-hard, then totally lame for the rest of the time. She seemed tired too (it was pretty late). Basically, I just blew $260 for nothing. The one semi-saving grace is that I came 4 times. Once with X and 3 times watching porn. What an awesome life I live <---sarcasm.

I FINALLY got this damn book I ordered from Amazon called "The Power of the Dharma". I've been interested in a long time in Sanatana Dharma (Hinduism) & so far it seems to be right up my alley. Based on everything I've learned studying different philosophies, I think this may actually be one that I stick with.

I skipped the last NA meeting. No excuse, just did.