But then, at approximately 7:15pm (right about the time X usually gets coke), my MAGIC JACK phone rings! Shit!!! I KNEW it was him without even looking. My body instantly felt very cold and the acids in my stomach burned my GI tract. I paced around, turned up the heat, and paced around some more. I started rationalizing in my head: "Maybe it's NOT that bad", "Maybe I DON'T really want to stop, as my shrink has suggested", "Maybe I AM gay", "Maybe just this one last time"...yea, I've told myself that one before. FUCK!!!
After about 5 minutes, I checked the voice mail. It was as if I had never sent him that email. "Hey, just wondering if you're around. Give me a call". About 5 minutes later, I did call. He answered just as nonchalantly. He started telling me he wanted to get together but that he was broke and didn't know if he could get much coke, and was about to give "The Man" a call. I told him to find out what was going on, then call me back.
When he called back, he said that The Man was not going to be around that night and if I could do something the next day. I told him no. Then he said he could probably scrape up enough for a little party from empty bags. I told him no. Then he said we could just try next week.
After I hung up, I considered calling my dealer, but decided it was just too much damn effort.
I'm now really starting to think that I really don't WANT to stop. What in the FUCK am I supposed to do??? On top of this, he's got fucking HIV, and that's STILL not enough to fucking stop me??? WTF is wrong with me???
1 comment:
Can't believe I have found someone else recently gone through the same thing I have been.....think the lack of funds to score was why someone lost his rag with me and kicked me out in the rain two weeks ago. This was after searching the bar under bed etc kneeling over searching for hidden bags or traces...it does get absurd. He has texted back but not invited me back....don't know if it's because he has no money and knows I can't fund it all myself...or if he is playing games or getting high with other people or what. Meanwhile I am on the pc alone with a bag feeling like I could do with some warmth and feeling frustrated. And I taken risks with this guy as well as he won't use rubbers....people are thinking I must be a total loon. My habits increased since I been seeing him.....but I choose to go along for the ride. If he only wants me to shag and get high with then....I am trying to recall if we have ever been normal together. Oh yes, once. But we were both pissed out of our heads cos we could not score. I laugh at myself but know there is a dark side to this and wonder why I play with fire.
All the best to you, hon. I understand x
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