Obsession

I feel friggin' great! I'm literally obsessed with this music project. Today, Squeaky went to work for 8 hours. I started working on stuff by the time she left & was still at it when she came back! During that time, I re-did the vocals on one song, then re-mastered it...THEN I recorded another song to it's completion! I'm talking all the instruments & vocals (okay, I DID finish the drums prior, but that's it). I'm very happy with my songs so far (and thanks for the compliment, Kimmy! :) ). I have not doubt that I will be able to make a living doing music now & it feels damn good. I know this because I have a conviction in my brain to not let anything stop me.
Oh, and as far as partying...I've kept the "once-a-week" plan & it's worked flawlessly. I feel completely in control & I do it now to have fun & not to get away from a miserable existence. I WANT to live my life now. I've got so much work to do & I'm loving it because it's what I love. Case closed!

My Own Personal Jeebus

I've finally decided that I'm going back to Chicago. I've had a long-ass time to think about shit between Squeaky & I, in fact, almost a year. I think I can forgive her (but NEVER forget) for our falling out & the things she did and said. She really does think the world of me for whatever reason. Even my aunt said that it would be foolish to let go of someone that loves me so much & actually "gets" me. Shit - I don't even get me most of the time! For a while, I was convinced that this was nothing but a suicide mission, but I honestly feel like I've grown strong enough to deal with my shit this time. I guess I needed actual proof that my problems will find me wherever I run to & that the only way to beat them is to stand up to them whenever & wherever they rear their ugly heads.
I'm not going up there without a plan either. Believe it or not, I've been making an effort to think things through. I cannot deny what I am & what my passion is and always will be. When I do, I feel dead. I died another death, so to speak, when I let my addiction take precedence over my music. Once again, I guess I needed proof that it would fuck me up that bad. I'm one stubborn ass mother fucker, lol! But I can use that stubbornness to my advantage now. There is only one I ultimately live for & that's music. It's a lifelong obsession. Music, to me, literally equals "God". There is no other reason to go on living without it. If I feel dead, then I might as well BE dead. Fuck that! Rock 'n' Roll has been in my blood ever since I can remember & I've inherited it from my father (who is an excellent musician & also encourages me). I know I have been given something very special & I'll be damned if I let it go to waste. For all I know, the music may never be heard until years after I die, and I'm okay with that. I'm happy to die trying. I'm just another human being who's mission happens to be of great importance as far as I can tell. I'm absolutely certain that love will win in the end. How do I know? Because I'm going to make damn sure of it!
And, no, this does not mean I will completely stop partying. Sex, (blank) & Rock 'n' Roll? I don't think so!!!