There is a Light That Never Goes Out

Another weekend is coming to a close here & I guess you could say I've improved slightly. No, I did not resist temptation on Friday night, but the "coke" we got was some of the worst shit I've ever tried. Like it was such shit that I actually returned it to Mr. X and he gave me my $ back. On top of selling us a bunch of fake ass bullshit, the fucker wanted to charge us more for it because they were larger than normal packages. Yea, fucking great, so you're charging us more for a large package of fucking baking soda? Fuck you! I hope someone gets whacked for cutting it. Assholes.

Anyway, needless to say, I did not get too fucked up, so I was actually functional the next day.

I went to another NA meeting on Wednesday & actually got my white key chain this time (symbol of someone who is at least trying). Everyone clapped enthusiastically when I got up to get it. It was actually pretty cool! PN, the girl I mentioned last time gave me a big hug afterwards and said "thanks for coming!". It was quite nice.

On Saturday, I called her just to talk and get a little more familiar with her and the program itself. Turns out she was in a similar situation as I was in '08. She lived with an abusive girlfriend who had her hooked on heroin. I think she threw the girlfriend thing in there to make sure I knew she is a lesbian, lol! I'm actually glad she is, because right now I need a friend more than anything. There was another guy there that spoke to me for a bit before I left the last meeting who seems really cool. I swear, this may just be the thing I need to finally get the fuck out of this mess.

I also went back to the gym (finally) after two weeks of being too fucked up to do it. It feels good, although I still feel sluggish.

Destroy Everything You Touch

I'm starting this one out with a thanks to "outcast5555..." for reminding me about the NA meetings! In my warped mind, I thought I had written about that, but it turns out I did not.

I did attend my first Chicago meeting the week before last & it actually went really well. The particular meeting I went to advertised that it was GLBT friendly, so that was an immediate attraction. It also advertised that they held meetings by candle light, which was very much my taste. I got a few numbers afterwards, then my social anxiety kicked in full force, and I had to go. The girl sitting next to me was particularly very friendly to me and was encouraging me to participate (no sexual attraction...I think she was lesbian anyway). I'd LOVE to have someone like that as a sponsor. That's what I need. Someone who I click with, who is kind of in my face about things. Only certain people could pull that off with me. I don't think they let co-ed sponsorship happen anyway. Maybe they do, I dunno.

Fast forward to last weekend...I had what I believe to be the longest coke binge I've ever had. I fucking snorted for roughly 26 hours straight. I bought two large bags for myself, and after X left, I kept doing it and watching porn. Of course, as I'm doing it I use the excuse of chasing the elusive orgasm, but I'm really doing it as an excuse to do more fucking coke. Typical bullshit. Told myself I was only going to do a couple lines from one of the bags. Yea fucking right. I did 1.5 bags by myself in addition to what I did with X & the only reason I stopped was that it actually started making my headache worse (big surprise).

When Sunday rolled around, I made myself go out with the girl I've been dating because I blew her off 2 times in a row already because I was too fucked up to go out. Luckily, we had planned to go out for drinks! Yea, I was miserable the whole fucking time and had to cut it short. As an extra bonus, one of these pussy ass meter maids gave me a ticket! Motherfuckers! I HATE them! I hope people start shooting your fucking asses! I'm not kidding, I really wish that on them. Right in the fucking head. Apparently, you can't park for free even on fucking Sundays now. Pieces of shit...DIE! DIE! DIE!

Anyway, I saw my therapist today & he's quite worried about me. My eyes actually started to tear during the session. That does not happen much at all! He strongly recommended that I attend 4 NA meetings a week and find a sponsor. This is going to be hard, but it may work. I'm running out of ideas...and time.

A song has been stuck in my head since last night. "Destroy Everything You Touch" by Ladytron. Holy fucking shit, that describes me to the letter. They're singing about ME, lol! I don't have anyone close because I cut everyone off before they hurt me. It's my fucking theme song, and the video is amazing!

Massive Counterattack

Yea, so that same night I was so happy about finding out my new therapist and I were going to click, I must have REALLY pissed off evil because it came at me like a shit storm (Trailer Park Boys reference)!

I had a little over one bag of coke left and I decided I was going to "just do a couple lines" and watch some porn. As you guessed, one "a couple lines" turned into the entire fucking supply which lasted roughly 8 hours. And, as usual, I didn't even have a fucking orgasm.

Once I snorted the last line, I knew I was going to have to call off work and I just collapsed on my bed and actually began to cry (I don't do that often at all). My lack of control was so goddamn obvious, and I had let it defeat me once again. It was also obvious that it was starting to affect my work again (on top of the rest of my life). I felt completely alone and covered my face with my arms crossed over my eyes.

Of course I told myself that I was now determined to stop for good. I've told myself that before, but this felt different. I've told myself that before too. I'm still not giving up. I'm doing something about it.

Tonight, I'm attending my first Narcotics Anonymous meeting here in town. As I mentioned before, I tried them when I was down in FL with no success. I'm telling myself that I'm in a better position now since at least I don't have that fucking asshole to deal with when I get home. I have my own place now where I have some peace. And if this doesn't work, I will put myself into an outpatient rehab program. I HAVE to stop. I NEED my life back. Fuck this!

From "blah" to "baaaaah!"

These past couple of days have been kind of just "blah". I guess I should mention that I went to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting on Monday. I was pretty interesting, but not too much different than the group I went to in FL. There were a couple newbies there besides myself, so I guess I was a bit more comfortable in that sense. One thing that bugs me about the group is that they are of the mindset that the ONLY was is to completely stop doing ALL drugs, including your weekend drinks. I disagree with that philosophy. I think that to stop everything completely is going to intensify the crave even more. It's like those health food maniacs that never ever eat anything considered "junk food". I think it's actually healthier to have that bacon burger or ice cream every once in a while. Moderation is the key. That's my theory and I'm sticking to it, damn-it! Now if I could just get myself to do these things the way I say, I would be just fine. Anyway, I was close to going back today but decided not to. I think the main reason I wanted to go back was to connect with people. Hmmm...it WAS nice to connect. But I think I can find a group to connect with in a different context. Another thing that bugs me about their philosophy is that they consider anyone who has ever been addicted an addict for life. I think that there are more healthy ways of looking at it. I've often contemplated changing the name of this blog for that very reason. But, I still feel that my addiction is still the main theme here. Perhaps I'll change it when I feel differently. This paradoxical world we live in drives me mad. Sometimes it's nice to do drugs just to stop thinking already!
I've not cut things off with GH quite yet. I know I probably should have, but it's been nice to have someone to go out with. The intimacy is nice too, but I know it's just going to deepen things. We went out to eat for a while tonight, then went back to her place. She made it clear that she wanted to know me better before we had sex again. Yea, that usually works BEFORE the first time you have sex! Anyway, I'm not that worried about it because the attraction factor is still lacking somewhat for me. Trust me, I'm not looking to date a super-model. If fact, I'd probably never date a model because I would just be too annoyed with her. But there is a certain level of attraction that I think is necessary between two people for a long-term thing. I suppose I'm still comparing any girl I date to my ex-fiance. God, the feelings I still get when I think about her are not pleasant. After 4 years, I'm still hurting. I wonder if she is too. Probably not - she turned into a total cunt anyway. Fuck her!

Narcotics Anonymous

I went to my first NA meeting on Thursday. It went really well and I felt pretty comfortable. There was no religious crap going on or anything like that. It was just a bunch of recovering addicts trying to help each other out. The general consensus is that it works. I'm definitely going back. This may actually be what I've been needing. They focus on personal issues, with the drug addiction being a SYMPTOM of them. I've got nothing to lose & in fact, I think I may make some friends there (something I need badly!). The stage is set for friendships because we are all there with a common problem and goal. I accepted a white key chain, which was a promise to myself not to use for that day. I DID make it though the rest of the day, BUT at 12:31am the next morning, I was using again, lol. My ex is in town, so we have been planning this "party" for some time now. It actually did not go anywhere near as well as planned - mainly because this is probably the worst time for her to have come visit. I was so fucking stressed out by my home situation that I had a very hard time keeping my mind off of it. My friend in Pompano said that he could get us more shit for tonight if we wanted. I'm not sure what to do. Well, I know what I SHOULD do, but I don't know what I WILL do. Baby steps, I guess.

Completely out of control

I fucked up big time. My ex made the mistake of letting me hold on to the blow intended for this weekend. Well, guess what. Yea, ALL of it. It started with "I'm just going to do one good line, then leave the rest alone. Bullshit. After I got the highest high, I kept chasing it relentlessly until I finished all four fucking bags! I'm extremely pissed at myself right now & severely depressed. The good news is that I've found a way to replace the shit for the weekend. The bad news is that it's going to fuck me in the ass financially. My bank account will go into the negatives, and everyone knows what happens from there. So far, I don't see a way to stop it from happening. This is proof that I cannot do this on my own. After my binge, I called my friend, TL, who is an ex-addict. She strongly suggested that I go to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting. I'm going to take her advice. I can't keep doing this shit. It's killing me inside. I don't even feel like a likable person any more. I'm so disconnected from everyone and it seems like all I care about is getting fucked up. I don't want to be that kind of person. I hate myself right now, and that's no way to live. I know that the situation here at home is not helping, but it's still no excuse.