Fuck, Fuck, and Away!

So, of course, the hooker was not enough for my sex-crazed ass this weekend so naturally, I hooked up with X. We partied for a few hours and apparently I turned him on so much (I WAS in an extra slutty mood, lol) that he came before he wanted to. Afterwards, he was insistent on leaving and said he didn't think he could go again. Incredibly, we had only gone through one of the bags of coke. I asked him if he could just wait for a little while to see if he was really done. That lasted about 10 minutes before he decided he was leaving for sure. I was disappointed, but he said he would leave me the other bag for myself so I could keep going with someone else if I wanted...SCORE!

He said he was just going to take a few lines for himself, which i discovered later was about half of the bag...FUCK. Anyway, I did end up hooking up with another dude later, but by that time I was so damn tired, I could barely do anything. I apologized to him and told him I'd make it up to him next time. I DID make him cum, but it just wasn't very exciting. He was cool about it though.

I've gotten better at dealing with the crash afterwards. Last night, I just made sure I kept thinking about sex the entire time (otherwise depressing thoughts tend to sink in). It worked for the most part. Still, later on, I wondered when this shit is going to end if ever. I wondered if this is how I'm going to die. I guess I'm having some fun at least. Still lonely as fuck though. I don't know if that will change. That's the thing that bothers me the most.

Fucking Tea Fuck

I'm coming down from my post-binge recovery smoke, so I figured I'd write some on here and make some Chamomile tea. Was very excited to add honey and start drinking it, so in a hurry I grabbed the bottle and started squeezing. About a teaspoon into it, to my horror, I realized I wasn't holding honey at all. I was squeezing a bottle of Eggo brand butter-flavored pancake syrup. Needless to say, the tea is not as good as I imagined it to be before the Eggo Syrup Incident, but at least it wasn't Draino or something, I guess. Wow, that was a really long explanation! I'm still kinda stoned so that's okay.

Where was I...ah, yes, I was going to tell of yesterday's festivities...

Waiting for the highly anticipated sex & drugs binge was excruciating! And now I can't seem to turn of this bold or italic bullshit or get my font back to goddamn normal! FUCK!! Fuck it, I guess I'm stuck with this until I'm done. Can you believe this shit?? Fuck it.

ANYFUCKINGWAY, in order to get the blow, I had to leave Shitforbrains (Mr.X) in charge of getting it because he's the only fucker I know with a connection besided MU and she would not call the guy because she had not talked to him in years. This font is really fucking annoying me and is prompting me to write the word "fuck" (and variations of the word) way more that I would normally. I don't even think I'm using the right word..."font"...I'm trying to describe the ugly ass letters that I'm now forced to write with instead of what I started out with.

So, I'm all excited about finally hooking up with MU again, so i go all out and get 3 large packages. It was not cheap. I could not pick it up from him until Saturday night, so I had him get in Friday night so that I knew I had it for sure. So I talk to him Saturday morning and he tells me he is going to a protest that's like 3 hours away, but that he would be back at night so I could grab it. While he is on his way to the protest, he informs me that he brought the shit with him! WHY? Why the fuck would anyone do that? Incredibly, nothing happened and he got it back safely.

I had a little time to wait for MU to get off work, so I decided to stick around and play with Mr. X for a couple hours (using his own coke, of course, lol). 3 hours later, I headed to MU's.

When I got there, she was dressed in loose jeans and a t-shirt...so typical! At least she appeared to have done some makeup stuff. She was really nervous at first, but since I was already buzzing, I went into it pretty quick.

Right from the start, there was something missing. It didn't feel like before...definitely not as intense. There were some moments, but not like how it used to be. That's not to say we didn't have fun. I guess I had expected this massive explosion of sexual energy that just didn't happen. It occurred to me that maybe I'm just getting old. She too. After about 5 hours or so, she said she just could not go on because she was exhausted and her stomach hurt. I was exhausted too, so I didn't mind so much...but I had to cum.

After a couple hours of rest, I got up to see if she could keep going for a bit, but she was just not well. So what did my dumbass do? I went to the sex club for another few hours and did the other bag of shit.

Needless to say, I feel like shit right now, but not as bad as it could have been. I'm actually kind of glad that my thing with MU did not go as well. This way it's not such a big temptation for me to want to do it again. I've got to lay down...FUCK!

Viral Spiral

It didn't take much for me to convince myself it was a good idea to go out and get fucked up again. I had no plans to do anything last night, but NS called and offered. I didn't hesitate. The stuff he had was pretty good. It's very rare that I can't walk straight due to a coke high, but last night, that was the case. Still, no sinus pain or severe headache afterward. I wish I could say the same about guilt though.
I still have not called my aunt. I'm surprised she has not tried to call me. My mom was supposed to come up and bring me some of my belongings on Tuesday, but that is probably not going to happen until next week now due to weather & overbooked flights. I know that the longer I stay here, the more I'm just going to keep on doing the same shit.
I've been thinking a lot lately about the latent effects of all of this shit & it scares me. I want to keep my health. That's the one thing that I've always had & before I got into the druggie lifestyle, my health was above average. I want to get back to that level again.
Feelings of hopelessness are creeping back into my head. I have to fight them hard because they do not help things one bit.