Ironic Bullshit

Yea, so I changed my passcode and email a few months back and I didn't remember what I used...FUCK! I finall messed around with it some and I was able to figure it out. That was annoying!

Anyway, so I'm all moved back into Chicago. My place kind of sucks, but it was the only one that would accept my dog. Whatever. I've been seeing X pretty much on a weekly basis still.

I actually got a text from AJ a couple of weeks ago asking if I was still blocking her, lol. That lead to us going out again for a short time, but I absolutely could not keep myself in a relationship knowing that I can't stop X. I didn't tell her that, of course, I kind of made her break up with me. That's really sad in more ways than one. I think I'm seeing myself more like a sick individual lately. It seems like I've really decided that as long as I can't stop X, I won't let myself be in a relationship. I can't do that to someone again, and can't put myself in that position again. I won't do it.

I need to either stop now, or be single until I do. That's the ONLY way anything is ever going to work with me. I miss AJ. I feel like texting her. She wanted to hang out this past weekend. I told her I could not. Why? You know why. It's very sad. I'm very sad.

When I saw her last, she had matured as well. She no longer drinks every day and no longer feels the need to go out all of the time. It's like she is more like I wanted her to be now. Un-fucking-believable.

Operation Diamond Vision

Another weekend, another binge. After the last one, I started formulating this plan to rid myself of this shit once and for all. I have the basic elements mapped out, but still need some specifics. The plan should work in theory, but I know that the underlying cause is psychological, so some sort of therapy will more than likely be part of it.

Years ago, while researching various forms of Buddhism, I came across a form called "Diamond Way". One thing that stuck with me was the metaphor of using a diamond as the way your mind should be seeing the world. The diamond vision is one that is not distorted by anything (including drugs) and enables you to see the world just as it is. That's why I'm naming this operation as such. This battle has been going on for far too long and it is going to kill me if I don't defeat it very soon. My father said to me a couple of years ago that drugs impair your ability to make decisions, even when you're not high at the moment. I have found this to be true. Shit, 15 years ago I would have NEVER imagined I would be an unmarried sex-crazed lonely drug addict. Fucking never!

I'm determined to win this bloody battle. I will not go down like this. No fucking way!

God Help Me

I don't really feel like blogging, but I just wanted to report my last "incident". I went into Chicago Saturday night for what I thought was going to be a date. As it turns out, the girl I went to meet just wanted me to swing by for a few minutes, and had plans with a friend later. Whatever. So, what does my dumbass do? I call Mr. X (who I knew had to work in the morning) and asked if he could pick me up a package. He said he could. About 5min later, I called and asked if he could get me two instead. He did. I went to pick it up and we ended up fucking around for a bit, then I headed to the baths. Long story short: Lots of oral sex and coke until my body was to tired to go on. Incredibly, I had only gone through most of ONE package. I drove 70 miles back home, then pretty much watched porn and did the rest of the coke for the next 24 hours.

Needless to say, I feel like shit now. I've spent $500 on coke this month. That's the most ever. I don't want this shit anymore. I want this to be the last time. I no longer have enough money for a security deposit for my new place. I spent it because I knew that I could sell my music gear and get the cash back. Still, that's bullshit. I prayed to God last night to please help me. I want to be done.

Fuck, Fuck, and Away!

So, of course, the hooker was not enough for my sex-crazed ass this weekend so naturally, I hooked up with X. We partied for a few hours and apparently I turned him on so much (I WAS in an extra slutty mood, lol) that he came before he wanted to. Afterwards, he was insistent on leaving and said he didn't think he could go again. Incredibly, we had only gone through one of the bags of coke. I asked him if he could just wait for a little while to see if he was really done. That lasted about 10 minutes before he decided he was leaving for sure. I was disappointed, but he said he would leave me the other bag for myself so I could keep going with someone else if I wanted...SCORE!

He said he was just going to take a few lines for himself, which i discovered later was about half of the bag...FUCK. Anyway, I did end up hooking up with another dude later, but by that time I was so damn tired, I could barely do anything. I apologized to him and told him I'd make it up to him next time. I DID make him cum, but it just wasn't very exciting. He was cool about it though.

I've gotten better at dealing with the crash afterwards. Last night, I just made sure I kept thinking about sex the entire time (otherwise depressing thoughts tend to sink in). It worked for the most part. Still, later on, I wondered when this shit is going to end if ever. I wondered if this is how I'm going to die. I guess I'm having some fun at least. Still lonely as fuck though. I don't know if that will change. That's the thing that bothers me the most.

In Love with a Hooker

I've been looking for a sweet young man-pleaser lately. Today, I found one. She said she was nineteen & probably could have been. Most of these whores have an attitude and fucking them is like fucking a lifeless sex doll. This one was sweet and comfortable to be around. I spent half hour looking for her because she told me she was at a Super 8 motel when she meant to tell me Motel 6. Long straight black hair, fair & soft skin & body, and blue eyes that hypnotize. I could swear she was totally turned on two because she was pretty wet. I kissed her all over her tits and face and ran my fingers through her gorgeous, sweet scented hair. She even sucked my balls for me, laid next to me and talked and kissed me on the lips. She was taller than I expected, but that's nothing that her attitude didn't make up for tenfold. She was probably just THAT good, but she made me feel like I had a girlfriend for a little bit. Either way, she really made my day!

Bi, Bi, Wisconsin

I'm at a complete loss. Being bisexual really sucks. I've toyed with the idea of "coming out", but I know if I do, I'll be automatically labeled as "gay" and forever ineligible to women. Friday was another binge night with Mr. X. I was seriously considering trying to have a relationship with a guy. I've thought about it before but never actually considered it. I guess the more I've been finding out about how women are, the less I want to be what they want. I used to have no clue what they wanted and now I'm quite aware. It's not their fault, it's instinct. I've even become pretty good at faking it, but you can't fake someone out all the time when you are in a full relationship with them.

I officially quit the band last week & I'm moving back to Chicago. I feel relief from not having to commit to the project any more. DS was actually really cool about it. He's the only one I've talked to, so I'm not sure what the other guys think. Everyone's equipment is still here, so I'll have to deal with them eventually. I'm just as nervous about moving back than I am excited. There are so many things that I miss, but of course a lot that I don't. One thing I will definitely miss is my current awesome apartment. The chances of me getting a place with laundry, dishwasher and garbage disposal in Chicago on my budget are slim to none. The chances of me getting a place this size are absolute zero, unless I move to the ghetto...yea, not happening.

Something inside me still compels me to try and find a compatible female companion, but I've tried so many times before, and telling myself that if I find the right one, I'll just get rid of Mr. X. I'm pretty sure I've accomplished the first part, but not getting rid of my deadly addiction.

Since I was 12 years old, I remember wanting to be a girl. If I had the money, I would have become one a long time ago. That would be nice.

Fucking Tea Fuck

I'm coming down from my post-binge recovery smoke, so I figured I'd write some on here and make some Chamomile tea. Was very excited to add honey and start drinking it, so in a hurry I grabbed the bottle and started squeezing. About a teaspoon into it, to my horror, I realized I wasn't holding honey at all. I was squeezing a bottle of Eggo brand butter-flavored pancake syrup. Needless to say, the tea is not as good as I imagined it to be before the Eggo Syrup Incident, but at least it wasn't Draino or something, I guess. Wow, that was a really long explanation! I'm still kinda stoned so that's okay.

Where was I...ah, yes, I was going to tell of yesterday's festivities...

Waiting for the highly anticipated sex & drugs binge was excruciating! And now I can't seem to turn of this bold or italic bullshit or get my font back to goddamn normal! FUCK!! Fuck it, I guess I'm stuck with this until I'm done. Can you believe this shit?? Fuck it.

ANYFUCKINGWAY, in order to get the blow, I had to leave Shitforbrains (Mr.X) in charge of getting it because he's the only fucker I know with a connection besided MU and she would not call the guy because she had not talked to him in years. This font is really fucking annoying me and is prompting me to write the word "fuck" (and variations of the word) way more that I would normally. I don't even think I'm using the right word..."font"...I'm trying to describe the ugly ass letters that I'm now forced to write with instead of what I started out with.

So, I'm all excited about finally hooking up with MU again, so i go all out and get 3 large packages. It was not cheap. I could not pick it up from him until Saturday night, so I had him get in Friday night so that I knew I had it for sure. So I talk to him Saturday morning and he tells me he is going to a protest that's like 3 hours away, but that he would be back at night so I could grab it. While he is on his way to the protest, he informs me that he brought the shit with him! WHY? Why the fuck would anyone do that? Incredibly, nothing happened and he got it back safely.

I had a little time to wait for MU to get off work, so I decided to stick around and play with Mr. X for a couple hours (using his own coke, of course, lol). 3 hours later, I headed to MU's.

When I got there, she was dressed in loose jeans and a t-shirt...so typical! At least she appeared to have done some makeup stuff. She was really nervous at first, but since I was already buzzing, I went into it pretty quick.

Right from the start, there was something missing. It didn't feel like before...definitely not as intense. There were some moments, but not like how it used to be. That's not to say we didn't have fun. I guess I had expected this massive explosion of sexual energy that just didn't happen. It occurred to me that maybe I'm just getting old. She too. After about 5 hours or so, she said she just could not go on because she was exhausted and her stomach hurt. I was exhausted too, so I didn't mind so much...but I had to cum.

After a couple hours of rest, I got up to see if she could keep going for a bit, but she was just not well. So what did my dumbass do? I went to the sex club for another few hours and did the other bag of shit.

Needless to say, I feel like shit right now, but not as bad as it could have been. I'm actually kind of glad that my thing with MU did not go as well. This way it's not such a big temptation for me to want to do it again. I've got to lay down...FUCK!