The week before last was the last time I'll probably ever see Idiot again - or at least have sex. The following week, I received a phone call from him that nobody wants to ever get. He asked "do you have a moment", which usually means it's something actually serious. It was. He told me that he had just gotten back from his re-test, which had confirmed that he has HIV. I was terrified, but at the same time, not surprised. I stayed on the phone a couple more minutes, then told him I was going to go. It's something I've mentally prepared myself for for a long time actually, but I don't think any amount of mental conditioning could prepare you for that completely. My whole life flashed before me & it actually surprised me that I felt quite accomplished. I honestly feel that if my time to go is approaching fast, I'm okay with it. Shit, I've experienced more in a decade of my life than most people ever experience. I've defeated monsters that many people never defeat. To a bohemian like myself, experience is everything.
Needless to say, I went to get tested the next day. The test guy asked me what I was going to do if I was diagnosed as positive. I told him that I was okay with it because we are all going to die someday from something. He did not look very happy to hear that, but he knew it was the truth, lol. It still amazes me how people in our culture live in complete denial of the fact of death. It's no wonder that we hide all the old people away like they don't exist.
Anyway, to my amazement, he told me that the test result would be ready in about 20 minutes! They don't need blood tests anymore. It's a "swab" test, where they take a swab & have you run it along your gums & that's it.
So, I waited for the test to come back as a frantically continued writing in my paper journal. When he came back, I was cool, calm & collected. I went back in the patient room where he had the swab attached to the indicator device, which he turned towards me so I could see. I could tell that there were two horizontal red lines that could possibly appear on the indicator. The one that showed up on my test was the top one. I had no idea what that meant, but he told me after about 2 seconds..."you're negative".
I must admit that it was a huge relief, but not a complete relief. I knew that this test was not likely to indicate weather I got the disease from Idiot last time we hooked up. This one just showed that I did not have anything prior to our last "engagement". I said to the social worker, "Well, that's good, but it's not conclusive, right? I imagine that I still need to take another test in a few weeks(?)". He confirmed this & said that I need to check back with them in three weeks. It still worries me, of course.
But, one of the things that I've found to have me satisfied with my life is the fact that I've been able to record these songs. Many people say they love the songs & just as many say I suck. That's the music industry for ya. I'd be lying if I said that I don't care, but I don't care as much anymore. I just care about leaving the world with SOMETHING after I'm long gone - even if only one person listens to it.
So, even if my fate is still uncertain, I must keep in mind that it's NEVER certain. For all I know, I could be killed before the re-test by a drunk driver. You just never know.
The worst part, by far has been the thought of me having to tell Squeaky. I'm not going to say anything if my next test is also negative, but if it's not, I will be claiming my spot in hell.
mementos mori
2 years ago
