It didn't take much for me to convince myself it was a good idea to go out and get fucked up again. I had no plans to do anything last night, but NS called and offered. I didn't hesitate. The stuff he had was pretty good. It's very rare that I can't walk straight due to a coke high, but last night, that was the case. Still, no sinus pain or severe headache afterward. I wish I could say the same about guilt though.
I still have not called my aunt. I'm surprised she has not tried to call me. My mom was supposed to come up and bring me some of my belongings on Tuesday, but that is probably not going to happen until next week now due to weather & overbooked flights. I know that the longer I stay here, the more I'm just going to keep on doing the same shit.
I've been thinking a lot lately about the latent effects of all of this shit & it scares me. I want to keep my health. That's the one thing that I've always had & before I got into the druggie lifestyle, my health was above average. I want to get back to that level again.
Feelings of hopelessness are creeping back into my head. I have to fight them hard because they do not help things one bit.
mementos mori
2 years ago
2 comments:
Yeah, those feelings will fuck you every time. It gets better the longer you stay clean, duh I guess that's why they call it post-withdawal anxiety. Told you guys I was brilliant!
Do what you can to stay out of your own head for awhile, something that doesn't involve drugs, it'll help kill time and keep you from dwelling on things.
your not worthless hun. you know how many good people out there have addictions? worrying aboit my health and my looks is one thing that helped me start to use less and less. your a strong guy, i can tell by the way you write. you can do this. start to take longer stretches between your use, if that works for you. it does for me, quitting cold turkey for some reason never did. hang in there. sounds to me as if you have really reached that point where your building your mind to stop. i'm rambling now sorry.
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