Operation Diamond Vision

Another weekend, another binge. After the last one, I started formulating this plan to rid myself of this shit once and for all. I have the basic elements mapped out, but still need some specifics. The plan should work in theory, but I know that the underlying cause is psychological, so some sort of therapy will more than likely be part of it.

Years ago, while researching various forms of Buddhism, I came across a form called "Diamond Way". One thing that stuck with me was the metaphor of using a diamond as the way your mind should be seeing the world. The diamond vision is one that is not distorted by anything (including drugs) and enables you to see the world just as it is. That's why I'm naming this operation as such. This battle has been going on for far too long and it is going to kill me if I don't defeat it very soon. My father said to me a couple of years ago that drugs impair your ability to make decisions, even when you're not high at the moment. I have found this to be true. Shit, 15 years ago I would have NEVER imagined I would be an unmarried sex-crazed lonely drug addict. Fucking never!

I'm determined to win this bloody battle. I will not go down like this. No fucking way!

God Help Me

I don't really feel like blogging, but I just wanted to report my last "incident". I went into Chicago Saturday night for what I thought was going to be a date. As it turns out, the girl I went to meet just wanted me to swing by for a few minutes, and had plans with a friend later. Whatever. So, what does my dumbass do? I call Mr. X (who I knew had to work in the morning) and asked if he could pick me up a package. He said he could. About 5min later, I called and asked if he could get me two instead. He did. I went to pick it up and we ended up fucking around for a bit, then I headed to the baths. Long story short: Lots of oral sex and coke until my body was to tired to go on. Incredibly, I had only gone through most of ONE package. I drove 70 miles back home, then pretty much watched porn and did the rest of the coke for the next 24 hours.

Needless to say, I feel like shit now. I've spent $500 on coke this month. That's the most ever. I don't want this shit anymore. I want this to be the last time. I no longer have enough money for a security deposit for my new place. I spent it because I knew that I could sell my music gear and get the cash back. Still, that's bullshit. I prayed to God last night to please help me. I want to be done.

Fuck, Fuck, and Away!

So, of course, the hooker was not enough for my sex-crazed ass this weekend so naturally, I hooked up with X. We partied for a few hours and apparently I turned him on so much (I WAS in an extra slutty mood, lol) that he came before he wanted to. Afterwards, he was insistent on leaving and said he didn't think he could go again. Incredibly, we had only gone through one of the bags of coke. I asked him if he could just wait for a little while to see if he was really done. That lasted about 10 minutes before he decided he was leaving for sure. I was disappointed, but he said he would leave me the other bag for myself so I could keep going with someone else if I wanted...SCORE!

He said he was just going to take a few lines for himself, which i discovered later was about half of the bag...FUCK. Anyway, I did end up hooking up with another dude later, but by that time I was so damn tired, I could barely do anything. I apologized to him and told him I'd make it up to him next time. I DID make him cum, but it just wasn't very exciting. He was cool about it though.

I've gotten better at dealing with the crash afterwards. Last night, I just made sure I kept thinking about sex the entire time (otherwise depressing thoughts tend to sink in). It worked for the most part. Still, later on, I wondered when this shit is going to end if ever. I wondered if this is how I'm going to die. I guess I'm having some fun at least. Still lonely as fuck though. I don't know if that will change. That's the thing that bothers me the most.

In Love with a Hooker

I've been looking for a sweet young man-pleaser lately. Today, I found one. She said she was nineteen & probably could have been. Most of these whores have an attitude and fucking them is like fucking a lifeless sex doll. This one was sweet and comfortable to be around. I spent half hour looking for her because she told me she was at a Super 8 motel when she meant to tell me Motel 6. Long straight black hair, fair & soft skin & body, and blue eyes that hypnotize. I could swear she was totally turned on two because she was pretty wet. I kissed her all over her tits and face and ran my fingers through her gorgeous, sweet scented hair. She even sucked my balls for me, laid next to me and talked and kissed me on the lips. She was taller than I expected, but that's nothing that her attitude didn't make up for tenfold. She was probably just THAT good, but she made me feel like I had a girlfriend for a little bit. Either way, she really made my day!