Bi, Bi, Wisconsin

I'm at a complete loss. Being bisexual really sucks. I've toyed with the idea of "coming out", but I know if I do, I'll be automatically labeled as "gay" and forever ineligible to women. Friday was another binge night with Mr. X. I was seriously considering trying to have a relationship with a guy. I've thought about it before but never actually considered it. I guess the more I've been finding out about how women are, the less I want to be what they want. I used to have no clue what they wanted and now I'm quite aware. It's not their fault, it's instinct. I've even become pretty good at faking it, but you can't fake someone out all the time when you are in a full relationship with them.

I officially quit the band last week & I'm moving back to Chicago. I feel relief from not having to commit to the project any more. DS was actually really cool about it. He's the only one I've talked to, so I'm not sure what the other guys think. Everyone's equipment is still here, so I'll have to deal with them eventually. I'm just as nervous about moving back than I am excited. There are so many things that I miss, but of course a lot that I don't. One thing I will definitely miss is my current awesome apartment. The chances of me getting a place with laundry, dishwasher and garbage disposal in Chicago on my budget are slim to none. The chances of me getting a place this size are absolute zero, unless I move to the ghetto...yea, not happening.

Something inside me still compels me to try and find a compatible female companion, but I've tried so many times before, and telling myself that if I find the right one, I'll just get rid of Mr. X. I'm pretty sure I've accomplished the first part, but not getting rid of my deadly addiction.

Since I was 12 years old, I remember wanting to be a girl. If I had the money, I would have become one a long time ago. That would be nice.

My Own Personal Jeebus

I've finally decided that I'm going back to Chicago. I've had a long-ass time to think about shit between Squeaky & I, in fact, almost a year. I think I can forgive her (but NEVER forget) for our falling out & the things she did and said. She really does think the world of me for whatever reason. Even my aunt said that it would be foolish to let go of someone that loves me so much & actually "gets" me. Shit - I don't even get me most of the time! For a while, I was convinced that this was nothing but a suicide mission, but I honestly feel like I've grown strong enough to deal with my shit this time. I guess I needed actual proof that my problems will find me wherever I run to & that the only way to beat them is to stand up to them whenever & wherever they rear their ugly heads.
I'm not going up there without a plan either. Believe it or not, I've been making an effort to think things through. I cannot deny what I am & what my passion is and always will be. When I do, I feel dead. I died another death, so to speak, when I let my addiction take precedence over my music. Once again, I guess I needed proof that it would fuck me up that bad. I'm one stubborn ass mother fucker, lol! But I can use that stubbornness to my advantage now. There is only one I ultimately live for & that's music. It's a lifelong obsession. Music, to me, literally equals "God". There is no other reason to go on living without it. If I feel dead, then I might as well BE dead. Fuck that! Rock 'n' Roll has been in my blood ever since I can remember & I've inherited it from my father (who is an excellent musician & also encourages me). I know I have been given something very special & I'll be damned if I let it go to waste. For all I know, the music may never be heard until years after I die, and I'm okay with that. I'm happy to die trying. I'm just another human being who's mission happens to be of great importance as far as I can tell. I'm absolutely certain that love will win in the end. How do I know? Because I'm going to make damn sure of it!
And, no, this does not mean I will completely stop partying. Sex, (blank) & Rock 'n' Roll? I don't think so!!!

Manic Panic

I thought I would be leaving on Sunday, but as it turns out it's going to happen tomorrow (Saturday). My aunt called me up last night to inform me that she and her husband need to come up for a meeting in the suburbs and that this had literally just developed. She said that I might as well go back down with them instead of borrowing a car, having to drive it back, then take the train down again (I need a car for all my stuff & my dog). Shit! Tonight is the last night MU & I are supposed to party. I don't want to feel & look like shit when they get here. This sucks. I'm hoping that it will be one of those where I barely feel it the next day. Fuck.
I'm unusually sad about leaving MU here. I'm actually feeling worse about it than when I left for FL. I guess part of it is because I'm not furious at her this time. But the other reason I think is because I believe that she may have thought that I was coming back to stay here. I feel extra bad because I'm taking the dog (he's like our kid - dog owners know what I'm talking about). I'm debating weather I should leave him here at least for now. He's probably the only thing that has been stable in my life for the past few years, so I it makes it worse for me if I leave him. Perhaps the deciding factor will be the amount of room left in the car.
I'm still looking into Australia too. I already have my 2-3 year stay in S. IL planned out including a job, school, fitness & social activities. However, I think that if I can find a way to escape to the Land Down Under sooner, I will jump at the opportunity. As everyone who is conscious here knows, things are going from fucked to WAY fucked here in the former U.S.A. and I really don't feel like being here for when it turns into WWII Germany. These fuckhead globalists have taken over so many countries around the world, and they have been doing it by first destroying those country's economies (sound familiar?). Okay, I'm not going to get myself going on this shit because I'd be writing a fucking novel and putting myself into a suicidal depression! But I will say that the similarities between how the Nazis took over Germany and how they are going about taking over my country today are too familiar to anyone who knows their history. God help us.