The Idiot's Guide to GPS

I did not expect to hear from N.S. this week. Last time we hooked up, I tried to wake him up in the morning, but he was in deep sleep. So I took off & took the rest of the coke with me (technically it was mine - I just had not paid him for it yet, which basically means he's not getting paid, lol. Yea, I'm an ass, lol.) Anyway, I thought that, since I had not heard from him in over a week, he was pissed. Maybe he was, but he called Thursday & was like nothing happened, so hey - whatever. We ended up hooking up the following night. The shit was pretty damn good & the crash afterward did not include the standard deep bout of depression, so I was happy about that. In fact, it took less than 24 hours for my sinuses to recover. Good shit, man!
Now let me explain why I'm an ass to him. Basically he's a friggin idiot! He and I have been playing for about 8 years now & I think he's been on time maybe 10 times during that whole period! I'm not even exaggerating. It's like impossible for him to get from point A to point B without doing a bunch of bullshit in between. Now, most of the stops that are done in between could all be done in one shot, but that's rarely how it goes because his dumb ass forgets and either has to go back or find another place. And he whines a lot (I'm talking much more than I do!). He'll FINALLY get here, then start complaining about some shit that I have nothing to do with & I'm thinking "shut the fuck up already & let's get this shit started!!". Oh, and just one more thing I have to bring up that happened this weekend with him. He is the only mother fucker I know that can make a wrong turn & not realize until he's 6 miles off track...USING A GPS SYSTEM!!! How the fuck do you get that far off your intended route while using a working goddamn GPS??? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGGGGH!!! *Deep breaths* Needless to say, the only reason I still hook up with him is because of the coke. It's pathetic. I know.
Anyway, so here I am almost fully recovered & preparing myself for the return of the aunt & uncle. I'm dreading this. I have to tell them that I quit, then that I'm thinking of moving back to Chicago. This will undoubtedly cause an uproar with my family. They just came back from FL and DID visit my mom and dad. I would find it surprising if a conversation did not come up about my cocaine use. If my aunt did not know how bad it had gotten in Chicago, she will know now. M.U. keeps telling me not to worry because I'm an adult & I can do whatever I want. I know, but there is still a tremendous amount of pressure on me.
Of course, M.U. has her own reasons for wanting me to move back. She tells me she loves me every time she sees me & I know she does. Yea, I DO love her back, but I can't say it to her - at least not yet. I'm still scarred like a mother fucker from my previous relationship, and not to mention she shit M.U. herself did before our big break-up. I really do feel like she actually "gets" me though. I can't say that about many people at all. I know I'm virtually impossible to deal with & she deals anyway. She's a sweet girl, but can be a real irrational cunt when she's pissed. I guess we all can. I just don't want to go back there and get myself into the same situation that I worked so hard to get away from. If there was something that changed, I would be less hesitant, but I can't think of much that has. If N.S. is still in the picture (which he will be), it's going to be very difficult to keep that from happening again, unless I occupy myself with other stuff. That's the only thing that may be able to save me. If I work & start school up there, that may be the key. Roll on, roller-fucking-coaster!

Language Fail

Okay, that was fun. Unless you can read Hindi (I can't), you're probably wondering WTF is up with that last post. Well, I did something with the settings the other day which changed everything I write into Hindi & I could not figure out how to switch it back until now. I'm going to leave it there because I think it's kind of amusing that you can tell where I'm swearing by the exclamation points, lol!
Anyway, as I began to write before I was rudely interrupted by this little incident...
This last mega-depression bout did not last as long as I thought it would. In fact, it was less than 24 hours. By the next day I was cranking the music, cooking & singing again, so it's been good for the most part. I'm still stressing over what the hell I'm going to do when the folks get back. I'm considering just telling them that I got fired instead of having to go through the reasons why I quit. So, here I am again, making up lies to cover up other lies & I just don't like that shit!
Throughout all this bullshit though, I have a genuine feeling that I'm taking a big step closer to finding out who I really am. I'm not even exactly sure what that means, but it makes me feel better, so fuck it! No, seriously, I have a feeling that I have a better idea of which general direction I should point this ship in. Most of my life has been spent just spinning in circles with the occasional mirage of land in sight. Maybe this is just another of those mirages. Maybe life is a big fucking mirage. What the hell do I know?
Okay, I promised myself that I would fill out applications for culinary schools in London and Paris. I need to do that and cook. Laters & to all my readers - happy holidays! :-D

इन्स्तंत हिन्दी

ओके, सो इ स्टार्टेड व्रितिंग थिस ब्लॉग अ फेव मिनुतेस अगो & इ'म नोटिसिंग ठाट एवेर्य्थिंग इ राइट इस नो तुर्निंग इन्तो हिन्दी चरक्टेर्स! व्त्फ़? इ वास मेस्सिंग विथ थे सेत्तिंग्स थे ओथेर डे & इ मुस्त हवे दोने सोमेथिंग। ग्रेट। सो, अस इ'म व्रितिंग थिस (सिंस इ दोन'टी क्नोव हाउ तो रीड हिन्दी), अल इ कैन सी इस थे वर्ड इ'म कर्रेंत्ली व्रितिंग, व्हिच इस प्रेत्टी फुच्किंग अन्नोयिंग! वहत'स मोरे अन्नोयिंग इस ठाट इ कैन'टी फिगुरे आउट हाउ तो स्वित्च आईटी बेक। इ'डी बेत्टर चेक तो सी इफ आईटी'स गोइंग तो अच्तुअल्ली पुब्लिश थिस वे। *उघ!!!!!!*

Diary of a Madman

The party with M.U. last night went pretty well until the end. The guy we played with last time came over too. He's cool with us skiing & is good company in general. The last time, it was one of those threesomes that is just uncomfortable & awkward because everyone is nervous. This time we knew the third person, so it was much more comfortable. M.U. even admitted that she had a really good time (she was not eager for a 3d person because of last time). He left about half way though, which was perfect. Everything was going really well still until probably the last hour when I started to crash. I basically got really depressed and had to stop. It sucked. I could not stop thinking about my situation & what the fuck I'm supposed to do now. I started having "bad thoughts" again. I'm better today, but still not well by any means.
Luckily, I still have 2 Prozacs left, so I popped one earlier, which helped somewhat. I simply forgot to take one yesterday, which was not helpful, I'm sure.
One good thing about crashing I guess, for me, is that I tend to open up a bit (I have walls up that are thicker than the Cheyenne Mountain Military Fucking Command Center). I told her how much I truly despise this world & that I really don't want to do shit anymore, except get fucked up. I know I sound like an angry teenager & I suppose I'm in the same mindset as such. When you are an adult, you're somehow supposed to learn to cope with this shit & become very thick-skinned. Believe me you, I've tried. But I'm way too goddamn sensitive to ignore shit. Go ahead, call me a "pussy", "weakling", or whatever else comes to mind. I don't give a fuck. I am who I am & I'm not going to pretend that I'm not. Fuck that. I'd rather die. Maybe I will.

Escape

So, as I suspected, "slam guy" totally blew me off yesterday. I guess that's just as well - I don't need to be making this shit any worse. The thing that pissed me off was that he strung me along all fucking day. What a dick.
I had my interview, but I'm not sure I'm being considered. In fact, I'm not even sure I would want it anyway because of the pay. It was not a surprise, but the pay is less than half as what I was making in my previous job. But, that's how you start out in any Carrier, right? The interviewer was actually a pretty sexy Asian chic. It was very informal & she was all punked out (definitely NOT what you would expect for an interview!). In fact, I think she might have been high because her eyes were red as hell, lol. Needless to say, I instantly liked the place! She showed me around & everyone there looked like they were either an actor or musician. Bonus! Everything went very well until I said goodbye and started out the door. For some reason, I just got the feeling that I did not get it. I have mixed feelings about this. The lack of funds would be worth it in the long run if I decided to definitely pursue a culinary career. But the more I talk about it with people, the more discouraged I get. Many people I know say that they have friends who are chefs and cannot find a job worth shit. I guess it's like being a musician. Since everyone and their fucking sister wants to do it, the competition is fierce. Anyway, I've not been called back yet. It would be nice to at least have SOMETHING by the time my aunt gets back. You know what it is, honestly? I'm SO god-damn sick of the fucking rat-race that "sick of" does not even begin to describe how I loathe it. It's fucking stupid & I fucking hate everything about it. I don't want to be part of it anymore. I guess I'm trying to minimize my participation in it by getting low-key work & making damn sure that I have enough time & freedom to myself to do what I WANT TO FUCKING DO. "Life's for my own to live my own way", as Hetfield says.
M.U. is coming down tomorrow, so I'm rather excited about that. I guess that's another good thing about that dickhead blowing me off. I'm not going to still be recovering by the time she gets here. Shit, I would not be surprised if I decided to just go back up there with her.

In a Chemical World

I have a job interview in about 10 hours. I answered an ad for a baker position, which is pretty much exactly what I've been looking for. I was actually dancing yesterday because I was so happy (I know...GAY!). I have a good feeling about it & it's going to be much easier telling my folks that I quit my other job if I already have another one. Today is also the day I'm supposed to hook up with "slam-guy". I'm kind of nervous, but there's a good chance it may not even happen. People flake out about 60% of the time, I'd estimate.
I tried to get to sleep early, but kept waking up, so here I am trying to kill time & make myself sleep already. I even took Benadryl & it's hardly effective this time. Actually, I can feel it making me tired, but when I lay down, I just sit there not getting to sleep. That's okay, I know it will likely hit me about 2 hours before I have to go to the fucking interview.
M.U. is coming down this weekend too. I sent her a check for just about all I will have left after paying my cell phone bill so that we can enjoy a nice long fucked up weekend! Okay, I'm going to try this sleep shit again.

Born to be Cyco

N.S. came down on Thursday for what was supposed to be a super-sex-fest. I had gotten in touch with a couple others that were going to join us that night, but they flaked. We ended up having to get a room again, but the shit that he had was phenomenal! Yes, once again, I pretended to go to work, but this time I actually had a place to stay, lol. Despite the complications, I had a pretty friggin' awesome night.
Another migraine my aunt had threatened this second trip the following day. Luckily, it only delayed the departure by a day. Yes, that means I'm here alone with nothing to do, which can only lead to trouble, which I'm finding already.
I met someone online who is coming into town in a few days who says he's got lots of shit, including my favourite powder & some tina (which I have not done in a long time because I just hate the way you feel the next day). He asked how I like to do them & I told him either snort or smoke. He suggested we slam. At first, I did not know what he was talking about, but then it hit me - duh! That's one thing I've never tried before, but I'm definitely curious because of the way other junkies describe the feeling. It's supposed to be fucking euphoric. I'm a bit nervous, but you know I'm gonna try 'cause I'm crazy like that.
THEN, for the weekend, I've got M.U. coming down to visit, which means another all-party weekend! I could feel guilty about all this shit & I'm sure it will catch up to me, but right now I just feel like saying "fuck it" & enjoying life the best I can. Rock 'n' Roll to the fucking core, bioooooootches!!!