5 Days of Being Clean

Yup, 5 days - that's how long I made it. Mike called me and asked me to come by but said he did not have much blow. As I expected, I offered to volunteer my $100 bill I got for my b-day to get more. Even as I was getting ready to go out there, I knew how the night would end up. It was fun for a while, then in the end when the shit ran out, I was disappointed and felt depressed. It's no excuse, but there was another factor that pushed me. My mom's ass-wad boyfriend was supposed to go to his daughter's place last night, so I drove my happy ass home from ML's place thinking I would have the place to myself. Turns out the fucker decided to invite his daughter & obnoxious granddaughter here. I think he did it on purpose to piss me off. I thought about inviting my dad over to piss him off (and possibly scare the fuck out of him).

Da Coke Binge!

So as expected, my trip to Chicago was pretty much a week-long cocaine binge. Shit, MU and I discussed partying on the way home from the airport, lol! So, I partied until my nose bled, then partied some more. The second night, I had the absolute worst crash I have ever had. It was way fucked up - I seriously just wanted to die. The next time I did it, my sinuses gave me hell to the extreme. I was in SO much fucking pain, it's not even funny. That was the day before I left (MU said she wanted to "play one more time before I leave". Of course, I said "yes". MU was not the only one I partied with. I saw "Idiot"(NS), and it was okay. The shit he had was not that great. You know the kind of stuff people say is the "mellow" coke? Yea, "mellow" means it SUCKS, I hate to break it to you. Coke is NOT supposed to make you mellow - that's what weed is for! Anyway, he's supposed to actually come down and visit me in a couple weeks. I'm telling myself right now that I don't even want to see him, but I'm guessing that will change once the time comes and I'm ready to party again. Fuck. I keep thinking that "this is the last time - that's IT, I'm going straight edge now". I wish I believed it.

Mr. Clean

Yea, I've been clean for over a week now (due mostly to circumstance). Last Thursday I was supposed to hook up with M. I waited around and he kept telling me "soon". I waited in agony until 6:30am when I finally just fell asleep. The next night, he finally calls at around 4pm and tells me his phone dropped in a jug of beer. Whatever, so this would be the night instead. As soon as he was done with a birthday party, he would be ready ("great", I thought). Yea, so I went through the same bullshit until the calls just stopped (by the way, I was not like bugging him every 15 minutes or anything like that. It was more like every 2-3 hours). Again, I fell asleep around 6am. The funny thing is that I really did not even feel like going either of those nights. Thursday morning was the day I switched my multi-vitamins (I got some from the health store because I thought they would be better than my Centrums). Well, something in the new vitamins did not agree with me and I felt nauseous and extremely weak all day. It did not occur to me that it was the vitamins until Friday evening. Nonetheless, I still would have gone given the chance. He called me late the next day telling me that his new phone's battery died. Again - whatever. So, here I am - the cleanest I've been since before I started again, lol. I'm going to Chicago tomorrow for a week or so. My clean record will be dirtied by then for sure! I will admit that my mind seems more clear and focused. I've also been off of my anti-depression meds for longer than I've been in years. Fuckin' drugs!

Disgusted in thyself

Friday night was one of those nights where I waited in agony to hear from my peeps in Pompano as to weather there was going to be a party. Finally, around 10pm I got the call. He was getting some shit. The guy was "on his way", which usually means that he won't be there for another couple to a few hours. So, I made a few stops on the way - including a stop at an ATM to take out the last $40 I could spend to give to them. As I pulled in, there was another car pulling out. Guess who it was? Yup, the Always Mega-late Guy. So, I ran up and saw that M was a bit disappointed. I soon saw why. There was nowhere NEAR an 8 in the bag he had. First, he got this one with a partial "IOU", and they always give him less when that's the case. Second, he had to borrow $40 from B to get it because I was not there in time (go fucking figure), so B took some. So we partied for maybe 2 hours and ran out. I was pissed about the whole situation, and pissed at myself because I could not even keep "playing" when the shit ran out. That's not cool. Oh well, at this point I'll do just about anything to stay away from my home situation. I'm moving in a couple of months - I cannot fucking wait.

Why is it so fucking good?

We partied again tonight. This time, we brought my connection guy to the hotel and we double teamed her. I have to admit it was a lot of fun. The tail end of it was usual though. Everyone was exhausted and it was a lot of effort to keep things going. I feel like a cruel joke is being played on me. Even though I feel bad for doing it, I want more at this very moment. Why is something that feels so good so bad? I hate this. I really do.