Life of illusion

Last night was our first out-of-state gig. It went pretty well, especially compared to our last one. Yet, again, we ended up playing to a handful of people. They were dancing though, and we got compliments. As usual, the venue ripped us off by telling us one thing and doing another. We didn't even get enough to cover our fuel costs.
We're a good band, and I definitely think we can survive by doing this, but I still question whether I really want to any more. Is it good music? Yes, in fact it's above average. But is it groundbreaking or the stuff of legends? I doubt it.
Perhaps I am getting old and waning something else over this. But I think it's the very fact that I have not been able to FIND what I want due to my lifestyle. I want to have a special someone for the rest of my life and possibly raise a kid or two...yea, one is plenty. But I also have developed this liking for being a coke whore. The two are simply not compatible, which is why my relationships always eventually fail. The band is a shield from that pain. It's the "replacement". But then again, when I'm NOT in a band, I miss it. I'm rambling. I need to go back to sleep.

Please make it stop

I need to stop this train wreck that my life has turned into. I'm getting too old for this, and I desperately want to believe in something more than just this. I had to break too many hearts, including my own because of the stupid shit I do. It may have worked out with AJ had it not been for that shit. I love her SO much, and it kills me to know that it can never work out because of what has already happened between us. The damage is done. It's the same goddamn thing with my ex fiance. It would have definitely worked with her, but once again, my bullshit got in the way.

I got way fucked up last night again with the notorious Mr. X. Once again, neither of us even had an orgasm, so he kinda just took off. I laid in bed pretty much paralyzed from complete exhaustion. Then came the crash. Not the worst I've ever had, but it was still a bad one. I know when it's gotten really bad when I start to lose my balance, which happened last night. After about an hour of laying there wishing I could just sleep, I started breaking out in a cold sweat and feeling very nauseous. After about 2 hours of this torture, I laid in bed looking like I had taken a shower. Amazingly, I was able to resist vomiting.

We have a show this weekend, and I don't want to even do it. I've been losing interest. There is some fire left, but nothing like before. I've been considering quitting the band and just going back home with my tail between my legs. DS keeps reminding me how awesome it is to be out there rockin all over and having chicks all over us. I'm not denying that it's a really good feeling, but it's not ultimately what I want. I want a "love of my life". Shit, I've HAD a few of them, but have had to let them go. It might really be over this time. I've not made an official decision yet, but it's what I've been feeling lately. DS will be pissed, but I can't force this. Also, even if the fire comes back full-force, it's not enough for it to just come back for a while and then leave me high and dry again for months. That's not enough for a sustained effort, which is essential for what we are trying to do.

I really miss having my little family that I had with AJ and her daughter. I swore I would never let my bullshit fuck up another promising relationship. But, here we go again. God help me.

Misery

I thought I had shaken it off last week, but apparently not. I've been in a pretty deep depression lately and I'm not recovering as quickly as I've learned to lately.
I still miss the hell out of AJ & think about her constantly, but I know for sure it will never work now. I'm also feeling very much alone up here in this town. DS has become less friendly to me lately and I'm not sure why. He is down as well because the band situation feels like it's grinding along very slowly, which of course affects me too. Then there's my toe. I've gone for a run exactly twice sine I moved up here because my toe still hurts from when I kicked my garbage can (steel) after one of the last incidents with AJ. I've not been able to do any cardio stuff because of it and that was one of my biggest defense strategies against my depression. I did join a health club finally, so at least I'm doing some exercise, which helps some. DS is really the only person I know up here, and in my state I'm not really in a mindset to meet new people.
I've been smoking LOTS of weed, mostly to escape my depression and anger. I'll be okay, but I'm a bit uneasy about how long it's taking me to get out of this particular funk. Oh yea, and to top things off today, my dog vomited all over my car 10 seconds before I opened the door to let him out. Awesome.
I've still been seeing LH (from work) at least once a week. She's trying really hard to build a serious relationship with me, but I just can't do it because I'm just not THAT into her AND I'm still very much in love with AJ.
I'm still seeing Mr. X a few times a month and we do our little binges. It seems like even that is getting old lately. Maybe that's a good thing.
There's a girl who is a social worker at one of the places we go to at work that I'm gaga over. Her face and voice are both very similar to a beautiful girl that I went out with in college. I keep thinking "why put another girl through the pain of dealing with me?". Well, an LTR is a longing that I have and will probably never lose. I'm SO sick of being alone. Really really sick of it.

The Pain Of The Bi Closet

Any bisexual guy must be familiar with this story. I love that I'm bi, and I've know this since I was a child. As a child, I was very shy and it was very hard for me to make friends (and still is). Most of the male friends I've made in life have been straight and even homophobic. Coming out to them would drastically change the friendship and very possibly end it ultimately. I think it would be easier if I were gay, but I'm definitely NOT. I love women as well. Always have and always will. In fact, I prefer love relationships with women.
I feel that some day I'm just going to come out and say "fuck you" to all who have a problem with it. I really wish I had the balls at this point, and I may grow them soon! I'm just terrorized by the idea of losing friends I've known for ages, and the general public rejection.