Yea, so right after I published my last blog entry, "Mr. Pharmacist" calls back (I had tried calling him a few hours earlier). I thought things would get better after I moved, but it looks like they are not. I immediately hauled ass over to the pickup spot and got another 2 bags. I put an ad out to sell my ass (it was still early evening, so my in my junky ass mind, it didn't matter that I had to be up at 5:30am the next morning)...did I really need to put that in parentheses? I'm not sure because...you guessed it...I'm stoned again! Anyways, only one person called and then said he was "going to think about it". Asshole. Needless to say, I had already started vacuuming out the first bag while watching porn and looking for men online. I found one guy that lives pretty close. I got there and he was exactly what turns me on, but he ended up kicking me out because he said I was too tweaked out. Asshole.
So, I walked my slutty ass back home and finished the second bag. I didn't get up in time for my important engagement (for real), but at least they let me reschedule. Assholes, hahaha!
In all seriousness though, this is fucking torture. I'm the REAL asshole here. I know I am, and I'm trying hard to change this shit, but I literally can't! I had 3 women I was talking to who wanted to go on dates with me after I moved. Now I don't even want to call any of them because I don't want to have to go through doing that to someone again. Being bisexual really fucking sucks. And being a coke-addicted bisexual is even worse! It's like I dream all the time about finally meeting the woman of my dreams, but I know damn well NOTHING is ever going to work unless I change this. And that's just the problem. My dark side makes me NOT want to change. My dark side wants me to indulge in earthly pleasures. It also wants to torture me as much as possible for the longest time possible.
I'm actually not surprised that I'm saying this, but lately I've been thinking more about maybe trying to have a relationship with a man. I'm getting hard just thinking about it. I hate to admit it, but it's the truth. I also get just as hard with women. I'm not gay. I'm truly a closeted bisexual. But I know that if I "come out" as they say, I would automatically be considered "gay" and most women would probably be out instantly.
I'm fucked.
mementos mori
2 years ago
1 comment:
Coming out is definitely going to limit the number of women interested. But would you not rather take the time to find a woman who doesn't mind? And maybe even digs it? A woman you could bring guys home to? Someone you can be yourself with and share your darkside with?
We are out here. I wish I had a guy like that. I have dated a few. My poor sweet husband tried to let a guy suck him off for my pleasure. But he just couldn't get into it. Just not something you could force. But it was really sweet and endearing that he tried. Now that's true love. Even if he does know how to REALLY infuriate me sometimes,lol.
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