Fucking Ape

So before my weekend began, I decided to check my email account (the one I sent X the letter from). To my surprise, there was a reply, but not from him. It was an error reply telling me that the recipient could not be reached at that address. Well, that explains why X just went about things as if nothing had happened! I've sent him similar emails before, so maybe he just decided to block ME on that account. "Fucking ape", as my cousin used to say.

Needless to say, I hooked up with him on Friday again. It was not a long session. He claimed he had to leave early due to work the next morning, so we didn't do that much blow. I was actually well enough on Sunday to go to the gym and do a full workout (weights and cardio).

Nonetheless, I'm depressed as fuck again. What the fuck am I going to tell my shrink? Last time we had a session, he talked about how maybe he was not the right therapist for me due to the lack of progress. He's right. What the hell am i supposed to talk about on Wednesday? How I failed to resist again? I'm considering cancelling or just giving up therapy all together.

In the meantime, the girl I was dating became pretty upset about me not pursuing her any further. I feel bad about it. I'm back to being lonely as hell on top of miserable. Great.

Magic Jackass, Bloody Sunday

The weekend started out well, and remained well until Sunday night. Friday, I went out on a third date with someone, which went okay. Saturday was my cousin's birthday party, which was basically a big bong smoking party, lol! Sunday was going great. I cooked a new recipe, which turned out decently, organized, cleaned, then played some God of War II.

But then, at approximately 7:15pm (right about the time X usually gets coke), my MAGIC JACK phone rings! Shit!!! I KNEW it was him without even looking. My body instantly felt very cold and the acids in my stomach burned my GI tract. I paced around, turned up the heat, and paced around some more. I started rationalizing in my head: "Maybe it's NOT that bad", "Maybe I DON'T really want to stop, as my shrink has suggested", "Maybe I AM gay", "Maybe just this one last time"...yea, I've told myself that one before. FUCK!!!

After about 5 minutes, I checked the voice mail. It was as if I had never sent him that email. "Hey, just wondering if you're around. Give me a call". About 5 minutes later, I did call. He answered just as nonchalantly. He started telling me he wanted to get together but that he was broke and didn't know if he could get much coke, and was about to give "The Man" a call. I told him to find out what was going on, then call me back.

When he called back, he said that The Man was not going to be around that night and if I could do something the next day. I told him no. Then he said he could probably scrape up enough for a little party from empty bags. I told him no. Then he said we could just try next week.

After I hung up, I considered calling my dealer, but decided it was just too much damn effort.

I'm now really starting to think that I really don't WANT to stop. What in the FUCK am I supposed to do??? On top of this, he's got fucking HIV, and that's STILL not enough to fucking stop me??? WTF is wrong with me???

Bring it.

So last weekend may be the last one that I mess around with X. I had promised my therapist that I was going to tell X that I no longer wanted to see him. Nonetheless I hooked up with him on Friday and was too fucking depressed to make it to my best friend's Halloween party & I felt horrible. This had an extra powerful effect due to the fact that the exact same damn thing had happened a couple weeks before with my other friend's going away party. What the hell kind of friend was I being?? What the hell kind of life was I living where all I looked forward to was getting fucked up and treated like shit by X, then being depressed for the rest of the weekend?

I have to give credit to my therapist who was really starting to "threaten" to start to be real hard on me. I'm not gonna lie. The dude kind of scares me! But that's probably a good thing. So, that pressure was on me as well.

So, on Monday, I sent X and email explaining how it was affecting me physically and mentally and that I had to be done with him. It took me a good couple of hours to hit the "send" button, but I did it. I didn't stop there though. I wanted to make sure that he could not contact me on my phone, so I had his number blocked. That's the first time I've ever done that. Of course, he could still get in touch through the email, but I've not checked that account since. It's been exactly a week.

It's on.