Bi, Bi, Wisconsin

I'm at a complete loss. Being bisexual really sucks. I've toyed with the idea of "coming out", but I know if I do, I'll be automatically labeled as "gay" and forever ineligible to women. Friday was another binge night with Mr. X. I was seriously considering trying to have a relationship with a guy. I've thought about it before but never actually considered it. I guess the more I've been finding out about how women are, the less I want to be what they want. I used to have no clue what they wanted and now I'm quite aware. It's not their fault, it's instinct. I've even become pretty good at faking it, but you can't fake someone out all the time when you are in a full relationship with them.

I officially quit the band last week & I'm moving back to Chicago. I feel relief from not having to commit to the project any more. DS was actually really cool about it. He's the only one I've talked to, so I'm not sure what the other guys think. Everyone's equipment is still here, so I'll have to deal with them eventually. I'm just as nervous about moving back than I am excited. There are so many things that I miss, but of course a lot that I don't. One thing I will definitely miss is my current awesome apartment. The chances of me getting a place with laundry, dishwasher and garbage disposal in Chicago on my budget are slim to none. The chances of me getting a place this size are absolute zero, unless I move to the ghetto...yea, not happening.

Something inside me still compels me to try and find a compatible female companion, but I've tried so many times before, and telling myself that if I find the right one, I'll just get rid of Mr. X. I'm pretty sure I've accomplished the first part, but not getting rid of my deadly addiction.

Since I was 12 years old, I remember wanting to be a girl. If I had the money, I would have become one a long time ago. That would be nice.