I've sunk into a level of depression I've not experienced in a long time. I cancelled my date with this new girl I've been seeing (mild attraction) because one of my exes (lots of attraction) called and said she was going to try and see me today for her birthday (coincidentally Labour Day). She's flaky as hell & I fully expect to be blown off, and so far my expectations appear to be well founded. Thinking ahead, I stopped by an ATM on the way back from the gym for the possibility of hiring an escort. I met one a couple weeks ago who blew my mind. She was expensive, but easily the best I've ever had as far as call girls. I was so fucked up though when I met her that I could not get hard. I'm kinda hoping she's around tonight. Seems like all the others pale by comparison. Even if that does happen, or if I see one that's as appealing as is she, I don't know if I'm even going to call. I'm just so goddamn depressed, I'm not sure I'd even enjoy it much. I'm actually quite attractive & I shouldn't have to be doing this, but I do. Maybe it's the thrill. Who the fuck knows.
I've not reached the point of suicidal thoughts, but I feel like I'm dancing along that edge. I need some hope. I need my fucking Prozac!!
I love cocaine and sex. There is only one feeling as powerful as that combination, and that is true love and sex (which I've lost several times by now). Ironically, I've lost the latter due to the former. Oh well, fuck it.