Got two baggies of coke last night, then skipped along all the way to my Buddhist meeting I was going to MC. The meeting went well & even though I'm a coke head, it does me good and I'm absolutely determined to keep my practice up no matter what. I'm kind of learning to accept all my flaws as well as my good aspects. It's a minor change in the way I think, but I may be on to something!
I originally got the shit so I could put an ad out (which I did) and whore myself out while I tweek. By the time I finished all of the first one, nobody had responded so I decIided to just do the rest watching porn. I came after doing the last oversized line, so it was worth it at least, lol!
And I've been really considering being a sex worker regularly. I suspect that that would not be a step in the direction of "good", but I DO need the money BAD! This is the part of me that just wants to say "fuck you! I enjoy doing coke and I have it under a good deal of control. But I also know that if I do that, I will do more coke. Fuck. The forces of dark and light have come to a head. Makes you really wonder if this really IS our last year of existence. Fucking Mayans!
4 months ago