The Digression

I believe it was Friday night this happened.  I texted Mr. X & he told me that he did not have enough cash to get some shit & if he could cash the check I wrote for him last time (I told him to withhold due to a financial crisis).  I asked if he could cash the check, could we at least get one?  He said ok.
My roommate was home that night, so I decided we would just go to my old shitty place.  Luckily the LazyBoy was still there.  I was not expecting much from this night, but it was actually really fucking good!  Fuck, I just love doing that shit.  How can I possibly give something up that's just so goddamn pleasurable???
I meet with my friend, B yesterday.  It was nice to see her even though I was in low spirits (I've had a horrible horrible week with work, the move & classes).  She seemed disappointed when I told her that the plan I'm devising may very well involve me moving back to FL permanent stiley.
I can honestly say now that I've HAD IT with this city.  These motherfucker politrixians have RUINED my city.  Fuck them with a goddamn submarine.  Every goddamn penny is squeezed out of us and it's happening all over the fucking country.  (Yea, I'm going on an impromptu rant here) I'm sick of this shit and something has got to change NOW.  We're fucking slaves, and these war mongering rich fucks are committing PROFOUND level crimes on humanity and NEED to be put in prison...ALL of them!  They're only tightening their slimy fucking grip.  Ever notice how we're being constantly desensitized to warnings?  OMFG!  There's going to be FOG on the road this morning!!!  Better put the big red flashing exclamation point on the weather channel or on your computer screen!  You see this shit everywhere.  And then when someone like me comes along and tries to alarm people about what's really going on here, they blow it off and just call me what the TV tells them to call me, a "crazy conspiracy theorist".  To help with the distraction, they've got all of us on drugs.  Legal and otherwise.  We've been fucking duped, Planet Earth.  Facebook is more than ready to give all of our personal information away (I strongly suspect it was planned that way anyway).  They know everyone of our friends and family now already, where we live, what places we like, what our politics are, etc.  Now all the major websites (INCLUDING THIS ONE) are asking that your accounts be associated with your phone number.  Yup, but it's for MY own good & protection.  They're really concerned about me losing my password.  This is IT, people.  This battle is for our MINDS & SOULS.  NEVER back down!

Slave to The Dark Side

Yea, so right after I published my last blog entry, "Mr. Pharmacist" calls back (I had tried calling him a few hours earlier).  I thought things would get better after I moved, but it looks like they are not.  I immediately hauled ass over to the pickup spot and got another 2 bags.  I put an ad out to sell my ass (it was still early evening, so my in my junky ass mind, it didn't matter that I had to be up at 5:30am the next morning)...did I really need to put that in parentheses?  I'm not sure because...you guessed it...I'm stoned again!  Anyways, only one person called and then said he was "going to think about it".  Asshole.  Needless to say, I had already started vacuuming out the first bag while watching porn and looking for men online.  I found one guy that lives pretty close.  I got there and he was exactly what turns me on, but he ended up kicking me out because he said I was too tweaked out.  Asshole.
So, I walked my slutty ass back home and finished the second bag.  I didn't get up in time for my important engagement (for real), but at least they let me reschedule.  Assholes, hahaha!
In all seriousness though, this is fucking torture.  I'm the REAL asshole here.  I know I am, and I'm trying hard to change this shit, but I literally can't!  I had 3 women I was talking to who wanted to go on dates with me after I moved.  Now I don't even want to call any of them because I don't want to have to go through doing that to someone again.  Being bisexual really fucking sucks.  And being a coke-addicted bisexual is even worse!  It's like I dream all the time about finally meeting the woman of my dreams, but I know damn well NOTHING is ever going to work unless I change this.  And that's just the problem.  My dark side makes me NOT want to change.  My dark side wants me to indulge in earthly pleasures.  It also wants to torture me as much as possible for the longest time possible.
I'm actually not surprised that I'm saying this, but lately I've been thinking more about maybe trying to have a relationship with a man.  I'm getting hard just thinking about it.  I hate to admit it, but it's the truth.  I also get just as hard with women.  I'm not gay.  I'm truly a closeted bisexual.  But I know that if I "come out" as they say, I would automatically be considered "gay" and most women would probably be out instantly.
I'm fucked.

Stoned Loc

Got two baggies of coke last night, then skipped along all the way to my Buddhist meeting I was going to MC. The meeting went well & even though I'm a coke head, it does me good and I'm absolutely determined to keep my practice up no matter what.  I'm kind of learning to accept all my flaws as well as my good aspects.  It's a minor change in the way I think, but I may be on to something!
I originally got the shit so I could put an ad out (which I did) and whore myself out while I tweek.  By the time I finished all of the first one, nobody had responded so I decIided to just do the rest watching porn.  I came after doing the last oversized line, so it was worth it at least, lol!
And I've been really considering being a sex worker regularly.  I suspect that that would not be a step in the direction of "good", but I DO need the money BAD!  This is the part of me that just wants to say "fuck you!  I enjoy doing coke and I have it under a good deal of control. But I also know that if I do that, I will do more coke.  Fuck.  The forces of dark and light have come to a head.  Makes you really wonder if this really IS our last year of existence.  Fucking Mayans!
I'm stoned.

The Pool of Dual

Holy shit it's been a long time!  I've started a paper journal again, and since I'm in this situation what I'm going to do is post what I can't post on paper here.  I shall call this "The Book of Darkness" and my paper journal "The Book of Light", reflecting the duality of our existence.
What's going on?  Well, I just moved in to an awesome apartment.  This is changing my mood (and my dog's mood).  That old place was literally the second worst place I've ever lived in.  I can't believe I didn't kill myself while I was stuck there.  To make things worse at that place, the power company cut my electricity off and I was left there without electricity for a month and a half.  It sucked.  HOWEVER, I DID manage to um..."spike" some electricity from across the hall to use sometimes.  Yup, I'm pretty badass.
I moved in with a friend I've known from work for years.  He's a real good guy.  He's gay and was worried about me wanting to room with him, lol!  Little does he know...
I've not slowed down my binges.  I'm still doing everything I can to be able to keep it up.  I took a payday loan out to pay my security deposit.  That's really bad.  But what's worse is that I spent some of it on you know what.  I'm a fucked up badass.
HOWEVER, I think I've got it under control enough to know not to overdo it.  If I could just work as much as I did when I had overtime (they cut all my overtime), then I could just keep it just at this level, which part of me is okay with.  The other part of me says I'm just making excuses just like any other addict.  Once again, the duality of our existence.