It's very true that tragedy brings people closer together. It has been very apparent in my situation here, and is especially true of family, of course. Although my dad claims that he only read a couple pages of my journal, I have my suspicions. Shit, if I had someones intimate details and I had already read some, I'd more than likely read more myself! Anyway, he commented tonight about how it's amazing how similar we are. It's very true. I still sense a great deal of sadness and worry in his voice. I hate to hear him like that. I'm not surprised that he's not angry though. Of all people, I know he understands my situation (which is probably why he's so worried).
On the other hand, I AM surprised that The Mom is not angry. Maybe she's just hiding it - I don't know. Either way, she has been very supportive as well.
I know my brother is very concerned too. He actually went through rehab, so he knows firsthand. I know he means well, but I did get kind of annoyed when he kept telling me what hard drugs to do you. I already know that stuff. I know he's just trying to help though.
I spent last week downstate at my aunt's place. I decided that it would be a good idea for my cousin and I to take a trip. Her husband has filed for divorce, but they are still living together, so getting away was good. It took a lot of mental battling, but I actually resisted the temptation to cancel the trip. MU was out of town, so I had the place to myself AND I was offered a lot of free coke that weekend. At least I know I'm not COMPLETELY controlled by my addiction. I did, however, do it when I got back.
Being here, as predicted, has got me back on the "twice-a-week minimum" program. Not good. I know I need to get out of here and find something to take up my time. I've got idle hands. You know how that shit goes.
I actually only planned to stay here for a few days, but between the hurricanes and the addiction, I've been pretty much "trapped" here again. I only brought enough clothes for 4 days, and I have nothing meant for cool weather, which we are starting to have now. Good thing I brought all my winter shit to Florida!
Anyway, while I was down at my aunt's, she was very persistent about trying to convince me to move down there and go to school. She said I could stay there and live rent free and not even have to pay for food if I just wanted to go to school full-time and not work. Something tells me that my dad had a talk with her! I do think that is a good idea &, like she kept saying - a chance like this is not going to come my way again. She's right.
I've pretty much made the decision to do it, but I have to admit I'm scared as shit. It's been so long since I've been in school, and I AM still concerned that my demons will follow and continue to torment me. In fact, I'm sure of that. I just need to be stronger and focus my energy on other things.
mementos mori
2 years ago
2 comments:
Knowing what you want and need is a good thing, especially if it's to make a better life for yourself. Don't be too hard on yourself if you fuck up, change takes alot of time, just don't use that as an excuse to fuck up again. Buena suerte in all your endeavors.
Look at me bein' all inspirational and shit, who woulda thought? :D
I'm almost going through the same thing as you, except I'm addicted to heroin. But only my husband knows. Thank god my family doesn't. It's so hard to be sober. Everything reminds me of it. I've been sober 7 days, but yesterday he was talking about geting some. and my body just started feeling like shit. but man it's hard. Be strong!!
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