The Feel of Shit

I don't even feel like writing but, again, I feel the need to at least make my secret life known to SOMEBODY.

Once again I'm all fucked up from this weekend's binge. I bought $300 worth this time on top of what X gets. I actually started out by going to see MU first, then X, then watched a bunch of porn. It's totally out of fucking control. And, it's become what I look forward to on the weekends. I know this is not normal and I know it's destroying me. I did that shit until my nose bled & then some. The things I do are disgusting and make me disgusted with myself.

Someone commented on my last post that I should check out AA. I tried NarcAnon when I was down in FL and it did not seem like it was going to work for me. I know there is an AA meeting place literally 2 blocks from here, so it wouldn't hurt to check it out. I've heard nothing but good things about them.

I'm seeing my therapist for the first time tomorrow. I really hope he's not a tool. He called me last week to tell me (in a less-than enthused voice) that he had been assigned to me and was calling to set up an appointment. Why the fuck would you become a therapist...ok I'll stop. Maybe...hopefully...he was just having a bad day or something.

I've not heard a word from AJ since she left on vacation. I'm thinking she may have started that last argument on purpose. I need to just let her go...I think.