Dumber than a lab rat.

One of the worst parts about my situation with Mr. X is that the urge often comes in VERY powerfully and suddenly. That's what happened last night. I scheduled myself off work today because we were supposed to play a gig last night, but it got moved to another date. So, I spent the day yesterday trying to come up with things to replace the bad habits I have. I had a few ideas that I set in motion, but then out of the blue came a sucker punch. I felt like I could have controlled it, but I didn't. does that mean I CAN'T control it?

I went to his place this time. Once again, the shit was not even that good. After we both got completely worn out, we both pretty much just collapsed on the bed and didn't even finish the last package. This time I didn't crash like I do normally, but I did break out in a pretty intense cold sweat for about an hour. My body felt paralyzed like it usually does after a binge. I can move if I want, but I don't. I lay pretty much motionless for long periods until I have to go to the bathroom. This time I could feel sweat running down my face and hear the drops hit the pillow. Surprisingly though, I was not in pain. But I was still so damn tired that I slept there for a few hours.

So, here I am again back home and feeling like shit. I'm seriously considering moving back to Chicago again. Nothing seems to be going right, and I KNOW that the main thing standing in the way is this Mr. X bullshit. SO many problems would be eliminated if it weren't for this situation. Oh, and I would like to thank those who have posted comments recently. It really helps somehow knowing that SOMEBODY is reading this. Maybe it's an ego thing or maybe it just makes me feel less alone, or both. It also motivates me to keep writing...yea, it definitely makes me feel less alone! Okay, back to bed.