Fucking Ape

So before my weekend began, I decided to check my email account (the one I sent X the letter from). To my surprise, there was a reply, but not from him. It was an error reply telling me that the recipient could not be reached at that address. Well, that explains why X just went about things as if nothing had happened! I've sent him similar emails before, so maybe he just decided to block ME on that account. "Fucking ape", as my cousin used to say.

Needless to say, I hooked up with him on Friday again. It was not a long session. He claimed he had to leave early due to work the next morning, so we didn't do that much blow. I was actually well enough on Sunday to go to the gym and do a full workout (weights and cardio).

Nonetheless, I'm depressed as fuck again. What the fuck am I going to tell my shrink? Last time we had a session, he talked about how maybe he was not the right therapist for me due to the lack of progress. He's right. What the hell am i supposed to talk about on Wednesday? How I failed to resist again? I'm considering cancelling or just giving up therapy all together.

In the meantime, the girl I was dating became pretty upset about me not pursuing her any further. I feel bad about it. I'm back to being lonely as hell on top of miserable. Great.

Zack is Back for the Counter Attack

Last week, I went down to FL to visit my family. It rained the whole time I was down there, but it was nice to see everyone and it was nice to have a reason to stay clean that week.

I started thinking about moving down there again just to be close to everyone. I dunno. It's a consideration.

I canceled my therapy appointment the week before I left because I simply ran out of time to prepare for the trip. When I came in the next week (this was the first time we were meeting on a Wednesday rather than a Monday), my therapist (DM) told me that one of the reasons he switched my days was because Wednesdays would be in the middle of the week and not right after my weekend binges. He thought maybe there would be a difference in my mood...and there was, but not what he expected. He said I actually looked more depressed than usual. Wonderful.

Well, there's still hope though. Just before my session, I stopped at the pharmacy to FINALLY get my prescription for Prozac (SEVEN fucking weeks to see a Doctor with this United Healthcare bullshit insurance! I imagine many patients end up killing themselves within the time it takes to see a fucking psychiatrist!). So, the next morning I started on the low dose of 10mg, and over a month I'm to work my way up to 40. I could have sworn I felt the effects the same day I started taking it, but that was probably just the 'ol placebo effect. Nonetheless, I succeeded in counteracting the effects this past weekend by going on another coke binge with X, and then by myself afterwards.

I also ended up blowing off my good friend from college as she was having a going away party (leaving the country again). I feel like such a piece of shit for that. I'm losing what little is left of my friends. This has got to stop now.

The Skiing Hindu

I gave in again on Friday night (big surprise there). Part of the problem is I've become so friendless that I'm left with absolutely nothing to do on my days off. Actually, I DID have something to do. My mom was in town and wanted me to see her at my family's place where she was staying. I told her I was too tired to go. I suck.

After X left, I opened the package I had bought from him and kept snorting and watching porn all night...but wait! That wasn't enough, because a couple hours into it, I hired that call girl I was so impressed with last time! It was pretty much the same thing this time. I got semi-hard, then totally lame for the rest of the time. She seemed tired too (it was pretty late). Basically, I just blew $260 for nothing. The one semi-saving grace is that I came 4 times. Once with X and 3 times watching porn. What an awesome life I live <---sarcasm.

I FINALLY got this damn book I ordered from Amazon called "The Power of the Dharma". I've been interested in a long time in Sanatana Dharma (Hinduism) & so far it seems to be right up my alley. Based on everything I've learned studying different philosophies, I think this may actually be one that I stick with.

I skipped the last NA meeting. No excuse, just did.

There is a Light That Never Goes Out

Another weekend is coming to a close here & I guess you could say I've improved slightly. No, I did not resist temptation on Friday night, but the "coke" we got was some of the worst shit I've ever tried. Like it was such shit that I actually returned it to Mr. X and he gave me my $ back. On top of selling us a bunch of fake ass bullshit, the fucker wanted to charge us more for it because they were larger than normal packages. Yea, fucking great, so you're charging us more for a large package of fucking baking soda? Fuck you! I hope someone gets whacked for cutting it. Assholes.

Anyway, needless to say, I did not get too fucked up, so I was actually functional the next day.

I went to another NA meeting on Wednesday & actually got my white key chain this time (symbol of someone who is at least trying). Everyone clapped enthusiastically when I got up to get it. It was actually pretty cool! PN, the girl I mentioned last time gave me a big hug afterwards and said "thanks for coming!". It was quite nice.

On Saturday, I called her just to talk and get a little more familiar with her and the program itself. Turns out she was in a similar situation as I was in '08. She lived with an abusive girlfriend who had her hooked on heroin. I think she threw the girlfriend thing in there to make sure I knew she is a lesbian, lol! I'm actually glad she is, because right now I need a friend more than anything. There was another guy there that spoke to me for a bit before I left the last meeting who seems really cool. I swear, this may just be the thing I need to finally get the fuck out of this mess.

I also went back to the gym (finally) after two weeks of being too fucked up to do it. It feels good, although I still feel sluggish.

Please, not again

It's certainly feeling like I'm slipping back again. X wasn't available until Sunday night over the weekend, so I broke down and called my old dealer (who is an ass to me), half expecting not to hear back from him. Well, he got back and I bought. So now I'm starting to buy my own shit in addition to what X gives me...just like back in '08. I'm fucking scared.

I did the shit I bought and hired a hooker who did some with me. She was okay, but nothing special. Then I found some guys on the website. This was Saturday. Then, just as I'm starting to recover, BAM! Now I'm partying with Mr. X. In anticipation of being fucked up today, I called Sunday and cancelled today's appointment with my new therapist. What a great start I'm off to. I'm at a complete loss. I really don't know what to do any more. Any serious suggestions (especially from former addicts) would be appreciated. I feel like I've tried everything except for actual rehab. My best friend suggested outpatient rehab, but I'm not exactly sure how that works. I imagine you have to go through the emergency room first, which is not an option for me because the chances of me being recognized at any of them are high.

My life appears, once again, to be revolving around coke. This is bad. Very bad.

The Struggle to Keep Hope Alive

Yea, so the NA meeting went great! I got stoned about 3 hours before it started and figured I'd be okay by the time I had to go. Guess what! I wasn't, so I didn't go. Shocker, huh?

So Friday came around and I got the inevitable page from X & I responded immediately, of course. I was so distressed about the situation that he could just tell from my voice and asked me if I was sure I wanted to get together. I know I was less than enthused, but I wasn't gonna pass up a chance to get fucked up for free. I DID refrain from buying my own package/s this time. And a good thing, because the shit he got this time was not that good. These motherfuckers cut the shit more and more until people complain and stop buying, then *BAM*, all of the sudden the shit is really good again, and the cycle starts all over again until people complain again.

Whatever they mixed it with this time has not been sitting well with me. I've had a lot of trouble sleeping and with temperature control. For the past couple of nights, I've laid in bed either too cold to sleep with the sheets off me, or too hot to sleep with them on. Last night, every time I put the covers over me, I'd begin to sweat, then I'd take them off and I'd be freezing. I spent pretty much the whole night going back and forth with that shit.

Oh, I should probably mention that I got my letter from the fire department that contained my "lottery" number, which determines when I will be summoned for consideration. By my calculations of my shitty ass number, it will be at LEAST 5 years until I'm even considered. The whole time I've been waiting for that fucking number, I've been telling myself that I should not put all my eggs in that basket anyway. Now that I've finally got the stupid number, I realize that that was pretty much my ONLY basket. That was pretty much my last hope of ever making real money. It's over. By the time they get to me, I'll be too old, or with any luck, dead.

No, really, I've tried to put a positive "spin" on this shit, but I feel like I'm lying to myself when I do. I know there's very little chance of me ever being able to go back to school for anything because of the massive amount I owe and am in default with. Even if I did manage to get back in, I've got that goddamn undiagnosed learning disability. I KNOW it's there. If I were really stupid, I would admit it. I really would! But I know I'm not. I'm no genius, but I'm certainly not stupid. At this point, I'm praying for a miracle. I know they DO happen sometimes. Maybe the gods will smile upon me. So that's that. This has added to my distress.

I also contacted AJ upon her return from VA (now she tells me she was actually in NC). I told her that I didn't believe for a second that she was making her decision to never consider me again due to that stupid ass small mistake I made (I got her last name wrong while ringing her door bell, after not seeing her for months). She finally admitted, in a roundabout way, that she knew I was still doing shit with X. Fair enough. She's gone forever.

Hmmm...it's starting to make sense now why I've been so goddamn depressed lately.

Last night there was a CA (Cocaine Anonymous) meeting that my best friend turned me on to. I conveniently fell asleep. No, I didn't even fall asleep. I laid down with the intention of sleeping and missing it. I don't feel like doing ANYTHING. It took a great effort just to get my ass up to go grocery shopping about an hour ago. I've been trying to get myself to go to the gym and get a haircut. Good luck to me.

Wow, amazing, I wrote more than a couple paragraphs! There must be a shitload of shit on my mind.

Massive Counterattack

Yea, so that same night I was so happy about finding out my new therapist and I were going to click, I must have REALLY pissed off evil because it came at me like a shit storm (Trailer Park Boys reference)!

I had a little over one bag of coke left and I decided I was going to "just do a couple lines" and watch some porn. As you guessed, one "a couple lines" turned into the entire fucking supply which lasted roughly 8 hours. And, as usual, I didn't even have a fucking orgasm.

Once I snorted the last line, I knew I was going to have to call off work and I just collapsed on my bed and actually began to cry (I don't do that often at all). My lack of control was so goddamn obvious, and I had let it defeat me once again. It was also obvious that it was starting to affect my work again (on top of the rest of my life). I felt completely alone and covered my face with my arms crossed over my eyes.

Of course I told myself that I was now determined to stop for good. I've told myself that before, but this felt different. I've told myself that before too. I'm still not giving up. I'm doing something about it.

Tonight, I'm attending my first Narcotics Anonymous meeting here in town. As I mentioned before, I tried them when I was down in FL with no success. I'm telling myself that I'm in a better position now since at least I don't have that fucking asshole to deal with when I get home. I have my own place now where I have some peace. And if this doesn't work, I will put myself into an outpatient rehab program. I HAVE to stop. I NEED my life back. Fuck this!

Pushing Back the Enemy Lines...

Get it? "Lines", hahaha! That was horrible, I know!

I had my first therapy session with the shrink I'll call "DM". As you recall, in my last hopeless episode, I was weary about this guy and was very skeptical to meet him. As it turns out, I like him a LOT!! As part of me suspected, his voice is just naturally deep and soft, and I must have interpreted that over the phone as being disinterested. I felt comfortable right away, and the place I'm going to (a place that caters specifically to the LBGT community) matched me up with him well. He also happens to have lots of experience, especially with drug addiction! When you sign up, they ask you what your preferences are. I told them that a bisexual male would be preferable, but not necessary. He assured me that we would get through this. It felt really good to hear that, and he was quite confident in his statement, which made me feel the same. There's HOPE!! Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!!!

After this one session, I've even gotten a little more comfortable with the idea of going back to school. That appears to be a far stretch at this point, but nonetheless, it certainly seems more possible now than it did before. It's also nice to feel less alone. This is a good day.

The Feel of Shit

I don't even feel like writing but, again, I feel the need to at least make my secret life known to SOMEBODY.

Once again I'm all fucked up from this weekend's binge. I bought $300 worth this time on top of what X gets. I actually started out by going to see MU first, then X, then watched a bunch of porn. It's totally out of fucking control. And, it's become what I look forward to on the weekends. I know this is not normal and I know it's destroying me. I did that shit until my nose bled & then some. The things I do are disgusting and make me disgusted with myself.

Someone commented on my last post that I should check out AA. I tried NarcAnon when I was down in FL and it did not seem like it was going to work for me. I know there is an AA meeting place literally 2 blocks from here, so it wouldn't hurt to check it out. I've heard nothing but good things about them.

I'm seeing my therapist for the first time tomorrow. I really hope he's not a tool. He called me last week to tell me (in a less-than enthused voice) that he had been assigned to me and was calling to set up an appointment. Why the fuck would you become a therapist...ok I'll stop. Maybe...hopefully...he was just having a bad day or something.

I've not heard a word from AJ since she left on vacation. I'm thinking she may have started that last argument on purpose. I need to just let her go...I think.

God Help Me

I don't really feel like blogging, but I just wanted to report my last "incident". I went into Chicago Saturday night for what I thought was going to be a date. As it turns out, the girl I went to meet just wanted me to swing by for a few minutes, and had plans with a friend later. Whatever. So, what does my dumbass do? I call Mr. X (who I knew had to work in the morning) and asked if he could pick me up a package. He said he could. About 5min later, I called and asked if he could get me two instead. He did. I went to pick it up and we ended up fucking around for a bit, then I headed to the baths. Long story short: Lots of oral sex and coke until my body was to tired to go on. Incredibly, I had only gone through most of ONE package. I drove 70 miles back home, then pretty much watched porn and did the rest of the coke for the next 24 hours.

Needless to say, I feel like shit now. I've spent $500 on coke this month. That's the most ever. I don't want this shit anymore. I want this to be the last time. I no longer have enough money for a security deposit for my new place. I spent it because I knew that I could sell my music gear and get the cash back. Still, that's bullshit. I prayed to God last night to please help me. I want to be done.

My Specialty: Playing With Fire

In my own ungracious way, I kind of saw this coming eventually. Remember "MU"? She was the psycho I was living with 3 years ago, at the low-point in this whole coke thing. At least every weekend, we would go on coke binges and have nasty intense sex (still the best sex to date). Anyway, we say hi to each other once in a while through text, and more recently I had to turn to her to get my herb since the entire state of Wisconsin is fucking dry!

So, last week I told her I wouldn't mind doing some "dirty play" with her again sometime. She concurred. Tonight I'm going back to the same place where it all finally spiraled out of control to do what we used to do. I know it's a huge risk to open up that Pandora's Box again, but the thrill has overpowered me. What a filthy slut that girl is. I can't wait!

Please make it stop

I need to stop this train wreck that my life has turned into. I'm getting too old for this, and I desperately want to believe in something more than just this. I had to break too many hearts, including my own because of the stupid shit I do. It may have worked out with AJ had it not been for that shit. I love her SO much, and it kills me to know that it can never work out because of what has already happened between us. The damage is done. It's the same goddamn thing with my ex fiance. It would have definitely worked with her, but once again, my bullshit got in the way.

I got way fucked up last night again with the notorious Mr. X. Once again, neither of us even had an orgasm, so he kinda just took off. I laid in bed pretty much paralyzed from complete exhaustion. Then came the crash. Not the worst I've ever had, but it was still a bad one. I know when it's gotten really bad when I start to lose my balance, which happened last night. After about an hour of laying there wishing I could just sleep, I started breaking out in a cold sweat and feeling very nauseous. After about 2 hours of this torture, I laid in bed looking like I had taken a shower. Amazingly, I was able to resist vomiting.

We have a show this weekend, and I don't want to even do it. I've been losing interest. There is some fire left, but nothing like before. I've been considering quitting the band and just going back home with my tail between my legs. DS keeps reminding me how awesome it is to be out there rockin all over and having chicks all over us. I'm not denying that it's a really good feeling, but it's not ultimately what I want. I want a "love of my life". Shit, I've HAD a few of them, but have had to let them go. It might really be over this time. I've not made an official decision yet, but it's what I've been feeling lately. DS will be pissed, but I can't force this. Also, even if the fire comes back full-force, it's not enough for it to just come back for a while and then leave me high and dry again for months. That's not enough for a sustained effort, which is essential for what we are trying to do.

I really miss having my little family that I had with AJ and her daughter. I swore I would never let my bullshit fuck up another promising relationship. But, here we go again. God help me.

Longest Break EVER!

WOW, it's been a long time! I've completely stopped writing in my paper journal because other people simply cannot be trusted not to go through it. Like pretty much everything, I've learned that the hard way, lol.
I'll give you the last year or so summed up in a nutshell:

Just before I moved out of Squeaky's place, I started seeing this other girl, AJ. Heart of gold, shell and tongue of steel (spiked too!). We've had a pretty bumpy relationship for about a year now, but one thing I can tell you without a doubt about her is that she is trying harder to work things out with me and within herself than any other girl I've ever been in a relationship with. Also, she loves me very very much and the feelings are mutual. She has a daughter, whom is very sweet and we get along great. She is 7. We all lived together in Chicago for almost a year, but I was still dealing with the tail end of my whole stupid thing with Mr. X and coke. We all went through absolute hell, and it's actually amazing that we're still together (after many breakups, of course, lol). We both did some horrible things to each other, but we both know our love is very deep...even deeper than our own personal issues. We plan on getting married on 6-6-12.
As for me, I live in Southern Wisconsin now. I moved up here because everyone else in my band lives here, including my longtime best friend and guitarist, DS. I actually just moved in at the beginning of this month. I had just bought an AWESOME car, which was stolen in Chicago literally the night before I was bringing the last of my stuff up here. It was a huge blow, but I'm holding my head high and have had nothing but great support from those around me. As one can imagine, I was completely freaked out at first (and homicidal, of course...I'll still KILL whoever took my car if I ever find out). My drive to work from here is 1.5 hours minimum (I still work in Chicago). Luckily, I got my shifts down to 2 a week (I work a 24 on one day), so it's not that bad...unless you don't have a CAR!!! Again, luckily, DS has been nice enough to let me use his car until I can find another one.
As far as the band, we are doing very well. Everything seems to be coming together actually. I see the car theft thing as a test of my will. I've passed this test and I'm ready for the next.
When I was looking for places here, i was very specific as to where I wanted to live (downtown, by the lake, and close to DS). I got rejected about 30 times because I have a dog. I really started to lose hope until the last minute (literally DAYS before my move), DS found a place. It's where I live now, and it's AWESOME!!! I've got me a HUGE 2 bedroom with two bathrooms in the heart of downtown, 2 blocks away from the lake and a 5 minute walk from DS's place. But, even more exciting is the fact that when I first walked in this place, I noticed the gigantic living room space, and thought "Wow, this would be GREAT for a rehearsal spot!". Well, we're rehearsing here now and it's worked out perfectly so far!
Ah, yes, the coke issue. As I mentioned before, I was still doing it while I was living in Chicago with Mr. X, but nowhere near as much as I used to. 3 times a month at most. This was during a time when AJ and I agreed to have an open relationship with people of the same sex. She found out about the coke use through my paper journal, hell was raised, and the rest is history. I've been completely clean of it for over a month now, and have had no problem doing so. Mr. X does try to contact me here and there, but I just ignore him. He really pissed me off last time we hooked up, so it actually makes it easier to ignore him. All I have to do is think about the incident, lol. I think that as long as that fucker is out of the picture, I'll be just fine. Wow, it feels good to write again, lol! Peace.

The Idiot's Guide to GPS

I did not expect to hear from N.S. this week. Last time we hooked up, I tried to wake him up in the morning, but he was in deep sleep. So I took off & took the rest of the coke with me (technically it was mine - I just had not paid him for it yet, which basically means he's not getting paid, lol. Yea, I'm an ass, lol.) Anyway, I thought that, since I had not heard from him in over a week, he was pissed. Maybe he was, but he called Thursday & was like nothing happened, so hey - whatever. We ended up hooking up the following night. The shit was pretty damn good & the crash afterward did not include the standard deep bout of depression, so I was happy about that. In fact, it took less than 24 hours for my sinuses to recover. Good shit, man!
Now let me explain why I'm an ass to him. Basically he's a friggin idiot! He and I have been playing for about 8 years now & I think he's been on time maybe 10 times during that whole period! I'm not even exaggerating. It's like impossible for him to get from point A to point B without doing a bunch of bullshit in between. Now, most of the stops that are done in between could all be done in one shot, but that's rarely how it goes because his dumb ass forgets and either has to go back or find another place. And he whines a lot (I'm talking much more than I do!). He'll FINALLY get here, then start complaining about some shit that I have nothing to do with & I'm thinking "shut the fuck up already & let's get this shit started!!". Oh, and just one more thing I have to bring up that happened this weekend with him. He is the only mother fucker I know that can make a wrong turn & not realize until he's 6 miles off track...USING A GPS SYSTEM!!! How the fuck do you get that far off your intended route while using a working goddamn GPS??? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGGH!!! *Deep breaths* Needless to say, the only reason I still hook up with him is because of the coke. It's pathetic. I know.
Anyway, so here I am almost fully recovered & preparing myself for the return of the aunt & uncle. I'm dreading this. I have to tell them that I quit, then that I'm thinking of moving back to Chicago. This will undoubtedly cause an uproar with my family. They just came back from FL and DID visit my mom and dad. I would find it surprising if a conversation did not come up about my cocaine use. If my aunt did not know how bad it had gotten in Chicago, she will know now. M.U. keeps telling me not to worry because I'm an adult & I can do whatever I want. I know, but there is still a tremendous amount of pressure on me.
Of course, M.U. has her own reasons for wanting me to move back. She tells me she loves me every time she sees me & I know she does. Yea, I DO love her back, but I can't say it to her - at least not yet. I'm still scarred like a mother fucker from my previous relationship, and not to mention she shit M.U. herself did before our big break-up. I really do feel like she actually "gets" me though. I can't say that about many people at all. I know I'm virtually impossible to deal with & she deals anyway. She's a sweet girl, but can be a real irrational cunt when she's pissed. I guess we all can. I just don't want to go back there and get myself into the same situation that I worked so hard to get away from. If there was something that changed, I would be less hesitant, but I can't think of much that has. If N.S. is still in the picture (which he will be), it's going to be very difficult to keep that from happening again, unless I occupy myself with other stuff. That's the only thing that may be able to save me. If I work & start school up there, that may be the key. Roll on, roller-fucking-coaster!

Vomit-Fest Puts Me to the Test

This has been a very strange week. On Sunday night, I decided that I did not want to wait any longer, so I started looking online again for partiers in the area. And, who did I see that was online? NS. Within about 40 seconds of chatting, we decided that we should hook up that very night. I told him I'd pay for the motel room if he got more shit. I was certainly very excited about this, so I got the room about 4 hours before he was to arrive. He actually got there before I expected (which is extremely rare for him). By the time he got there, I was fiending something fierce! The first line he made was huge & I vacuumed it up as usual. Well, it was the same thing over again. The first couple of hours were pretty kickass, then towards the end, I kept trying to chase the high by doing more. This time, something happened that freaked me out. I actually got so fucked up that I could barely move. I just laid there on the bed & asked him to bring another line (thinking for some stupid reason that it would help). I did another & it did nothing. I started feeling really weird & I could hear myself starting to talk incoherently. After about 10 minutes of that, I started to feel something that felt like nausea, but I was not sure if that's what it was. Well, about 2 minutes after that, my theory proved to be right. I started throwing up. It took me so much by surprise that I did not make it to the toilet in time. I threw up 6 or 7 times, then I could not even get up. I had to crawl to the bed because I had no balance & could not see straight at all. After that, I just laid there with my hands over my face while I gasped. I honestly don't know if I was trying to cry or trying not to, but it came out as gasps, lol. I can't remember ever being that fucked up. When there's still shit left and I don't use it, you KNOW I'm fucked up as hell! I have to be grateful that I really was not in much pain though - physically anyway. Meanwhile, another set of events were starting to unfold at the home front.
My uncle has been having pretty severe back pain lately and has been given strong pain killers. They also want to do some tests on him tomorrow (which is the day they are supposed to leave). They still planned on taking the trip - only they would wait after he got the tests done. However, this morning my aunt began having really bad migraines which subsided by the time we ate dinner...or so we thought. I guess the gods felt that I had not experienced enough vomit this week. After eating, she drank some water that was apparently too cold, and it set off the migraine symptoms with a vengeance. I saw her start to run to the bathroom, as my mind flashed back to Sunday night. She did not make it either, and guess who was going to have to clean up...ding-ding-ding! Bingo! Luckily I'm pretty used to this sort of stuff because of my job, so it was not that big of a deal.
So, they've decided to cancel their trip. I'm not sure if I should feel glad that I ended up partying early or not. Either way, I'm kind of disappointed. Partying aside, I was just looking to have the place to myself for a week. That would have been pretty cool. But, I'm a beggar at this point, so I cannot be a chooser. And, that's definitely not a good combination of illnesses to have on a long road trip.
I was also informed that the sale of the property in FL is probably not going to happen. I guess I've been sort of naive about the situation (I've never done this before), but my realtor set me straight. The guy who is supposed to be the buyer has gotten turned down 3 times by the banks already for a loan. Well, I guess in Real-Estate-World, it's pretty much an in-vain effort if you are turned down even once. I had a hell of a good deal too on the place I was going to buy. Oh well, fuck it. Everything happens for a reason, right?
I could not help but notice, once again, that as soon as my mindset went back into "druggie" mode, everything just seemed to start going wrong again. Maybe I'm just being superstitious, but then again, maybe there's something to this shit. I'm more towards believing that there is. The same exact goddamn thing happened in FL.
I've also noticed that, just from that one day binge, my body is not responding the same. My vision is still kind of weird, I'm very tired, my mind is slow & I cannot work out as vigorously as I've been lately (trust me - I tried!). I think I actually started to like myself again before Sunday night. I think I like that feeling. I want more of it. But can I resist next time?

Die, insomnia, die!

I got here to my aunt's on Saturday night. I partied for the "last" time on Friday with MU. NS was already calling me as I was driving down. So, I've been clean for 4 days so far. Before I left, I ordered my favourite drug-test-buster, the "Number One" for urine tests. I've used them 3 times already, and they are flawless. I'll even give them a plug: http://www.gonumber1.com
I still don't know for sure that I'm going to apply for a job yet because I'm still finding out information about Australia. If I end up going, I'm going to make it as soon as possible. I have to get out of this limbo state - I can't stand it.
I'm not going to lie - I have been thinking about coke every day since I've been here. I can't sleep worth shit, which makes it even worse somehow. It's very easy to get bored down here & I'm feeling the effects. Boredom, as any drug addict trying to quit knows, is not good for staying clean. That's another reason this limbo shit is driving me nuts.
My behaviour is definitely revealing the part of me that does not want to quit. I'm already making plans to see a friend (who is struggling to quit too) at the end of the month. She lives 5 hours away from Chicago, so now she's only like 2 hours away. We'll call her "CE". She's a pretty cool stoner chic that I met on line a few years ago. In my head I'm thinking "I just need to cut down a lot on my skiing and not necessarily quit altogether". It will definitely be much harder to use while I'm here. My family has got a close eye on me, now that the word has gotten out.
I'm going to try and get back to sleep. Wish me luck.

Believe me you - I KNOW that ignorance is bliss!

This weekend was another binge. Friday with MU and Saturday with NS. Even though I knew that it would be better to wait a day in between, I decided to go two day in a row anyway. I did not even really have a good time on the second night, which was what I was afraid of. And trust me, I tried! It was actually more of a situation where my body was just too tired to keep up with my high-ass brain. I guess I figured that this would be the last weekend I'd be doing anything for a while. Of course, you never know.
Last night was kind of weird. I was bored, so I decided to smoke some herb & surf YouTube. I watched a couple news segments from when real journalism was still in existence. They dealt with murders that were covered up as suicides. It set me back into my truth-seeking mindset. I was reminded again about how this world is run & how we're constantly fed all these bullshit lies about what's really going on. Now I'm depressed again & I'm trying to get back into my "ignorant state". Yes, I purposely make myself ignorant because I'm so sick of being depressed. If we dig too deep, we find that what we are being told is a bunch of bullshit. I tend to dig deep because I was taught never to trust authority. I hate to be among the ignoramuses, but I've learned that it's the only way to keep what's left of my sanity. I'm not sure what's worse: being truly ignorant, or purposefully being ignorant!

Viral Spiral

It didn't take much for me to convince myself it was a good idea to go out and get fucked up again. I had no plans to do anything last night, but NS called and offered. I didn't hesitate. The stuff he had was pretty good. It's very rare that I can't walk straight due to a coke high, but last night, that was the case. Still, no sinus pain or severe headache afterward. I wish I could say the same about guilt though.
I still have not called my aunt. I'm surprised she has not tried to call me. My mom was supposed to come up and bring me some of my belongings on Tuesday, but that is probably not going to happen until next week now due to weather & overbooked flights. I know that the longer I stay here, the more I'm just going to keep on doing the same shit.
I've been thinking a lot lately about the latent effects of all of this shit & it scares me. I want to keep my health. That's the one thing that I've always had & before I got into the druggie lifestyle, my health was above average. I want to get back to that level again.
Feelings of hopelessness are creeping back into my head. I have to fight them hard because they do not help things one bit.

The Great Escape - Part II

It's very true that tragedy brings people closer together. It has been very apparent in my situation here, and is especially true of family, of course. Although my dad claims that he only read a couple pages of my journal, I have my suspicions. Shit, if I had someones intimate details and I had already read some, I'd more than likely read more myself! Anyway, he commented tonight about how it's amazing how similar we are. It's very true. I still sense a great deal of sadness and worry in his voice. I hate to hear him like that. I'm not surprised that he's not angry though. Of all people, I know he understands my situation (which is probably why he's so worried).
On the other hand, I AM surprised that The Mom is not angry. Maybe she's just hiding it - I don't know. Either way, she has been very supportive as well.
I know my brother is very concerned too. He actually went through rehab, so he knows firsthand. I know he means well, but I did get kind of annoyed when he kept telling me what hard drugs to do you. I already know that stuff. I know he's just trying to help though.
I spent last week downstate at my aunt's place. I decided that it would be a good idea for my cousin and I to take a trip. Her husband has filed for divorce, but they are still living together, so getting away was good. It took a lot of mental battling, but I actually resisted the temptation to cancel the trip. MU was out of town, so I had the place to myself AND I was offered a lot of free coke that weekend. At least I know I'm not COMPLETELY controlled by my addiction. I did, however, do it when I got back.
Being here, as predicted, has got me back on the "twice-a-week minimum" program. Not good. I know I need to get out of here and find something to take up my time. I've got idle hands. You know how that shit goes.
I actually only planned to stay here for a few days, but between the hurricanes and the addiction, I've been pretty much "trapped" here again. I only brought enough clothes for 4 days, and I have nothing meant for cool weather, which we are starting to have now. Good thing I brought all my winter shit to Florida!
Anyway, while I was down at my aunt's, she was very persistent about trying to convince me to move down there and go to school. She said I could stay there and live rent free and not even have to pay for food if I just wanted to go to school full-time and not work. Something tells me that my dad had a talk with her! I do think that is a good idea &, like she kept saying - a chance like this is not going to come my way again. She's right.
I've pretty much made the decision to do it, but I have to admit I'm scared as shit. It's been so long since I've been in school, and I AM still concerned that my demons will follow and continue to torment me. In fact, I'm sure of that. I just need to be stronger and focus my energy on other things.

Back on the web at last...for now

Yes, with a whopping TWO whole Internet services to choose from, we've gone with slightly less incompetent Comcast. AT&T wins the all-time incompetence award. Their customer service is simply non-existent. Ok, I know - what else is new?

Well, the reaction from my family has been one more of sadness and worry rather than anger. That's a good thing. I'm actually really tired right now, so I'm going to elaborate later. I just wanted to let people know I'm still alive and not in rehab.