Completely out of control

I fucked up big time. My ex made the mistake of letting me hold on to the blow intended for this weekend. Well, guess what. Yea, ALL of it. It started with "I'm just going to do one good line, then leave the rest alone. Bullshit. After I got the highest high, I kept chasing it relentlessly until I finished all four fucking bags! I'm extremely pissed at myself right now & severely depressed. The good news is that I've found a way to replace the shit for the weekend. The bad news is that it's going to fuck me in the ass financially. My bank account will go into the negatives, and everyone knows what happens from there. So far, I don't see a way to stop it from happening. This is proof that I cannot do this on my own. After my binge, I called my friend, TL, who is an ex-addict. She strongly suggested that I go to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting. I'm going to take her advice. I can't keep doing this shit. It's killing me inside. I don't even feel like a likable person any more. I'm so disconnected from everyone and it seems like all I care about is getting fucked up. I don't want to be that kind of person. I hate myself right now, and that's no way to live. I know that the situation here at home is not helping, but it's still no excuse.

I think I'm cool with this

Ok, so I went to party again last night with my friends in Pompano. WOW, that was a great time!!! The only thing that sucks is when we're outta shit, I tend to get depressed, lol. This time, I actually went out there mainly because I wanted to get the hell out of the house. My mom's b-friend has become a real dick towards me and I think if I would have not left, we may have gotten into a fight. I swear, I was ready to go off on him like a mad dog. It started earlier when I recieved a complimentary "package" from a friend. It was enough to have a little fun for an hour or so. So, I popped in some good porn and did a couple lines (saving a few big ones for the "grand finale"). Just as I'm getting really into it, Fuckbrain walks in (I was in my room with the door closed) and starts making all kinds of noise. I tried to pretend I was sleeping, so what does he do? He turns on the vaccuum and starts bumping it against the walls and my door, which I'm sure was totally on purpose. So, I went into the bathroom and tried to finish off with a decent orgasm at least, but it was too late. I did the last of it, but I was already really pissed and the high was ruined.

Anyway, I think I'm okay with this once-a-week thing. I actually just got done working out even though I was all fucked up last night. One of my main concerns with doing coke has been that it tends to put me out of commission for the day after I do it. Not this time!

I'm also very aware that I tend to do it a lot more when I have nothing else to do (duh!), which has me kind of worried because I'm still out of work (except for a side job that I do for a few hours a week). But, I've decided that I will be going back to school. Unfortunately, classes don't start until the end of January. Still, it means moving to where I've always wanted to go - Boulder, CO. That will be fucking sweet!

Also, the countdown has begun for my "Fuck-Fest Weekend"! She is flying down here in about a week. That's going to be SO much fun. As for ML, I've not talked to her much. I think we're both assuming that it's not working out as we thought it would, and it's just fading naturally (thank God!). I already told her that I would be leaving for school.

The Big Bang

Did some more skiing last night - actually had a lot of fun! I've felt shitty all day today, but hey - that shit don't come without a price. Even though I'm still doing coke, I feel like I have it much more under control than I did in Chicago. The reason for this is because NS is out of the picture here. Back there, I would party one night a week with the girlfriend, then NS would call me (sometimes more than once a week) to party with him. I think I can actually call myself a "weekend warrior" now legitimately.

Speaking of the [ex]girlfriend, guess who is coming down for a few days on vacation. Yup, "MU", the ex. We're actually getting along pretty well now and have sent texts back and forth many times now (I'm all about the text - not really a phone person). Anyway, we're gonna have plenty of shit with us and I'm gonna fuck the living shit out of her! I must admit, I've not found a girl that is as much fun in bed as she. She loves to get real dirty and nasty, just like me and we both cannot wait, lol! We're already planning what things we will need to bring to the hotel. So far, we need to make sure there is a full-length mirror, chairs, my wooden paddle, collar & chain, outfits...well, you get the idea. We may even add some other people to the mix. She has gotten really good (and I'm proud to say that she learned everything from me, lol!). Yes, I AM entertaining the possibility of getting back with her. I don't like the fact that I'm thinking about it, but I am. That girl would seriously do anything for me, and she's a very good sub when she wants to be. Damn-it, why is life so confusing? Oh, yea - otherwise it would be pretty boring!

How can one resist a freebie???

I've been off the shit since my last post, with little cravings here and there, but nothing alarming. A few days after the last episode though, I got another call from Mr. X. He said that he was travelling and that he could hook me up with a freebie in a few days. Of course, I said yes. He can't stay, so this will actually be all mine. I'm considering doing it next time ML comes over, but I probably won't since she can pretty much read me like a book! I may just do it and watch some porn or something. Hmmm...speaking of porn...I'm gonna go now;)

Well, it would have been, could have been worse than you would ever know

So, as you can tell from my last post, the crave hit me like a sucker punch. I did end up making a connection that actually materialized. It started off with a bang. The guy I met insisted that putting the coke inside of a cigarette with some tobacco was the best way to do it. Well, I took a few puffs and felt a rush, but not like the normal snorting kind of rush. This was BAD! I felt really light-headed, and then had to make a run to meet the Porcelain God. That's when I decided that snorting would be the way to go. Other than that little incident, the first hour or so was great. I was in "the zone" and everything was great. But after that, the same things started happening as used to happen 2 months ago when I was hardcore. I began caring more about the coke than the sex, and just wanted to consume more and more. I ended up doing about the same amount that I was doing 2 months ago, which really kicked my ass! Towards the end, I was on the verge of tears. He wanted me to stay there until he was sure I could drive, but I just had to get out of there, so I left. On my way home, I tried calling RM, but there was no answer. It was about 6:30am here, which would make it 5:30 in Chicago. I then called ML because I needed to talk to someone and I had to straighten shit out with her anyway. I asked her if she could come over, and she did. When she got here, I told her that I had done coke and she was upset. I told her that the reason I did it was because I was upset about her lying to me about her age (I did not mention the other alleged accusations). She immediately became very defensive and said that she never discussed her age with me, even though I recall her telling me she was 37 (although, I'm honestly not sure that even took place). We got into our first argument, and it was ugly for some time. After laying next to each other, we were able to look past it and ended up having incredible sex. I mean INCREDIBLE sex!! Afterwards, we even had ourselves laughing so hard we were crying. All in all, I think this was a positive day. I'm glad that my little coke fiasco went badly. I'm even glad I threw up. Perhaps I've developed a taste aversion! So I fell off the bandwagon - big deal. It happens to everyone. As long as I am committed to improving my life, I will be just fine. As far as ML, my gut feeling is that she is a good person trying to do her best in life.

Uhhh...this chic is like an angel...or something?

Over the weekend, I ended up going out with one of my dad's roommates (I got her phone number the week before when I was over there). We went out to Chili's and she paid for everything because she knew I had not gotten my check yet. I told her she did not have to do that, but she insisted. She looked SO pretty when we met there. She is part Jamaican and part Chinese (gorgeous and dark skinned) and she was dressed in all white (yes, like and angel, lol). Anyway, we were both pretty nervous the first date, but it was still a lot of fun. We had some drinks and talked about life. I told her everything about my situation, and she was very understanding and said that she would be there for me if I needed her. I was amazed that she did not turn and start running towards her car! I told her I would do the same for her. I walked her to her car and she leaned towards me so I could kiss her on the cheek. It was splendid!

When I got home, I did not have ANY desire to do coke or anything associated with it. I was so happy just to know that someone (other than my best friend) was accepting me for me - especially someone with romantic interest. I thought that maybe the crave would come back, but it did not.

We went out again on the following day. We had lunch and went to the park near my place afterwards. She likes nature as much as I do, and we thought it would be a great idea for us to walk off lunch. Well, it turned out to be one of the most magical dates I have ever been on (and I've been on a LOT!!!). It was a beautiful day out and we walked and talked, then found a quiet place by the water, which surprisingly was totally vacant. We sat down near each other and she put her arm around me and I put my hand on hers. I felt an amazing connection at that moment! We got closer and were soon in each other's arms. It did not feel awkward at ALL. It felt totally natural - like it was just supposed to happen! Soon, some rude kids came running at us and purposely being really obnoxious. That's when we moved to another spot.

We went and just laid on the grass by the water. We held each other again, and soon after, I grabbed her and kissed her. We started making out passionately. Again, it felt totally natural, and OH MY GOD did that turn me on!! We were there for a few hours, until she spotted some rain clouds headed our way. We made it back to the car and made out some more, lol!

I saw her again this morning. I picked her up and we came back here (because we FINALLY had a private place to ourselves) and went nuts on each other! She is SO amazing and beautiful - I just can't believe this is happening (she can't either - we're both kind of freaked out at how comfortable we are knowing each other for such a short time)! She was actually very nervous about sex because she had not had it in years apparently (except with her vibrator). I was too, but we still managed to have great sex - enough for us to tire each other out! We got hungry again, then went out to eat, lol. We promised each other to make sure we both have orgasms next time:P

I still have NO cravings. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I think I'm in love! And, I don't fall in love that easily. Very strange, but good!

The Hunt

I got up today really horny and craving some dick. I went online and renewed my membership to a hookup website. Naturally, I started looking for people who said they were partying. I found a couple here in town that said they had "stuff", so I showered and started driving over there. I told them what I liked to party with, and they said that was cool. About half way there, my phone rang and it was them. They wanted to know if I had any shit for myself. I told them I did not, but I could contribute. They said that was fine, but that they were partying with something else (he had a southern accent, and I swear he was saying "hard"). I told him that I never heard of that, but he assured me that I would enjoy it. The whole thing started to sound kinda shady, so I decided not to go. I told him that I would rather meet up and party with something I was familiar with. He said that was fine. In retrospect, I'm wondering if he was saying "heroin". If he was, I'm REALLY glad I did not go. I'm not going to lie though - I'm still looking:(

Leading to where I am now

(In a nutshell) It all started about 3 years ago when my fuck-buddy (Mr. X) decided to introduce me to cocaine. I remember it like it was yesterday (sorry for the cliche, but it's true). I was very hesitant, but he said "Oh, it's no big deal - just try a little bit". I was already stoned and horny, so I decided "what the hell". He offered me half a line. I snorted it, and I felt my body tingling and a rush of energy and EXTREME horniness! I loved it instantly. Since then, we used coke every time we had sex, which was once or twice a week.



As time went by, the amount we used slowly increased. I wanted more because it was taking more of it for me to reach that incredible high. After a while, it was not even about the sex anymore. It was about how much coke I could get away with doing.



When I moved in with this girl I met, my use increased sharply because she did it as well. I never thought it would happen to me, but my life began to revolve around cocaine. My already crippled social life became virtually non-existant, my healthy habits (eating right, working out, meditating) all flew out the window. I must make a point here that part of why I did not think this would happen to me was because of all the bullshit propaganda we're fed concerning marijuana. I knew that most of it was b.s., so I figured the shit you hear about cocaine was also a bunch of lies. I found out it's not - the hard way.



After years of abusing this incredibly seductive drug, I decided to try and break free once and for all. I told the girl I was moving out (and she went psycho on me - another story), packed my shit and moved to Florida to stay with my mom until I got my shit together.



So, here I am. It's been a month since I got out of Chicago, and I've been doing surprisingly well so far. I've got a job that I really enjoy and I'm getting back into shape. But, as they say, you can run, but you can't hide